Disclaimer:Not mine. Not trying to make money.

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Chapter 12 – The River Incident

Shun cried a lot, curled up in bed, covering his face with his trembling, pale hands. Never in his life he felt so vulnerable and defenseless! Not even back at the orphanage. He remembered the times when Ikki was not around and his tormentors (several boys his age, that used to love bullying the weaker ones) would take advantage of his absence and have fun surrounding him, picking on him, laughing at him, insulting him, humiliating him. And now he again found himself helpless, in a situation that took him straight to the past. So much time had passed but here he was again, being victimized.

With the sheet, Shun wiped away the tears brought by these memories, but it was no use, new ones kept coming.

In his childhood, the bullying often went beyond words: the boys attacked him physically too, pushing him, beating him. Several against one, the cowards! Shun had always been small for his age; he wasn't short, but skinny, he had a more delicate frame than even most of the other girls of the orphanage. He had never been particularly strong. Added to that was his pretty face, his naturally sweet disposition, his aversion for violence of any kind – all of which had turned him into an obvious and easy victim for the bullies.

At the time he was constantly around Ikki. (He hugged the pillow a little stronger, at the thought.) Partially because the two of them had always been very close; they only had each other in this world. Ikki had taken care of him since he were a baby, sometimes he was a father more than a brother… But partially, he was always near Ikki for protection, for fear of being alone, because that's when the boys attacked him.

As if the regular bullying wasn't bad enough, there was a boy crueler than the others. "Nachi," he unfortunately remembered, but tried to forget again the bad memory.

In retrospective, Shun should have told his brother when others bullied him. That way he could have avoided much suffering for himself. Surely Ikki would never have allowed that to continue; he would have moved worlds to protect him. Now this seemed so obvious, but as a little kid, his logic was not always the best. He didn't want Ikki to worry day and night for him – he worried so much already. He was also afraid that Ikki might get into fights because of him, causing him to be expelled from the orphanage. Ikki always had an explosive temperament, and became an infuriated beast if anyone picked on his little brother – sometimes, without measuring the consequences. Because of it, Shun thought better to be quiet.

He could also have told the staff when somebody was mean to him, but at the time, he was afraid of even that... Afraid that no one would believe him, that they would call him a liar and punish him. Or worse: would laugh at him, pointing fingers and calling him a cry-baby, the little idiot who could not even take care of himself… Fear and shame shut him up.

Part of him – a voice that used to whisper inside of him – had thought that no one would care to defend him besides his brother, simply because he was not worth the bother. After all, who was he? Just an orphaned little boy that no one wanted, that lived of charity, who was not useful to anyone. He thought just used up space and created more work. If at least he had been strong and confident like his brother, or got good graded like Naoko, or sang beautifully like Kenji, or was good at baseball like Hiruji… but he had been too plain, without any talent or special something. Deep down, he took his tormenting with a certain resignation, because he didn't think he deserved better treatment.

This is how Shun spent his childhood: hiding at the shadow of his brother, constantly feeling weak and helpless, permanently on the defensive, fearing to be attacked. Thinking that he wasn't worth a great deal like a human being, and with a broken heart, finding "proof" of that constantly.

Nachi came to his mind again, against his will. Yes, he had been the worst of all the bullies… the mere memory of him made Shun curl up tighter on the bed and cover his head with the sheet, as if he could still harm him.

He clearly recalled his face, a little cockeyed, eyes full of malice. Sun tanned skin and dark hair. Nachi was about ten when they met, and he was eight. Nachi was a little taller, and although he wasn't particularly strong, he was intimidating. He had been transferred from another orphanage where he got kicked out for causing trouble – what kind, nobody knew.

Among other small cruel acts that he did to Shun ("silly" things like spit on his juice, tear his drawings, or make him fall down and hurt his knees on the cement floor), Nashi was always threatening to drown him in the river nearby. He constantly said things like, "Any of these days, when you least expect, I'll take you for a walk to the river, and I'll send you for a swim…" Other times he would add: "You will dive, and will stay down there, never again will come back to the orphanage… The river will be your new home…"

Shun would open his eyes wide in horror, never doubting that the boy was capable of doing that, and Nachi would laugh at his reaction, amused. "Imagine, living deep down forever, with the fish, all that space, the whole river for you! Since you don't have a home, it would be great, huh? That way you wouldn't have to be a charity case anymore! What do you think?"

Shun would always freeze, not knowing what to say. He all but pissed in his pants, believing that, sooner or later, the older boy would carry out his threats.

One day Shun finally felt brave and asked: "Why do you do this to me? What have I done to you?"

Nachi looked innocent. "I haven't done anything!" Then smiled sideways. "But I will, one of these days…"

"But why?" the green-haired boy insisted. "Why me? What reasons did I give you?"

"No reason," the other shrugged, smiling maliciously. "I do it because I can, and you cannot stop me." He rolled a thread of the green hair around his dirty finger. "I'll do it because it's gonna be fun."

Shun got away from him and ran, crying. He wanted to call out for Ikki, but for some reason was too ashamed to. He kept hearing Nachi's laughter getting more and more distant. Even know, much older, lying here at this room, he could still hear that laughter in his head.

Two days later, Shun remembered. In one moment, everything was peaceful; he was sitting underneath a tree, reading a book (it belonged to the little orphanage's library; of course it wasn't his), and in the following moment everything had gone to hell. He felt himself being yanked by one arm, grabbed from behind by strong arms, and quickly dragged from the spot. "Time to go for that walk to the river, like I promised!" he heard whispered against his ear, followed by a little cruel laughter that, unfortunately, was so familiar.

For a few seconds Shun was paralized with shock; but soon he recovered and began to trash with all his might, kicking and fighting. He tried to scream for help, but didn't get a chance, as a hand quickly covered his mouth, silencing him.

"Shhh, be quiet or else it will be worse for you," the older boy threatened, continuing to drag the younger one, seeming not to care with the kicks and the skinny arms struggling.

Shun grew more desoperate by the second, because he was trully being dragged toward the river; he wasn't being able to fight back, but he had to find a way to escape that situation, before it was too late.

When they arrived at the waterside, Nachi stopped, turned Shun around to stare into his face, holding him by the arms, with a happy expression. "Welcome to your new home!" he laughed.

This only heightened the panic of the younger boy, who struggled even more now, but was not able to get away. To scream now would not help; they were too far from the orphanage, nobody would hear it.

"Let me go, please!"

"Ah, but you will like it here! Don't worry, you won't be left alone. mas você vai gostar daqui! Your brother will never find out where you are, but I promise to come visit you every now and then."

"Hey Nachi! Shun! Have you seen our ball?" a childish voice yelled from a distance.

Shun turned his face towards the voice and saw a group of the orphanage kids approaching. Nachi kept holding him. Shun did not scream for help, nor did he continue struggling; he was too ashamed of the situation. What a ridiculous preocupation at a time when his life was at stake – he saw it now, older, but that's what he felt back then.

"Yes, I saw the ball, Kenji, "Nachi lied, trying to conceal his irritation, still grabbing the smaller boy's arms with two iron hands. "It fell that way," he pointed with his chin to an area covered by rocks, where the kids would not be able to see them, and he could continue with his plan.

"Let me go, Nachi!" Shun finally screamed and began to struggle with all his might again, ignoring the humiliation and shame that he felt. It was better to be a little ashamed than become fish food!

"Wait a second, cockeye, you are not picking on Shunny again, are you? Sayuri was approaching. Seeing her take a stance, her friends followed her.

"Yeah, you've heard the kid, let him go!" somebody in the group yelled.

"Hey, we were just playing!" Nachi lied, releasing his grip on Shun.

Imediately Shun ran, as fast as his legs allowed him. He didn't stop until he reached the main house; he ran inside the kitchen, empty at that time, opened the sink's door, curled up inside and closed the door, fighting to calm down his breathing and stay quiet.

After so many years, he no longer remembered how long he had spent there, hiding underneath the sink. But he remembered feeling terror like never before in his life. If those kids had not shown up at that moment, he probably would not be still alive. He was paranoid that, at any instant, Nachi would yank the two doors open with a "A-ha! Got you!" and yould drag him back to the river. He had wanted Ikki so badly, but had not dared move.

Eventually Ikki found him in the kitchen (it wasn't the first time he had used that hiding place). He held him for a long time, patting his back and caressing his hair while his younger brother cried endlessly.

Shun refused to tell him what had happened. The whole thing hadn't been his fault, but for some reason he felt deeply ashamed of it. Ikki knew, of course, that something very wrong had happened, but did not press the issue.

Five days after the incident, Nachi was suddenly transferred from there. No one knew why, but the children could be very creative inventing possible reasons. To Shun, it didn't matter why; he was profoundly reliefed that his biggest tormentor ever was gone.

When Ikki finally took both of them out of the system's hands to go live by themselves, things improved a lot for Shun. There were always new bullies, at the public school for instance, but not so many, and not so cruel. These older boys had other things to worry about, like dating and sports. Whenever someone picked on him, it was more an idiotic, childish thing, than a cruel act guided by anger. Perhaps because they were no longer children, but teenagers with some sense. But probably also because those kids had grown up with a family, having a normal life. He understood how much a child raised by the system could go through.

Shun was also no longer willing to be victimized. He was no longer a poor abandoned boy, dependent on other's charity. Ikki worked (my God, he had been practically a child then!) and that way they were independent. They needed no one, had to answer to no one any longer. They no longer had to put up with crap, to be insulted, to be forced to do anything or be anywhere. There were free to come and go as they pleased, and they were enough to one another. So young, they were merely boys, alone in the world, but they faced it like little men, chin up and full of courage. (When Ikki was leading the way, it was easy to be brave!)

And he didn't even have to fight often to defend himself, when someone picked on him. He had learnt that not much was needed; just a firm attitude, a slightly rispid tone (he had to practice that a lot in front of the mirror) and they soon left him alone.

Since tension and fear were no longer parts of his daily life, Shun found himself relaxing more and more, letting his happy, optimistic, open-hearted side flourish. It had always been there, of course, but repressed. Before he used to feel like a dead fly, a nobody that belonged anywhere. He had only wanted to become wallpaper, to be invisible. But then, when he was finally free, he let himself show the world a bit of who he really were inside. He began revealing his personality instead of hiding it. He was very surprised to quickly become surrounded with new friends and admirers. People that did not merely tolerated him, but – boy! – seemed to really like him. They would catch his optimism and laughter like a good virus.

For the first time in his life, Shun felt liked by a person other than Ikki. For the first time he began believing that, perhaps, he might be worth something after all.

And now, back to being bullied, back to being helpless. But these weren't children; these were grown men, beating him up quite badly, locking him in a room like a hostage. Maybe he was born for this kind of thing: to be a victim, to be somebody's toy. Maybe this is what he was good for. He might have many friends, msany people that liked him, he could lie to himself and the world pretending to be someone of value. But this is what it was: just a lie, an illusion. These friends did not realize who he really was. He had never stopped being the worthless orphan that no one had ever wanted, and no one ever would.

~SS~SS~SS~SS~SS~

A/N: On the the original version of this fic, in Portuguese, I wrote another full page for this chapter. And now, translating it to English, *I* was terribly bored with it. It was too damn long! So I cut down some needless chunks (i.e. details on Nachi leaving, what the children thought he had done, Shun thinking more self-deprecating thoughts…) I think that this is better.