Chapter 12 (Some heavy swearing, please be warned, and forgive me.)
A/N: I am so grateful for the feedback, the reviews on this story! I have not replied yet because I had to write this. I feel the sense of urgency now to get the meeting finished, because it has been building to this for so long, and it still doesn't quite happen yet. Next part, it is gonna happen. No more build-up. If any of you have opinions on whether Lou or Kono should go first, let me know, because each is ready to talk.
I do apologize for the strong language in one part of this chapter. I also apologize for the dense paragraphs of basically Steve talking….that is how the story wanted it to be. I know how to split dialogue, but it didn't want me to do that, so I didn't. My bad if it throws anyone off or makes it too hard to read.
For those curious, I do not have a medical background (except for stuff I've personally gone through), but I do have family members in the medical profession, and I am an avid researcher. In my opinion, half the fun of writing is researching.
I will say thanks to all reviews to part 1 after I post this, and cross fingers this is readable, and then dive into part 3! To all readers and reviewers, mahalo! I read every review, and some guests I'd love to respond to, but can't due to how this whole system works. Just know, I appreciate you as much as the members who leave reviews, and all readers!
CBS owns Hawaii Five-0. I mean no infringement whatsoever! Thank you for letting me and others play with your creations!
Chapter 12 (Swearing ahead, be warned!)
Steve shoved the heels of his hands against his eyes and willed himself to calm down. Danno had just scared him half to death with that awful coughing fit, not being able to breathe, the fear in his eyes, the pain he had seen. He had watched his partner's face turn more and more red, the veins standing out on his neck and temples as he coughed. He had thought Danny would have a stroke, or a heart attack. And then he was breathing again, finally, and the red receded until his skin was sweat soaked, a shade much too pale to be healthy.
He was so glad the doc had knocked Danny out. He just hoped that coughing attack had not jarred more stitches, or anything they couldn't see. He was worried about his liver, his kidney, his ribs, his lungs. His entire midsection had taken a beating with that cough. At first it had shocked Steve that Danny had damaged his stitches so badly, but considering the severity of the cough, he realized it should not have shocked him at all.
Steve began to rub his temples, keeping his eyes open because closing them brought into sharp focus again Danny's coughing fit. Steve McGarrett had been in many adrenal situations, but this one shook him in a way few others had in a long, long time. Danny was his partner, and he had felt like he was going to see him suddenly die right before his eyes.
He knew the whole episode was his fault. He had pushed Danny too far, once again expecting him to handle more than he was physically and emotionally capable of in his weakened state. He hated himself for putting Danny through the meeting. He should have known it was too much. It would have been a lot to handle when he was healthy and fine. Injured, sick, and weak, how had he honestly expected his partner to weather something so personally emotional? He should have protected him instead of throwing him into such deep water. He hadn't had Danny's back, not the way Danny had tried to have his by trying to weather the meeting.
He felt a comforting touch on his shoulder. He lowered his hands just enough to see that it was Chin. Of course it was Chin. Lou was helping Kono, his arm around her so she could literally cry on his shoulder. Steve realized he had hardly ever seen her cry. It hurt him to see it.
He nodded at Chin, because he didn't know what else to do, and lay back in the bed. Chin pulled his chair closer, and handed Steve a cup of ice water. "I know what you are thinking, and this wasn't your fault."
Steve took a few cold sips, which did nothing to ease the tightness in his throat. He looked at his team, and they looked at him, and his words came tumbling out, like a landslide down a steep hill. Sometimes during the landslide, a wet tear would slowly slide down one or the other cheek, but he wasn't even aware of them.
"Yes, it was, Chin. It was. He had such a hard day. -Those treatments, no rest. Physically, he was hurting. We've all busted ribs; we know what it's like. When I told him what this meeting was about, it tore him apart. I should have been more gentle, held some comments back. We all know he takes things hard. He's sensitive, and I took none of that into consideration when I recounted what Kono and Lou said about him. He emotionally withdrew. He withdrew, and tried his best to hang on and prepare. He didn't ask to be excused, because he knew I wouldn't have listened if he had. He knows I ignore his needs, especially when he's being emotional. I keep showing him how I have been raised to deal, or not deal, with emotions, never allowing for Danny's different upbringing. Again and again I show him that he gets listened to when he swallows his pain and doubts and does everything my way. 'Suck it up, Danny. At least two of your co-workers now think you are a spineless wuss and wish I'd kick you off the Task Force and out of our ohana.' Isn't that pretty much what I told him? Knowing Danny would be hurt, did I even hesitate to tell him? No. Then, despite how badly his feelings are hurting, when he offers to resign, I tell him he can't do that. He says he'll quit. I say you can't quit, I won't let you. Never mind your pain, Danno, never mind the hurt, you can't do what I don't want you to do, because what? I might need him to donate a kidney to me someday? Some partner I am. Why do I always ignore him unless he does things the way I want?"
Steve paused, but kept the floor, since it was obvious he had more to say. "I was raised differently, to suck it up, so I expect especially Danno to do that. But the fact that he is Danno is precisely the reason I chose him for my partner! I knew he'd challenge me, and when I'm honest with myself, I agree with him that I could use a little bit of his sensitivity and expressiveness. I'm too closed off. I take risks. It's a McGarrett thing, and a SEAL thing. But Danno isn't a SEAL, or a McGarrett! When push comes to shove, I demand he make all the changes. He holds his ground, but I know in the end that he'll just suck it up and have my back, no matter how he feels. Torn ACL, busted ribs, concussion, bullet wounds, bone marrow donation, Sarin poisoning, blown up and buried under concrete in a space that even made me feel claustrophobic, rebar jammed in his side, and I yank it out and pour hydrogen peroxide on it, and it hurt so bad, but he did not scream. So I make a bandage out of stuff, and duct tape it on, knowing it will tear like crazy when pulled off, and I just expect him to be fine afterwards, even though I know he's not fine, and get on his case when he reminds me he's not exactly anywhere near one hundred percent. Every time, I ignore him. Every time he tries to ask me to understand, I ignore him. Or I tease him. I know it hurts him. We all know. He TELLS us, hoping against hope that this time we will listen to him. But we never do! He keeps trying, and we keep teasing or ignoring him, pushing him away AGAIN, when what he's doing is begging us to please give a shit for what he's going through ... And we never do."
Steve realized why Chin had stuffed kleenex in his hands, and finally wiped his eyes, blew his nose, and the landslide continued. "I have to keep him from quitting. He means it this time, I can tell. Or at least he wants to mean it. He has every reason now to mean it. He has for six years. Now he knows half his ohana has walked away from him, and after what Rachel did to him with the custody battles, and lying to him about Charlie not being his kid when he was, and his brother Matty turning crook and expecting his big brother to look the other way, and when Marco Reyes kills Matty, and Danno killed Reyes, then almost gets killed because of ... because of all that shit in Columbia with the CIA crook who Reyes was working for - he must feel like he has no one who won't hurt him. Except his kids. And I go and tease him that Charlie will come to hate him. I know I've hit bone, but I also know Danno will forgive me and let it slide, even if it tears him up like a machine gun inside."
Steve wiped his eyes again, but it was clear he wasn't finished, even if he was talking about things that were unknown to some of his task force. "No wonder Gracie and Charlie are his everything! They are the only ones who don't hurt him! We keep hurting him! I keep hurting him! I call him ohana and brother and hug him and would die for him, but I won't give a shit about his feelings. Two of his work ohana don't care if he dies, think he's a coward, think he's too disloyal to shoot the guy who shot me, when he went through hell after what he did for Matty. If I were him, I would quit. If I were him, I'd just say, 'Fuck all of you,' and walk away. So what does he do? What does he do? He donates half his liver to me, and then nobody visits him but his kids, and I get all the Get Well stuff, and all I did was get shot. I didn't do anything heroic. He did, and we abandoned him, everyone abandoned him, and I would seriously say 'Fuck it,' and never speak to any of us again. But he won't do that. Danny never does that. He may decide this time to not say anything, to just quietly walk away. He donates his liver, and then hears that he's being ignored because he might ever say he saved my life, which he has every right to say. And you two prepare a chorus of variations on 'yada yada yada' until he shuts up, IF he says it. He hasn't even said it, and he gets no visitors from his 'ohana' because he might say it, he might ask us to care that he was scared to land that plane, that I might die, that he might crash instead of land the plane, that all he cared about was giving me the best chance to live. Nobody thought about him! He was thinking about me, you guys were only thinking about me. Believe me, he gets it now. He knows he means nothing. He finally got it that not even his co-workers give a fucking shit about him. The only thing that matters to his ohana, even to the Governor and the people of this state, is that Steve McGarrett didn't die, not that Danny Williams landed a dead plane on the beach where EMTs were waiting, and helped save my life by splitting his liver with me. Nobody thought of him. Nobody. But his kids. He gets it now. And he knows his partner tossed pineapple at him, and he slipped and fell on it and got hurt, and he's had one setback after another because of that, and that he was hurt before he ever even donated half his liver to me."
That's when Steve lost it, his face crumpled into an expression of pure grief. Tears flowed freely. His voice came out so strained, so hurt and caring, so sad. "And he forgave me! I told him Charlie would come to hate him, and tossed pineapple at him, and he had to have surgery again after the fall when he slipped, and he forgave me! He always does that. He forgave Rachel so many times, and now he's trying to figure out how to forgive you guys, after he forgave me." He covered his face again, but the tears had stopped. He whispered, "I told him to have hope, but what hope is there when we show him every day that we only care about him when he shuts up and has my back? What kind of ohana are we to Danno? With friends like us, family like us, who needs enemies?"
Steve looked up at Kono, Lou, and Chin, and over at Danny's empty bed. The landslide had ended, but a last tear slipped down Steve's cheek. "I don't want to lose him. But we may already have."