I LIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
…
Ahem.
Idea submitted by Dinelleth
Dear Lord Elrond,
Thank you for providing me with Mr. Brown's phone number. The name sounds familiar but right now I'm having a hard time recalling why since Elizabeth just smashed a rum bottle down on my head. She/he said it was an accident, but I have my doubts that it was since at the time she/he was screaming at the top of her/his lungs that I was not leaving her/him and that some maiden by the name of labradorite had better stay away from me.
Right now I would do anything for labradorite if she could get me away from this crazy cross-dresser! I would appreciate it if you would pass that on to her.
Will Turner
***
Dear Will,
Instead of a verbal response, labradorite replied with a suggestive eyebrow raise and a rather crude noise I don't think I could replicate. She is a rather strange creature.
Good luck avoiding your cross-dressing wife/husband—surprises like that are a bitch, aren't they?
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by Araloth the Random
Dear Elrond,
I really do not appreciate your vile actions in regard to my Nazgul. Having their bodily forms drowned in the Baranduin is highly embarrassing and an affront to their feelings. The Witch-King has been inconsolable for days, and Nazgul Number 5 has taken to his habit of eating raw onions again. Yes, freaking raw onions. I also do not appreciate your sending MY ring off to Eru-knows-where in the hands of a witless halfling. I demand full compensation for my losses.
I send you a thwap over the nose for your insolence.
Sauron
***
Dear Sauron,
I reply to your "thwap on the nose" with a hearty shove. HA.
I apologize for Lord Glorfindel's (or Arwen's, depending on whom you ask) blatant disregard for the Nazgul's feelings. As soon as they promise to either leave Middle Earth, cease attacking the pretty elves, or stop generally being a nuisance, we will promise to never again drown them in the Baranduin (though you never said anything about other rivers).
Yes, you will be receiving full compensation for your losses. Oh, and did you know that Elton John is straight, Hugo Weaving has normal eyebrows, and Johnny Depp is ugly?
Good. Glad we're on the same page here.
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by Araloth the Random
Dear Elrond,
Apparently there are those who think braids, full-grown beards, helmets, axe-wielding and having anger management issues is "hott."
I thought only Legolas got the fangirls. And the problems associated with having fangirls.
Ahem. HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hyperventilating Dwarf
***
Dear Gimli,
I daresay that, though you are quite a handsome fellow, the fangirls are most likely in love with the idea of you and Legolas together.
Make of that what you will.
If you wish to avoid further, er, incidences with said girls, maybe you should finally get married (I've said the same thing to Legolas Eru-only-knows how many times. Won't you two just pick someone? ANYONE?!). That should stop them.
Good luck!
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by Robbie the Phoenix
Dear Elrond
I contacted this Captain Jack Sparrow, as you suggested. However, he was unbelievably unhelpful due to the fact that he was drunk on rum. Amidst all the babble, he did mention that Harry met "some sparkly bloke named Edward" and he hadn't seen him since. Would you happen to know of anyone matching that description?
I swear that if I don't hear from Harry soon, there won't be enough Dr. Phil's in the world to help him after I finally DO get my hands on him. If you happen to hear from him, tell him that his days are numbered.
(Signed elaborately)
Ginny Potter
Desperate Housewitch
***
Dear Ginny,
If I know who Jack Sparrow is referring to (and I think I do) then it is most likely that you will never see Harry again (apparently wizards with lightning bolt scars taste much better than normal humans). I'm terribly sorry about this, but I'll have you know that I had nothing to do with it at all.
And I highly doubt that "Dr." Phil has ever helped anyone, let alone someone as effed up in the brain like your husband.
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by Mageia
Dear Elrond,
You probably don't know me. But I am an Elf of Rivendell and I am very concerned about some peculiar stereotypes that I've encountered. You see, I got this letter from a shoemaker asking if I could go into his house at night and make his shoes for him. I thought that his request that I come into his house in the middle of the night quite perverted and disturbing so I threw it away. But the week after that, I got this list of toys from a little boy asking if I could bring it to some fat guy named "Santa Claus." I managed to put up with such silly letters for about a month, but when my sister was given a pair of doll sized mittens with a note that complemented her cookies, I decided that it was quite enough.
I don't know if this is another joke set up by your sons or the rapid decline of intelligence in humans but it would be nice if you could help us restore some peace in my house.
Concerned Citizen
***
Dear Citizen,
Well, did you ever consider just going to that person's house in the middle of the night and ruining all of their shoes? And I highly doubt it would have killed you to forward that poor little boy's list of Christmas wishes on—have a heart!
Humans are hopelessly stupid; it's best not to question it.
And I wouldn't put it past my sons to think it rip-roaringly funny to start a stereotype like that, so your accusations are well-founded.
Sorry about any inconvenience, but the stupidity of mortals is not my forte, unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it). Best of luck to you!
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by NiRi's Narrations
To: UgliestElfEver at Mirkwood . elfrealm . ME
From: 2hott2trott at Erebor . Wilderland . ME
Dear Tharan.. Thrandoo… Tharandoouil… or however you spell it. I hope you get this email. Elrond gave the address to me, and I had to scratch my scales as I've seen you from a distance and you don't look ugly to me. I've been around the block, let me tell you, and it's them blasted Noldor that are U-G-L-Y. Mean tempered, too. I should probably CC it to Studmuffin at Mirkwood . elfrealm . ME, and maybe send a copy via squirrel courier just to be safe.
Anyhow, as I was telling Elrond, that meddling wizard Gandalf is bringing thirteen dwarves (whatever happened to the usual seven? Did Snow White breed more or something?) to the Lonely Mountain to kill me. That of course means he will be sending them through YOUR realm. Just giving you a heads up. You might want to be on the lookout and if you can detain them, I'd be very grateful. I might even give up some white gems if you can hold them off indefinitely.
But the real purpose of this email is to inquire about getting some of those virgin Fangurlz. See, I really don't like eating dwarves or men, and I don't wish to make children motherless, so it's really safest if I eat the virgins (they taste better too!) I reckon I could even stop eating the occasional lost elf if you could manage to hook me up. Can I get them via mail order, do you think? I've heard the giant eagles have a monopoly with that overnight delivery (UES: United Eagle Shipping) which is outrageously priced! But perhaps I can arrange to get them via Squirrel Courier. Or that new delivery service I just heard about: Ranger Express. I think the last person I ate said something about those fangurlz following scruffy rangers about. Don't know why. They are awfully smelly and unsanitary.
Thank you for your time, and I hope you never have to deal with that silly Peredhel in Rivendell. No help whatsoever! And don't forget to watch out for those dwarves! I shall be in touch to make payment arrangements.
Sincerely,
Smaug
***
This letter was answered by Thranduil and forwarded to labradorite for the sake of this chapter.
To: 2hott2trott at Erebor . Wilderland . ME
From: Studmuffin at Mirkwood . elfrealm . ME
Subject: It would have been easier to get this through Squirrel Courier
Dear, er, Smaug,
I've never liked that stupid Gandalf much, regardless of how good his party salsa is. I'll do everything in my considerable power to detain them, but I make no promises as Gandalf is a pretty scary guy, and that staff is practically taller than I am.
I have a plethora of fangirls and you can drop by anytime to pick some of them—I doubt they'd object if I suggested it, as they think rather highly of me. I've never eaten one, but I would assume that they taste just as good as any other virgin; you might have to wipe the stupid off of them before you eat them though.
Good luck,
King Thranduil
Idea submitted by gernzy
Dear Elrond,
Due to the advice of Estel and our good friend Legolas, we have recently typed in our names on this interweb Google thing. We were appalled to find such articles involving a practice called "twincest," written by journalist types who are also interested in two red haired friends of that Harry Potter lad, and some devilish Japanese school boys.
We are just appalled at this breech of privacy and would like to inform the general public that that only happened ONCE…erm…I mean that that is disgusting and the thought has never EVER crossed our estranged minds.
Please help
Elladan and Elrohir
P.S. Out of personal interest we also typed in your name and you'd be shocked at the wide spread opinion that you and "uncle" Glorfindel are getting it on.
***
Dear Elladan and Elrohir,
Please don't ever mention me and Glorfindel "getting it on" ever again. I barely managed to keep down my lunch. If I've said this once, I've said it a thousand times: I have absolutely no control over scary fangirls. In fact, this entire chapter has been about fangirls, and labradorite is starting to get pissed. I would suggest just avoiding "boogie-boarding the internet" or whatever it is Legolas called it.
If you're so against incest, please help me in convincing Arwen that it is wrong. She seems to think that marrying her foster brother is acceptable.
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by HT
Dear Elrond
I am beginning to suspect that my father prefers my older brother over me. I got a clue from phrases I overheard such as "I know his uses and they are few."
Also he sent me on a suicide mission and then tried to burn me alive. Do you think there is anything in it or am I just being paranoid?
Faramir
***
Dear Faramir,
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your brother Boromir is a pretty cool cat. It must be hard having to deal with someone so awesome as a brother.
That being said, he's going to be killed soon (if he hasn't already, as I don't know when you wrote this letter), so you'll have dear ol' daddy all to yourself in barely any time at all.
But then again, you probably don't want to deal with Denethor all by yourself now. Shame.
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by HT
Dear Elrond
I hear there is an elderly white bearded gentleman hanging around with some elves in middle earth. Could you please ensure he is returned to this world in time for 25th December? He knows I've been good and nice as he has checked his list twice.
Little Bobby
***
Dear Bobby,
You better watch out, because I've forwarded your letter on to that gentleman and he's coming to your town.
Lord Elrond
P.S: I've always thought it was creepy that he sees you when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake. I mean, Galadriel does the same thing, but it's less pedophilic when she does it.
Dear Elrond,
I'm embarrassed to be writing to you, but it seems I have no other options. You, as an elf, have gorgeous, flowing hair, and I'm writing in for some handy tips on how to do that. You see, my hair (though just as thick and luscious as yours) has a rather greasy quality to it that is uncontrollable. How can I fix this?
Severus Snape
***
Dear Snape,
TAKE A SHOWER.
Lord Elrond
A/N: Sorry for the delay on this one, guys, it's been a whirlwind week full of celebrations and picnics and shaving cream fights, so I've been rather busy.
The Jell-O elves weren't a big hit, so why don't we revert back to chocolate covered? They now come in dark chocolate, white chocolate, milk chocolate and caramel chocolate (because that's a real thing). Hope you enjoyed!