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thanks, Nic, for being the bets lil beta in town. love you more than lime popsicles. which i really love lately.

When I got off the phone with Em, I sat completely still for a couple of minutes, trying to process what he'd said. It had come out of nowhere. After changing into sweats and a t-shirt, it became obvious that Edward wouldn't be calling that night. Eventually I fell asleep.

It wasn't fitful sleeping, laced with feverish dreams and all that dramatic bull you see in the movies. It was dreamless and deep and sound.

But when I woke up?

My stomach went right back to being in knots. All I could think about were Em's words the night before, how sure he'd sounded. That's the worst: when something awful happens and it's the first thing on your mind upon waking.

I was still sort of in shock, maybe even denial. There was no way Edward was going to get sent away. Parents did this sort of thing all the time. Of course, he'd probably be grounded for the rest of his life but he'd still be there. We'd find ways.

Still, a tiny piece of me knew that Edward might have pushed things a little too far this time. There was often slight tension in his house when I visited. It was never all out war or anything – the family seemed to get along for the most part – but more of a simmer. Like things could erupt. I didn't understand it, really. Maybe it was because he was a boy and boys were apparently all jacked up on testosterone at that age.

My parents got salty with me sometimes, but my house was chill in comparison to his.

Rose called around noon and we talked for awhile. Emmett had given her the scoop earlier that morning, so she knew what was up. Not surprisingly she was pissed at Edward for being so stupid.

"… I mean, how many warnings did he need, you know? I know you're all in love with him or whatever but Edward's dumb as hell. How hard would it be to like, hide your stash? God! And things were perfect between you two, I could just kill him…

Another called beeped through. My heart leapt into my throat; it was Edward. Finally.

"Rose," I said, cutting her off in mid-rant. "Listen…that's him on the other line. Lemme call you back, 'kay?"

"Yeah, yeah, go ahead. Fingers crossed."

I clicked over, feeling nervous and clammy.

"Hey… I was wondering when you'd call."

"It's been… shitty over here," he said, sounding resigned.

"Yeah, Emmett told me. Are you okay?"

"Not really."

I stayed quiet, trying to calm the awful anxiety in my stomach.

"I don't know, I guess I screwed it up this time," he said.

"Are you gonna have to go?"

"Yeah."

I drew in a sharp breath, not having expected the worst case scenario to actually happen.

"When?"

"I fly out next Saturday."

"What about school?" I gasped. My heart began racing again.

"My Dad's arranging for me to take a couple of tests, do extra work this week or whatever. There are ways," Edward said, laughing dryly.

"When can I see you?" I asked, not caring how desperate I sounded.

"Whenever, I guess. I can't really leave…" He sounded so unaffected. I wondered how much of it was an attempt on his part to distance himself from everything, maybe even me. He reminded me of the way he'd been when we'd first start messing around, all guarded with his words. As time had gone on, though, he'd become a lot mellower with me, so open, which was why the way he sounded right then bugged me.

"I can come there," I said, fighting the waver in my voice.

"Today?" He sounded enthused. Good sign.

"If… it's okay."

"For sure. Just call first so I can tell my mom."

"All right. I'll talk to you soon."

We got off the phone. For the first time since this shit storm had started, I let myself really feel. The lump that had been building in my throat dissolved into tears and I lay back on the bed. Crying soundlessly, I let the waves of panic and frustration wash relentlessly over me.

Why did the one person I'd chosen to be with have to leave? Especially when we were starting to hit a good groove? It all seemed epically unfair, like some sort of cosmic screw you.

Saturday. Saturday? It was so sudden, too soon, too abrupt.

I thought we'd have the summer.

Now, it looked like we had nothing.

My mother was grading papers when I made it to the kitchen.

She took one look at my puffy face and slid her glasses off, frowning. "Bella, what?"

"Can you bring me somewhere?"

"Where? What happened?" She sounded freaked out, which seemed pretty appropriate at the moment.

"I… Edward's moving…he got in trouble and now he's moving and I really need to go see him. Please, Mom. Please," I cried.

She nodded, her face gentle with sympathy. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not right now," I whispered, wiping my face.

"Okay. Just… give me a few minutes," she sighed, standing up. "Go get dressed."

I did as I was told, moving on auto pilot. Edward's words, telling me he was leaving in a week, and the tone of his voice, kept echoing dreadfully through my brain

We walked out to the car. It was terribly humid already, an auspicious start to what was looking to be a hellishly hot summer. Mom turned the air conditioner in her car all the way as I opened the windows to flush out the hot air.

I'd called Edward right before leaving, letting him know to expect us. Truthfully, I was a bit nervous to be encountering his mother in these circumstances and glad my own mom would be there as a buffer. It wasn't like I'd done anything wrong, but still.

For once, the Cullen's driveway was packed. Everyone was home, apparently.

We parked and walked to the front door. Mrs. Cullen – I couldn't even call her Esme right now – appeared at the door within seconds of our ringing the doorbell.

"Hi, Bella," she said, stepping aside to let us in. "You must be Bella's mother; I'm Esme Cullen. Nice to meet you."

"Thanks, you too. I'm Renee," Mom said quickly, closing the door. "So, I hope you don't mind Bella coming by… "

"Oh no, it's fine," Mrs. Cullen said quietly. "He's upstairs in his room, Bella. Your mother and I will be in the kitchen, okay?"

"Um… thanks," I said, nodding. It occurred to me that she might decide to give my mom details of Edward's issues, which would suck for me. The last thing I needed was an interrogation on the way home about whether or not I smoked weed.

Feeling like my feet were made of lead, I turned and trudged up the stairs.

Whatever Edward was listening to was turned up to such a jarring level that I could hear it as I walked down the hall to his room. I knocked loudly and then just let myself in, not quite knowing what to expect.

His room was a complete disaster. Mountains of clothes littered the bed, spilling generously on to the carpet. Books and magazines were scattered haphazardly across the floor.

I shut the door behind me and leaned against it, watching Edward mess with something on his desk.

He looked up suddenly. Our eyes met and my heart squeezed.

Grabbing a remote, he lowered the music.

"Hey," he said, coming closer.

I grabbed him in a hug and held tight, knowing our days of being like this were so numbered.

"You here to yell at me?" he asked, pulling away so he could gaze down at me.

I shook my head. "I'm guessing you know you screwed up…"

He nodded.

"So you're really leaving?" I asked pointlessly, glancing around his room again.

"Yup." He let go of me and scrubbed his hands over his face. "One frigging week and I'm out. Off to New York."

"And… you're going to military school?"

He shrugged and nodded, sitting on his bed.

I sat beside him, kicking my shoes off so I could cross my legs. "I can't imagine you in military school."

"Ha, me neither," he said, making a face. "It's gonna suck."

"When does it start?"

"August, but I have to spend the summer working with my uncle."

I bit my lip, trying to absorb all of this. I couldn't even imagine how Edward felt. After a minute I looked up to find him watching me. Almost like he knew what I was going to ask.

"When will you be back?" My voice was really quiet; so many things depended on his answer.

"I don't know yet… I have to stay up there, though. Like, for the rest of high school."

"Two years?" I cried. My world shattered as the enormity of his punishment finally became clear. There was no way…

He frowned and looked at his lap. "Yeah."

I don't know why this surprised me; I supposed I'd been holding out for the possibility that he'd be gone for just a year, but two years seemed impossible.

"They don't even… they don't want me coming around for awhile. Like, it'll get me in trouble again. They're coming to my uncle's for Christmas…maybe Thanksgiving, I don't know."

"Basically they're just cutting you off from Jensen Beach."

"Yeah."

Swallowing hard, I forced out the words swimming through my brain. "So that's it, then."

"I guess so…"

I wasn't an idiot. I knew we didn't stand a chance if he was so far away. The thought of being without him hurt like nothing I'd ever felt, and yet I didn't see any way around it. This was happening.

"Wow," I whispered, feeling the salty thickness of tears close my throat anyway.

"Bella…" he said quietly. "Don't look at me like that."

"Like what?" I whispered.

"Like I'm breaking up with you."

I shook my head. Regardless of the reasons, the consequences were still the same.

"Doesn't matter," I said, looking down again to hide my tears. "You're leaving, and I'm staying. Do you even want to stay in touch?"

"Yeah, when I can," he said. "Like, email or whatever. I just… I don't know. I don't think…"

"It wouldn't work," I said. "Even if we text or email."

You'll forget about me.

"What do you want me to do?" he asked, pulling me down so we were lying side by side. "I don't even know what it's gonna be like when I get up there. It's all strict and formal… we probably have curfews and shit. I don't know."

"I understand," I said, and I did. Because in my heart, I knew that even if we said we'd write and talk on the phone, the chances of that happening were slim to none. Besides Facebook, I wasn't that great at keeping in contact with out of town friends. How much worse would Edward be?

"I'm sorry," he said, kissing my face.

"So am I."

"I will email you, though."

For some reason that made me feel even worse. It just wasn't enough.

"This sucks," I said, and my voice shook. "So much for… your birthday."

"Don't remind me," he said, forcing a laugh.

"Sorry."

I kissed him this time, square on the mouth. He tasted like toothpaste.

I wanted to forget what was happening, just for awhile; to see if I could just lose myself that way I often did when it came to Edward.

Not caring that our mothers were downstairs and could come in at any second, I scooted closer to him and kissed him again, harder, deeper. I felt his breathing pick up, and he responded, sliding his hand up under my shirt, his palm flat against my back.

I knew then that I loved him, but that I wouldn't tell him.

Not that second, and maybe not ever.

Edward's mom said I could come over again in the week. I was surprised she allowed it; as far as I knew none of Edward's friends were allowed to come by except for Jake. I guessed Mrs. Cullen had figured out who the "bad influences" were.

In the car on the way home, I asked Mom what she and Mrs. Cullen had talked about. Hopefully Edward's mom hadn't blown up everyone's spot.

"Casual stuff. Work, the school system…"

"I can't believe she'd send her kid off like this," I interrupted, needing to vent.

"Well… we don't know all the details. This has been going on for awhile, hasn't it?"

"I thought you said you guys discussed casual stuff."

"We did – for awhile. But we couldn't avoid the elephant in the room forever," Mom said. "She probably just needed someone to talk to… I can't even imagine what she's going through right now."

"Me neither," I admitted.

"It might not seem like it, but this might end up being one of the best things that could happen to Edward."

I turned to look at her, gaping incredulously.

"Everything seems so huge now, but in the grand scheme of things..."

"Mom," I groaned. She sounded very parental and sensible. In other words, full of it. "I realize that you, like, have to say stuff like that, but Edward's life isruined –"

"And whose fault is that?"

"Well, his obviously, but…"

"But?"

"Mom," I huffed.

"The way I see it, either his parents put their foot down now or he keeps on acting the fool and gets sent to jail one day."

That set me off again and I twisted away, turning my face toward the window.

"He's going to forget about me," I said, lifting my shirt to I could wipe my face against the hem. "You're probably relieved, right?"

"No," she said gently, squeezing my thigh. "Not at all."

"You don't mind me going to see him before he leaves?"

"Not as long as you let me know."

I nodded silently, staring at the cars passing by without really seeing them.

School sucked.

It was so weird hanging out in the parking lot after classes. I'd gotten used to seeing Edward there most days. He'd gone from eye candy to my daily ride home, and his presence was definitely missed.

Everyone was gearing up for finals. I threw myself into my studies, and often invited Rose or Alice over so I didn't have to be alone. My mind wandered way too much, and it was easier to pretend like everything was fine when I had friends to distract me.

During class I daydreamed of him, mostly in parts: his mouth and how it felt on me, his hair in my fingers, his eyes. I thought about my visceral reactions to him, and how he gradually found himself drawn to me as well.

It got so I could hardly concentrate. Even when I managed to get my mind off of things, it wasn't long before I remembered and felt like crap all over again. I found myself compartmentalizing my thoughts and feelings, trying really hard to shove them all into a box and hide them in the cobwebbiest parts of my heart.

Alice and Rose were definitely suspicious of my calm attitude toward Edward's leaving. They didn't believe me, not for a second, but they kindly let me be. We studied, and talked and laughed like normal. I'd open up eventually but for the time being talking about it just hurt and made it too real.

Above all, I hated knowing that I needed to start detaching myself from him.

He was doing it, anyway. I could tell by his texts and phone calls that he was distracted most of the time. It hurt a little, but I almost couldn't even blame him. I wasn't the one whose life was falling apart.

It felt like it, though.

I called him before bed one night, tired of studying and reading the same paragraphs over and over. We talked for awhile, chatting about whatever. "It's weird knowing you'll never sneak in my window again."

"Never say never…"

"Yeah, okay," I said sarcastically.

"Maybe I'll come tonight."

"Your mom would kill you. "

"I can't get in any more trouble than I'm already in. Might as well."

Fear and anticipation gripped my heart. "Don't. You'll get caught."

He laughed quietly. I could hear a TV on in the background. "Yeah, well. I don't even care anymore, Bella. My life's pretty much over."

"It's not over." I bit my lip, hating the defeat in his voice. "It's just on pause… for awhile."

"Still sucks."

"I know."

"And… my Mom took my car keys anyway. Shit."

"You were actually considering it?" I sighed, closing my eyes and falling back into my pillows.

He stayed quiet so long I would have thought we'd disconnected, except I could still hear the TV at his house.

"Listen… I'm gonna go. I have to get ready for bed, but I'll see you tomorrow?" I said, feeling the day catch up to me.

"Yeah. I'll be here, soon as school lets out."

"Okay."

It occurred to me, in the shower, that I was actually a little relieved his mother had hidden his car keys. While I knew Edward didn't give a crap, I also knew that he was good at convincing me not to give a crap, either.

Desperation did funny things to people. It had been about a week since Edward and I had been physical, not counting a couple of kisses. I wanted him more now than I ever had, and I knew that if we were alone-alone I'd probably go further than I would've normally.

And sex was not a good way to detach myself from Edward.

The next day Mrs. Pena gave me a ride to Edward's. Alice had dance class, like always, but it wasn't for another half hour so they didn't mind the detour. I reassured them that Edward's mother was home, as was his housekeeper, and that my mom knew of my plans.

I'd texted Edward minutes before, so he answered the door right away.

"Hi," I said, my heart skipping a beat like always.

He grinned briefly and pulled me into a hug. "Would you believe my mom actually, like, cooked for us? Like that helps anything."

I gave him a quick squeeze and stepped back so I could shut the front door.

"She's going to miss you too, you know," I said quietly.

"It's her own damn fault," he shot back, pulling me up the stairs.

Well, it was his dumbass that got him in trouble, but I decided to keep that thought to myself. Besides, I couldn't help but resent his mom as well.

We'd just sat down on his bed when Mrs. Cullen knocked and barged right in.

"Hi, Bella. I thought I heard you come in. Are you hungry at all? I figured you guys might want to eat downstairs…"

"Hi…Esme. Um, I'm okay for right now, thanks. Maybe later?"

"Sure." She smiled warmly before glancing at Edward. "Do you –"

"Mom, can you please just leave us alone?" he sighed, not even looking at her.

Her face fell and she left, leaving the door open just a crack.

"What does she expect?" Edward scowled, kicking his sneakers off and across the room.

"She still loves you," I chided quietly. "I know you're pissed, but –"

"Bella." His face was so pained that I quieted, hurting for him. "I know. I know I messed up. But they are sending me away. Do you have any idea how that feels?"

I shook my head, never taking my eyes off his.

"I just… I don't want to deal with her being nice right now."

"Okay," I said, stroking the side of his face.

He smiled slightly. "Okay."

"Are you –"

He leaned into me really quickly, kissing my words away. At first he seemed agitated, aggressive, but soon his movements grew gentle, almost sensual. He eased me on to my back and held himself over me, rubbing our bodies together.

"I'll miss you," he said, between kisses.

"You'll miss this," I teased, pushing my hips up. "Anyway, your mom could totally walk in right now. Maybe we should chill."

He ignored me, going for my neck.

"I know… you can't… get into trouble," I panted, feeling my body respond to him. "But… I can."

He pulled back a little. "Okay."

I smiled, kissing him quickly before pushing him off.

We spent the rest of the time talking in bed, reminiscing about the school year and all the silly stuff that had gone down. Eventually our hunger got the best of us and we ventured downstairs, where Esme had prepared soup, salad and homemade bread.

My heart went out to her. As screwed up as the situation was I had to believe she was doing what she thought was right.

Edward was leaving in two days. Those days were devoted to family. When my mother came to pick me up, I knew that was it.

We hugged for a long time, and shared a really quick kiss, knowing our parents were watching. How awkward. I wished right then I had more pictures of us, of him.

"So… you got my email, right?" I asked, swinging my backpack on to my back.

"Yep. And you have mine…so… I guess I'll see you."

"Okay. I'll miss you."

"Miss you too," he said, and for once his eyes were so sad. He was still so beautiful though, and it broke my heart all over again.

I stayed quiet the whole car ride home, too knotted up inside to speak. Mom didn't make me come to dinner later on, not that I was hungry. Unwilling to be awake and alone with my emo thoughts anymore, I took a long bath and went to bed earlier than usual.

So why was I surprised when, in the middle of the night, a text came through?

Let me in

I jolted up right, my heart hammering so hard I could feel my face throbbing.

Crazy frigging fool. I flew across the room and yanked open the window. Not gonna lie though, I was insanely happy to see him, and relieved he'd wanted to see me one last time, too.

Even if it was possibly a suicide mission.

"Did you find your car keys or something?" I hissed as he climbed in.

"Emmett felt bad for me," he said, shrugging. "He drove."

"Where is he?"

"Down the street. I have thirty minutes."

"Thirty minutes to do what?" I asked, smirking.

"To… be with you." He pulled his shirt off over his head.

Trembling slightly, I got back in to bed, took my sweatpants off, and waited.

He crawled on to the bed, kissing his way up my thighs and belly.

We started making out, mouths and hands and bodies. It felt so familiar and so good; I'd never get enough of how Edward made me feel.

His fingers slipped inside me, making me gasp and groan into his shoulder.

"I'll miss you," I whispered.

He brought his mouth back to me and kissed me again, stroking his tongue against mine.

Suddenly his hand was gone. "God, I want you so bad, but there's no time…"

"I don't want to do it like this," I said, even though I kind of did.

"I know," he said.

"I wanted you to be my first," I said, trying not to cry.

"I know," he said again, kissing my eyelids.

He made me come with his hands, and I made him come with mine. Emmett texted him when it was time to go and we kissed again, frantically. Emmett texted again.

Edward got dressed and kissed me, opened the window and kissed me, and then slipped back out the way he came for the last time.

I shook as I closed the window, feeling cold from the inside out.

In bed, I found Edward's baseball cap. It smelled like him, of course.

I'd never cried so hard.

We talked a couple of times after that. On Saturday he texted me to say he was boarding his plane and I texted back to wish him a safe flight.

Alice and I slept over at Rose's that night. I finally told them everything I'd been feeling and they said they'd suspected as much. I'd never been one to hold in my feelings, but then again, I'd never been in this sort of situation.

We did the ice cream and movies thing, but nothing really helped; all I wanted to do was cry. Finally Rose brought out her pipe and a nugget of kind bud and we smoked it on her balcony. I found it ironic that the same crap Edward had gotten in trouble for was the very thing to soothe my broken heart, for a minute anyway.

School ended shortly after that. I was glad to be done with it, but decidedly gloomy about the prospects of a loveless summer. This was supposed to be the most amazing summer of my life so far, and now it was going to suck.

Edward and I emailed once or twice. We texted more, but things were already beginning to change. His uncle had him working on the house, helping him renovate it. He was busy all the time.

As for me, I would be taking driver's ed classes, and my father wanted me to get a job so that I could finance the car I'd be driving sophomore year. My parents had promised to get me something, but I had to pay to keep it.

"Gas ain't cheap, Bella," he liked to say. "Might as well start saving up now."

After shopping my resume around at a couple of places I managed to land a part time job at Barnes N' Noble. I loved books (and Starbucks, for that matter) so I was pretty psyched. It had been either that or McDonalds.

Mostly I was stocking and pricing books, but if things worked out my manager said I could probably be on cash register in a couple of months. Either way, I liked it. The customers and constant bus work gave me something to do besides pine over Edward.

It was amazing how much things could change in a matter of weeks. Edward was gone, and I was working. Alice left to attend Interlochen's Summer Arts Camp in Michigan. Rose didn't have to work, but she got so bored without Al and I that she ended up part-timing at an office, too.

During the summer, it rains most every day in Florida. Sometimes it's a quick shower, and other times it lasts for hours.

I liked the rain. Incessant sunshine wasn't meshing well with my emotions anyway.

I got used to Edward being gone, but…I never really got over it.

thanks so much for the reviews and messages, queridas. love hearing from you guys.

songs:

Reinventing Your Exit - Underoath

Dreaming With a Broken Heart - John Mayer

The Suburbs - Arcade Fire (omg,thanks annie. ilu!)