Letter # 12
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy! But here's my letter, so reply to me, maybe!
I'm pretty sure you read that in tune to the song Jackie. Don't bother denying it. God, that song is like everywhere and it's driving me nuts. That song is taking Last Song Syndrome into the highest possible level ever! Do you know that Thad actually made calling cards with those lyrics? It seemed like a hilarious idea at first, but now, it seems petty and stupid. If this song is the trigger to the zombie invasion then we are all freaking zombies by now. And don't get me wrong, I actually like the song but it's just too catchy to the point that even the old, cranky pseudo-senile teachers here know it.
It's just like peanut butter. Everybody loves peanut butter (except for people that are allergic to them of course) and we tend to overspread them into our bread. And when we eat it, sometimes it gets stuck into the roof of our mouth and it gets annoying. But we still like peanut butter even though it has that possible outcome. And before you ask, I'm actually eating a peanut butter sandwich right now that's why that analogy came to my head.
Anyway, another pile of 'good news' came after V-Day, in the form of me quitting the Warblers. Yeah, that's right. I quit the Dalton Academy Warblers. Along with Thad, Jeff, Trent, Johnny, David and a few more. We all decided that winning this year's Regionals under Sebastian's "leadership" was just overstepping some lines especially after what happened to Blaine. They still have enough members though to qualify for Regionals which was okay with me since I want to see them crash and burn against The New Directions. Because let's face it, they don't stand a chance at winning without Jeff's master choreography or Thad and I's near perfect vocal blending or Flint's beat boxing. I will gladly give up a Regionals title just to wipe out Sebastian's meerkat smirk of his weasel face.
Anyway, I'll keep this letter a bit shorter than my past few letters since I have to leave soon anyway. We Warblers on a coup are going out to celebrate our new found freedom. Thad's actually in the shower right now so yeah, best that I start of with the story now.
The weekend practices we did for "Somewhere Only We Know" was grueling, fun but grueling. It's not that easy to learn a new song and develop an acapella rendition of it in two days time. We tried our best but it wasn't as perfect as we wanted it to be. We may be a great acapella group even in our reduced state but we were no miracle workers.
We finished our last practice that Sunday night at around ten pm since some of Wes' roommates were already complaining about the level of noise we were making. We had no choice but to end it because we can't risk an official complaint (we were already going to cut class the next day so we didn't want more trouble). It would have been so much easier to just book the usual Warblers' room overnight but because of the ruckus that happened there, we were really not on good terms with the admin. We dispersed back to our own rooms afterwards to rest and most importantly, stretch. Because we were so freaking cramped in Wes' room. Blaine was even seated on Flint's lap just so he could fit.
When Thad and I got back to our room, I received a text from Jeff which said "sorry again for hitting your head a while ago D:". Now, before you assume that Jeff went on a violent streak, let me tell you first that it really was an accident. As I told you, we were all cramped in Wes' room and Jeff was positioned behind me during practice, atop Wes' bed. He was leaning on Johnny that time but Johnny moved a bit which caused Jeff to lose his balance and flail a bit. And that brought his elbow to collide with the back of my head. We crash landed on Wes' carpeted floor because of that. It was really nothing to worry about and I already said it was okay back at practice so I just ignored the text.
When I got back from my shower, I saw that my phone had a new message on it, which came from Jeff. This one read, "R u still mad at me? D:". I tried to type a reply but whenever I typed something out, I tended to delete it again and start over. I just couldn't phrase what I had to say properly. If I had a do over of that moment, I would have typed this. "I'm not mad. At least, not mad anymore. Let's just let things fall into place." And yes, the falling into place was a sort of pun to what happened in Wes' room.
My phone buzzed again while I was trying to type my reply and it was again another text from Jeff. This one said "I'm guessing ur still quite mad then… It's ok, I deserve it anyway. Good night Nickers, c u tom". (And just in case you're wondering, these messages are still stored in my phone that's why they're accurate down to the frowney faces.) Anyway, after rereading that text for the nth time, I replied to him, saying good night. It was the first ever text I sent him every since the little fallout so I'm guessing it's something significant to note.
The next morning, all of us 'rebel Warblers' sneaked out of Dalton to head to McKinley High in Lima after our first two classes (Wes didn't approve of cutting the whole school day). We knew that we couldn't sneak a car out on a school day so Blaine, David and I took our cars out of the Dalton parking lot on Sunday and parked it at Coffee Way, the nearest establishment that's okay with the extra parked vehicles. When all of us finally got out of Dalton, we headed to Coffee Way to get our cars and some take-out pastries and drinks. We left a big tip since they let us park our cars overnight for free. The remaining rebel Warblers chose which one of us three they were going to ride on. I mean ride with. Errrr which car and designated driver did they prefer to carpool with. Damn, that phrasing and word choice was terrible…
Anyway, I ended up with Jeff, Johnny, Trent, Andrew and Kent riding with me. Serious emphasis on the 'with'. Jeff took the passenger seat and I started getting flashbacks of that drive home we had. But I just let it slide and focused on my driving. Jeff turned on the radio upon Kent's request and out came a familiar song that I didn't want to listen to with Jeff being around. It was Landon Pigg's "Coffee Shop". If you have AT&T commercials in your country then you probably know this song. I wanted to change the station but I was too late since Andrew and Trent were singing along to it.
I never knew just what it was about this old coffee shop I love so much. All of the while I never knew.
I think that possibly, maybe I'm fallin' for you. Yes, there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you.
I've seen the waters that make your eyes shine. Now I'm shinin' too because, oh because, I've fallen quite hard over you.
Hearing that song, I felt like my eyes would have some waters to make it shine as well. Johnny noticed this so he reached out and changed the song, much to Andrew's chagrin. The new station was just playing some pop song I can't recall now but it helped me get my mind out of the gutter.
We arrived at McKinley and as I parked, I saw Blaine talking to this African-American girl who I knew was a member of New Directions. I learned that her name was Mercedes when Blaine introduced us. Apparently, Mercedes was helping Blaine with this whole school serenade thing.
The time for the performance came and we were nervous and worried. Our layering and harmonizing was still questionable at some parts but what could we do about it? The show must always go on.
Blaine, Wes and David started us off and the awesome start boosted our confidence quite a bit. I could see Kurt's expression as we descended his school's courtyard and he looked stunned in a good way. I then saw that the courtyard had a piano and a drum set on it which I found odd but apparently, it was all part of Blaine's plan. Since we were still a bit rocky with our harmonies, Blaine asked McKinley's band/jazz ensemble (through Mercedes) to help out in our performance. The final product was astounding and Blaine's voice just made the entire scene so emotional and heartwarming. Kurt and Blaine looked like they were fighting back their tears and they weren't the only one. Even though Kurt's stay at Dalton was brief, he still made a difference to us. And those were big enough to open the floodgates in our eyes, including yours truly.
Hugs and goodbyes were shared as we ended the song. When Kurt hugged Wesley goodbye, he asked him who was he and what had he done to the real Wes. Every Warbler laughed at this because it really was quite unnatural for Wesley to break a lot of rules. When I got my turn, I hugged Kurt tight and lifted him a bit, much to his surprise. When I placed him back down, he whispered in my ear that I should forgive Jeff already because it was making both of us miserable. I replied that I'll think about it and he smiled at my answer.
When the emotional mess brought by goodbyes was done, we all headed back to Dalton so we could still catch some of our afternoon classes. The drive back was surprisingly quiet. The songs on the radio were not catchy enough to sing on the road (Call Me Maybe wasn't made yet to plague road trips) and Trent, who was the usual noise maker, took a nap the whole ride back.
We still had plenty of time to catch some of our classes when we arrived but it just proved useless to me anyway. I basically tuned out all my remaining classes because either I was too bummed out that Kurt was gone or I was too lost in thought with what Kurt said. Miserable was the word that really struck me in that exchange. I wasn't miserable. I may have been slightly less enthusiastic than I normally was but I refused to believe that I was actually miserable. But I was willing to admit that I would be miserable if cut Jeff off completely. But another thing bugged me, because Kurt mentioned that we were both miserable.
I started observing Jeff every lunch that week. He did look a bit down, like he lost the spring to his step. And I became a bit guilty. I wanted him to feel the gravity of his mistake and I also wanted some time away from him but I never wanted to make him miserable.
I texted Johnny to meet me in the library on one of those days (can't remember which one exactly). He immediately asked me what the emergency was and I just asked him if he thought Jeff was miserable. He quickly said yes and he reinforced it by saying that Jeff did miss me when I was mad at him. I then asked him if he thinks that patching up things with him now would be a good idea. Instead of a simple yes or no answer, Johnny went all mystical on me and told me that only I could answer that. The annoying thing was he was right. And if I was asked the same question, I would have answered the same way Johnny did…
After much more thinking, I finally decided that it really was time to forgive Jeff. And the moment I accepted that, I realized how much I really missed the guy. I asked Johnny for his help on how I would do this little reconciliation plan I thought of, and by Monday the next week, we were ready to execute it.
Lunch time came and I was waiting for Jeff by the grandstand of the Dalton sports field. Since most people spent their lunch break inside the cafeteria or in their dorm rooms or the library, this place offered some privacy. Johnny's task in the plan was to convince Jeff to go to the bleachers without revealing that I was there waiting for him. Johnny managed to do that and pretty soon, I saw Jeff walking on the track field, heading to where I was.
When he finally saw me, he stopped dead on his tracks but I waved at him to come. When he finally started climbing the stairs, I started singing Jesse McCartney's "Just So You Know".
I shouldn't love you but I want to, I just can't turn away.
I shouldn't see you but I can't move. I can't look away.
It was a sad song to sing and it didn't really feel like a song you should sing to reconcile with someone but I just felt drawn to choose this song to perform for him. It did ring true after all to our situation. Jeff just stood there and politely listened as I sang my song.
Thought you should know I've tried my best to let go of you. But I don't want to.
I just gotta say it all before I go, just so you know.
When I was done, I approached him and enveloped him in a tight hug. He was speechless but he somewhat looked happy. I told him that I wanted to sing another song for him since he already dedicated two songs for me. He then asked me if I wasn't mad at him anymore because the song kinda sent some mixed signals. I explained to him why I chose that song. I told him why I was angry at him in the first place and why I tried to ignore him. I also mentioned again the ultimatum I gave him and why his lack of response on that kinda screwed me up big time. I told him what Kurt told me about the two of us being miserable and how that somewhat lead to this moment. I pretty much just explained to him the whole side of my story.
When he still looked stoic, I told him that the important thing was, I wasn't mad at him anymore. And that I didn't expect an answer from that ultimatum I threw at him anymore. Jeff sighed and he looked guilty. I asked him what was wrong and he told me that he didn't want to because I would probably just get mad at him again. Translation: it was related to Rose Anne.
I promised that I wouldn't get mad at him and that I just wanted to help. He then admitted to me that "Wait For You" and "Somewhere Only We Know" were not only for me but for Rose Anne as well. And that one of the reasons why he felt more miserable recently was because of Rose Anne. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I got jealous but I still had enough patience to ask him what was wrong with Rosie. He then told me that Rosie got in on an exchange student program and that she'd be gone for almost a year.
I just sat there beside him, comforting him. When he asked me if I was mad at him or disappointed or stuff like those, I quickly said no. As we sat there, I realized a couple of things. One was that Jeff really liked Rosie, probably in the same level that I felt for him. And two, Rosie was probably unsure about reciprocating the feelings back, the same way Jeff was with me. To break the silence, I asked Jeff if he really liked Rose Anne because I wanted to hear it first hand, not just see it or assume it. Here was his reply more or less.
"Of course I like her. She's pretty and awesome, overly fun to talk to. That's why I couldn't put down my phone most of the time. She's goofy herself and she's not afraid to try something new, hence the exchange program. She's really special and yeah."
It really amazed me how he blabbed about her that time yet I didn't feel the pang of jealousy. I just saw how cheerful Jeff looked as he explained why he liked Rosie and yeah, it may seem cliché but I felt happy since he was happy. And isn't that what loving a person really is? Finding happiness by making the person you love happy? That's the point where I decided that I would help Jeff get Rosie; that I would put my feelings aside just so Jeff could be happy.
I didn't say that to Jeff because I knew that he'd feel terribly guilty about it. That's also the point where I understood or at least made an assumption as to why Jeff couldn't just say no to me when I presented the ultimatum. Jeff did love me but it really was on a different page than where I was. He loved me to the point that he just couldn't bear to shoot me down because there really was no gentle way to reject a person.
Jeff then asked me why I asked that in the first place, since it was odd given our situation. I just told him that I just wanted to know. He gave me this quizzical and nervous look before he told me that he also liked me too and stuff. I just laughed and stopped him before he said things that might sway my earlier ideas. I told him that he didn't have to tell that to me anymore because it's been established that we do like each other. I told him that he was my best friend and I love him because of that. We hugged it out again before we departed the grandstand to go back to the main building.
And that Jackie is how the month without Jeff ended. It may not be the best ending but it was still a happy ending in my book. I had Jeff back in my life again and that's already a reward on its own.
So… it's not really as short as what I intended. Blame, or I dunno congratulate, Thad because of that. He's still in our bathroom taking a bath… Well next time, I'll be talking about that dream I've mentioned before in my previous letters. That'd be something exciting to talk about, I think?
And wow, just got a text from the Meerkat Lord himself. And he wants to meet all of us down our room (Warbler's room not our dorm room) pronto. He's probably going to beg all of us to come back to save his sorry ass. That'll be fun to watch.
Anyway, I'll see you next time then. I'm excited to see what the king of obnoxiousness has in store for us.
Signed, Nicholas James Duval