"She does have a family, Mer. She has us. You're her mother, Meredith."
Meredith felt her heart skip a beat when he said that. It was the one thing she wanted more than anything, and the one thing that scared her more than anything. To raise Katherine, to have a child depend on her, look up to her. Thinking about it made her dizzy.
"Meredith?" She felt Derek touch her hand, and felt shivers run up her spine. After almost a year apart he had the same affect on her. Nothing felt better than being in his arms, not even holding Katherine.
"Meredith," Derek said again when she failed to respond.
"What? Yes, I'm fine. I'll stay." Her response sounded stupid and unconvincing even to her own ears.
"Do you want to stay? Because I'll be fine without you. You can move on with your life if you'd like."
He sounds stupid and unconvincing too.
"No, this is my life. I don't want to leave."
"Good." He smiled at her, looking deep into her eyes.
She looked away, down at Katherine who was almost done with her bottle. "It's just, we're both here together, but we're not together, and, I don't know, it just doesn't seem like a normal thing to do. It's been almost three months." She bit her lip to stop herself from rambling even more.
"But it feels right, doesn't it?" When she nodded he continued, "That's what matters, Mer." He took a breath. "But we could be together if you wanted. It'd be easy, we already live together."
She felt her heart skip again. Good thing he's a doctor. He can save me if I go into cardiac arrest. Again, his words were what she wanted, and what scared her. Being a couple with Derek again, she knew how happy they'd be. She also knew how she'd feel if something happened between them. She'd lose him and Katherine. She knew that eventually, she'd probably end up back in his arms, or at least back in his bed, but it was too soon. It still felt like a betrayal to Addison.
She realized she had gone silent again. I'm probably going to give him cardiac arrest too. If we both need CPR it won't matter that we're doctors. He had sounded collected and confident, but she knew him well enough to detect the uncertainty in his voice.
"No, Derek. It's too soon after Addison."
He face fell, but he nodded, understanding. We both changed so much this year. She still remembered him chasing her around the hospital, begging for a date.
A moment of awkward silence filled the air. They had said all they needed to, but the conversation hadn't really ended. Meredith distracted herself by burping Katherine, and situating her with her blanket, ready to be rocked to sleep. Derek was quick to get up and turn off the light, but to his credit he came back to the footstool and even offered to sing.
Meredith took him up on his offer, settling into the rocking chair with Katherine, listening to his deep voice fill the room with lullabies. They didn't talk again until they left the room, silently kissing the sleeping Katherine, and laying her in the crib.
In the hallway, Derek caught her wrist, and pulled her against him. She gasped and tried to relax when he wrapped his arms around her.
"Meredith, will you be ready soon? Addison would want you to move on, come to terms with her death."
For a brain surgeon, he is so often brainless. As much as she wanted it, she saw everyday why she couldn't be with him.
"I'm not the only one who needs to come to terms with her death, Derek."
"What is that suppose to mean?" He let go of her, slightly angry.
She didn't let it get to her, and kept pressing him. "Have you cried yet? The first night doesn't count. Have you really reflected on what you had, what you lost?"
He didn't answer, pushing past her down the hall.
She grabbed his hand, stopping him. "It's more than that, though. I'm just not ready. Please don't be mad at me, Derek."
"I could never be mad at you." He pulled his hand away from her, and went into his bedroom, shutting his door in a matter contrary to his gentle tone.
GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA
That night, alone in his room, Derek finally did cry. He pushed all thoughts of work, Meredith, and Katherine from his head and cried for his late wife. Mentally, he could see her misty eyes on their wedding day, the way she had smiled on their first date. He remembered all the times they had sat on rooftops eating lunch, the way her face lit up when she found those cute little viewfinders. His mind went from med school to Seattle, just recently, the way she had glowed towards the end of her pregnancy, the way she had lit up when they heard Katherine's heartbeat for the first time.
Hours later, when he had exhausted thought on nearly every memory of the times he had shared with Addison, he found his tears were gone, and he was left feeling empty. He finally understood why Meredith kept pushing him away. She was right; he wasn't ready to enter another relationship. Not while memories of Addison made him cry and feel empty. He also knew that this was the first time he had actually accepted her death, that she was gone, not on some glorified vacation. There had been real love between them not so long ago and he had to move past it before he could have Meredith. It wouldn't be fair to make her compete with his dead wife.