A/N: Warning: Intense fluff ahead.
Jane had insisted that she go home to shower and make herself presentable for dinner and…the rest of their evening. She had had a long last few days, and it had done a number on her. Though Maura was eager, she wanted Jane to be comfortable. And she was very understanding of how distracting wrinkled clothes could be.
By the time Jane had showered, changed, met Maura for burgers at the Robber, and eaten, their early evening out had become later than expected, and the extended timeframe had given Jane more to think about, more to contemplate.
She started to get nervous.
So, when they pulled up to Jane's apartment, as much as she wanted to continue as planned, she tried to buy herself some time to calm her nerves.
She turned off the car and turned to face Maura. "Hey, is it okay if we take Jo Friday on a quick walk?"
Maura smiled playfully. "You mean, before I get you to myself? Of course."
Jane laughed nervously, getting out of the car. "Alright. I know it's dark, but we'll make it quick. Let me take your stuff up to my apartment, and I'll grab Jo. Wait here and I'll be right down."
Maura handed Jane her purse and sweater, and Jane jogged up the stairs. When Jane reached her apartment, she made a quick round to make sure everything was presentable. She had straightened up earlier, but she was becoming paranoid. What if she wasn't good enough for Maura?
She set Maura's items on the counter and put Jo on a leash. Jane let out a heavy sigh and ran her fingers through her hair before exiting her apartment with her dog and heading back down the stairs. She found Maura waiting patiently, sitting on the entry steps.
"Ready?" Jane asked, trying to sound entirely casual.
Maura turned to face Jane and nodded, rising from where she had been sitting.
They began down the street, side by side as always, but even closer than they normally would walk. Jane was lost in thought, absently watching Jo trot a few steps ahead of them, when she felt Maura's hand slip into hers.
Jane was immediately pulled from her thoughts, and she turned her head to look at Maura.
"Is this…okay?" Maura asked quietly.
Jane stopped her steps while Jo sniffed around a small tree. "Yeah, Maur, of course," Jane replied softly. She leaned in to plant a kiss on Maura's forehead and gave Maura's hand a loving squeeze.
Jane and Maura strolled leisurely down the sidewalk, hand in hand. There was a cold breeze in the air, and there is always a cautious uncertainty about what one, especially a woman, may encounter passing the dark city alleyways, but Maura felt protected from both the elements and the people that the Boston night might throw at her with Jane by her side.
In spite of this, she shivered in the chilled night air.
"You cold, Maura?" Jane asked, genuinely concerned.
Maura shrugged, "A little," she admitted.
"I won't stand for it," Jane said, stopping and pulling her fingers from where they had been laced in Maura's to remove her jacket.
Maura smiled, humored by and endeared to Jane because of her chivalrous behavior. "Are you sure, Jane? Won't you be cold?"
Jane slipped the jacket around Maura's shoulders, "Nah, I'm fine. Now, I know it doesn't go with your dress, but, well…uh. There."
Maura closed her eyes and sighed deeply, pulling the jacket more tightly around her shoulders, "Oh, but it smells like you. Thank you."
Jane blushed a little, grateful that it was unnoticeable in the dark, and her hand found Maura's once again.
They walked on in silence, and Maura could tell something was on Jane's mind. Jane had retreated into one of those preoccupied shells, and her steps had become less leisurely, more uniform, less care-free.
"What's on your mind, Jane?" Maura asked, squeezing Jane's hand.
Jane looked up at Maura, surprised. "Huh? What? Nothing," Jane, as casually as she could, rebutted.
In the dark, Jane could just make out Maura's "I know better" look. Maura had cocked her head and raised an eyebrow. Maura reassured Jane softly, "Jane, we have to be able to talk to each other about anything with complete honesty. You can tell me."
Jane sighed. Maura was right. If they were gonna work out, they would both have to be completely open, and, admittedly, it was even more important to be honest with the type of things she was now thinking about.
"Yeah…okay," Jane conceded, "I guess I'm just…at little…anxious…" Jane wrapped her free arm around herself and rubbed her bicep, more out of nervousness than the cold.
Maura waited for Jane to continue. When Jane didn't, Maura spoke up, encouraging Jane to speak, "About what, Jane?"
Jane let out another distressed sigh, stopping in her tracks for a moment to grip the bridge of her nose and cringe before looking up again with a worried expression.
Jane reluctantly continued, "I'm just…gah. I know everything is going just fine, and last time we...well, last time we, uh…you know, started…it was fine! It felt fine. Well, it felt amazing. Natural, even. But, when I think about it now, distanced from it, I worry about it. Like maybe I'm not…well I'm not experienced. I don't really know how it's gonna be or what I'm gonna do or if I'll be any good at it. I feel like a teenager again."
Maura gave Jane her kindest, most reassuring smile, and squeezed Jane's hand.
"I don't want you to be worried, Jane, but I understand your feelings. And, I'm happy you shared them with me because… Well, I'm feeling them too."
Jane looked up, relieved, but also surprised. "You are?"
Maura nodded, "Of course."
"But aren't you like an expert at, like, everything? And doesn't "everything" include…I dunno, let's see, human anatomy and sex?"
Both women laughed at the light joke.
Maura picked up the conversation again as they reached the end of a block and turned around to head back to Jane's apartment. "I may know a lot about anatomy, and I may have, though not recently, indulged in my fair share of sexual activity, but that doesn't mean I'm entirely equipped to handle every distinct situation."
"What do ya mean?"
"I mean it's different with you. It's unique. So, I don't automatically know everything about our relationship simply because I'm technically knowledgeable about humans, anatomy, and sex. Every relationship is distinct. And this one, especially so."
"Especially this one…because we're both women?"
"No, that's not exactly what I meant. I mean, it isn't distinct solely because of the physical details. I've always thought the woman's body is quite the stunning creation, and your body in particular is exquisite, so I have no doubt," Maura laughed, "trust me, no doubt, that I'll enjoy it sexually. But, it's especially different with you because you make me feel things that are beyond sexual. Everything I do with you is so…pervaded by emotional chemistry. You just…make me feel things I haven't felt before."
Jane thought about those words for a minute, not immediately responding.
"…are those different feelings bad?" She finally managed.
"No! Not at all, Jane," Maura assured her, "That wasn't what I was implying. I just wanted to assure you that this is new for me too, that you don't have to feel inadequate because I'm also discovering new territory. The unique differences of our relationship are what we can discover together, so there's no need to be nervous."
Jane seemed satisfied with this reassurance, but her nerves still turned uncomfortably within her stomach. "That…I feel that too, Maura. You make me feel a way I haven't felt before, too. I don't know why or what's different with you. Maybe it's that you're my best friend. I'm not sure. But…I dunno, I'm not afraid of that. I like that. It feels…right. That's not really the part that makes me nervous…"
Jane trailed off and Maura waited.
Jane finally continued, "I'm nervous about, well, sex. Specifically. I'm nervous about the emotions of it and…uh, well, frankly, the mechanics of it. We've always had a great friendship, Maura. We can't deny that we have chemistry. And, that's why it kinda feels like we've already been dating. We do things that most pairs of women friends don't do. But sex changes things."
Maura nodded in the dark. She squeezed Jane's hand and moved closer to Jane so that their shoulders were touching.
She thought before responding with, "You're right. It does. But, I love you, Jane. We wouldn't have the type of meaningless sex that makes a casual relationship awkward. When I think of being intimate with you, it's not really…sex, like that. You're the dearest person to me. I love you, and I want to make love to you."
They had approached Jane's apartment, and Jane was overwhelmed by Maura's words. In a good way. Jane climbed the stairs, still hand in hand with Maura, in silence. She quietly unlocked her apartment door and stepped inside, helping Maura out of the blazer. She still hadn't responded after sauntering over to the kitchen to lean against the counter.
Maura placed herself next to Jane and once again took her hand. She prompted softly, "Jane?"
Jane remained still for a moment longer, staring intently at some speckle on the kitchen floor. When Jane raised her head to look at Maura, it obviously wasn't to speak. She stared at Maura for a few long seconds, her gaze intensely loving. And then, Jane leaned forward, taking Maura's face in her hands, and kissed her with all the affection that had been in her eyes.
She kissed Maura for a long, long time.
The kiss was slow, loving, and gentle, and when Jane finally pulled away, she stared at Maura again, asking, in disbelief, "What took me so long to admit how much I love you?"
Maura had been caught off guard. She had been unprepared for such an expression of affection. Maura wrapped her arms around Jane's waist and nuzzled herself into the crook of Jane's neck, inhaling deeply the scent of Jane.
Maura remained there for a while, finally sighing a reply, "I think it has always been understood between us. Our love was never a question. It has always been a part of our friendship. It just took us some time to realize that is was acceptable to add this dimension to our relationship. We were silly, really, to subconsciously dismiss the possibility on the basis of gender. But, it's understandable. I hadn't, and I assume you hadn't either, really even considered the personal possibility of falling in love with a woman, though I am by no means against it."
Jane had wrapped her arms around the woman who now nuzzled herself against her, and she felt herself hold her breath when she heard Maura's last words.
Jane turned her head and stared down at the woman against her shoulder, slowly, cautiously asking, "…uh…falling…in love?"
Maura looked up into Jane's eyes, still maintaining her snuggled position against the detective. "I'm sorry, Jane, if it's too soon for me to say that, but I can't ignore it. I'm falling in love with you."
Jane held Maura impossibly close against her and let out the breath she had been holding. "Don't apologize for that, are you kidding? I think I fell in love with you a long time ago."
"Oh," Maura said, closing her eyes and sighing with pleasant relief, "So did I, with you. I'm just…still falling."
Jane closed her eyes at Maura's words, not knowing how to process the emotions that were spilling over inside of her. So, she just stayed there, holding Maura tight, while Maura snuggled close into her. It felt perfect. She wasn't sure there was a more appropriate action to be taken.
What could have been an hour later, Jane spoke.
"Hey, Maura?"
Maura shifted in Jane's arms, like she was being stirred from a peaceful slumber, but her eyes remained closed.
"Yes, Jane?"
Jane loosened her hold on Maura a little. "Could we…could we wait?"
Maura opened her eyes with slight confusion. "Wait for what?"
Jane looked suddenly sheepish, and she dropped her hands from where they clung around Maura to nervously run her fingers through her hair. Maura leaned off of Jane and looked concerned.
Jane continued, "Could we wait…to…you know…" Jane gestured between herself and Maura.
Maura's eyes widened in understanding. "Oh, Jane. Of course. Whenever you're ready."
Jane let out a breath of relief. "But, I feel bad! I mean, we had started to…but now that…well, now that it means so much, now that I'm, like…feeling how much I love you, I want it to be a special night. I want to take you out to one of your fancy places and take you home to a…tidy, "Jane chucked nervously, "apartment. I'm sorry, I just…"
Maura put a finger to Jane's lips.
"Jane, don't apologize. It's okay. I'd wait a lifetime if you needed."
Jane reluctantly smiled. Maura just looked so adorable. She leaned in and gave Maura a soft kiss to her forehead.
Jane spoke again, "It's just that…Maura, after what you just said, about it not being sex…about it being…well, more than that…I realized how true that was, and how much more you mean to me than a quick trip to bed."
Maura cocked her head with a loving smile. "I understand, Jane."
Maura took Jane's hand in hers and led her to sit down on the couch.
"However," Maura continued, "I want you to know that a fancy trip to dinner or an extra tidy apartment are non-issues to me. I just love you."
Jane chuckled. "I know, Maur. Thanks." Jane sat down beside Maura.
"Oh," Maura remembered, "And I also want to address a comment you made earlier."
"About what?" Jane asked, settling back into the couch and putting her feet up on the coffee table.
"About the mechanics of sex," Maura deadpanned.
Jane laughed. "Yeah, what about the mechanics of sex?"
Maura smiled, "I just want you to know," and leaned in to plant a soft kiss on Jane's lips, "that even though you were worried about the physical details of sex with a woman, you proved to be quite proficient at addressing my physical needs."
Jane blushed. "Uh, um…thanks, Maur."
Maura cuddled up against Jane, resting her head on Jane's shoulder and draping an arm over Jane's stomach.
"I'm just saying you have no need to worry," Maura said softly.
Jane wrapped her arms around the woman cuddled against her, feeling her chest flood with warmth.
"I love you, Jane," Maura whispered sleepily.
"I love you too, Maura."