"Disclaimers apply, SM story. Thank you for all the reviews. Please remember, this is fiction, it happens in my mind.

Chapter 12.

BPOV.

I feel so warm and cosy, that is an odd feeling in itself, I hardly ever feel warm, it's almost like floating, I am awake but not awake, I can smell lavender and sandal wood, it's the same as the laundry detergent I use at work, it confuses me...my washing never smells this clean and fresh, how weird.

I can hear voices, slightly raised

"I don't know...I can't describe it really...yes I'm aware of that...I told you..."

Huh, I recognise the voice but can't seem to care at the moment, I let myself drift again.

"Mum? Mummy? You need to wake up now, we're waiting for you."

I can feel small hands on my face gently stroking and another rubbing my arm, I slowly open my eyes and see Seth gazing down at me, it's quite dark in the room, I smile at my darling boy, I love him so much. "Hey sweetheart, what time is it? Is Leah awake yet?" He looks down at the bed, I follow his gaze.

That's not my bed! Where the bloody hell am I?

I sit up quickly and really wish I hadn't, I feel very dizzy and Seth's face swims before me, I feel him jump off the bed shrieking "Jasper" as he goes, who? I feel my stomach cramp up a little, oh that really hurts, please no, that's the last thing I need, a light headed feeling comes upon me uh oh, I feel sick, I am going to be sick, I fall off the bed and get unsteadily to my feet and clamped over my mouth, where the fuck is the bathroom?!

Too late.

I vomit spectacularly on the floor just as the door swings wide open, I'm still heaving and sink to my knees, I feel someone pull my hair out of the way and a few seconds later a basin appears in front of my face. I don't much care who is with me, I feel hands lifting me back on to the bed and a warm hand rubbing soothing circles on my back, it feels so nice, caring. Finally I think my stomach lining has stopped trying to make an appearance from my mouth, I push the basin away, a hand darts out and takes it, I sit up straighter and take a good look around me.

Edward is next to me still holding my hair, Alice is behind me still rubbing and a blond haired man is standing a few feet away from me, he is very good looking, tall and has honey blond hair and a kind face, he is quite lean looking but powerful too, Seth is rooted in the doorway with a Caramel haired woman. She is beautiful, heart shaped face soft curls everything about her screams "mother" I look hard at her, she is very familiar... Mrs Cullen. She has she has her hands on Seth's shoulders giving him soothing strokes, it hits me... Jesus Christ...yesterday really happened... Leah taken, Seth and I in the police cells...Edward came, my cottage trashed... and Seth has to live with Mrs Cullen...oh God what am I going to do?...I hear a strangling noise, it sounds like a wounded animal, who is that? Oh...

It's me.

I push Edward away from me and stumble over to Seth; I grab him and pull him to me so tight, I can't let him go...what the hell was I thinking? Demanding Edward's family care for them without me, thinking they would be better without me, stupid girl! "I'm so sorry Seth. I don't know how to fix all this but we will. Together. I love you, so much. It will all be okay, I promise you. Mrs Cullen, thank you for what you did yesterday, I'm sorry for not thanking you properly earlier. I just..."

"Nonsense Bella. You have nothing to thank me for, I only wish I could have done more for you, and it's Esme. You're a grown up now. You are so beautiful, I remember you like it was yesterday, all pigtails and shy smiles, where does time go? Now then, this is Jasper Whitlock, he is Alice's husband. He is a doctor and he would like to talk to you a little, he had to sedate you pretty heavily yesterday for your own safety you understand? Is that alright? I can stay with you if you prefer or..."

"Alice, please. Is that okay with you?" She nods her head; I think she looks a little like the nodding dogs in the cars. I glance across to Edward; he catches my eye and smiles a lopsided grin. Dear God, how can he smile at me like that, no wonder he is a success in Hollywood, I imagine all his has to do is smile like that and parts fall in his lap. What the hell am I talking about, Seth. Priority. "Seth sweetie, can you go with Mrs Cullen for a little bit? I will be out shortly." He raises his head sadly and follows Esme out.

I become aware of the smell in here, eugh, the cleaners and Lauren will not like that, just as I'm about to ask where Jasper would like to go Edward gets up and crosses to me, he stops a small distance away, a frown creases his face and he pulls his hands through his disarrayed hair. "Um... Bella please feel free to use my suite, I have to go down to sort out the travel arrangements with Sam and Jake. Please take as long as you need, there's no rush. Jasper, please keep in mind what we discussed, Alice? Try and control yourself, she is not a Barbie doll." He strolls out of the room leaving me perplexed, Barbie? Me? Alice is virtually bouncing on the bed; she really hasn't changed much over the years, same exuberance, mad hair, pixie!

I hear a throat clear, Jasper, right; this shouldn't be too awkward at all! I take a shy glance up at him, he is smiling, his face looks genuinely serene, I can detect no irritation or anger there, he reminds me a little of James, same blond hair and blue eyes, but looking at him closer I see his hair is a much more golden blond, it is a little long and curls a bit too, he lifts an eyebrow at me, I realise I have been staring at him, I feel my face flush up all the way to the tops of my roots, bugger.

"Um ... sorry, you reminded me a little of someone, I didn't mean to be rude and stare at you." I am mumbling, what an idiot, blathering on, he gives a low chuckle and with the most amazing accent he talks quietly to me "That's fine darlin', you go ahead and stare away, I love beautiful women gazing at me, no, I am not modest either, I know what I look like, but I have my Pixie Pie! You coming, sweets?" Alice giggles madly and bounces off the bed, she grabs my elbow, I can see love and adoration all over her face as she gazes at Jasper, he give her a really breath taking smile, she giggles again and says nothing but just drags me out the door and round the corner to Edward's suite.

I hesitate at the door a little; will there be anyone else here? Jasper opens the door wide and gestures us through "After you, ladies" I smile, chivalry isn't dead then. "Um... where shall I go, what do you need me to do Dr Whitlock?"

I feel sick again, I don't want him to touch me.

I don't believe he will hurt me, but I just don't, I can feel my breathing speed up, spots start to appear in front of my eyes, I can vaguely hear my name being called and quiet talking it sounds nice, calming, I hear it getting louder clearer "...just take slow deep breaths, you're okay, safe, slow breaths, in, out, and again, there you go, hello. Okay? Look at me Bella, you're safe here, Alice is here too, that's it well done. Alice, can you come sit here with her, I'm just going to get you a drink okay darlin'?" I nod. What kind of sodding fruit cake have I turned into, it never used to be this bad, Alice grabs my hand and squeezes it tight, her face is pale and concerned.

"I'm sorry Alice. I hate for you to see me like this, God what must you think of me..."

"Ssh, no one thinks anything much Bella. I'm so happy to have found you again! My best friend. I know we were little but I missed you so much. We never forgot you, I pestered Mum for months to find you, she tried, it was like you dropped off the face of the earth. Even Edward wanted to find you; even then it was like he had to be with you. I have never seen him like this, he is usually so focused on work and then all that business with that bitch troll. He got so lost you know? We wanted to help him so much, it was like he wanted to destroy himself, he cared nothing for us, he was this other person. He broke down the other week and disappeared, Mum was frantic, then when he turned up she ordered him here.

He needs his family to get better, but then he found you, and he seems to have a purpose again. He is so protective of you Bella, he was wild with worry yesterday when he found you had been arrested, and last night at your house, I have never seen him so angry, or the guys, but now it feels so right, you were meant to be with us Bella, the sister I never had. Oh I have missed you so!" She grabs me into a bone crunching hug, I give my brain time to catch up with her word vomit, I chuckle a little, same old Alice, speaks at 90mph when excited.

"Alice, I need to breathe..."

"Sorry! I forget my own strength sometimes."

"Well ladies, I trust you have had a little catch up? Bella, here drink this, it will help. You too Alice, you need to keep your fluids up." I turn to look at Alice and lift my eyebrow, she shakes her head a little and smiles, I drink the water Jasper gave me, its ice cold, lovely.

"Right Bella, I think we got off on the wrong foot there, I wanted to chat with you a little and take your blood pressure if that's okay? If at anytime you feel a panic attack coming again just tell me to stop and I will, immediately. Alice can hold your hand the whole time, can't you darlin'?" She nods again and squeezes my hand.

"Okay, but please don't touch me yet, I don't really like it, I um...I don't know...look Dr..."

"Uh uh, sweets, its Jasper, none of this doctor crap. I know about the touching, Edward told me..." WHAT?! He told everyone about me, of fucking hell, they will think I was some teenage slut and all the things James called me.

"He told you? Oh God, what must you all think of me, I should just go, I'm sorry, please just...I can't..."

I have to get out of here, I can't breathe. Alice's hand pulls me tight to her, I sit again, my chest feels tight..."Bella! Stop. Just slow breaths, please. You're fine. Jasper just meant Edward told him you don't like to be touched and that is all. He didn't say anything else. I know some bad things have happened to you though, it is so obvious to us who can see, I remember you how you were, and it was not like this. You were never this nervous drab of a girl, where's my spunky smart mouthed bestie gone to? Jasper is my husband Bella. I love him. He will not hurt you. Ever. Now sit up and find those balls I know you have!"

Wow.

Where did shy little Alice Cullen go to? Jasper looks uncomfortable; he scowls at her and crouches down "Alice, I don't think Bella needs to hear that..." I stop him there. I do. I need to sort myself out.

"No Jasper. She is right. I'm sorry. I know in my heart you won't hurt me. My head though acts before I can do much about it. I'm a basket case really. So messed up. I understand you need to touch me a little and I will try not to freak out, but I probably will. Alice, what the hell happened to you? You would never say boo to a goose?!"

"I grew up. Edward couldn't always be there to protect me, and when you meet Emmett, our cousin you will understand better. Plus you get balls from Hollywood, it really is cut throat, "Kill, or be killed".

I laugh at her, "You're so dramatic Alice, don't ever change will you. Right, Jasper, let's get this over with please." I smile at him and he pulls up a chair from the desk and places it front of me. He takes his jacket off and chucks it on the sofa then comes to sit before me; he crosses his legs over and places his hands in his lap.

"Ok darlin', now you know that whatever you should choose to say to me is confidential right?" I nod. "Ok, Alice will not speak of anything we discuss either. Alrighty then, I am an Obstetrician and Gynaecologist by trade, but I do have a degree in psychology. Now what I witnessed yesterday and just now are panic attacks, they clearly range in severity, have you had them before?"

"Yes, but not for a while." I speak quietly, they embarrass me, they make me feel inadequate and very vulnerable. I am ashamed of them.

"Ok, I gather that touch from men trigger them, is that all men or just unknowns such as myself and Sam? What about Edward, does his touch bother you?" I feel tears slipping down my face, I use my sleeve and wipe them away, Alice squeezes my hand harder. "Almost all men. Poor Sam, he just caught my elbow the other day, I understand why, but it completely threw me, I wasn't expecting it at all. Handshakes I can cope with generally speaking, but that was out of the blue.

Edward is different.

I feel warm sparks like static when I touch him, it doesn't feel scary or wrong it feels...natural...like it should be. I feel calm with him, safe. I don't know really, you must think I'm crazy."

He scoffs. "Bella, I'm no shrink, but you are definitely not crazy. I think you have had a very traumatic past, and I believe you are lonely? It isn't my job to diagnose you; I just thought it may benefit you to talk a little about it. Do you use medication for your panic attacks?"

Lonely? You have no idea.

"No. I haven't spoken to the doctor about it, I don't like to, I hate thinking about them, the only reason I'm even talking to you about it is you have seen it, and you haven't made fun of me. I don't take any medication, I can't afford to either." He huffs a little and fidgets, his phone beeps just then, he fishes it out of his pocket, and a chuckle leaves his lips, he types a message back and pockets the phone. "Edward. Checking up on you, wants to know if you are okay and I haven't upset you, 'cause that's my balls, apparently! Now, yesterday I had to give you a sedative at the station, you were so deep in an attack there was no other choice, it wasn't a heavy dose but it conked you out for quite a while, have you been getting much sleep Bella? Do you feel unusually tired, any depression?"

"Are you kidding me?

I work, worked, 40hours a week, I occasionally got Saturdays off, you want to know how fucking shit my life is? You got it, I have Seth, he is 6, he starts back at school this week, I have Leah, she's 3 and profoundly deaf, she lip reads and signs, she was born 13 weeks premature, she also has occasional fits and developmental issues. We live in a cottage that has no indoor toilet, no washing machine and 2 beds, the kids share. We live on pasta and tinned foods; they eat fresh fruit and veg when I can afford to buy it!

I wash all our clothes by hand because Mike demands that I pay if I use the machines at work, I mostly get to bed around 1.30am and get up at 5am so to be at work for 6am. I have £60 a week to spend on my piece of shit car, food and clothing, I buy from charity shops, I use value foods, my kids make do with what little they have and at Christmas they get 2 gifts, one from me and one from Father Christmas, I have no family, I have a mother somewhere who is on her god knows which husband, I haven't seen her since Seth was 18mths old.

My Father is dead, he was killed in an accident near here when I was 4, my ex husband is an abusive shit and after raping and beating me along with four other friends they left me for dead, Seth had been hiding and found me, he managed to get me help. I was pregnant with Leah at the time; Seth spent a month away from me and had nightmares for so long. I have changed our names so many times to hide from James, I told Edward, if he finds us he will kill me this time, he wants Seth. I have no friends, no money and now no job.

I am about as fucked up as you can get, so maybe I am a little tired and probably a lot depressed, but the whole point is Jasper, no one gives a flying FUCK about me and my issues. They are what they are and I have to deal with them and do the best I can for my kids, and right now I have failed them. Leah was taken away because I am an unfit parent and Seth was heading that way too, but now Esme is fostering them, who knows what is going to happen now, I certainly don't. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, and here you all are trying to help me, well Jasper, I don't think you can. I think that ship sailed long ago. Does that answer your question?"

He is staring at me, mouth agape. Stunned I think. Alice is crying beside me, I am pouring with tears.

I can't believe I said all that to them.

Jasper a complete stranger, they look so hurt. What have I done? Shit, I feel my stomach roll and begin to heave again, "Excuse me." I run to the bathroom, and hurl. At least I made it this time, a short time later I feel better, I turn to the sink and look at myself, Jesus, is that really me? Red faced, blotchy and chubby faced too, how can Edward stand to look at me. I splash water on my face and dry it on the soft towels. I take a long sniff, mm, Lilac, honey and something spicy, Edward. My whole body responds I tingle all over at that smell.

Amazing.

A soft knock sounds, "Bella? Are you okay in there?" I sigh and pull my sleeves down, I open the door to a still tearful Alice, as I come through the doorway she throws herself into my arms, I feel the breath huff out of me and I stumble backwards a little.

"I'm so sorry Bella. I'm sorry you went through that all alone. But, we are here now and we love you, I love you, and I know your children will be so wonderful, how could they not with a Mum like you. So caring and selfless. We will not let you suffer anymore Bella, you are stuck with us I'm afraid. Now my Jazzy just wants to finish up then you are getting in that shower. We have 2 hours until it's time to go, I have to pack! Come on, he won't bite. Unless you ask him to! "

She pulls me into the room; I think I'm a little shocked! Jasper has a pale blush going on, I guess he heard her not too subtle whisper; I take my seat again in front of him. "I'm sorry for flying off the handle like that at you Jasper. I'm ready to continue now."

He smiles at me, "its fine darlin'. I kinda expected a reaction of some sort, but a big blow out is sometimes just what the doctor ordered. Now, I think you could do with a mild anti depressant which is also an anti anxiety and works to help prevent panic attacks, now before you shout at me that you can't afford it, you won't have to pay. I will do the script and get it filled in later. Okay, I need to do your blood pressure, so can you pull up your sleeve for me I will try to touch as little as possible, but I may have to a little alright?"

I nod and pull my sleeve up, he rummages about in his bag and pulls out an electronic machine, he slides the cuff up my arm and tightens it, he reminds me to breathe nice and slow, Alice's hand tightens on mine. I feel the cuff inflate, tight and tighter, shit it hurts "Ow Jasper! I may need that arm someday you know! "He laughs lightly. The devil contraption beeps at last, I sigh in relief. He is frowning. Great.

"Mm, it's a bit high Bella 130/90. May I check your temperature? This just goes in your ear real quick, then I want to check your eyes and pulse, is that all okay? Remember to stop me at any time it's too much."

I just close my eyes and nod. "Just hurry up, please." I feel him poke something in my ear, after 30seconds or so it beeps, another sigh, "I'm just going to feel your wrist now."

I breathe slowly and deep, he won't hurt me, he won't hurt me. Done.

"Okay Bella open your eyes for me, I'm just going to check pupil reaction and colour okay then all finished for now." He shines his little light in my eyes as I follow his instructions. "All done. Well done Bella. Now, you have a slight temperature at 101f and you would appear to be a little anaemic based on your eyes. I would really like a blood test just to be sure. I can do it now or if you would rather, we can wait until we get to London and one of my nurses can do it for you?" I am shaking. Needles. Fuck.

"The nurses please, but I hate needles, is it really necessary?"

"I'm afraid so, if you are anaemic I can give you medication for that, as well as diet change it will help with your tiredness and I suspect you have dizzy spells too from what Seth told me earlier? We can use a special cream to numb your skin if you would like, it really works, I use it on babies too. Don't worry about it darlin', we'll get you all fixed up. Right, I'm gonna go find Edward and get the bags sorted; Alice here can't wait to play Barbie with ya. Catch you in a few." He gives Alice a searing kiss, a shy smile to me and he's gone.

Hang on. Barbie?

Edward said that too. Alice is whirling about the room grabbing bags of from various shops, Next, John Rocha, Mulberry to name a few, she is muttering to herself and now chucking clothes on the bed, she pulls out a few bottles of something and then grabs some towels, she turns on me. Oh shit.

"Right Bella, these are for you, now I have chosen this shampoo especially for you, now don't take offense, but it's for dry damaged hair, I got you the conditioner too, make sure you wash twice and leave the conditioner in for at least three minutes. When you are all done I'm going to cut your hair a little, don't pull that face at me Bella, this is what I do for a living. Well I design clothes and film sets actually but I'm a trained hairdresser too. I won't take much off just enough to make it healthy; it's so long you can sit on it! Now in the shower, I'm going to lay out some clothes for you to wear, they will beautifully with your skin, gorgeous. Come on, chop chop, times awasting. Oh, I almost forgot, shower gel and razor for...well...you know. Go on, get!"

She shoves all the products at me hangs the towels in the bathroom and pushes me in the room; I feel a little out of breath she's so exuberant. I shut the door and put the shower on, it is beautiful really.

Four glass panels and big enough to span your arms out, a big shower head above and six small ones at various intervals on the walls. I undress quickly and get in. Heaven. I relax into the hot fast flowing water, I feel my stomach cramp up again, "Argh, shit."

I hiss, that really hurt. I grab onto the shower panel for support, again I get another wave of pain, I look down, "Oh no...shit"

I feel really dizzy, the sight of blood always makes me faint, no not here not now, I shove the door open but stumble and fall to the floor, I can just make someone's voice out but it's fading, blackness is taking over my senses, I manage to whimper a pathetic "Help me" before it's all gone. Darkness takes me.

Sorry for the long wait, RL with kids sucks sometimes, illness after illness, will try and crack on with the next one asap.x