A/N: I don't have any rights to SOA.

A/N 2: I owe you all a sex scene and I'm sorry, I just don't have it in me this week. That's what the wait has been. I figured you would forgive me for not putting a sex scene in if I updated sooner than later and added in a good Donna/Tara scene.

Chapter 12

(Hell Followed)

Tara took a shower while Jax dealt with their problem.

"I'll be back," Jax called into the bathroom while she was washing her hair.

"Alright," Tara called.

She got out of the shower a few minutes later. She dried off, trying to keep her mind clear. She wrapped up in her blue terry cloth robe and started brushing her teeth. She killed Joshua. She saw herself in the mirror and stopped brushing. She had killed Joshua and then had sex with the gunman while his body laid on her floor. How could she do that? How could she have made the choice to go off track?

She threw her toothbrush down and ran to the toilet, hurling up the water she had had before she showered. She couldn't believe it was true, she had been a party to murder. She leaned back against the wall and her eyes landed on the partially mopped up blood on her linoleum. She would have to clean that. Bleach. Then replace the flooring in these too rooms, and paint the bedroom. She leaned over and threw up again, just as Jax came back in the house.

He walked over, kissed her forehead and got in the shower. She stayed on the floor while he showered.

He got dressed. "I got to go, Tara," he said. "Will you be alright?"

Tara nodded. "I'm going to clean, go to work, call someone for flooring, got any suggestions?"

"I'll make the call," Jax said. "Are you sure you should go in today?"

"No," Tara said shaking her head. "I could take a personal day."

"I think that's a good idea."

He leaned down and kissed her cheek before leaving. She heard the door close, and then she heard a bike pull up behind a car. She could hear Gemma and someone else outside.

"Ma, she's not in there, leave her alone," she heard Jax raise his voice to Gemma.

She definitely didn't have the strength to handle Gemma today. She stood up, pulled on some jeans and a long sleeved, blue knit top and left for the hospital when she heard everyone leave her driveway. She couldn't stay in that house alone all day. She would go crazy.

She made her rounds, nothing exciting for the day which was comforting, and ended with Abel. She did an exam, checking his development and to see if there were any indications for a neurological problem.

She saw Jax coming and wrapped him back up. When Jax walked in, he looked at Abel. "How's he doin?"

"Good. Strong willed little guy," she said before lowering her voice to talk to Abel.

"I thought you were going to take a personal day," Jax said taking in her rough appearance, hair in a sloppy ponytail, bags under her eyes.

Tara snorted. "I tried to, I had to get out of there, you know, its a light day."

"You ok?"

Tara looked at him and shook her head. "I don't know," she said before turning and getting some hand sanitizer. She leaned against the wall, rubbing the sanitizer into her hands. "What'd you do with him?"

Jax straightened from his position leaning against the wall, shaking his head. He started walking to her. "It's done."

He went and stood in the doorway next to Tara., back against the door jamb. She turned to him. "What did we do?"

He put his hands over his mouth, then covered his face. When he pulled them down, he shook his head.

He hasn't done this before, Tara thought. He's having a hard time with this too. That thought made her feel better.

"When Kohn showed up in Charming he knew this could only end up one of two ways," Jax said, his face showing how tired and upset he was. "Either him dead, or you dead. It ended the right way."

Tara let out a sigh and shook her head. "Maybe I came back here knowing the same thing," she said, finally telling him the truth of her return. "This was the only place I felt safe," she told him, trying not to cry.

"It was survival," Jax said. "You did what you had to do."

Tara nodded. "Is that how this works. You make up your own moral code for everything?" She asked taking a deep breath.

Jax looked hurt. "I never killed anyone like this before, Tara. I don't know what the code is," he said looking down, breaking eye contact.

"I'm sorry," Tara breathed out. She had hurt him. He had protected her and she had really hurt him with that statement.

"I've been waking up everyday since he was born with a sick feeling, wondering who was going to die today, and it scares the shit out of me. Then I woke up this morning and it was gone. I think that scares me more."

Tara stepped forward. "Hey," she said pulling on his cut. "You're in shock."

"I don't think anything could shock me anymore," Jax said not making eye contact.

Tara swallowed hard. She had to be there for him. "What do you want me to do? How can I help?"

Jax looked vulnerable. "Don't go anywhere."

"I'm not," Tara said as seriously as she could. They held eye contact as Jax processed that she was in it with him.

He sighed and dropped his head. "I need you to come to the clubhouse with me. Those medical supplies I needed, bullet wounds. Guy's got a bad infection, we're going to lose him."

Tara nodded. "I'll borrow some things."

Tara sent Jax back to the clubhouse and then went to the supply closet and grabbed gloves, gauze, antibiotics, IV equipment and syringes, among other things. She went to the doctors lounge and grabbed her bag and filled it with her supplies. She checked out at the nurses station and got in her car and headed over to the clubhouse.

The prospect was waiting outside for her. He led her into the clubhouse and Gemma crooked her finger at her.

Tara followed Gemma into the Chapel. She saw a lot of blood, a man laying on the table with a giant wound on the back of his leg and a Son with his hand stuck up in the wound.

"Oh my God," she said in disbelief.

"He took two slugs," Gemma told her. "We got one. The little Dutch boys keeping the blood dyke from bursting," she said as Tara moved into the room and started unpacking what she needed.

"Here's some vancomycin, this will kill anything," Tara said, taking out a bottle of pills and handing it to Gemma. "Give him two now and one every four hours."

Gemma opened the bottle and then started slapping the Irish man's cheek to wake him up. "Hey, you gotta wake up, hey, hey, wake up." When he roused, she put the pills in front of her face. "Here take these, Doc's here, she's going to fix you up, here you go."

"Ohhh," Cameron, the Irish man, said. "How's it look?"

"Look's like you got shot," Tara said, her gloves on and filling a syringe with more antibiotics to kill the infection.

"The doctor is a friend of the club," Gemma said to Cameron, giving Tara a pointed look. "You're in good hands," Gemma said as Tara poked the open wound with the needle.

"Ah," Cameron yelped before he groaned. "Are you Irish, Doc?"

"Half."

"Oh, the half that's a doctor?"

"I'm not sure," Tara replied moving around the blood covered table.

"You should find that out," Cameron said. "Its good to know."

Tara handed Gemma gloves and gauze, indicating she would need her help.

"Oh," Gemma said. "Where do you want me to put it?"

Tara raised her eyes to Gemma. Up your ass would be great, Tara thought.

"Careful," Gemma warned.

"Ok, I'm going to have a..." she wasn't sure who the guy with his hand up Cameron's ass was.

"Juice," he supplied.

"Juice, pull his finger out and I want you to shove that gauze into the wound and I'm going to close it off with this clamp, ok."

"You sure you know what you're doing?" Gemma challenged.

"Guess we'll find out," Tara accepted her challenge. "You ready, one...two...three," she said helping Juice remove his finger as blood spurted up. Tara quickly clamped the vein while Gemma pushed the gauze in.

"Holy shit," Juice said looking on. "Good job Doc. Can I go wash my hands now?"

"Yeah," Tara nodded while working. "Hey, you did great Juice. You helped, you helped save his life."

Juice's face lit up like a child's. "Thanks," he said proudly before leaving the room.

After the door closed, Gemma leaned over. "That was very sweet."

Tara wasn't sure if Gemma was serious.

"No, I mean it, that guy's not used to good feedback."

"Ok, I'm a little out of my element here," Tara said. "I'm not quite sure how all of this works."

"For now," Gemma said looking at Cameron. "You keep him alive. Beyond that, I got no idea how this works."

Tara and Gemma continued to work on Cameron, Tara carefully directing Gemma and Gemma politely following orders. Tara removed the other bullet, repaired the damage, cleaned the wound and closed the wound. She cleaned up the area, sterilizing the work space and medical tools while Chibs, Bobby and Juice moved Cameron onto a gurney that she was sure she did not want to know how they got. Gemma oversaw Cameron's move.

Jax came in just as Cameron was wheeled out of the Chapel. "How is he?"

"I got the slugs out and stopped the bleeding," Tara said moving closer to Jax. "If the penicillin kills the infection, he should make it."

Jax nodded. "How is she?" he asked looking at his mother.

Tara followed his gaze. "Ahh," Tara let out a breath. "Can't stop that bleeding. She still wants me dead, you know that right?" she said looking back at Jax.

Jax nodded, then shook his head, looking back at Gemma. "I'll handle my mother," he said. "I have to talk to the guys. Why don't you go change in my room and then come out and hang with us for the fight."

Tara nodded and headed back to the dorms. She changed into her jeans and tank top. After she was dressed, she looked around the room. It was basically the same as it had been eleven years before. Photos of them still in the mirror, food, desk, a few more amenities, like a microwave and mini fridge.

She sat down on the bed. Same, lumpy mattress.

Fight night. That meant scantily clad sweetbutts and crow eaters. Where did she fit in that picture? There would be lots of booze, lots of weed, lots of PDAs. She was nervous to head back into that life. Especially since she didn't know where she was headed.

She walked out of the room and into the lot. Jax nodded at her and she stopped and waited for him. He came up to her. "Hey, baby."

She smiled and leaned into him as he put his arm around her shoulder and they walked forward. They sat on a picnic table and watched club members beat each other up in the ring.

Tara and Jax went back to his room, both still exhausted from the previous nights activities. Jax handed her a Tshirt and she went to the bathroom to change. She stared at herself in the mirror, wearing a Sons of Anarchy Tshirt. She had come full circle. She left eleven years ago, fought to change herself into a normal person, became a doctor and here she was, sleeping at the clubhouse, wearing a Sons on Anarchy Tshirt. She felt like she was in the Twilight Zone.

She walked out tentatively. Jax was laying in bed, biting his nails. When she walked out, she put his hand down and smiled. "That's a good look for you," he said.

"I think," she said blushing. She walked over to the bed and Jax scooted over and reached his hand out. She took his hand and pulled the covers back with her other hand. She climbed under his covers, burying her face in his neck, wrapping her arms around his body. She felt his arms encircle her and she felt completely safe, completely at ease.

He rubbed her arm, she opened her eyes and played with his chain. He turned to look at her.

"Are we crazy?" she asked.

He looked playful and thoughtful while he rubbed her arm. "Can I answer that later?"

She nodded and leaned in to kiss him, then let him take control.

The next morning, Jax leaned in to kiss her good bye. He was dressed, with his cut no where in sight.

"Make yourself comfortable," Jax said.

Tara nodded and waited for Jax to leave the room before getting up and getting dressed. She walked down the hall way and felt a sense of deja vu when she found men and women passed out all over the clubhouse. She walked into the kitchen and reached for a coffee cup when Gemma startled her.

"Good morning," Gemma greeted.

Tara felt like she had done the walk of shame.

"Good morning," she replied.

"Thanks for saving the Irish man," Gemma said. "He'd be dead if it wasn't for you."

"You're welcome," Tara said, fixing her coffee.

She heard Gemma get up and walk over to her. "Can I ask you a question?" she asked.

"I'm tired," Tara said. "I'm not really up for a fight."

"Oh, no fight, just trying to figure out what's going on. You and Jax are obviously reconnected."

"Honestly, I don't know what we are," Tara interruped, turning to Gemma.

"That's what concerns me," Gemma said looking to the clubhouse. "You're clearly not one of them."

Tara followed her gaze. "Glad that's clear."

"So what happens next?"

Tara took in a deep breath and shook her head. "I don't know."

"You become his old lady? What does that look like? Operating on kids during the day, patching up bullet wounds at night."

"Ok, I get it," Tara said, putting her coffee down and turning to walk away.

"I know you hate me," Gemma baited. "But this isn't me, being some overbearing bitch. This is someone telling you the truth. You and Jax is a bad idea. And someone better start thinking clearly before both of you get hurt."

That got to her. She nodded, holding back tears, but failing and turned to lean on a stool. "Well, it wouldn't be my first bad idea. Shit seems to follow me where ever I go."

"You know," Gemma said leaning in. "You are smarter and more strong willed than anyone I've ever met," Gemma said. Tara shook her head before looking at Gemma. "We need to shine some of that on this thing with Jax. He's no smart enough right now to do whats right. YOU have to be the one to break this off. Save both of you from something bad."

Tara couldn't believe what she was hearing. Did Gemma really hate her so much that she did not want Jax to date her?

Gemma turned to leave and Tara let more tears fall.

Tara went up onto the roof, she knew that was Jax's hideout, but that Jax was gone, on some mission that she was sure she wanted no knowledge of.

She saw Donna pull up and start to walk into the clubhouse. She whistled and Donna looked up. Tara waved and Donna smiled at her before waving back.

Tara sat back down and Donna climbed the ladder up to her.

"Lots of activity at your house a couple of days ago," Donna said. "Then, you were MIA."

"Jax and I seem to have reconnected," Tara said.

Donna smiled, then suppressed that smile. "Why is that a bad thing?"

"Gemma wants me to end it."

"Ugh," Donna said shaking her head. "That woman is infuriating," Donna touched Tara's leg. "Listen, not that Ope and I were gossiping, but well, we were."

"What?"

"He said Jax is happier than he has been in years," Donna said. "Eleven to be specific."

Tara blushed. "But do I really want to cross the Queen?"

"You've kept that heat off me," Donna offered. "Why weren't you home last night?"

"Spent the night here," Tara said with a sheepish grin.

Donna laughed. "Been a long time since either of us stayed at the clubhouse."

Tara nodded. "Fight night."

"Wooey," Donna said. "Trial by fire. Can't believe your first night back at the clubhouse was fight night. Did you get any sleep?"

"Well, we had a pretty weird night the night before last, so we turned in early last night."

Donna nudged her.

They sat silently watching the activity at the shop.

Jax, Opie and Bobby pulled up and got out of an old car. Donna looked at Tara as she watched Jax walk into the shop to talk to Clay.

"You love him," Donna said.

"It's complicated."

"You love him," Donna said.

"I don't know."

"Yeah," Donna said. "You do know. My guess is that you have always loved him and have never even come close to loving anyone else."

"Jax killed Joshua night before last, after I shot Joshua."

"What?!" Donna said standing up.

"Oh, my God, that felt good," Tara said.

"What?!"

"Sit down, I'll fill in some blanks."

Donna sat, staring at Tara stunned.

"Jax needed something from my house and met me at home to get it," Tara started. "I stayed after he left and Joshua was hiding out in my house. He tackled me and hit me, threw me against a wall and tried to rape me. I got a hold of his gun and shot him, then called Jax. Jax came over and when Joshua started screaming that I was a biker slut, he shot him."

"Ok," Donna said putting an arm around Tara. "Well, at least its over. That's why you stayed at the clubhouse last night."

"That and Jax and I have rekindled our physical relationship."

"Is that a good thing?"

"Gemma wants me to end it, remember?"

Donna nodded.

"What do I do about Gemma?"

Donna thought for a minute. "Tell Jax, its about all you can do."

Tara nodded and the old friends sat quietly on the roof until they were spotted by Jax.

"Do you love him?" Donna asked. As Tara opened her mouth, Donna stopped her. "It's complicated."