"So you… Ate Keel?" Shinji asked when they arrived back in Tabris' chambers after seeing Rei and Ritsuko out.
"I broke into his soul and absorbed his knowledge." Tabris looked just a little worried again. "Does that bother you?" he asked as he opened another door to reveal a music room.
"It probably would if he hadn't ordered the deaths of billions of people and had Kaji killed." Under those circumstances, Shinji wondered if he was even a little grateful or at least thought it was a good thing as he sat down by a music stand and a cello case. "It won't change you or anything, will it?" That, that worried him. He didn't want to lose Kaworu again.
Kaworu smiled, glad that he could reassure him. "I know more than I did before, and now I will need to begin to govern instead of being a defender and a symbol, but my soul is my own." Actually, that was the problem. "I am disappointed that I cannot give my people complementation. The peace, understanding and eternal life without pain they have yearned for."
"You really think Third Impact could be a good thing?" Shinji asked him, looking doubtful. He knew there were people who honestly believed that despite the devastation of Second Impact, but Kaworu really believed that? Not Tabris, but Kaworu?
Kaworu looked at him, confused. "You don't?"
"Well, no," Shinji said, confused himself now by why Kaworu would ask that. He had agreed to be an Eva pilot even knowing he would eventually be expected to fight Tabris and then SEELE. Fight and kill humans. "Why would I agree to fight people if I didn't think it was that important."
"And you know the truth of instrumentality and complementation," Kaworu was sure of it. Fuyutsuki wouldn't deceive the boy. "I know you hate Gendo and Yui, but you also know that what we," what SEELE, "seek isn't lonely godhood, but happiness without pain for all Lilim?"
"Yes, I know you have good intentions, at least some of you. I've heard about Misato's fights and all the politics since I was a little kid." He'd grown up with this stuff. "I mean, I know that you have good intentions, Kaworu," of course he would, "but I always figured that anyone who really thought about it… You can't just do that to people. No one has the right to make that decision for everyone without asking them, and since a lot of people would say no?"
"And I… everyone I've met who rejected it absolutely was full of hatred. Hated me as well, and refused to listen. Just assumed that I was evil because of what I was, and complementation had to be evil because Keel caused so much pain to the Lilim, and wasn't willing to hear or think otherwise. But you aren't like that." Shinji had forgiven him, was even willing to play with him again knowing what he was, and Shinji could see the gratitude in those slightly downcast red eyes, how touched Kaworu was. "For someone who understands it and doesn't have personal reasons like Misato's hatred, or Fuyutsuki's grief over what Yui became, to reject it… I won't insult you by saying that you can't possibly understand it properly, but… Lilim life is pain. I know that you've suffered pain and rejection because of who you were born to." Just like Kaworu, Tabris had because he was born of Adam, made by SEELE. "How can you choose pain and loneliness over perfect togetherness, death over eternal happiness? It just doesn't seem like a rational choice." But Kaworu was willing to listen to Shinji's reasons, willing to believe he had good reasons, because it was Shinji.
"Really? No one at SEELE has doubts at all?"
"Well, I've spoken to new converts, and yes, but what they doubted, why they doubted before they saw the truth…" Kaworu corrected himself. "Before they decided that complementation would be a blessing, their fear and hatred was because of Second Impact. It is," he admitted, bowing his head, "hard to believe that a good thing could be the goal of something that ended the lives of so many Lilim. That happiness could be born of so much pain, but isn't Lilim existence also full of pain and death? Billions died in Second Impact, yes, but every minute of every day Lilim are dying, billions doomed to die after such short, painful lives unless instrumentality is attained and Lilim become immortal the way I am. Shinji… You can't truly want to die, can you?" Now he looked so worried that Shinji had to take his hands, hurry to reassure him.
"Of course I don't, Kaworu. I have my family, and…" And now he had Kaworu again.
"I, I hope you can accept complementation someday, Shinji. That whatever reason you have to reject it is resolved. I don't want you to die," his friend said. "Knowing that you were going out there, fighting the other angels when you weren't at your best, and because of me? If you had died, I could never have forgiven myself."
"I won't die, Kaworu," Shinji promised because he had to. He couldn't make his friend worry like this.
"Even if you survive the angels, all Lilim die eventually." And Tabris wouldn't. He would lose Shinji, and have to go on for the sake of the people he had taken responsibility for. Their lives, now, instead of just serving as a symbol of the future, being their key to complementation. "I have been looking forward to it, Shinji," Kaworu said softly, and now Shinji was certain that he would be blushing if he could. "To having no more lies, deceptions or misunderstandings between us. Finding out that I and everyone else had been lied to, that I couldn't grant everyone's wishes…" It had broken Kaworu's heart that he couldn't bring about complementation, and Shinji understood that Kaworu needed to play, to retreat into music just as badly as he did, needed Shinji's company just as much as Shinji missed Kaworu.
"But it's not everyone's wish," Shinji reminded him. "A lot of people will be relieved that you're not going to attack us and trigger instrumentality. Maybe, now that you're not going to force everyone into… that," the thought of becoming even partially one with his parents, not to mention with all the people who hated him because of his parents? Feeling their hatred as if it was his? "They'll believe that you aren't evil?" And Keel's tame angel killing him, getting the vengeance for Second Impact so many wanted would help. Eating his soul sounded like a nicely gory and unpleasant fate, too. Wait, "Does that mean Keel really believed that? Thought it was good enough to be worth everything he did?" Kaworu hadn't found out that too was a lie when he ate him?
Kaworu look upwards a little, thinking back. "They could, they should have evacuated, and at least tried to launch Adam into orbit before beginning… what they did to weaken him, but if they warned anyone the world would have asked how they knew. No matter what, the amount of energy released would have been devastating, and the grieving would have blamed them for the deaths that weren't prevented even though what they did to my father was necessary to save the Lilim." Tabris closed his eyes, taking out a different violin than the one he'd used for years, practicing with Shinji. "No matter what, there would have been some deaths. Adam's power… even a controlled detonation altered the axial tilt of this entire planet." That much power: even trying to contain it, restrict it, deny it dominion over their world was sheerest hubris for beings limited as Lilim were. That they'd managed it even with Adam already asleep, even doing it by triggering the creation of another entity whose birth would first exhaust Adam and then would deflect some of the blast of Adam's power by instinctively shielding itself, was as inconceivable a thing as the cost.
"I'm sure they still have your things," Shinji was quick to tell them. "I'll ask Hyuga for your violin back."
That smile was all the thanks Shinji needed, but Kaworu still said, "Thank you," grateful for Shinji going to the trouble even though normally Kaworu was the one who troubled himself to help Shinji do things. "Keel wanted to keep his power and his reputation instead of being branded a murderer for what he did to save the Lilim. So, he didn't try to save this planet or those billions of people. He cared more about how he was perceived than how he truly was, in the end. I still do pity him," Kaworu said, pulling on his gloves before checking the strings. "The Lilim would have discovered his negligence, his cruelty when Keel achieved his goal, and complementation would have made him feel all their hatred as self-hatred. The heaven his actions granted the Lilim would become the hell he knew he deserved.
"He thought he was damned, and because of that he did not try to redeem himself, nor do less evil. In fact, he took pride in that as well. Third Impact will hopefully be a blessing: eternal life and freedom from pain for all Lilim. However, it is also a necessary thing. Lilith has no more souls to be born as new Lilim. No more hope for the future, and the future is something you Lilim need. The Dead Sea is spreading: every year more biomass is washed into it, every year it soaks further and further inland. Everyone knows that your kind cannot last much longer unless something is done." Even if they didn't know all of it. "The Lilim… If only one kind can exist on this planet, then your race is the one that should endure, Shinji. There are far more of you than there are of me, and you Lilim need the future." Even though they were red, Kaworu's eyes were sincere as he finished adjusting his stings.
Yes: this was how his people saw Tabris. Their angel, Shinji thought as he listened to this cello one more time to make sure it was in tune. An angel that actually cared about people, really cared and wanted to help, but even after eating Keel, Kaworu was still too nice. Too idealistic.
Asuka didn't really need a Kaji. But Kaworu, Kaworu was going to need someone to watch his back, Shinji realized. Someone to see the things Kaworu was too nice to see, since Shinji didn't want Kaworu to change too much more. He wanted his friend back, and if Kaworu became someone else, someone as bitter and suspicious as Shinji?
"Mind if we play that song first?" Kaworu asked, remembering all the times he'd asked that, how many times Shinji had said yes just because Kaworu liked it.
"Of course I don't mind, Kaworu," was Shinji's answer, even though it was jarring to see a grey head instead of a black one looking down at his violin as he began to play, humming as Shinji joined in.
A face with pale skin that could never tan tipped back with black/red eyes closed, focused entirely on the violin in his arms and the song in his throat. He didn't look quite the same, the violin didn't have exactly the same sound, but his voice, the way he sang, the way he played, the way he moved: they were all Kaworu. Shinji couldn't doubt anymore that this really was his friend. Still his Kaworu. So no wonder people listened to Tabris, really. No wonder they thought they could count on him to help them. Just like Kaworu.
It was, it really was a joy to play again. To focus on the music, no need for words except to suggest what they should play next. In his music room Shinji was the one who dug through the sheet music, but Kaworu knew where everything was here, so it was Kaworu who placed it on his stand, found the right pages for him, like he'd done at the Maestro's until Shinji learned how the library was organized and how to put things back exactly where they belonged so they didn't get lost. Shinji didn't wonder at the fact that there were copies of every song he wanted to play, because Kaworu knew him like that, was considerate like that, could be counted on for things like that.
Though when Shinji actually looked at him, met those eyes, it still kept startling him. That something so familiar was now different. He kept expecting to see black hair instead of gray strands that were almost translucent. Dark eyes instead of red ones, even though they had the same warmth. Shinji thought he owed it to his friend to get used to the real Kaworu, but he worked to bury himself deeper and deeper in the music until he forgot that Kaworu was an abomination just like how he forgot the abominations he had to fight, the Eva abomination he had to fight them with. Buried all the insanity under note after note of harmony.
Until his cell phone rang. Shinji had to juggle his bow for a second to get it out of his pocket, trying to answer it quickly because he'd picked an annoying ring to make sure it got his attention. "Hey, Dad."
"Shinji, where are you?"
…Oh crap. "Didn't Misato tell you?"
"I'm about to call her next. The Fifteenth Angel's been detected. It's remaining in high orbit for now, but… You're at the embassy?" There was no need to ask which one Professor Fuyutsuki meant.
"Yeah, um, a lot's happened…" Shinji didn't want to tell Dad that Kaji was dead, even though his immediate gut reaction would be good or finally. Kaji doing that to Misato reminded him of Shinji's parents, and that was why he'd issued a shoot on sight order if Kaji was found in Tokyo-3's area. That still left Shinji scrambling for something that would derail Professor Fuyutsuki's parental worry and professional paranoia before black ops came busting in here to rescue him, embassy or no embassy. "Lorenz Keel is dead?"
There, that did it. The Chairman's death had the potential to alter the post-impact geopolitical landscape so much it might even upset the board.
"…I'm still not going to forgive him for breaking Misato's heart like that," Dad managed to say after awhile, although it was clear that Kaji would have been able to make him break that resolution. Keel's head on a platter was a very good excuse for just about anything.
"Kaji's… He didn't do it. You should ask Misato, this is something she should tell you, but…she's going to need you, Dad. She's been talking with the ambassador…" Shinji glanced at his phone. "All night?!" That was when he realized how long he'd been playing, how tired he was, and how unhappy hands that hadn't picked up a bow in months were with him. He flexed the hand that wasn't holding the cell phone and saw Kaworu move out of the corner of his eye to get something for that. "We came in an official car: do you want it to stay here for Misato? I could ask Kaworu to get me a cab."
"A cab? With people trying to get out of Tokyo-3 while the abomination's still in orbit?" Shinji should know he was going to need some kind of official car. "Someone call our liaison office in Tokyo-2, have them send a car to the embassy," Fuyutsuki said, face turned away from the phone, then sighed. "I'm certain Misato has a good explanation for this…" Keel's head on a platter certainly sounded like one, even though taking Shinji over there was so absolutely insane. "But Kaworu?" Shinji was calling him Kaworu? "Son…" Shinji was setting himself up for heartbreak again. Fuyutsuki knew Shinji knew he was going to have to fight Tabris, so why was he doing this to himself?
"This is really big, Dad," Shinji said, trying to sound earnest instead of sheepish, because while what Misato was doing was important, Shinji had just spent eight hours he was supposed to spend sleeping playing the cello with an abomination the night before another abomination showed up. "Call Misato. I'll see you soon, ok?"
"I'm told we'll have a car there in eight minutes. Be in the lobby, or outside." Where the eyes in the sky could make sure he was reasonably intact.
"Yes, Dad."
"Love you, son."
"Love you too."
"You're still restricted to the citadel until further notice," Fuyutsuki said, and hung up.
Shinji put his cell back in his pocket and took the tube Kaworu handed him.
"They didn't have Tiger Balm in the infirmary here and it doesn't sound like you'll be staying long enough for someone to run to the store," he apologized.
"This'll do," Shinji said, sticking it in a pocket. It wasn't like he'd have much else to do in the car but work the stiffness out of his hands, unless Hyuga or someone called him to debrief him. Shinji doubted it. Well, maybe Ritsuko, but Third Child or not, Shinji was a teenager. This was a big shake-up, and all the analysts were going to want to look at Kaji's information and whatever Tabris had already authorized the embassy staff to share. "You know I just use Tiger Balm because of the name."
Kaworu laughed: yes, he knew. "I wish this had better timing. Sorry for keeping you up all night."
"I'll be fine," Shinji assured him, even though realistically the abominations were getting tougher and smarter and that wasn't a promise he should make. He just didn't want Kaworu to worry.
Kaworu knew that no, this was not going to be easy, but he didn't argue with Shinji because pointing out how much danger Shinji was in wasn't going to make either of them feel better.
Although Shinji was cautious when it came to letting other people near him, he was actually a lot more used to being touched than most of the people in Tokyo-3, since despite the massive immigration Japan was still a reserved culture that didn't go for public displays of affection. However, Kaji had no sense of personal space, Dad had always made an effort to make sure Shinji knew that he was loved and wanted even though the old professor wasn't his real father (thank goodness) & Misato had spent years tied up without human contact and treated her new, traumatized baby brother as a living plushie, demanding that he come sleep in her bed when he was afraid of nightmares. Or when she was having one of those nights.
Shinji had a lot of nightmares after what his mother did, after all the looks people gave him because his parents were evil.
So Shinji's reaction to someone embracing him wasn't shock that someone would do something like that. It was usually, "Dad, I'm fourteen now, remember?" or, "Misato, stop making my classmates mad at me," because he had a sexy heroine hugging him to her chest and they didn't.
When he found Kaworu's arms around him he returned the hug, of course, wrapping his arms around his silent friend. Kaworu hugging him was new, even though it didn't feel that way. Kaworu was part of the music room, part of home. Misato had brought four people and a penguin home with her and kept them because she didn't like to be alone, so Shinji could have this one. It was only fair, right? "I'll see you soon, okay?"
"I'm going to be a lot busier than I was before, but I will make time for you, Shinji," Kaworu promised, pulling back enough now to smile at him but not letting go until he admitted that, "I should walk you down to the lobby now: the professor's going to be angry enough as it is."
Shinji remembered the other time Fuyutsuki had gotten mad at Kaworu. Actually, both of them: there'd been an afterparty after a gig once and, well, stuff happened.
Neither of them wanted to let go, and Shinji didn't realize they were holding hands until they were in the lobby and Tabris couldn't follow him any further. The presence of the abomination on UN soil wasn't quite an act of war, but the UN kept trying to make it one when they renegotiated the limited engagement guidelines with SEELE. It wasn't really a treaty since they were technically still at war, more rules of engagement and limits on repriasals. For one thing, followers of SEELE on UN soil were not treated as civilians, but as enemies of mankind who were not wearing uniforms, which made them spies. It would be nice if they could just be kicked out of whatever country they were in, but the UN didn't have the power to enforce that, not reliably. Not dealing with lynch mobs.
Second Impact killed billions. Tabris was a weapon of mass destruction, even if he could control that power enough to not hurt Misato. Shinji bet that Japan and the UN had thrown seventeen kinds of fits to find out that he'd been coming here for years incognito, but the trouble was that there was only so much they could do about it, and they already were furious with SEELE to begin with, so it probably hadn't made much difference except to the number of witch hunts, if the information leaked.
Even though he wanted to ask Kaworu to come with him, he knew he couldn't. Not when he was the son of the Ikaris, not when Kaworu was Tabris.
Shinji ended up standing in the doorway, no longer holding hands but not letting the door close, leaning against it so at least there wasn't anything dividing them, until the car got there. "Bye," he said, reaching to adjust his music player. It startled him when he didn't have it, since he was so used to turning music on when Kaworu left and he stopped making music.
"Bye," Kaworu said, as though it was just bye for now, as though there wasn't anything stopping him from meeting Shinji tomorrow in the music room. No war, no abominations, no difference between them.
To maintain that feeling of normalcy, Shinji nodded, let the door close and focused on casually walking over and getting in the car after the Intelligence Division man opened the door for him.