A/N: I want to thank you all for the amazing reviews I got on the last chapter. I tried to thank everyone personally but I'm sure I didn't.

Those last few months have been filled with nothing but life and writers block, but I just want you to know that no matter what I will finish this story.

Chapter Twelve

She regrets it.

She didn't want to kiss him and was just caught up in the moment.

He completely misinterpreted everything for the last three years.

She never wanted to kiss him.

She regrets it.

He's just a friend to her and nothing more.

Those thoughts run through his head, over and over and over again. And then they start again – adding more painful thoughts, like she was just lonely, she thought she needed to thank him for being there for her, it was the combination of wine and her medication, she doesn't have the feelings for him he has for her. She doesn't. She doesn't. She doesn't.

It's been twenty minutes since she stormed out of the door, left him speechless and hovering by the entry, unable to move, to do anything except for starring at the door, hoping that it magically opens again and this hell had just been a dream. A really bad nightmare.

They were doing so fine. She was letting him in, in a way he never thought – only dreamed – she would. And she kissed him. It's not like he pushed her to do anything. No, he talked himself out crossing that line for weeks, months, years even. She is the one who crossed the line he thought was disappearing lately – with all the touching and hugging and hand holding and talking about their fears.

And what is she doing? She runs and he can't even bring himself to blame her because that's what she does. She's not afraid, never – not of danger, always headfirst into the battle but about things like that? Emotions, love, letting people love her instead of just fixing her up until she's ready to be back in the war. Is that what he is to her – the person to fix her up until she can stand alone again, ready to fight for a life that's lost, ready to lose her own live over another?

He could love her if she let him, he already does. He could make her happy, he knows that.

But-

She regrets it.

She was just lonely.

She doesn't have the same feelings for him he has for her.

And he is mad. At himself, for letting that happen, for not pushing her away before she leaned into him. He's mad at her, because he loves her and she doesn't love him but she kissed him anyway. And she might not remember him telling her but deep down he knows that she knows that what he's feeling for her is so much more than just friendship, just partnership.

She regrets it.

He moves away from the door, there is no use in standing there like a puppy waiting for it's owner to come back out of a store when clearly he is left alone. She left him.

Again.

He's stupid – so stupid, thinking that she'd change, thinking that even a traumatic event like that could make her see what's right in front of her. Could make her see see that he's been there, for three years, just waiting. For her. For her to finally see that he isn't some shallow playboy. Not anymore. Not when he's with her, not when he sees the way life could be. Real life – not Page Six.

/

He's halfway through his office when he hears the knock on the door. He's sure his mind is playing tricks on him. She's not coming back, not after she stormed out like that. That's just something she doesn't do – he can't imagine her doing. But the sound echos through the loft again, louder this time, more determined. And he things about ignoring it – she made her decision, right? But he's not alone and his daughter is upstairs and he doesn't want her to witness whatever it is that is going on here.

He doesn't even know. Fuck- She regrets it, regrets it, regrets it.

He swings the door open still not sure if he'd find her on the other side.

But he does. He finds her – hands deep in the pockets of her leather jacket, hair falling like a curtain around her face. And still, she's looking right at him. Eyes wide and dark.

"What do you want?" He spats and he can't take it back, because he is mad – at her, at himself, at everything. Her mouth opens and closes again, she's taking a deep breath, closing her eyes for a moment before opening them and looking him in the eyes. It's not like her and it scares him. This whole evening scares him – or more like the last hour. It's confusing and surreal and-

What the hell is happening? It was supposed to be a nice evening, it was supposed to bring her and his family closer together, it was supposed to be a step in the right direction. Not this.

"I promised your daughter that I won't run again just three hours ago. I'm not going to break my promise," her voice is quiet but steady, certainty lacing her words. And maybe that's what pushes him over the edge.

"Don't you think that's too late now?"

She stares at him, eyes narrow, something that comes close to sorrow written over her her features.

"I can explain," she starts.

"Explain what?" Maybe it's just now that all his build up feelings from those past months are boiling over. Or maybe he's just too heartbroken. "Why you ran away after you kissed me? You kissed me, Kate. This time you kissed me. But okay, I get it."

He doesn't.

"Get what, Rick?" Her voice is lower now, more cautious.

"Get that this," he points with his fingers between the two of them, his eyes still not really meeting hers, "is not what you want. You hurt and- I don't know you just wanted to feel something. And I'm-"

"You really think I'm using you like that?" She interrupts him, unbelieving at first and then, after some time, something flashes across her face, realization maybe.

"I've been using you," she whispers to herself then, fingers reaching up to brush the place where he knows her scar is hidden. A habit she seems to have developed lately. "All this time you did exactly what I needed you to and I never asked you how you-".

Fuck-

This is not going well. This conversation is turning from horrible to hell in seconds and there's nothing he can do about it. There's no way to stop spinning down this spiral they're in.

"Kate-," he says but it collides with her speaking at the same time.

"I heard you at the funeral," she blurts it out, quickly, in one breath, like she's afraid of her own words.

Confusion rushes over him. She heard him? She heard him saying what? She heard – oh no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Something bitter rises up in his throat.

"You heard- me," he manages to breathe out, eyes closed, not able to look at her right now.

It's been weeks since that day, countless nights he lay awake, reliving each and every moment of it, waking up panting and shaking in the middle of the night with the feeling of her blood on his fingers and dying words on his lips – words he thought she couldn't remember. Words he's been keeping to himself, burying deep in his heart, waiting for the moment to let them free. Someday, when the haunted look disappeared from her eyes and the shaking in her fingers stopped whenever she talked about that day. All those weeks – and she remembered.

It's like the ground is pulled away from underneath him and he's falling and falling and falling. He's waiting to hit the ground, but rock bottom is still miles away and he just keeps on spiraling down that road into nowhere.

I heard you at the funeral.

He's waiting to wake up from a nightmare but when he opens his eyes again it's not dark and he's not in his bed. He's still by the door and she's still staring at him – something he can't quite place written on her face. Maybe it's guilt, or fear, or sorrow. Maybe it's all. Maybe it's nothing.

It's her who speaks first, vulnerable but with a strength he doesn't have right now. His heart is breaking into pieces.

"Please, let me explain."

"Explain what exactly?" he asks, no fight left in him. Just pain and a whole lot of nothing. "Explain how you don't feel the same and wanted to protect my feelings? Do me a favor Beckett and forget it. I really don't need to hear you apolo-"

"How I don't feel the same? You really think that I-"

"Would you please be quiet? I don't want my mother or my daughter to hear you," he interrupts then, too tired to listen, not tired enough to not care. Never tired enough to not care.

He loves her and she broke his heart, keeps on breaking it.

She eyes him for a moment before she walked past him, straight into his office, not looking back, waiting for him to follow. He does.

Her back is facing him when he enters and she's holding herself by the elbows. It seems like the strength she was carrying around just moments ago is drenched out of her. He just stands, watches her back, too exhausted to take a step towards her. He waits. It's her turn to talk. He's done enough talking.

He talked. She heard.

She heard him. Fuck-

Why is she even still here? Isn't it enough to rip his heart into pieces?

"I had a bullet in my heart-," she starts then. "I don't mean this to be a sob story, but I had a bullet in my heart. My Captain died because of me, someone wanted me dead-, she stops and he can see her taking in a shaky breath. "Someone wants me dead and I have no idea who, just that it's big and- I'm just so sorry."

"That still doesn't explain why you lied to me."

He's done playing game.

"I'm so messed up. Most days I'm still surprised that I wake up in the morning. Sometimes I lay awake wondering if I'm dreaming or still dying or why the hell I didn't die that day. I mean, what sense does it make for me to live anyway?" She chuckles dryly, or maybe she sobs, he's not sure. But her head is hanging forward and he can hear her gulping.

"No, Kate. Don't say that," his voice is soft and he doesn't know where he gathers the strength to talk instead of cry.

She turns around then and he can see the tears glistering in her eyes, threatening to fall.

"See? That's what I'm talking about. Most days I walk around wondering when they'll get to me. And then there's you and it's just so unfair," a tear runs down her cheek when she brushes hair out of her face with shaky fingers.

"Unfair because I love you and you don't-"

"Castle, stop saying that I don't love you when we both know that's not the truth," she spats, almost sounding mad at him. And then-

-silence.

He can't stop staring at her and she opens her mouth a few times but no words are coming out.

"What?" He manages after what seems like minutes later.

She shakes her head, eyes falling to the floor for a moment before finding his again. "I'm so- in love with you, Castle and that scares me. I've never been that afraid in my life, because I mess up. I mess everything up and I can't lose you but I'm not- you deserve so much more than me. I'm so sorry."

"Kate-," he tries to interrupt her rambling but she just keeps on talking.

"And then I have a bullet in my heart and you tell me you love me. And I can't even remember the last time someone said those words to me, can't remember when someone really meant them, can't remember when I last felt the same. Probably never. But I can't get hurt again- I won't survive to get hurt again. Not after my mom- and then you say those words and for a moment I was happy because I thought the last thing I've ever heard in my life were your words. It was a good way to die and then I wake up and this thing- this wall inside me grew even taller and thicker and I'm even further apart from the person I want to be. Everything hurt and whoever killed my mom still wants to kill me and Momtgomery is dead and you told me you loved me and how do I deal with all of that when I'm not even able to move?"

Her words don't make any sense and somehow they explain everything.

"So you lied?" he asks but she doesn't listen to his question.

"But I try to get better," she mumbles, taking a few tentative steps towards him. He doesn't move back, "because I want to be able to be that person I want to be, to have this kind of- kind of relationship I want to have. To maybe someday be enough for you," the last part is just a whisper but he sees the honesty in her eyes, can feel it in the air between them.

They are close now, just a feet or two in between them, he can almost feel her breath on his lips. All madness in washed away from him. Instead he's just tired and so confused and his heart is aching but also beating with hope.

I'm so- in love with you.

He's not sure if this is still reality. And still – he's not able to talk.

"At first I thought I'd never be ready because all I wanted to do was die. It felt like dying – every day," she takes another step towards him. "And then those past few weeks, you were here for me just like you've always been. You've made things better and I finally started to believe again. I wanted to tell you but it's been so long and I couldn't comprehend- couldn't deal with everything that happened that day. Still can't. But it's getting better."

You've made things better.

She's done talking. He can feel it in the way her breathing changed, her head tilt to the side, hugging herself.

She's Kate Beckett and she just laid her heart free in front of him. It's not her, but it's her new her, the person that shares a little more and hugs him. The person she claims he made.

"Why did you lie to me, Kate?"

"Because I'm afraid. What if you break my heart? I know you can. I won't be able to- I was only trying to somehow get through the days," her eyes are falling from his and silent tears are running down her face.

He's still not sure what to feel. Too many things happened within just an hour, but he wants to believe her. He does. He wants to understand and as sick as it is, he even does understand why she did what she did. It still hurts and he still needs answers and he needs to think for once.

"Why did you kiss me?" His throat is dry and his voice is raspy as the words leave his mouth. "Why did you just run away?"

"I kissed you because that's what I've been wanting to do for weeks. Who am I kidding?" She mumbles the last part to herself. "I've been wanting to do that for- a really, really long time. And then I realized that I was being unfair and I panicked and then- well, I'm here and I'm so sorry. For everything I did."

He breathes heavily and wets his lips with his tongue. He has all those words running through his mind but he doesn't know how to put them into the right order and they're still just standing across from each other in the almost dark office.

"Say something," she says, panic in her voice.

"I understand you," he answers, "and I forgive you."

There's a pause.

"But?"

He needs time.

"I need some time."

"Rick-," she says, an almost pleading sound leaving her lungs and he can see her fingers twitching at her side, almost as if she wants to reach out to him, but she doesn't.

"I'll call you," he continues when her eyes drop to the floor and she quickly reaches up to brush a tear away. His eyes are burning.

"Okay," she mumbles not looking at him – he knows she's about to break down. She moves to turn around, but before she leaves the room he reaches out. His fingers move into her hair, cup the back of her head with maybe a little too much force. Her eyes move up until they meet his.

"I'll call you," he repeats because her eyes give her away – she's not sure he will. And maybe that's what happens – when the ground is pulled away from underneath you at such a young age, you just can't believe anymore.

Nineteen is too freaking young.

He pulls her closer, gently this time, until her nose hits his shoulder and she can bury her face in his neck.

"I'm so sorry," she repeats for the millionth time and his lips find the top of her head as he breathes her in for a moment.

"I know you are," he whispers, "and I meant it when I said that I understand why you did what you did. And I'm not mad. I'm hurt but- but I understand because I know you, Kate." She was just protecting what was left of herself.

He feels her arms closing around him, fingers pressing into his shoulder blades.

"We'll be okay," he says. "I promise we'll be okay. I just need- I need a little bit of time. Can you give me that?"

"Everything, Castle. I'll give you everything," she answers without hesitation.

A/N: This chapter gave me so much trouble and I don't think I'm really happy with its outcome. It would still make me happy if you could leave me a short comment.