The last chapter was a bit of a mess. I only realized after a day that Fanfiction decided to delete all the "..." from my chapter, so it wasn't clear which parts needed to be together and apart. I checked it, so you could go back and read again if you want. It might make more sense now. Apologies.
Happy reading!
The argument doesn't start off very promising.
Maura feels the unreasonable feeling of jealousy return when she faces her wife in the hallway downstairs, standing opposite each other as if they're in a boxing ring.
"Jonas knows more about how you're feeling than I do. Why do you immediately open up to him? You talk to everyone but me. I'm your wife."
The brunette doesn't respond, although Maura sees that she really wants to.
"You promised me!" she cries out, unable to hold back. "You manipulated me into taking Jonas in, with your sudden display of affection and love towards me. You knew I'd fall for that."
But Jane has already approached her, a dangerous look in her eyes. Maura doesn't take a step back, determined to show that she's not afraid. She will not back away. Not anymore.
"I didn't manipulate you," the brunette's voice is sharp. She points a steady finger at Maura. "I didn't. You take that back. You wanted him here just as much as I did."
The blonde holds up her hands in defense. "Okay. Okay. I'm sorry."
Jane seems satisfied, and turns around again, ready to make her way over to the living room. An unfinished conversation, just like many others during these past few weeks. Maura won't have it anymore, and she presses.
"I just want to know why you're not acting like yourself at all. I barely recognize you anymore. Whatever happened in there-"
The brunette whirls around. "You know nothing!"
"Tell me then, Jane! I know nothing because you haven't told me anything at all, except that Ryleigh died and you were almost killed! I know nothing because you haven't told me anything!"
Jane is silent, taking a deep breath to get her emotions under control. "Because I don't want to tell you anything," she mutters. "I don't want you to lie awake at night, thinking about the things I'm thinking of now. Seeing Ryleigh's face in your dreams nearly every night, with piercing eyes that seem to look straight through you. Wondering if there was anything you could've done to help her, instead of get her killed. Even though I know, rationally, that it wasn't my fault."
The last part is a little shaky, and Maura had to hold herself back from pulling her wife into a hug. This is the first time they're really talking, and she knows that the conversation will be over if she hugs the brunette, because at least one of them will start crying. "I don't want you to feel the terror that comes when someone points a gun at you and you know they won't hesitate to shoot you. I don't want you to go through that."
"I understand that you don't want me to feel like that," Maura replies. "But you're my wife, and I need to know these things so I can help you deal with them. You can't keep avoiding me."
"Sure I can," the brunette counters stubbornly. When the blonde doesn't immediately respond, Jane takes the time to look at her wife. Really look at her.
Maura looks tired and defeated. There are dark circles under her eyes, like she hasn't been sleeping. Jane hasn't been either. How come she hasn't noticed how worn out her wife looks? Maybe because she has avoided any kind of eye contact that lasted longer than two seconds. The brunette rubs her knuckles, waiting for a response from Maura.
The blonde sighs. She's absolutely exhausted. The last couple of nights have been terrible, she was either unable to fall asleep or waking up from her own nightmares. When she slipped out of bed, Jane either would either sleep right through it, or would have already gone downstairs to sleep on the couch. Mornings where they would wake up next to each other, both still in the same bed they fell asleep in, have become rare.
And Maura is tired of constantly giving and giving and giving, never receiving. She's tired of fighting for Jane every single day when all the brunette does is pull away.
She turns away towards the door, but hesitates for a second. Turning back to face her wife, she sets her face into something that she hopes looks like fury. It seems to work, judging by the look on Jane's face.
"Why are you so distant?" the blonde asks, raising her voice. "Why can't I comfort my own wife? Why are you ….-" she catches herself in time, but it's too late.
"Say it," Jane snarls. She doesn't care anymore. Everything hurts.
"You're selfish!" Maura yells. "I'm only trying to help you. And all you want to do is drown in your own emotions. Fine, Jane. If that's what you really want. You don't need me for that." She turns away again, and the meaning of her words sink in when she's already halfway to the door.
Jane is terrified when she realizes.
"Maura, no!" she nearly runs towards her wife, grabbing her wrist when she gets close enough. "Maura. Don't leave."
When the blonde turns around, Jane sees that she's crying. This is what she does to people. She hurts them. The attitude she had a second ago is long gone, and the brunette herself has to hold back her tears at the sight of Maura crying.
"Why, Jane?" Maura asks again, her voice laced with tears. "Why should I stay? What do you need me for?"
The brunette cannot find the words to reply. The blonde turns away again.
"No!" Jane's cry is heartbreaking. "I'm sorry. Please. Don't go."
Maura turns back, but doesn't say anything just yet.
Let Jane realize what's happening. Good.
Let Jane fight for her. Even better.
"What do you need?" the brunette asks desperately. Her voice is shaking, and she wipes a tear from her cheek. "What?"
"Let me in, Jane," the blonde pleads. "Just let me in."
"Okay, Maura, anything, please don't go."
The blonde has to admit she's surprised at her wife's reaction. She hadn't intended on leaving for good, of course, but she just needed to get away from this. Even if it was just for the night. She could crash at Frost's place, or at Frankie's, maybe. He would understand.
She looks up at the brunette, and Jane's eyes are filled with fear, terrified of her next move.
Maura removes her hand from the door knob and steps even closer to Jane, who tries very hard to stay still and not pull away.
"I want to have you back, Jay," Maura mumbles. She's past angry now, and all the emotions from the past couple of weeks suddenly weigh down on her. "I want my wife back. You have to let me see all of you. You have to-"
But she doesn't get any further. Strong, but gentle arms wrap around her and pull her close.
It's the first real contact they've had in weeks.
..
..
Jane is gentle with her. Careful, almost.
She leads the blonde upstairs, holding her hand the entire time. As if she's afraid Maura will change her mind and walk away.
The first kiss on her cheek is barely noticeable. When the brunette waits for a second, and Maura doesn't pull away, she presses another kiss to her cheek and moves lower. Jane's lips cover Maura's jaw, her chin, and eventually catch her bottom lip. Ever so slowly.
It's almost too much. After weeks of not touching, no loving looks and no kisses, Maura feels herself unraveling at the slightest touch. It isn't until she feels Jane stiffen that she realizes the brunette has pulled away, looking at her with a lingering fear in her eyes.
"Maur?" Her nickname. "Are you leaving me?"
The blonde holds her wife's gaze, testing her. Trying to figure out if her behavior in the hallway downstairs has had enough impact on Jane to really keep her promise.
"I'm not."
Jane buries her head in blonde curls and wraps her arms around her waist protectively. Maura slides her hands up Jane's back, until she finally rests them on the back of the brunette's neck, squeezing softly and reassuringly. Trying to convey the thought that they will be okay. In time.
She eventually moves her hands from Jane's neck to her waist, trying to figure out if her wife's ribs were always so prominent.
"You're skinnier than I remember," she mumbles.
The reply is immediate and honest. "I haven't been eating."
Maura doesn't respond anymore. The feeling of Jane's arms around her and the lips on her neck is heavenly. Eventually, Jane's hands make their way into her curls and pulls her head closer to her chest. The brunette's heartbeat is quick against Maura's ear.
"I really hate you, Jane. I hate you so much," Maura mumbles.
The brunette's grip tightens.
"I know this cannot be fixed in one night," Jane replies, her voice thick with tears. "But I want to fix this. Even if it means losing you for a little bit."
The blonde immediately knows what her wife means. Jane thinks Maura wants to leave for a while, to give the both of them some time to make up their mind. The blonde's heart speeds up a little too at the thought of leaving Jane behind. Even after all of this.
"I still love you."
She doesn't care how contradictory she sounds. She feels conflicted, too.
"Me too, Maura."
The honesty in Jane's voice. Where has that been the past couple of weeks? The blonde pulls back before leaning in enough for their lips to brush against each other, but she doesn't kiss her wife just yet. She's not sure she can.
But then Jane pulls her in, and Maura is lost.
..
..
"Does it still hurt?"
It's morning. Jonas is still asleep and Maura is sitting on the edge of their bed, watching as her wife pulls her sleeping shirt over her head, leaving her in just her boy shorts. The scar on Jane's abdomen stands out, a white, round imprint of a bullet. Maura still feels a little panicky when she looks at it.
"Sometimes. Not as bad as before," Jane replies, turning to face the blonde. She studies her wife's face. "Just ask, Maura."
"Can I touch it? Please?"
The brunette is already nodding before Maura can finish her sentence. The blonde gets up from the bed and puts her pointer finger on Jane's scar, noticing how her wife shivers slightly. She presses a kiss to her wife's cheek before pulling away again, not failing to notice how the brunette reaches out slightly for her to stay.
"Sorry." The immediate apology from the brunette follows. "I didn't ..."
Jane reaches for her sweatshirt that's hanging over the chair before quickly pulling it over her head. She thinks back of last night, when they'd all but fallen into bed together. They hadn't made love, but there was a need for closeness. The brunette held Maura as she cried, all the bottled up emotions making their way out in the form of many tears.
She is pulled from her thoughts when Maura puts her hands on Jane's hips. The brunette immediately mimics the motion, pulling Maura closer.
The blonde breaks the silence. "How do you do that?"
Jane frowns, her arms tightening around her wife's waist. "What?"
"When you look at me now, I can clearly see everything you're feeling," Maura explains. "How did you manage to keep that from me earlier? I would look at your eyes and see nothing."
Jane shrugs in reply. "I don't really know," she says honestly. "Just push all my feelings away. Think of a blank piece of paper and push everything away. It was so hard, Maura, you have to understand that."
"Why'd you do it?"
The brunette sighs. There's a massive urge to pull away, but she's terrified of Maura walking out on her. So she tries.
"If I could make myself feel nothing when I looked at you, I hoped I could trick myself into thinking I wasn't hurting. That you weren't hurting."
Maura waits for more.
"Loving you is the strongest feeling I've ever felt," Jane continues. "It overrules everything else I'm feeling. I don't want you to worry, so I don't talk about my negative feelings to prevent you from worrying. I don't want you to be hurting, so I keep my grief away from you."
Maura is shaking her head, and Jane falls silent.
"You're so ... stupid."
Jane lets go of her wife and steps back, a flash of pain crossing her face.
"No," Maura holds out her hands. "I don't mean it like that. It's just that ... you're making it so difficult for yourself. I worry, Jane. No matter how much you keep away from me. Actually, I worry more when you don't talk to me. Because I don't know what you're feeling."
Jane takes her wife's outstretched hands, but remains quiet.
"It hurts me to see you in pain. It hurts me even more when I can't do anything about it. You have to let me help you."
The brunette bites her lip. "I don't ... I don't know if I can. Don't get me wrong," she immediately adds, her grip on Maura's hands tightening. "It's just- You know I'm not like that."
Maura cannot quite figure out what her wife means. It must show on her face, because Jane continues talking.
"I'm a Rizzoli," she says, like that explains everything. "I don't want help."
"Too bad," Maura counters. "I'm a doctor. I help people."
"Dead ones, yeah," Jane mocks playfully, but the look in her eyes is questioning.
Maura understands. "Yes, you can be yourself and joke around," she replies. "There's nothing else I want more than that. But I haven't forgiven you."
"Okay." The reply is soft and a little sad. "Can I go wake Jonas now?"
She's asking for permission to leave, and Maura loves her for it.
"Yes. Of course."
..
..
"Wanna go to the store with me?" Jane says, lifting Jonas up in the air. The brunette has brushed his teeth with a spare toothbrush and put his old clothes back on. They're now in the kitchen, where Maura is making breakfast. "I think you need a couple of new clothes."
"I don't like stores," Jonas replies when his feet touch the floor again. "Do we really need to go?"
Jane grins at Maura. "See? I'm not the only one." She focuses on Jonas again. "If you don't want to go, we can stay here. But no new clothes for you then. And I was thinking about buying that new movie, but ... Oh well." She turns away, and throws another smile at Maura.
"Wait!" Jonas says. "What movie?"
"I got you there." The brunette tickles his side and Jonas squirms, trying to get out of her grip. "Maura! Help!"
The blonde shakes her head, smiling. "Jay. Let him breathe, will you."
The brunette turns around and lets Jonas go with an incredulous look in her eyes. "You!" she says to Maura. "Choosing a boy over your wife." When she finishes the sentence, she realizes that this is a sensitive topic. "Too soon?" she questions, studying Maura's face.
Maura leaves the towel on the breakfast bar and steps closer, pressing a short kiss to the brunette's lips. Just because she can. Because Jane doesn't pull away anymore.
"A little," she replies. "But I'm fine."
Jonas is looking at them curiously. Jane knows what he's going to ask before he does it.
"Are you girlfriends?"
The brunette takes Maura's hand. "We are. You know what that means?"
"Yes," he says wisely. "It's the same as a girl and a boy together. But you're both girls."
"You're right," Jane replies. The blonde cannot find her voice. "You also know what this means?" She holds up her hand, showing her ring.
"You're married!" He smiles, but looks at Maura curiously before his eyes settle on Jane again. "Are you in love with Maura then?"
Jane gently nudges Maura's side, urging her to look at her. The blonde is once again caught off guard by the absolute love she sees shining in Jane's eyes.
"Yes," the brunette replies, and it takes a second for Maura to figure out that she's answering Jonas' question. "I love her so much."
The moment of silence is interrupted by Jane's phone.
The brunette lets go of her wife's hand and turns, looking for her phone. Maura points at the table, and Jonas grabs it.
"Frost! He is the detective!"
Jane is reminded of him saying the same thing in the hospital, ages ago. Jonas' pronunciation of the word 'detective' still hasn't changed.
"He is, bud. Can I have my phone?"
Maura looks at her wife, surprised how easily the nickname for Jonas slips out. But the brunette is already answering her phone.
"Tell me, Frost."
"Good morning to you too, Jane."
The brunette huffs, rolling her eyes at Jonas and pretending to yawn. He laughs.
"I spoke to Ashley from Child Protection," Frost says. "You have a week to decide if you really want this. No matter what you and Maura choose, you have a conversation scheduled next Friday with Ashley and Jonas' actual foster parents to talk about this situation."
"Mm," Jane replies to show him she's still listening. "I'll call them soon. See what they think of it."
"If you decide you want to adopt him," Frost continues, "you'll have all kinds of forms to fill in and arrangements to make. They're going to look at your living situation and the stability of your relationship, job, and so on."
The brunette looks at her wife, who ruffles Jonas' hair while he watches her cook.
"A week, Jane," Frost repeats. "You have to decide and possibly arrange things before next Friday."
"Okay," Jane replies. She smiles when Jonas tries to give Maura a high five.
"We will."
..
..
I hope you like Jane a bit more after this. Or is she still an asshole?
Jamaican, RavenSkyAngel, Vbbneighbor, tansikat, sweetkid45, Tingtorn78, txsgurl621, Akalittlered2, Janeandmaura05: Thank you! I love you guys so much. Thanks for sharing your feelings and thoughts about the chapters with me. Let me know what you think!