This (sort of) last chapter is...extremely personal to me. I won't go into long detail as to why (no, no one actually committed suicide, it's nothing like that), but the characters' feelings in this chapter are very close to my own after I had a similar experience a couple years ago (which was actually pretty recent when I wrote this fic), so this chapter is close to home.

Part of the "main" title of this chapter is in Finnish (congrats to all the people who guessed the language right!) instead of English because it closely centres on Emil and his feelings, but in English it means "Confessions" (at least I think it does, I'm not so good with Finnish). The language changes depending on the characters focused on in the part.

AND GOD THIS CHAPTER IS SO LONG WHUT. OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT I DECIDED TO SPLIT IT UP INTO TWO CHAPTERS I'M SORRYYY.

Kapitel 12
Chapter 12

CONFESSIONS: PART I
Ripittäytyminen / Aveux

Mello refused to leave Emil's beside at the hospital, hours after the ambulance had arrived and the other boy had been sent to the ER and then placed in a quiet, solitary room. He was adamantly persistent about staying with Emil, so much so that the hospital staff didn't dare even suggest that he take a break and get something to eat. Since his fit of hysteria upon discovering his friend in blood-soaked sleeves on his bedroom floor, Mello hadn't uttered a single word apart from what he'd had to tell the staff. He'd remained silent and docile beside the black-haired boy, silently stroking his face, brushing dark ebony locks of hair away from his pale face, his hands shaking as he did so. The other boy was motionless, his eyes closed and his breathing slow and faint. There was some sort of IV tube in his arm, and other various machines resting in the room, one beeping slowly with every pulse of his heart. Mello softly brushed his fingertips along the other boy's white arm, running them down to his motionless, limp hand. However Mello stopped when he reached Emil's wrist, which was bandaged heavily with white gauze. The blond stifled another sob and took Emil's hand with his own, squeezing it tightly and holding it against his face. It was so frighteningly cold...

The air in the hospital made him feel sick. Mello had always hated hospitals; they were always so morbid, and depressing. It was filled with people dying, and more people coming in only to take their places in the emptied rooms. The scent that lingered throughout the morose, melancholy air was filled with the stench of illness, and death. It travelled throughout the building and infected people with its stifling presence. Mello hated being here, being in this room, staring at the motionless boy in front of him; at his heavily bandaged wrists, and all of the tubes protruding from his arms. It was all his fault. Mello had forced him to do this. If he hadn't been so selfish...

"It's my fault..." the blond whispered, fresh tears dripping out of his eyes, and onto the pale hand he was still clutching. He remembered camp, and how he'd treated Emil then; completely enamoured with Matt, he'd barely spared the boy two glances throughout the day. Emil had suffered then, and Mello had known it, and he hadn't even given a damn when it was happening. Sure he'd felt horrible, and apologised afterwards, but it barely even scraped the surface of being enough to erase the words he'd said, the way he'd acted... And then, he'd all-too-happily left Emil back home in Berlin to come and shack up with his boyfriend for two months, even in knowing that he was the only friend the other boy had. To top it off, even after walking in on said boyfriend with another boy, and promptly gone back home with Emil only to try and fuck him to help him cope with what he didn't want to deal with, Mello had blatantly stated that he would still return to Matt despite everything he'd done. Emil was here now, and it was completely, and utterly, unquestionably, Mello's fault.

Various nurses came and went throughout the day, checking things in the room and writing things down on clipboards that seemed to be glued to their hip. Most of them noticed Mello's obvious state, and didn't venture to say anything for fear of upsetting him. However, when a young nurse would finally get up enough courage to ask him if he would like anything, the blond would simply reply very softly, "No thank you", without even taking his eyes off of the boy in front of him. Emil's aunt had visited for a while, but Mello hadn't said much to her. If anything, he partially blamed her. If she, or any of Emil's family for that matter, had actually bothered to give a fuck about him, maybe he wouldn't have done something like this.

But they hadn't seen. They hadn't known. Even if it was only because of their blatant negligence, they hadn't realised what Emil was becoming.

Mello had. Mello had known, he had seen it, had watched it, had heard it, yet he had done nothing. He just chose to ignore it and not ask about it simply because – because why? Because he was afraid? Afraid of what his answer might've been? He had noticed the changes, had noticed the spiral downward, yet Mello had done nothing, had said nothing. Simply because he'd been too focused on his own problems to even consider what Emil might be going through. It was all his fault.

The blond gave another sob and closed his eyes, whispering more to the air than anyone. "I'm so sorry... P-p-please..." his voice grew high-pitched. "You can't leave me, you can't do this. I need you, please...please y-you can't..." He angrily wiped the tears from his eyes; what was he saying? He needed him? If anything, Emil had needed him. Now he was over here whining that it wasn't fair for Emil to leave him, even though he'd done nothing but treat him like dirt? "God, I'm sorry...I'm s-so sorry, it's all my fault..." he sobbed. He took a shaky breath and softly kissed the other boy's cold hand. "Please, p-please. I'm sorry, f-for everything... I love you, you know that...I pray you knew that... I d-d-did care about you, I s-still do. P-please..." At that moment his voice broke and he buried his face in the bedsheets and cried.

XxX

Matt heaved a shaky sigh and lowered himself into one of the chairs in the waiting room. He was slightly in shock from all that happened in the course of just a few days, and with the suddenness that they had occurred with. Slightly didn't even cover what he really felt. It was more like he had completely been detached from everything else around him. He found that he barely noticed anything else going on. Everyone else's voice seemed obscured in some foggy haze of his mind, and he simply tuned them out further. How could something like this have happened? Everything had gone from so perfect to so horrible. Then again, nothing had ever really been perfect. He and Mello had been fighting long before the whole thing with Alex had happened, and Matt admitted that it was mostly his fault. He'd gone to such lengths so that his uncle wouldn't know what Mello really meant to him, to the point that it had pretty much cost him Mello entirely. The redhead literally, outwardly laughed at himself now, for being so childish. None of it mattered now. Everything he'd striven so hard to protect seemed minuscule in comparison to what had just happened. Mello hated him, Alex was only caught in the middle of what had really started out as Mello and Matt's own feud, and Emil was lying asleep in a hospital room after having attempted suicide. He might as well just stand up and scream out to everyone listening that he liked boys, that Mello was - or had been, anyway, his boyfriend, that Alex and he had already known each other, and that he was probably -no, definitely- part of the reason Emil had done what he had.

He hated himself. No, that wasn't even close to the loathing and utter disgust with which Matt regarded himself now. Everything had shattered, and come apart at the seams, simply from a tiny little kiss, one single mistake; it was all thrown into complete and utter chaos. Nothing could ever be fixed now. It was ruined, soiled, destroyed. All because of Matt, and his stupidity.

Marc hadn't made an appearance since he'd come up to Matt's room earlier that afternoon, to restate the phone call that had been received from Mello. Matt wished now more than ever that his uncle was here, simply so that he wouldn't feel so alone. Hell, he would even be happy with Alex's presence right now. But he had disappeared as well, though Matt didn't really care where he was at this point. The fucker could go jump off a bridge for all he cared.

Matt suddenly felt a stabbing pain of guilt in his stomach at that moment, recalling his and Alex's argument, and his shrill, hate-filled cry of "I wish you were dead!" He hadn't really meant that, he'd just been angry. Surely Alex wouldn't be stupid enough to do something like that... Though the uneasy feeling never quite settled, and he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He thought about maybe going to look for him, or at least for Marc, but didn't want to miss if anything happened, and didn't really feel like getting up and wandering such a depressing place as a hospital anyway. The redhead tried not to let his thoughts stray to where Mello might be in the large building. He knew he was here; there was no question the blond was right beside Emil's bed right now, and Matt had to resist the urge to ask one of the nurses for the boy's room number.

He knew Mello probably didn't want to see him right now, but he knew Mello was probably feeling guilty, and lonely (simply knowing the blond's nature and how much he seemed to care for Emil), but Matt was sure that even if the blond did want some comfort right now, Matt was probably the last person he'd want it from. And Matt knew that he would deserve whatever harsh comments were thrown his way.

With a heavy sigh, he stood up and trudged towards the front desk.

–

He could see through the glass pane of the hospital door, the back of Mello's head, the other boy turned away from him as he sat beside Emil's bedside. Matt didn't dare go in the room right away; no, he needed to be prepared first, needed to know exactly how he was going to go in and exactly how he was going to present himself. Though he would be surprised if he got so much as two inches in the room before Mello kicked him out. He ran a hand through his hair, which was already tousled from having had fingers run through it for the past three hours. He didn't want to do this, didn't want to have to face him. Even though Matt knew it was his own fault, he still couldn't bear to face the blond after having done something so horrible. How would he even look the other boy straight in the face without feeling completely ashamed? Though it was only fair that he should feel ashamed, Matt reasoned. He'd done everything worthy of being ashamed of, and he figured it would only be what he deserved if Mello refused to ever see him again.

Matt gave a heavy, shaky sigh, and gripped the door's handle with a sweaty palm, pausing for a moment to consider running back and taking refuge in the waiting room. He didn't have any right to be here, this wasn't his business. He was intruding upon something private, something he wasn't a part of. Emil was Mello's friend, and that was why he was here. Matt had no right in intruding in the room while Mello was in such a distraught state. However he couldn't seem to stop his arm as it swung the door open and he couldn't control his legs, either, as they led him into the room and let the door swing shut behind him.

The blond sitting in the room didn't even seem to register that there was a presence in the room. He simply remained sitting, and -from the side-view Matt could glimpse- stroking the other boy's hand softly, while murmuring unintelligible words under his breath. Matt felt another, deeper, stab of guilt in his stomach as he saw the sight of Emil lying there, so pale and motionless. So...fragile, weak. Was it really just a day or two ago that he'd kicked Matt's ass?

Matt felt as though he were a stranger walking in on a private family moment. He had no reason, no right to be here. He should just turn around and go back out the door, pretending as though he'd never even set foot in the room.

Yet he couldn't. Somehow he found himself standing, dumbstruck in front of the door, simply staring at the desolate sight before him. He'd never seen Mello look so...sad. Even during their worst fights, Matt had never seen such a dead expression on the other boy's face. He pushed back the thought that he was responsible for it, and cautiously stepped forward, towards the blond. He tried to say the other boy's name, but no words would come to his lips. It was as if his throat had completely closed up, preventing him from speaking. Instead he simply stood for a few more minutes, regarding Mello with a pained expression.

"...Mello?"

He wasn't quite sure what compelled him to finally say the blond's name. It was as if some internal or other force had forced the name from his lips; he certainly hadn't planned on saying it. It just...slipped out. When he had said it, however, he stood silent, waiting to see if the blond responded. He saw no movement from the other boy, and eventually decided that the blond was either too detached to respond, or he was intentionally ignoring him. Giving an inward sigh, Matt had turned to walk out of the room, when a soft, emotionless voice stopped him in his tracks.

"Why are you here?"

"H-huh?" Matt turned around in surprise, to find the blond had stood up from his chair and was now fully facing Matt, his blue eyes still shedding fresh tears. His face was something Matt had never seen on him before; pale and distraught, dark circles under his eyes from no sleep; and his hair was even more messy than Matt's at this point, no doubt the result of abusively tugging at it in frustration for hours on end.

He could see Mello's watery gaze turn to a glare, and the other boy's hands clenched into fists at his side. "Why are you here?" he repeated, more forcefully. "You have no right to be here!"

Matt could feel the comment sting him, even though he himself had known it was true, and he took a hurt step backward. "I just...I, I wanted to make sure, that you..."

"That I what?" Mello cut him off, blinking once and causing several more tears to slide down his cheeks. "What do you care about ME?"

"Mello, I-" Matt began desperately. "You know that I-"

"That you what?" Mello cut off again. "Love me? Is that it? Is that your lame excuse for why you're here after I caught you about to fuck your ex-boyfriend while I wasn't home!" he demanded.

"Please, Mello," he pleaded. "I'm sorry, that was – it was a mistake, I never wanted -"

"Save it!" the blond cried, his harsh and rarely-angry voice startling Matt into silence. "I don't want to hear it!" his voice caught in the back of his throat and Matt could hear him stifle a sob. "All of this, it..." he trailed off, gazing hopelessly around the room, before resting his eyes on Matt again, with a sudden ferocious venom in his light blue irises. "This is ALL your fault!" he suddenly screamed, and Matt could feel his heart skip a beat. "All of this is because of YOU! If you hadn't been with Alex that night, I wouldn't have gone over Emil's, and we wouldn't have – " he suddenly stopped, and swallowed a sob. "We wouldn't have had that argument, and – and none of this would have happened! It's all YOUR FAULT! I-I-I..." he stumbled around for the right words before finally hurling them Matt's way. "I HATE YOU!"

Matt could feel the blond's words pierce through him like razor-sharp daggers, and he simply stood dumbfounded, staring at the angry and distraught boy in front of him. Those words...they were almost the exact same words he'd screamed at Alex, after Mello had left. He'd told Alex he'd hated him, that everything was his fault, when in reality it had all been Matt from the beginning. He hadn't realised...what a heavy weight those words had on someone.

"Just get out," Mello said harshly after a few seconds, looking down at the floor.

Matt, once more, was taken aback. "Wh-what?"

"I SAID GET OUT!" Mello screamed, his gaze snapping back up to the redhead. He walked over and attempted to push him, though it was quite a futile effort, as Matt was quite stronger than him. "I don't want to see you! Just GET OUT OF HERE! I - I - " he started to gasp for words, his sobs drowning out his voice as he suddenly slumped forward and buried his face into Matt's chest, sobbing uncontrollably. "I..."

Not knowing what else to do, Matt wrapped his arms comfortingly around Mello, holding him close. He could feel the blond stiffen at first, but then the other boy relaxed against him and began to sob even harder, incoherent German words mixing with the English ones he gasped out into Matt's shirt. "I-it's all m-m-my f-fault!" he wailed. "I-I t-treated him a-awful, a-and didn't th-think about wh-what it was d-doing to him, t-to see us t-together l-like that, and I-I-I..." his shoulders heaved upward with every breath, coupled with a hysterical sob. "Th-that n-night, th-that I l-left with him, w-we, w-we...-we almost..."

Matt stopped him there, understanding enough to know that Mello didn't want to go any further. "Sh..." he soothingly smoothed the blond's hair, kissing the top of his head. "It isn't your fault."

"But it IS!" Mello protested, pulling away from Matt to look up into his face with tear-filled eyes. "W-we h-had an a-argument that n-night, a-and then, he t-told m-me to go out, s-so I...I l-l-left!" he moaned, collapsing against Matt once more. "I-I sh-should have been th-there! I sh-should have d-done something!"

Matt could feel his heart sinking for the boy, knowing how guilty Mello must feel. It was an awful feeling to blame yourself for something, even if it wasn't really your fault. It left you weighted down with a morose and heavy conscious, one that you could never forget about even if you tried. It was a terrible thing to hold in yourself. "Please, it-it isn't your fault, Mello. Don't blame yourself...You shouldn't feel guilty for something he decided -"

"You don't GET IT!" Mello sobbed. "It IS my fault! I wasn't there, I-I-I treated him like sh-shit! I d-didn't do anything wh-when it w-was obvious that s-something was w-wrong!"

"You couldn't have controlled this, Mello," Matt said calmly, trying to keep his voice steady. "I doubt anything you said or did could have helped at this point. He obviously had more going on than just what he showed you."

"B-but I sh-should have asked, I-I should have done s-something!"

"You couldn't have. It won't do any good feeling guilty about it, I promise you – it won't change anything..."

"And how would YOU know!" Mello fired, pulling away from Matt and staring him dead in the face again. "What do you know about it!"

Matt stared him dead in the face, his jaw set and his expression steady. "You want to know the last thing I told my parents before they got on the plane to go to America?" he asked softly.

Obviously surprised, Mello's angry expression faded. Slowly, he nodded.

The redhead avoided Mello's gaze for a moment, trying to fight back the tears that suddenly threatened to well in his eyes. Finally, when he felt he could keep his composure, he looked back at Mello. "...I told them I hated them," he said, his voice shaking a little on the last syllable. "I was furious because they were going to abandon me at home once again while they went and had fun in some other country without me. I was … furious, so...when they left the house to go to the airport, I told them I hated them...and that..." he choked back a sob, "...and that I hoped they never came back." As he took in Mello's shocked expression, Matt continued. "I know what it feels like to feel at fault for something. Even now, I hate myself for saying those things, because it was the last time I ever saw them. But no matter how bad, or how guilty I feel, it won't bring them back."

Mello had a hand over his mouth, tears still silently coursing down his face. "God, I...I'm sorry..."

"You had nothing to do with what Emil did. So don't waste time blaming yourself for something that's already happened. He wouldn't want you to, and I'm sure that when he wakes up he would be horrified that you even thought it could be your fault."

A small sob escaped Mello's throat. "I-I didn't mean it when I-I said I hated you..." he said, and the next second he'd thrown himself sobbing into Matt's arms. "I-I could n-never hate you... God knows I probably should, b-but I...I c-can't. After e-everything that's happened, y-you...you're the l-last person I would ever want to lose..." he sobbed again. "P-promise me th-that y-you won't …. you won't l-leave me, okay?" he said, tightening his arms around Matt's neck.

"I promise," Matt whispered. "I-I love you..."

"I love you too," Mello sobbed into his shoulder, his whole body shaking, racked with sobs.

Matt slowly pulled the other boy's thin arms from his neck and looked into his face. "You're a mess. You should get some sleep, or at least something to eat..."

"No." Mello defiantly shook his head. "Please, I don't want to leave..." he looked pleadingly up at Matt, and the other boy understood.

"Alright. Do you...want anything?" he asked.

A small smile fleeted across Mello's lips. "No. I-I don't think I could eat anything right now..."

"Well...do you..." Matt shifted uncomfortably again, "...want me to go?"

"NO!" Mello almost immediately grabbed his sleeve. "Please, no..."

"Okay, okay..." Matt soothed, sitting down in the chair Mello had occupied, and pulling the blond into his lap. "It's alright."

Mello wrapped his arms around Matt and settled comfortably against him, silent except for a sob here and there. Matt silently smoothed his hair, and stroked his arm in a soothing sort of gesture. It wasn't long before he had fallen asleep in Matt's arms.

XxX

It was a few hours later that Matt was awoken by a faint noise coming from the room. He groggily opened his eyes, feeling Mello's weight still in his lap, and rubbed his eyes. The blond was still fast asleep, no doubt exhausted by the night's events. The room was freezing, and Matt repressed a shudder, looking around for the noise that he'd heard.

Glancing down at the bed in front of him, he felt his heart skip a beat, as he could've sworn he saw Emil's eyelids flicker, just for a second. He anxiously kept his gaze focused on the black-headed boy, watching for any other signs of awakening.

A little colour seemed to have risen into Emil's pale cheeks, and his hand jerked a little against the sheets. Almost immediately, Matt roughly shook Mello awake. "Mello," he whispered.

"Mmm?" The blond sat up and rubbed his eyes, giving a yawn. His hair was even more dishevelled now, however the bit of sleep had made the dark circles under his eyes fade a bit. "What is it?" he asked with another yawn.

Matt simply nodded him over to the bed.

Mello took one look behind him and instantly jumped out of Matt's lap, rushing over to the bedside, and watching the boy laying there anxiously. The redhead took this as his cue to leave, as he once again felt like this was something he shouldn't stay for; besides, he was definitely the last person Emil would want to see, anyhow. It would be best to avoid the catastrophe that would result from that incident. He quietly slipped out into the hallway, closing the door behind him and knowing Mello wouldn't notice his absence anyway, too focused on the half-awake Emil.

He sighed for what seemed like the hundredth time that night, and turned to walk down the hall.

"Matt!" An anxious voice caught Matt's attention, and he looked up, his expression darkening as he saw Alex rising from a bench in the hallway, his expression concerned. "Matt, i-is everything okay?" he asked, his voice trembling. "M-Marc said that-"

"Why do you care?" Matt bit out, stalking past the other boy and purposely bumping into his shoulder on his way. "I thought you only liked ruining lives, not caring about what happens to them after."

"Matt, why...why do you hate me so much?" Alex asked softly, his voice hurt as his gaze followed Matt, who had his back turned to him.

The redhead stopped in his tracks and whirled back around. "How can you even ask that!" he cried. "You almost broke Mello and I up! How can I forgive you for something like that!" he demanded furiously, all the past guilt he'd felt in the hospital room gone.

"Please, Matt, I told you I was sorry! What more do you want from me!" Alex pleaded, his expression pained. "People make mistakes – don't act like you've never done something you were ashamed of later on!"

"I've never done anything compared to what you have!" Matt retorted, his hands clenching into fists. He could feel hot tears spring into his eyes.

"I'm sorry!" Alex repeated desperately. "Please, I don't want you to hate me! I-I can't stand it..." his voice trailed off. "I don't know what retribution I can offer so that you will forgive me. You-you don't even have to forgive me! Just please, please don't hate me..." he pleaded.

"You want retribution?" Matt asked. "Fine." His jaw tightened. "Why? Just tell me, why?"

"Why...?" Alex faltered.

"Why you would do something like this!" Matt fired. "Did you just come onto me that night hoping that Mello and I would be ruined, or just because you felt like it, what! I just want to know! And don't give me the whole 'I was wasted' line, because that's NO EXCUSE!"

Alex was silent for a while, his eyes lowered to the floor. "...You're right," he said at last, very softly. "It is no excuse."

"So why then?" Matt demanded.

"I guess because...because I love you," he said simply, looking up at Matt with tear-filled eyes.

Matt could feel his temper only grow, and he barked out a dry laugh. "You've got to be fucking kidding me!" he cried, laughing for real this time. "Do you honestly think I would believe that! THAT YOU STILL LOVE ME! Or are you forgetting how you abandoned me those years ago!"

"...I didn't forget," Alex replied. "It's the most regretted thing I've ever done."

"Well you know whose fault THAT is!" Matt asked sarcastically.

"Of course I know it was my fault. I've regretted it ever since it happened, but don't you understand! I had no choice-!"

"You had a choice! You were just too cowardly and weak to face my problems so you scrammed! You didn't want to deal with it! You were weak, cowardly, pathetic, and-!"

"STOP!" Alex suddenly cried. "Just STOP IT! You don't know anything! So just SHUT UP!" His eyes, tear-filled and distraught, begged Matt to let it be.

Matt -who had been ready to stream another long line of insults- froze, surprised. He couldn't recall a time when he'd seen Alex cry. Sure, he'd heard his pathetic attempts at apologies for the past few days, but never actually crying.

The blond didn't bother to even wipe away the tears as he spoke. "You just assume you know everything – that I just did everything I have because I'm cruel and wanted to hurt you. You want to believe the worst in me, and continue to hate me. I'm sorry for what I did, and if I could go back and change it I would. But you don't understand, you don't know how things were, or anything!"

"Then how were they!" Matt demanded. "Just go ahead and give your pathetic sob story over why you did what you did!"

Alex glared at him, much like he'd done that day in the kitchen. "Sob story, huh?" he gave a small laugh. "Why is it, that when you suspect me of having problems – you laugh at them and declare them 'sob stories', whereas when you hear all of the "Mummy Dearest" stories from your boyfriend, you automatically go into concern mode?" he asked softly.

Matt honestly had no answer, realizing that there was half-truth in what Alex said. He'd always dismissed his problems since he'd came, passed off his stories as nothing worthy of importance or concern. Nonetheless, he wouldn't be caught in such a trap. "Well, maybe that's because his problems are more worthy of concern than a broken nail or accidental hair-dying," the redhead said icily.

"Oh really?" Alex inquired. "So I suppose you've forgotten what you read in Marc's study?"

Actually, Matt had forgotten. With everything that had happened, he hadn't spared that folder a second thought. Now that it was mentioned again, the memory flooded back to him like a bright light, and he could feel his stomach begin to churn. "S-so what?" he said, trying to save face again. "You're going to tell me that you're all messed up because you're daddy got a little too touchy-feely?"

Alex shook his head in disgust. "You really are immature. I...I honestly thought you were better. That's why I fell in love with you in the first place, your maturity and intelligence. But now I see. It's all just a façade that you've created, to hide who you really are and protect yourself from getting hurt. I was the first person you ever got close to, the first person you ever let behind the mask. And now that I've hurt you, you refuse to take it off. You even hide from that little boyfriend of yours. You're unbelievable..."

"J-just shut up!" Matt said.

"I'm sorry, did I hit a nerve?" Alex mocked. "You know, I really feel sorry for Mello. He loves you more than anything, and you would rather lose him forever than simply to tell your uncle that you two are together. It's obvious that he isn't your first priority, that you only do what feels comfortable for you – and he allows it simply because he loves you and wants to stay with you! You just do what feels safe, you try to protect yourself, by declaring when he can touch you or who he can tell, and he just goes along with it like a fucking sheep! Because he loves you. He really really loves you. And you were just like him when you were with me. And now you're only playing out the same fate."

"Who are you to tell me that I'm in the wrong when you did exactly the same-"

"I loved you though!"

"And I love Mello!"

"But I would allow things to bend to your will!" Alex replied firmly, silencing Matt once more. "I wouldn't have minded if everyone in the school knew, but I could see that you weren't ready, so I didn't tell anyone for your sake! I would have preferred to be less secretive, but I was secretive, for you! I allowed you to make choices and decide when and who you wanted to tell! I wasn't the scared little child that hid everything from his uncle, the one person who even remotely loved him! Every decision I made, everything, was for you! Not myself!"

Matt was quiet, the full weight of Alex's words -and their truth- sinking in.

"We compromised on things, Matt," Alex continued. "You don't let Mello decide. Anything. And you see how much it's killing him inside, and you still don't seem to care."

"I do care!" Matt protested.

"Who are you trying to convince?" Alex asked.

"But I do love him!" Matt repeated, the hot tears in his eyes threatening to overflow. "I do!"

Alex gave him a soft smile. "I know you do," he said gently. "But you can't keep hiding behind this facade that you've created. You need to let someone see the real you for once." He took a step closer to Matt, and the redhead instinctively backed away. "I remember what you were like. And that person is still there, Matt-"

Matt shook his head, his expression hardening. "No, you're wrong. People change."

The blond gave a small sigh. "I suppose you're right. But..."

"But nothing," Matt interrupted, regaining his composure and wiping away the wetness in his eyes. "I'm not the scared little kid that you knew back then."

To his surprise, Alex laughed, and Matt could feel his temper flare up again. "Please, Matt, you can't fool me. You're still terrified, of the same things you were back then. Only now you don't have anyone to protect you from the ridicule. You're the one expected to do the protecting, and that's something that terrifies you."

The redhead could feel a slight jolt, the almost exact correctness of Alex's words hitting him with abrupt full-force. He remembered the date he'd gone on with Mello, that seemed so long ago but really hadn't even been a month; how he'd abruptly realised his newfound position and had felt the slight terror that it instilled in him. He hadn't wanted to be the one in charge, the one expected of protecting and shielding the other.

Apparently noticing Matt's change of expression, Alex took advantage of his silence and continued. "But you don't have to take sole responsibility, Matt. Mello isn't thirteen, he's older than you were in this situation, and he may have a child-like personality, but I can see he's a lot stronger than one would think. You don't have to endure everything alone," the blond informed him consolingly.

Matt could feel all of it suddenly; all of the emotions he'd felt, all the ones he'd repressed, all of his fears and worries, jumble together and come together in one overwhelming cloud of dread. Without quite realizing or planning to do so, he'd promptly taken a few steps forward and collapsed sobbing into Alex's arms. He didn't want to admit it, didn't want it to be true, but Alex knew him better than anyone. Even after two years he could still look at Matt and see the scared child he'd been back when they'd been together. The terrified thirteen-year-old that had been horrified at the thought of anyone knowing who he really was. It was as if the blond could read his thoughts and understand exactly how he was feeling; to organize all of the complex and complicated emotions and feelings and sort them out. He seemed to know Matt better than the redhead knew even himself.

Alex, who showed no surprise of Matt's sudden breakdown, simply wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close, allowing the younger boy to sob into his shoulder.

"I-I hate this," Matt cried, trying to control his stammering and tightening his arms around Alex. "I love Mello, I r-really do! But I-I can't do this! I-I can't! I can't..." he couldn't what? Despite however hard he tried, Matt couldn't find words to explain what he wanted to say.

"It's alright," Alex soothed, stroking his hair. "I understand."

After a few moments, Matt's sobs quieted to whimpers and he closed his eyes, relaxing against the other boy, as if he could transfer all of his fears and problems to the blond, as he used to do. "E-everything has just fallen apart... A-and it's all my fault! E-everything..."

"I know how you feel," Alex said soothingly. "Where everything seems to go wrong and you feel like you're losing everything you care about. But I promise that it isn't as bad as it seems, and it'll get better. And no matter what you think, it isn't your fault..."

Matt was silent for a few minutes, before finally speaking again. "...I'm sorry."

"Huh? For what?"

"F-for everything I said, e-especially the other night. I...I don't hate you, and … I don't wish you were dead."

Alex gave a small smile. "I know you didn't mean it. You were angry, and in all honesty I deserved it."

"Yeah, but...it wasn't true," Matt replied softly.

"Come on now," Alex said, unlatching Matt's arms from around him and looking into the other boy's tear-filled green eyes. "Don't be sorry – the past is the past. And besides, I think any punishment you would deserve has already been fully carried out these past few days." He gently fingered the scar that rested right above Matt's eye, the result of Emil's rather short temper.

Matt flinched a little at the other boy's touch, but didn't reject it. "I'm so sick of all of this..." he said, averting his gaze to the ground. "I just want things to go back to normal..."

"They will," Alex assured him. "Give it time."

Matt stepped away from the blond and sat down on the bench that Alex had been waiting on. The other boy hesitated, but then sat down beside him. They didn't speak. No more words were exchanged between them as they sat and waited in silence.

XxX

Mello could feel his heart skip as he saw a faint flutter of Emil's eyes. He stood beside the bed, his gaze fixed on the other boy's face, listening for an occasional small noise. He could hear his breathing elevate, become stronger and louder, the movements being more noticeable. Please... he thought. Please just wake up...

He gripped the other boy's hand tightly, as though willing him to open his eyes and respond. A little colour had finally risen into Emil's cheeks, and his body wasn't as frightfully cold. It was pure agony watching, waiting, praying. Mello had never felt so distraught in his entire life. He could see the other boy's lips moving, and hear his whispers, barely audible, and breathless. He moaned a little, and Mello jumped as he felt the other boy's hand close slightly around his own. Mello fought to control the tears in his eyes as he waited, still watching the other boy's face. Emil's eyelids flickered a few more times, his whispers and murmurs becoming louder, and then finally...he opened his eyes.

Dark brown eyes looked up at Mello from the bed, gazing at him curiously as though confused as to where he was and why. Unable to sit up due to exhaustion and weakness, Emil simply glanced around the room from where he lay down, his eyes then coming to rest on the blond standing beside his bed. "M-Mello?" he whispered, his voice a soft rasp.

The blond couldn't control the smile of relief that spread across his face, the tears finally overflowing as he promptly threw his arms around Emil's neck and buried his face into his shoulder. "I was so worried!" he sobbed. "You s-scared me half to death! Wh-wh-why would you do something like that!" he demanded hysterically.

Slightly startled, Emil wrapped his arms around the crying blond and held him close, stroking his hair. It was then that his attention was grabbed suddenly by the white bandages on both of his wrists. At first, he couldn't remember why they were there, but soon all of the dream-like memories flooded back to him: the fear, the hopelessness, the emptiness, the blackness that had swallowed him just before he'd fallen asleep...

And he had woken up here. He'd woken up here, in a hospital, with Mello crying beside his bed, demanding why he'd done such a thing. Truthfully, Emil wasn't sure. So many things had overwhelmed him, had caused him to sink into the pit of despair that he'd dug for himself over the years. He'd wanted to die so badly, just to escape everything: his feelings, his fears, his hopelessness... "...I-I'm sorry," he said, not knowing what other answer he could give at this point.

Mello only tightened his hold around Emil, sobbing harder. "I thought you were dead!" he wailed. "I-I was s-so scared! I-I...it's all my fault...!"

"No!" Emil said immediately, pulling Mello away to look into his face. "None of this is your fault!" he said. "None of it!" His expression turned pained. "Please, please don't blame yourself for this, there's so much more to it..." his voice cracked as tears welled in his own eyes.

Mello pulled himself up into the bed, snaking his arms underneath the black-headed boy's body and holding him close as he lay down beside him, still crying. "Wh-why?" he repeated. "Why else would you do something like that?" his voice was high-pitched.

"I..." Emil sighed. "I don't know. A lot of things." He wrapped his arms around Mello comfortingly again. "But it wasn't you. So please, don't ever think that it was." His heart suddenly felt heavy, at the sight of Mello crying, clutching him as though he would disappear any second, sobbing hysterically over his almost-death. He hadn't...expected it.

"How can I not think it was me?" Mello asked softly, sobs ceased slightly as silent tears coursed down his face.

"Because I'm telling you, it isn't."

"God, Emil, y-you scared me half to death..." the sobs threatened to come again. "When I walked in the room, and I saw you-" he stopped, taking a shaking breath. "I don't know what I would do if I lost you," he said. He gripped a handful of Emil's shirt in his hand. "Please, promise me you won't ever do something like that again..." he pleaded.

"Mello, I-"

"Promise me, please..."

Emil gave a heavy sigh, burying his face in the other boy's blond hair. "I promise. I would never want to hurt you..."

They lay there together in silence for a while, simply trying to organise and make sense of all their thoughts. Emil gently stroked Mello's hair, as the blond drifted off into a much-needed sleep. When he was certain that Mello was asleep, Emil glanced down at his bandaged wrists, remembering the force he'd cut them with. They didn't hurt now. In fact, it hadn't hurt when he'd done it. It had been a euphoric sensation, devoid of any physical feeling. His mind had been too drugged, too hazy, to think. It had all happened so fast... He'd often heard that when someone attempted suicide, they realised during the process that they didn't actually want to die. Emil figured this was reasonable; it was something you couldn't reverse, and it was usually clear that one's petty problems could be solved with an alternate route than ending their life. Yet...Emil hadn't had any such realisation, or sudden desire to live. He'd wanted to die, so much so that he'd planned it for weeks, extensively, carried out every little detail. He'd cut both wrists, to ensure that he would bleed enough...and the whole time, he hadn't thought "I want to live". Everything had hurt too much, even the things he loved only caused him pain. He'd wanted to end it, wanted to close his eyes and never wake up again.

Yet, here, with Mello asleep in his arms, hysterical because Emil had attempted such an atrocity, the black-haired boy couldn't imagine ever wanting to die.

XxX

Matt was terrified to go back into the hospital room. There was no doubt in his mind that Emil was awake now, and Matt knew that if he so much as set one foot in the room, Emil would probably throw something at him. He didn't want to go back in, didn't want to have to face Emil – who probably hated him with more passion than Matt could've found in anyone else in the world. He wasn't prepared for the long string of curses Emil would probably throw at him, or the look of pure adamant hatred that would glare in his eyes as soon as he looked at Matt. Even though Matt knew fully well he deserved it, he didn't desire the guilty and shamed feeling that washed over him at the sight of the other boy now.

He gave a heavy sigh, knowing that he didn't really have a choice. He had to settle things, make amends some way, or else he would never be able to live with himself. Emil was Mello's friend, and it would be a problem if they hated each other so much that they couldn't even be in the same room. So with a heavy heart and feeling of dread, Matt slowly opened the hospital door.

To his surprise, Emil wasn't in bed, but sitting on a chair by the window, looking distantly outside, as though in deep thought. Glancing over at the bed, Matt found Mello curled up asleep, his blond hair shielding part of his face. He found himself staring for a moment, not sure for what reason other than he didn't think he could stand to look at Emil right now.

However his gaze was brought back to the black-haired boy, when a soft voice from the window caught his attention.

"I didn't expect him to cry."

"Huh?" Matt turned to look at the other boy in surprise; he hadn't yelled, thrown himself at Matt, threatened to kill him? He'd simply spoken, calmly, as though nothing had ever happened.

"Mello, I...I didn't think he would cry," Emil said, his expression slightly troubled as he continued gazing out the window.

Matt finally realised what he was talking about, and a sudden pulse of anger surged through him. "Of course he would cry!" he said angrily. "You almost killed yourself, and he found you! How was he supposed to react to finding his best friend laying on the floor covered in blood!" he demanded incredulously.

Emil's gaze lowered slightly. "I...don't know." He sighed. "I hadn't known it would hurt him so much."

"I don't believe what I'm hearing! You didn't think Mello would care if you died! Emil, you're his best friend! How could you think that!"

The black-haired boy shrugged, unaffected by Matt's anger. "I just...didn't."

"God, would you stop feeling sorry for yourself! Stop acting like the whole world hates you and no one cares about you and that they'd rather you be dead! It isn't true, and the pity act is getting really annoying!" Matt said irritably.

To his surprise, Emil laughed. "You always were bluntly honest. In fact...that's one thing I liked about you. When we were at camp, it was like we could be completely frank with each other without the other getting offended." He smiled and hugged his knees to his chest. "I always just thought Mello was being nice to me because he felt sorry for me, or felt obligated to. I guess I never imagined that..."

"...that he actually cared about you?" Matt finished, his anger dissipating a bit, though the irritation at Emil's blatant ignorance still lingering slightly.

"Yes, I suppose," Emil replied slowly. "But if...something like this would hurt him so badly, then I guess I shouldn't question the honesty of his friendship."

"You never should have questioned it in the first place," Matt informed him matter-of-fact. "You've put Mello through hell tonight because of your stupid selfish actions."

"...and you think you haven't done the same, with your own selfish actions the past few weeks?" Emil asked him softly, finally turning to look at him; it wasn't a look of hatred, just a regular gaze, as though to tell Matt he already knew the answer.

Matt squirmed uncomfortably, looking down at the floor. "...I made mistakes, I know that. But...I think I've paid for them." He shrugged uncomfortably. "But I don't suppose that matters to you. I would hate me too, in your place."

The other boy was silent for a while, still looking at Matt as though thinking something over. Finally, he responded. "I don't hate you," he said. "I admit I did before, and I still hold resentment for the fact that you're the only one who can give Mello what he wants. But...I don't hate you. If anything, I suppose I hate myself for not being able to give him what he needs to be happy."

"Emil...what do you mean?"

Emil stood up from his chair, walking over to the bed where Mello was still asleep, gently resting his hand on his head. Slowly, he ran his fingers through the other boy's hair, giving a soft sigh. "His whole life, Mello's never been loved in the way a child is supposed to," he explained, and Matt was surprised to find Emil was speaking French. The redhead supposed this was in case Mello was awake and listening. "His mother only ever showed him hatred and instilled fear in him. When he met me, he finally had someone who did love him, and cared about him, the way he always wanted. But...I think what attracted him to you, what made him want to hold on to you...is the stability that you have." At this, Emil glanced up at Matt.

"Stability...?" Matt repeated, switching also to French.

"Nothing in his life has ever been stable. But you...I mean, you have a solid home, an uncle that loves you and always will love you and continue to take care of you. You...your stability, the peace and comfort that you have, it's what Mello needs. I mean...look at me." Emil gave a small helpless laugh and gestured at his bandaged wrists. "My life is no more stable than his. I could never help him the way you can. He needs you, for the things that I can't give him. I think...that's why he's drawn to you. And I realise it now, that..." he trailed off and looked up at Matt, tears glistening in his eyes. "...I can't help him. I can be there as a friend, yes, but...he needs you." Emil walked around to the other side of the bed and faced Matt. He rested his hands on the redhead's shoulders and looked him steadily, pleadingly, in the face. "Please...I'm begging you, please...take care of him..." his voice cracked a little. "I wish that I could, you have no idea how bad I wish I could give him that, but...I can't. So please, please just..." a small sob escaped his throat.

"I will," Matt said quickly, not wanting the other boy to break down crying in front of him again.

"That's why..." Emil said with a deep breath. "I can't hate you. You make him happy, happier than I ever could. So please, promise me that you won't ever hurt him again..." Emil's eyes bore into his, pleading, begging...

"I promise," Matt said.

He could see the tears fall from Emil's eyes now, streaking his face. It was as though everything; the stress of worrying, the relief about not having to worry so much anymore, the years spent taking care of -not himself- but Mello, the years of torture in which he loved someone who could never love him back, the heartbreak of watching the person he loved fall in love with someone else..., it all began to fall, break down, the tough and indifferent mask he'd so carefully constructed breaking and shattering into pieces, revealing the person behind it. He continued to cry, and Matt -not knowing what else to do- tentatively wrapped his arms around him and pulled Emil close.

Emil stiffened at first, obviously not used to it. However a moment later he wrapped his arms tightly around Matt and buried his face in his chest, sobbing, his hands clenching around fistfuls of the redhead's shirt. He cried harder than he'd ever cried in his life, everything overwhelming at once. The first person to ever comfort him, the first time he'd ever truly been comforted instead of comforting someone else. It was as though a huge wave of relief swam through him, taking with it a giant weight off of his shoulders. Emil couldn't stop the tears that came, and he continued sobbing in the arms of the person he had hated most, the person he wanted to still hate but truly couldn't, the person who'd taken away the only one he'd ever loved, and the person Emil had sworn he would always hate no matter what. His shattered voice broke through the sobs suddenly, slightly muffled. "You...you don't hate me, d-do you?" he asked Matt, a small whimper escaping behind the words.

"Of course not," Matt whispered. "You haven't done anything wrong."

"I-I'm really scared," Emil admitted, his voice trembling.

"I know. But...things will get better," he said, repeating the words Alex had told him not too long ago. "Maybe not soon, but they will. And until then...Mello cares about you. You can always talk to him."

"He has enough problems without me forcing mine on him," Emil replied bitterly.

"Well, then...you can always come to me," Matt said softly. "You said yourself I have stability. If you feel guilty forcing your problems on Mello, then force them on me."

Emil was silent for a while, trying to quiet the sobs that had only grown louder. "I-I couldn't do that," he said. "You don't deserve it either."

"Emil, no one deserves problems like these. But friends are supposed to be able to help, to make it bearable. No one is expected to deal alone."

The black-haired boy drew away, looking into Matt's face incredulously, as though to search for some hint of a smile or that what he'd just said had been some sort of joke. "You...are you saying that we...that we're friends?" he asked softly.

Matt, suddenly feeling uncomfortable (as he wasn't used to touching situations or the like), simply looked away with a pink face and shrugged. "If you want. Seems like you could use more friends." And truthfully, Matt could too.

The other boy simply stood, as though shocked, staring at Matt as the redhead's words sunk in. A small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth, and as though not knowing what else to say, he simply uttered "Thank you."

Matt shrugged again, trying to brush it off. "Er, it's nothing. Don't get all sappy."

Emil laughed and wiped his eyes, stepping away from Matt. "I don't remember the last time I cried that hard."

"You looked like you were due for crying," Matt stated, turning his gaze back to Mello, who hadn't woken at all during the conversation.

"You should take him home," Emil surprised him by saying. "He needs rest and I think it'd be best if he got away from this depressing atmosphere."

Matt turned back to Emil and gave him a knowing smile. "You know he'll be hysterical if he wakes up and you aren't here."

"I guess you're right..." Emil admitted, biting his lip.

"Just let him sleep here. When he wakes up we'll sort everything out," Matt said.

"Alright, but...where are you going?" Emil asked.

"I dunno." Matt shrugged. "Probably back to Marc's house. It's not as if I'm needed here, and...he and I need to talk anyway."

"Oh..." Emil trailed off. "Well, I guess I'll, uh, see you later then..."

"Yeah..." Matt found he didn't know what to say as well. "Later, then." He turned and started to walk to the door, but Emil stopped him.

"Wait-!" he said, grabbing Matt's wrist, and blushing at his actions. "I, uh..." Apparently unable to explain himself in words, he abruptly threw his arms around Matt's neck – a silent thank you, Matt presumed.

He returned the sudden embrace, before backing out and opening the door. He could see Emil watching after him as he stepped out into the hall, softly shutting the door behind him.

-End of Chapter 12-

I'm sorry I cut this into two parts, but it ended up being over 30 pages and I since a lot of stuff happened I felt it was too much to cram into one chapter, so I decided to just space it out. eue;