Its Eyes Were Jewels

Chapter 11

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As way of disclaimer, I own none of Anne McCaffrey's characters nor do I own her world (though I sometimes wish I did), I'm simply borrowing them for the time being.

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Hugging the beast for a very long moment, praising him in her mind, Elrenia was relieved to have her belongings back. But it wasn't just that, she realized as Koth wiggled his nose against her stomach and pulled away. It wasn't about her things being returned, it was about the slowing of her pulse. Her hands were no longer shaking. She wasn't standing hunched over quite so much. She felt safe, at least more so than she had a few moments ago. The blue dragon succeeded in doing what a Weyrwoman couldn't. He did what a healer and a rider couldn't do. His presence, the soft tone he used as he spoke to her, the gentle blue and purple whirling of his eyes made her feel safer than she had since her brother's death nearly two seasons before.

Small one, are you better?

Smiling gently, Elrenia nodded her head. "Yes, I am." She couldn't resist reaching forward to scratch the blue's eyeridge again, enjoying the way Koth's innermost eyelid slipped closed in pleasure. "I wish I knew how to thank you."

Do not be afraid of me.

"Koth?"

To thank me you must not be afraid.

"I…" she was afraid she misunderstood what she was being told, but nodded her head in agreement. "O-Okay. I… I won't be afraid of you."

You won't be?

"I promise that I won't be. I don't know if you dragons understand what a promise is but… but I give you my word Koth."

This was enough for the dragon, and he let out a contented puff of warm air that ruffled the hair falling disobediently from Elrenia's braid. She wished for one of her ribbons to tie it up with properly, knowing the thong Gareva used to bind the thin end would not be strong enough, but sighed sadly in recognition that wishing wouldn't bring them back from char. She'd find a good way to go about tending her hair in time. Until then she was going to change and sleep.

She desperately needed sleep.

Go, small one.

She looked up at the blue swirling gems, and tried to smile, a task that was suspiciously easy considering the fear, anger, and sadness of the past few days. "Sleep well, Koth," she breathed, moving back toward the inner room, only to pause and turn in order to watch the creature leap and fly from the ledge. She rushed forward and watched the way his massive wings pumped, skin shining in the dim light from the moon as he disappeared from view. They really are magnificent, she thought.

Dragons were so beautiful to her. Huge but remarkably gentle. They clearly had the strength and mass to back up anything they wanted to do, but she only rarely heard stories of dragons doing bad things, and most of what she heard she didn't even believe. Their riders were a totally different story, of course, but for the most part she thought dragons were perfect beings. They could sense the nature of a person, as she understood it. That was how they decided who they liked. Their memories were short so that, as seemed to be the case with Koth, they maintained the innocence of a child.

She wished sincerely that she still had the innocence of a child, and laughed mirthlessly at the thought of it. She'd been losing that very quality for years, the final straw having broken just a few days prior to her standing at the foot of her new bed. Temporary bed. Everything was temporary all of a sudden. Where she used to have a home, responsibilities, routines, and family she had nothing. It was a bitter root to swallow, but did not prevent her from stripping from H'val's wherhide jacket, Keral's now sweat stained tunic, and Rilow's quickly adjusted pants.

Even alone in the room she was ashamed to be naked, so afraid of spying herself in the looking glass across the room that she wouldn't so much as turn her back to the cold draft. She picked up the small square of white fabric that was her nightgown and walked carefully into the bathing chamber, dipping her hands into the naturally warmed water to swipe sweat from her body so as to avoid soiling the garment she would soon be donning. Refusing to look at her reflection in the water, feeling decidedly self conscious and distressingly vulnerable, she unwrapped her bandages and washed away the day's filth. She felt as though every person in the Weyr could see her through the walls. Imagined them looking at the telling bruises on her legs and waist. She could feel their judgment even as she carefully used a half folded towel, tossed carelessly in a corner, to dry herself before she unfolded Gareva's nightgown to slip over her head.

And then she looked at herself in the water's wavering reflection. Her dark hair fell down in tangles beside her cheeks, shining an odd sort of black in the dim light from the glowbasket in the corner of the room. She hated the color, nothing like the beautiful dragon-brown of her eldest sister and brother, or the black of between that sat atop her two other sisters' and dead brother's heads. She was something between the lot of them, and held none of their charm. Her skin was too dark to be delicate, having ruined the pure pale of a proper woman with many days out in the fields. Her eyes were too gray to be the beautiful Harper blue that her father once possessed, too blue to be the luscious sterling of her mother. She was too tall to be so thin, too thin to have the proper assets of a woman, and still too feminine to be a man. Nothing about her was right, and as her teeth sunk into her lower lip she kicked her reflection viciously, refusing to look at it any longer.

She stormed from the room, straight past the bed on aching feet until she was standing at the ledge of the junior queens weyr, staring off across the bowl. Everyone had clearly settled down for the night, content in their lives and positions while she was restless with turmoil. She hated herself. Hated men for taking what they didn't deserve. Hated women for allowing them to do so. Hated dragons for not helping. Hated dragonriders for being untouchable. Hated the Weyr for pretending to care. Hated the Holders for not caring enough to pretend. And for one agonizingly horrible moment, toes curling over the ledge as a gust of wind pushed her hair firmly from her face and the skirt of her gown billowed behind her, she sincerely considered ending it all.

Small one? The voice stilled her mind. Calmed her, soothed her, and prevented hastily made decisions. She gazed across the bowl where she imagined the blue dragon was settled on his couch, trying to sleep but watching out for her in spite of her lowly status. Small one, you are upset.

"I'm fine," she spoke to the wind. "Just… thinking."

Well, do not think like that. H'val will be sad if you do. H'val is amazing. He should not be sad.

"All right, Koth," she assured halfheartedly. She knew that these weren't thoughts she should be entertaining. She had a mission she needed to see through to the end, no matter how bumpy the road was. There was no delusion about an easy life from thereon out. Little hope that things would work out well in any way. And still she was amazed that the creature could hear her from so far away. Shocked that he cared to watch out for her when he probably should have been fast asleep. "I won't think like that anymore."

You should sleep, small one.

"I will," she promised, even though she wasn't sure that she could. She stood for a moment longer, staring across the bowl with a sort of desire before stepping back from the ledge to demonstrate her sincerity to a creature that wasn't even there. She wouldn't do anything drastic so long as he was in her head. "I'm going to bed right now."

Sleep, small one. You are exhausted.

This fact, because it was indeed the truest sort of statement, didn't just apply to Elrenia's body. Her mind, her heart, her soul… all of her was exhausted. She wanted to flit between long enough to recuperate, but didn't dare contemplate the idea long enough for Koth to catch wind of it again. Apparently he'd deigned himself her guardian, and she didn't want the blue dragon to be tired in the morning because of her. He was far too good for that. Too good to care for the likes of her. Too many things… things she didn't deserve.

She was no one special. She had no exceptional talent to draw a dragon, but she did. For some reason while the creature was still in the air, going wherever he'd intended to go earlier that day, he was drawn to her. Whether it was her turmoil, or the strength of her thoughts, he chose to speak to this completely forgettable girl. He seemed to make the conscious choice to continue this contact even after he 'saved' her. She had absolutely no way to explain his interest in her. She had no talents that could be useful to him, no innocence to draw him to her. She had nothing.

She was nothing.

She had no exceptional beauty to draw a man, but somehow she succeeded in this as well, and the thought of it sent her mind reeling again. "Why me?" she whispered as she lowered herself to the bed. "Of all the beautiful women in the world, why did you choose me?" Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes, but she did not grant them release as she eased aching limbs under the blankets and heavy fur spread across the bed. "I don't understand." She hated to wish such degradation, such cruelty on anyone, but sincerely failed to understand his motivations. She understood his attack, to an extent. It was as simple as being tired of her refusal, and though she didn't accept it as an excuse, it explained his actions she supposed. She just didn't understand why a potential Holder would waste his time on the mannish daughter from a Cothold down the river.

For a long while she just laid in bed trying to refrain from considering such things, but nothing could control the insidious thoughts. Perhaps she could have fought them harder. Maybe she was allowing herself to dwell, subconsciously, as a sort of punishment for things that were so clearly her fault. Horrible things done because of her and no matter how she may have wished for relief, her guilt prevented her from forgetting. The thoughts followed her into deep sleep, poisoning her mind with visions of fire and thread fall. If she had to choose to stand in the burning Hold or be eaten alive – which would she pick? She imagined bodies destroyed by the carnivorous strands, blood soaking the ground, feeding the char that was feeding the flames that were destroying everything.

She awoke once to the feel of flames licking their way up her legs, catching and spreading even quicker up her tunic, setting her hair ablaze until she smelled nothing but flesh, hair, and smoke. Too tired to do more than stare at the ceiling for one horrified moment, initially unaware that there wasn't actually any fire, she simply rolled over and fell back to sleep. Waking again with a cry on her lips and the imagined agony of thread wrapping about her torso to eat its way clean through her. Z'den said it only took the organism a few seconds to devour a body, but her imagination drew those seconds out to an eternity. The cruelty of her own mind frightened her, but the exhaustion of her body kept her from any measures she could have taken toward comfort.

A more permanent waking occurred upon gentle pressure in her head, and the repetitive questioning, Small one, what is wrong? She found the question to be one of the oddest things she'd ever been asked, because what could have possibly been perceived as wrong if she was sleeping? Raising her hand to swipe at whatever cousin, aunt, or uncle was bothering her, she found nothing but air and giving up immediately thereafter. She was too tired, and it was too early to be awake. She didn't have chores yet. Couldn't have chores yet. There was just no way she'd slept a full night and was still so tired. Small one? But obviously she'd slept later than intended or they wouldn't be bothering her. They may have expected an awful lot from her, but at least they were courteous most of the time. Small one?

"What?" she whined, wanting to roll over and return to sleep once more. But as one hand slipped beneath her cheek to act as a cushion she found that she was sweating. Lifting her head to investigate left her disturbed by the near glistening of her skin. A nightmare, she thought, reached up to run a hand through her hair only to find it caught on a braid. I never braid my hair. And suddenly she remembered where she was, in a junior queen weyr at Benden, sleeping on a bed that wasn't hers, being spoken to by a dragon.

Small one?

There was the sound of something hitting the ledge of the weyr, and Elrenia sat straight up in bed, grabbing and holding her blanket over her chest at the sound of footsteps. She knew it would only offer superficial protection at the very most, but couldn't help herself. The thought that someone was there, in her room, without any warning or permission frightened her. It quickened her pulse and made the nightmare sweat begin anew. She feared her heart would pound out of her chest before the footsteps slowed, and a tentative voice called out, "Elrenia?"

"H-H'val?"

"You all right?" the boy sounded tired, yawning rather loudly as he stood in place in the outer weyr. "Can I come in?"

She wanted to say no, but the almost pleading, Small one? made her sigh and reconsider. She wished Koth didn't care for her. She wished that H'val would leave if she didn't speak to him further. She wished that the Weyr would fade away, and she'd find herself waking from a horrible nightmare in her bedroom back in Levic, with colored glass hanging from ribbon in the window, and the eldest of her younger cousins strewn haphazardly across the bed beside her. Surely it was a wish that would never go away, no matter how loudly she begged for it to.

"Elrenia?"

The girl shook her head, and turned her head toward the heavy curtain as she asked, "What are you doing here, H'val?"

He took that as permission to enter the little sleeping cove, though he stayed mostly behind the curtain, just peeking in at the girl. She wondered how anyone could be so bold, but didn't get upset. This was his home, not hers. He had the right to do whatever he wished, and she could only be grateful that so far he seemed to be an honorable man. One who looked comfortable enough until he saw her face, and then he suddenly seemed nervous, uncomfortable with her embarrassment. And really, what had she to be embarrassed about? She was dressed, and had the added protection of the thick blanket to hide the legs bared by the gown that had ridden up in the dark of the night. It was the inappropriateness of the whole thing that bothered her. A man in a woman's room…

She readjusted her grip on the blanket, crossing her arms over her chest as she asked, "Well?"

"I…" He shook his head, keeping her gaze trained on the girl's eyes. "Koth said something was wrong with you, so I came to check."

"Wrong?" She looked to the wall, knowing the blue dragon was just beyond it. "Nothing's wrong with me, H'val. I was just asleep. What exactly did Koth… what did he… say?"

"He said you were crying," the man said quietly, slipping just slightly closer to the bed. "He said you were in pain, and frightened. Your mind was crying. Are you all right? Is it your feet?"

"I…" She wasn't sure what to say, and absently brushed some sweat slicked hair from her face. Sweat. "I… may have been having a nightmare," she explained shamefacedly. And then, in quiet assurance she said, "My feet are fine. I…"

"A nightmare?"

"Yes."

"Do you often have nightmares strong enough to wake dragons?" Elrenia wasn't sure if the man was teasing her or not, and didn't have the courage to look up to his face to find out. She just sat there, still clutching her blanket to her chest. She didn't even look up, though she flinched violently when H'val sighed and marched over to her bedside, sinking down beside her tiredly. "You know you don't have to be afraid of me, Elrenia."

"Yes, H'val."

"Why do you say my name like it's a title?"

This drew Elrenia's eyes because it almost sounded like the young man was complaining. She figured he would have been pleased with the show of respect, but his face was clouded with a confused sort of frustration. "I-it is a title," she explained quietly. "It… it's your name. How… how do you want me to address you, Blue Rider?"

"See!" H'val made the single word sound like an accusation, and the girl pulled back and away from his pointing finger. "That's what I mean. My name isn't a title, it's just a name. And… and don't call me 'Blue Rider'."

"But… you are."

"I know I am," the young man stressed, running both hands through his hair as he took a deep breath. It struck Elrenia as one who was trying to keep his composure in front of a baiting child, except she wasn't actually trying to bother him. "But… when you say it… it sounds like a bad thing. Like… like…"

"I don't mean to insult you, H'val."

"There."

"H'val?"

"Now you're saying it like a name."

"I… don't understand."

"Now you're talking to me like I'm a person."

Elrenia stared in confusion, but for once her eyes were trained on his face. He looked so young sitting there, slumped over at the shoulders with eyes half squinted to peer at her in the dark. It occurred to her that the angry thought about him only being seventeen or eighteen turns couldn't have been so far off the mark. He looked as though he was a little boy trying to stay up late to listen in on his parents talking, trying desperately to prove that he was an adult even as his body wanted to betray him.

"Perhaps you should sleep…"

"I know what it's like."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm not Weyrbred, you know." H'val's shoulders slumped further, dejected now and Elrenia's grip on her blanket loosened in puzzled awe. She had no clue dragonriders were capable of looking vulnerable, but here the young man was, appearing to have been kicked while he was down. "I grew up at a stable near Fort Hold. When I got taken to the Weyr on search… I didn't know which way was up. It's different for us commoners." His shoulders didn't move from their stoop, but the boy looked toward the girls face for a moment. "We're no better than you are, Elrenia."

Smiling sadly at the boy, she found just enough courage to reach out and touch his arm. Only you are better than me… It was sweet of him to try to cheer her up, to make an attempt at solving her problem, but she couldn't express her fears to the boy. Z'den, an older man, weathered with experience and seemingly unapproachable because of it had been shocked and outraged by her few comments about the subject earlier. She couldn't begin to imagine how the young stable boy would react if he knew that she feared the more primal side of him.

"I'll keep that in mind, H'val."

"Not even Lessa is!" he said briskly. "You have to respect the people who deserve respect, but… but you don't have to take crackdust and shells from anyone!" There was fierceness about the boy that overrode the exhaustion in his tone, and made the brunette smile. He was staring at her determinedly, as though he could force her to understand and believe him through sheer force of will.

He's a good kid, Elrenia couldn't help thinking.

H'val is amazing, came Koth's smug agreement. He's the best rider ever!

"Elrenia?"

"Yes?"

"You… you're smiling all of a sudden."

Blushing brightly the girl looked down at her lap, wrapping her fists once more in the blanket as she explained, "Koth is… very fond of you."

"I'm fond of him."

"Very fond."

"Koth!" he bellowed laughingly. "Stop embarrassing the poor girl, will you?"

I am embarrassing you?

"He isn't embarrassing me, H'val."

"Oh?"

"Don't 'oh' me!" she laughed at his raised eyebrow and pursed lips. "He isn't!"

"Then why are you blushing?"

Elrenia didn't know what to say, and so she laughed in response to the young man's question. Her mirth sent the boy into a fit of giggles at which she laughed harder, and before long the two were doubled over with tears in their eyes, highly amused for no clear reason but enjoying every second of it. After a moment or so the boy stood and extended a hand to Elrenia, an offer which she took only to find herself pulled from the bed before she ever knew what was happening.

Immediately the amusement was gone, replaced by a blind terror that had her ripping away and tumbling clumsily to the bed as H'val raised both hands in surrender. "What did I do?" he asked, apologetic and concerned. "Did I hurt you? Is it your feet? Are they hurting?"

Small one? Elrenia didn't know what to do immediately. She wanted to demand that the young man leave, but couldn't stop her heart from reaching for the salve offered by the free spirited humor that flowed about him. She wanted him to leave her but didn't want to be left alone, a combination that seized her mind with bewildered pain. Small one? Are you well?

"Koth says I frightened you," H'val said as he stepped forward, and then rocked back on his heels when he realized his presence may not have been appreciated. "I'm sorry. I… didn't mean to."

Small one?

I… he…

H'val is amazing. Tell him what is wrong so he can fix you. He's amazing. He can fix you.

"I…"

"Koth says there's something wrong. Should I go get Brekke?"

This broke the girl from her mind, forced her to look up as she shook her head to demonstrate the seriousness of her refusal. "No. I… don't need anyone else to lose sleep over me." Koth and H'val were more than enough. She rather wanted the woman who would be showing up to care for her feet in a few scant hours to be happy and well rested. "I'm sorry. I… suppose I'm a little jumpy."

"Why?" Something in Elrenia's expression made H'val draw back for a moment, and immediately moved back forward with an extended hand. This time, however, he was careful to explain, "The sun's going to be rising soon. I figure I'm not getting any sleep and thought it might be nice to sit on the ledge with Koth. Would you like to join me?"

Elrenia blushed when she realized she'd panicked for nothing. He just wanted to sit with her, and she appreciated the sentiment, having no urge to return to the nightmares she could barely remember. She didn't want to talk about the half remembered dreams however, and so she didn't mention them. She didn't mention anything. Didn't speak. Didn't respond.

And when, for several moments she hadn't murmured a single word, H'val nervously stammered, "U-unless you want to go back to sleep or something?"

"I'd… really enjoy sitting with you."

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leavesfallingup, I meant that she's not like Brekke or Lessa. One would assume she can impress if there's a dragon out there for her.

Blue is canon for women? =O I don't recall reading this in any of the books.