Katrina woke up with a jackhammer in her skull.
"Fuck…" She groaned, stretching.
Bad idea.
"I'm never moving again…" she muttered to herself. That's when she heard a quiet noise to her left. Steeling herself, she looked to her left to find the source of the noise. It seemed to be coming from under her wing on the ground. She lifted it to find Sam curled up on the ground underneath it, snoring lightly. A twinge of guilt went through Katrina when she saw that he was using a rolled up winter coat as a pillow. He shivered when she pulled her wing away, a frown marring his previously peaceful features.
She sat up, ignoring the way that every inch of her body protested. Suddenly, Sam was awake, his eyes open and alert like had never been asleep. It seemed to take him a moment to realize that he wasn't under attack.
"Wow," Katrina said, her voice rusty, "I knew you were a good guy Sam, but I didn't think you were that much of a good guy. I can't believe you slept on the floor."
"Eh," Sam said, sitting up and stretching, "I've slept in worse places. Not to mention, there wasn't really any room with your wings taking up so much space."
"So you decided to use one as a tent," Katrina laughed, then groaned in pain.
Sam smirked, "It was surprisingly warm. I guess you're not immune to hangovers then, huh?"
"Apparently not…" Katrina rubbed her temples.
"Want some coffee?"
"God no…" Katrina shuddered, "If I ingest anything right now I'll probably throw up."
"Well, we should go see if Gabriel' s back with the stuff yet."
"Ugh..." Katrina groaned, "do we have to?"
"No. But we really should." Sam stood, "you might wanna put those away," he gestured to her wings.
"Right.." Katrina sighed, her wings folding behind her back before slowly fading from Sam's view.
Sam almost missed them once they were gone. They had been so beautiful.
Katrina stood as well, and suddenly she was wearing completely different clothes and her hair was settled perfectly.
"How on earth do you do that?"
Katrina smiled, amused, "I have a wardrobe full of clothes and I just summon them from there."
"And your clothes just appear on your body as your other ones disappear?"
"Well..." Katrina stretched, "there's a bit of a delay. But it's way too fast for you to register."
"So you're saying, for a small fraction of a second, you were naked?"
Katrina rolled her eyes, "An unfathomably small fraction of a second."
Sam smirked.
"Oh shut up," Katrina stalked to the door, opening it.
"Didn't say anything," Sam said, following her.
Katrina came face to face with a surprised Dean as she stepped into the hall. His face quickly slid from confusion to smug smirk,
"Well, you sure work fast, don't you Sammy?"
Katrina rolled her eyes as Sam flushed red.
"It wasn't like that," he said angrily.
"Right, right, sure it wasn't, " Dean said unconvincingly.
"Dean," Katrina warned, looking pointedly at his bruised cheekbone, "Don't make me decide to match your left cheek with your right."
"Wow," Dean raised his eyebrows, "Your voice is wrecked. Weird that I didn't hear anything last-"
Katrina raised her hand threateningly.
Dean held his hands up in mock surrender, "Okay Kat, I'll zip it." He turned to walk down towards the library. Katrina followed him with Sam behind her, who was oozing mortification and irritation. She reached back and took his hand to squeeze it reassuringly, before dropping it as they entered the library. They were greeted by the sight of Gabriel surrounded by hundreds of candy wrappers.
"Isn't it a bit early for candy…?" Dean asked, irritated.
"It's never too early for anything when you've been awake for millions of years, Wishbone."
Dean turned to Katrina and Sam and mouthed, "Wishbone?"
Katrina giggled, "I think it's in reference to your legs."
Dean flushed angrily, shifting awkwardly in an attempt to make his legs come closer together. Gabriel winked before clearing the table with a snap of his fingers. All that was left was a mass of objects and substances that Katrina recognized as the ingredients for the spell.
"Let's get this show on the road then, huh?" Gabriel announced, standing, "The sooner we get this over with, the sooner I can get back to living my angel and Winchester-free life."
"Sounds like a great plan," Dean snapped back.
Gabriel paused, looking at Katrina, "Everything alright over there blue? Your face looks like you're a little blocked up."
Katrina grimaced, "Hangover…"
"Oh, c'mere," he gestured. Katrina walked to him hesitantly. He smiled at her reassuringly and placed a palm on her forehead. Warm relief surged through Katrina, her shoulders sagging. A noise between a moan and a sigh escaped from her lips. "Better?"
"Better," Katrina said, smiling.
She turned to see Sam and Dean both looking at the two of them, simultaneously confused and irritated.
"What?" she asked.
"Just not used to seeing him not being an asshole," Dean muttered, beginning to organize the ingredients.
Gabriel shrugged, "I've got my reasons."
Katrina tried very very hard to not to give the irritation and territoriality that was rolling off of Sam any thought. Now that she knew, it seemed that Sam's feelings would always be blindingly obvious to her. Some things could just never be unlearned.
"Where's my little brother at anyways? We'll need him, won't we?"
"In his room," Dean said gruffly, "He won't come out."
Katrina's face fell, her eyes cast down guiltily. Gabriel eyed her for a moment before turning to Dean,
"Not even for you?"
"Especially not for me," Dean bit out.
Gabriel cocked an eyebrow, "Wow, must be serious." When no one replied he sighed, clapping his hands together, "Well, I'll see what I can do."
"Cassieeee," Gabriel landed in Castiel's room, "I've come to retrieve you from your sulking solitude!"
"Please Gabriel, I'm not in the mood for your foolishness," Castiel mumbled through his pillow.
"Don't worry," Gabriel sat on the bed beside him, "I'm not here to screw with you, I just came to see if there was anything I could do to help."
Castiel lifted his head, eyeing him suspiciously.
"Come on," Gabriel continued, "You can talk to me about it."
After a brief hesitation, Castiel sat up reluctantly. "Katrina and I were… romantically involved. She felt that our relationship could not continue if I remained human, so she ended it."
"Ah, the blonde one? No wonder she looked so guilty, not to mention heartbroken when you woke up and ran to Winchester instead of her."
Castiel flushed.
"Dean thinks you won't speak to him because you're angry with him. He seems hurt."
Castiel twisted his blanket between his hands, "I'm not angry... just confused... It seems that there was more to our friendship than I thought..."
"Well, I've seen that coming for ages." Gabriel smirked. "If anything, it sounds like she did you a favor, letting you go. You've never been good at that. If anyone should be in their room sulking, it's her. At least you've got other options now."
Castiel shook his head, "I don't understand how anyone can do that... just let go."
Gabriel sighed, "Yeah well, this is all very... you. You've never been okay with losing anything, even things you didn't really want. Remember when you were a fledgling and Ezekiel always bullied you, and yet when he died in battle you cried harder than anyone else?" He paused, frowning, "Although… you always cried harder than everyone else… Crying wasn't really an angel thing. I always said to myself that you were created to mourn and express the sadness of all the angels who couldn't."
Castiel stared at him, "I don't remember anyone named Ezekiel..."
Gabriel's frown deepened, "Right," he said sadly, "I don't suppose you would."
"I don't understand."
"It's nothing," Gabriel said suddenly, and his gentle demeanor was shattered, "Either way, just like always, you gotta get over it for the sake of duty," his face softened a bit, "and for the sake of your sanity. Sometimes you just gotta let go and move on. Now get up! We've got a spell to perform and a nerd to kill!"
"I suppose you're right... Just let me change and I'll be out in a moment."
"Atta boy!" Gabriel grinned, standing. He flitted out into the hall, where he found Katrina. She jumped slightly in surprise.
"Uh..." she stuttered, "sorry, I shouldn't have been eavesdropping... I was just worried." She bit her lip nervously.
"You find out what you wanted to know?" Gabriel asked nonchalantly.
"Mostly..." Katrina nodded slightly.
"Mostly?" Gabriel started walking back towards the library. Katrina followed.
"I'm just confused. You're different from the books... nicer. Gentler. When you were talking to Castiel, it was much different than how you talk to the Winchesters."
"Yeah, well, Castiel's different," Gabriel put his hands in his pockets. "He doesn't remember… but I practically raised him. It's how we always used to be. I'd listen to him when he was sad. And boy, was he sad a lot. At least, by angel standards. The kid just had too much heart, and though it was endearing and at worst irritating while he was young, it started getting him into trouble as he got older…" He swallowed, frowning, "He kept getting taken in for 'therapy'," he scoffed angrily, "That bitch Naomi just screwed with his head over and over again. It wasn't long until he started forgetting things, losing parts of himself. Soon he wasn't even Castiel anymore, just a soldier like the rest of them. It's part of the reason I left heaven. I just couldn't bare to see it." He paused, taking a deep breath, "It wasn't until I saw that Castiel was becoming himself again, because of the Winchesters, that I decided to help them out and fight my brother Lucifer. I guess part of me should be sad that he's human, but honestly I'm overjoyed. He may not be an angel, but he's Castiel. Castiel is worth more than fifty thousand angels."
Katrina listened silently, her face alight with awe. Gabriel was amazing. He was so much deeper and good than she thought, than the Winchesters probably thought. Hell, Castiel probably didn't even know. Gabriel had all this love for Castiel, but he didn't even know. It was so sad.
"Why don't you just tell him?"
Gabriel shook his head, "It wouldn't make any difference. Telling him the bond we used to have won't make it come back. You need to live through those experiences to make it, not just hear about them."
"I'm so sorry…"
"Honey, I've lived with it for hundreds of years. I'm okay. I'm just glad he's back."
Katrina smiled, "Well, that explains him… what about me? Why are you so nice to me?"
"I wouldn't say I'm that nice to you," Gabriel chuckled, "But I guess I've just got a soft spot for lost angels with too much heart."
"I'm not an angel…" Katrina murmured.
"I know, but you're close enough. You've got the daddy issues, or creator issues in your case. Disappointment, confusion, desperation, it's all part of the package."
"Thanks…" Katrina didn't even question how he knew that Castiel had created her.
"Being an angel isn't really that much of a compliment, but you're welcome."
"Still... it's nice to be considered a part of something. I usually just don't feel like… anything." Katrina looked down at her hands, frowning.
"Well, you shouldn't worry about that. I have a feeling you're a part of something here. Judging by the way Sasquatch looks at you," he smirked.
Katrina reddened, "Yeah, for now. Until fifty years go by."
"We'll see sweetheart. Nothing's set in stone."
"Do you think Castiel's going to be okay…?"
"Yeah, I think he'll be fine. It's not the same as usual. You're not really gone, you just won't be… involved anymore, as he put it. He would be much worse off if you had really left, or if you had died. Soon he'll realize that he's not really losing you, just your relationship."
"Well good. Because when he's upset, he's so pitiful it's almost heartbreaking. I don't think I could restrain myself if he kept looking at me with those damn wide sad eyes."
Gabriel chuckled, and as they entered the library, she could see him shift. The warmth in his eyes were replaced by a mischievous glint, "Well, if you need a distraction, I'd be happy to help," he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. He strode past her into the library, smacking her ass as he went. Katrina's eyebrows shot up in surprise as her face turned bright red. She looked up to see Sam and Dean both scowling. She could feel Sam's anger tickling the back of her mind, trying to pass off as her own emotion. It was becoming harder and harder to differentiate between them. She stood beside him, pushing calmness towards him. She saw him relax a bit and smiled mischievously. Apparently he was easier to influence than she was.
Jealous?
Sam started. It had been a while since they had purposefully communicated through their connection.
No.
And Katrina could tell that he wasn't. It wasn't jealousy rolling off of him, just very strong distaste.
He's just so… Rude and disrespectful and slimy I mean what the hell I can't believe he fucking smacked your ass he's only known you for like a day doesn't he have any decency?
Sam. It's okay. I don't mind.
Sam shot her a disbelieving stare, paired with suspicion.
He's actually not so bad… He's mostly just doing this to make you guys angry, you know. He's pretty sweet as a matter of fact. Kind of amazing really.
Sam scoffed. You haven't known him long enough yet.
Katrina smirked. Now you're jealous.
I'd try to deny it… but I guess there's no point.
No need to sound so down about it.
What, should I be happy?
Katrina's heart stung with guilt as a quiet sadness slid over Sam.
You're right… I'm sorry. I shouldn't tease you. I'm a shitty person.
Well… Honestly I'd rather have you tease me about it than pity me, or have things be awkward.
Yeah I guess. It's not like I can really pretend I don't know or anything. We can't really fake anything, can we?
Nope.
Katrina sighed, bumping him with her arm affectionately.
"Hey, can you two quit with the telephones in your head before Cas comes in here?" Dean snapped, causing Sam and Katrina both to flinch. "It's worse than watching couples cuddle in public."
Katrina muttered an apology and slid away from Sam. Just in time, because within seconds, Castiel entered the room looking a bit sheepish.
"Good morning," he said quietly.
Everyone murmured an awkward reply, Dean refusing to look Castiel in the eye. Katrina met his gaze when it shifted to her, but her eyes betrayed no emotion.
"Alright, let's get started," Dean said, a bit louder than was necessary.
Katrina swallowed as Castiel set the bottle of grace on the table.
Just like with the last spell, Katrina stood back and let the boys do most of the work, only stepping in when someone needed something handed to them or held. Gabriel observed with her, conjuring up a milkshake.
"So…" Katrina said, too quiet for the others to hear, "Castiel said archangels have gold wings. Is that true?"
"Yeah," Gabriel said, bemused.
"Are they like, gold gold? Or just like a golden yellow?"
"Definitely gold gold."
"Wow…" Katrina breathed. They were probably gorgeous. If only angels didn't have that stupid wing rule.
"Did Castiel tell you how many I have?"
Katrina's brow furrowed in confusion, "What do you mean? Do you not just have two?"
"Nope, I have six."
"What?" Katrina gasped, "Six?"
"Yep."
"Oh my God…"
Gabriel chuckled, "You're very easily impressed, aren't you?"
"No! Well… I mean, maybe… Just with wings I guess. They're amazing. If I could, I'd have mine out all the time, but Castiel says it's inappropriate."
Gabriel snorted, "That's because Castiel's a prude. Him telling you to hide your wings is the angel equivalent of him telling you not to dress provocatively. Angel wings are as 'intimate' as a low cut shirt and booty shorts. Although, it might be a bit more serious because angels are very strict business formal in every sense. If anything, he told you to put them away because he found them distracting."
"Hmm…" Katrina pondered, "So basically he made me the angel equivalent of bammin' slammin' bootylicious?" She smirked.
"Exactly," Gabriel grinned back, "You're almost as exotic as me, " he winked.
"So, if it's really not that big of a deal, why do you keep yours put away then?"
"Convenience," he shrugged, "It's kind of hard to blend in among humans when you've got six giant wings coming out of your back. Bit of an eye-catcher. Not to mention, they kind of get in the way of everything unless you're in a wide open space."
"Good point," Katrina nodded. She bit her lip in contemplation. She battled with herself for a minute before Gabriel interrupted her thoughts.
"Let me guess," he said, "You want to see them."
Katrina nodded enthusiastically, before looking down, embarrassed. She felt childish.
Gabriel chuckled again, "You're pretty funny."
"Sorry, I just get a bit too excited."
"Nothing wrong with that, better than those three skulking downers over there," he nodded towards the three men. Katrina giggled.
"Sam's okay sometimes," she defended, "Dean's the worst."
"Speaking of Sasquatch," Gabriel cocked an eyebrow, "You guys have a telepathic connection? How did that happen?"
"Oh… Well, he got pretty messed up doing these trials, trying to kick all the demons off of Earth. And I mean really messed up, like down to the core. I've seen lots and lots of sick people… but it never touched their souls the way it touched Sam's. So I've been helping him patch up, and there were… unforeseen consequences. Is it really as obvious as Dean says?"
"Well, it definitely looked like there was something going on. It was basically just the facial expressions. You both looked like you were having a conversation in your own head, but since it was both of you, and your expressions matched up pretty thoroughly, you could tell you guys were talking to each other. Of course, I don't think it would be as noticeable if you didn't already know. I didn't figure it out until I saw your grace extending towards him."
"You can see that too?"
"Yeah, until you told me why, I thought you had gone and soul bonded with him."
"Soul bonded?"
"Yeah," Gabriel explained, "The simplest way to put it would be like... angel marriage I suppose. Except there's no divorce. The bond is for life, scratch that, longer than life. And it connects you in a way that no other promise can, you're attached mentally and spiritually. You literally become each other's everything. There is nothing more important than your bonded. "
"So… what would happen if you soul bonded with someone who wasn't in love with you…? Would they start loving you?"
"Well, it's kind of hard to do that, given that it requires consent on both sides. Generally, no one consents to that without love being there in the first place. But I guess they would, yeah. Exposure to someone's soul accompanied with that absolute loyalty makes it kind of impossible not to."
Katrina gulped, "You can't soul bond with someone on accident, can you?"
Gabriel shook his head, "No no, definitely not. Trust me, if you had soul bonded with Sam, you would know. Although, what you have is kind of similar, it's not anywhere near strong enough. It's like… soul dating in comparison. You have the exposure, but not the emotional need. Hell, I don't even know if you have the same amount of exposure."
Katrina wasn't entirely convinced.
"Kat," Sam interrupted, "Come here, we're almost done."
Katrina stepped up to the table, where Sam handed her a cup full of a strange, reddish-brown liquid.
"What am I supposed to do with this?"
"You gotta drink it," Dean grimaced, looking at his own.
"... What if you guys messed up the spell and made something poisonous?"
"We didn't mess up the spell," Castiel said firmly.
Katrina sniffed it. It smelled earthy, and like cinnamon, "It's smells like cinnamon," she murmured appreciatively.
"No it doesn't" Dean scoffed, "It smells like apple pie."
"Well," Katrina countered, "There's cinnamon in apple pie."
"Mine doesn't smell like either of those," Castiel said, "It smells like hamburgers."
Katrina looked at Castiel, confused. How on Earth could he think it smelled like hamburgers?
"What does yours smell like Sam?" Dean asked.
Sam shifted uncomfortably, his ears reddening a bit. "I don't know… it doesn't really smell like anything specific… I mean, I guess there might be… books?"
Sam was lying, and Katrina could tell. But she didn't pry, "Okay, so let's just agree that it has a different smell for all of us. It's probably a property of it or something, maybe it means that it worked."
"Right, well, on the count of three then?" Dean offered, raising his cup.
On three, they all downed their drinks.
The drink burned Katrina's throat and nose, making her eyes water. It was like she had directly dumped a jar of cinnamon into her mouth. It was extremely overwhelming. She coughed and choked when she had finished it all, feeling nauseated.
Dean and Castiel seemed to be having the same issues. Though they weren't hacking like Katrina, they both seemed to be very queasy.
Sam just stood there, looking concerned.
"What the hell…" Dean groaned.
"I don't think I'll ever eat another hamburger again…" Castiel moaned.
"I need water," Katrina gasped.
"No!" Castiel shook his head, "You can't drink anything else until after the spell is done."
"Sam, why aren't you having any problems?" Dean asked, his face pained.
"I don't know," Sam shrugged, "Maybe because mine wasn't a food? I just kinda got an overwhelming rush of the smell. It wasn't so bad at all. Although, my throat burns a bit, but I think that's just from Katrina."
"Lucky son of a bitch," Katrina grumbled, "Let's just get this over with so I can drink some damn water."
A few more incantations were said, and Dean opened the bottle containing Castiel's grace. He murmured something to it in Latin and it began to swirl aggitatedly. Suddenly, it split into four parts and shot straight at each of them. It hit them all square in the chest.
Katrina doubled over in pain. It felt like something was trying to rip her heart to pieces. Tears began to stream down her face immediately. She looked up at the rest of them, but they didn't seem to be in any pain at all. In fact, their faces were alight with joy and wonder. Their chests seemed to be glowing like a beacon. A high-pitched tone was growing louder and louder. Sam's face, however, soon changed as he realized that Katrina was in pain.
"Kat!" he said, worry overtaking him. Katrina dropped to her knees. Sam's face screwed up in surprise and panic as he found that he couldn't move an inch. "What's wrong with her?" he shouted. Katrina was gasping like a fish out of water. It felt as if she couldn't draw oxygen from the air. But, she didn't need oxygen.
Suddenly she felt a hand on her shoulder, she looked up to see Gabriel kneeling in front of her. He put a hand on her chest, his face set with concentration, before pulling it back. The grace followed him, slowly and painfully, stretching like a piece of gum stuck inside her. Katrina cried out as he did it. She could feel it trying to hold on inside her, as if it was trying to take her heart out with it. Finally, with a snap, it was out, glowing fiercely, as if it was angry. Katrina slumped so that she was lying on her back, her chest heaving.
Without a word, Gabriel picked up the small bottle, coaxing the bit of grace back inside. Then, he took a look at one of the scrolls of parchment and recited something in Latin. The other pieces of the grace slid out of the three men's chests with ease, the glowing fading from them. They joined the other piece inside the bottle before Gabriel closed the cap. The men stumbled a bit as they regained the ability to move.
"You guys should have realized you'd need a caster," Gabriel said, no mischief in his tone, "If I hadn't been here, none of you would have been able to end the spell."
Sam ignored him, rushing to Katrina's side, "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine..." Katrina panted in reply.
"What the hell was that?" Dean asked.
Gabriel ran a hand over his face, "I was afraid it would happen. The grace deemed Katrina unfit to be blessed, so it started to 'purify' her. However, it wasn't at full capacity, so it would have taken hours for it to work, if it did work. It's more likely that it would have killed her." He looked at Katrina, "If it did work, once it had decided that you were pure enough, it would have blessed you. By then, your mind probably would have been completely unraveled from the pain."
Katrina believed him. She couldn't imagine going through that pain for more than a few minutes, let alone hours.
"So..." Katrina said, wincing as she sat up, "The spell didn't work? I won't be able to go through the portal?"
"Nope," Gabriel answered.
"Well shit," Katrina said, frustrated, "What are we gunna do now?"
"The plan is the same," Dean shrugged, "Except you'll just stand guard outside the portal."
Katrina bristled, "Guard? No way!"
"There's nothing else we can do Kat!" Dean snapped, "You can't go in, but we have to go in!"
"Do you?" Katrina replied angrily, "Do you even know what you're gunna do when you get in there?"
"We'll open the gates from the inside," Castiel said quietly.
"You can do that?"
"Yes."
"It might have been helpful for you to mention that before Cas," Dean said, exasperated.
"I wasn't sure we'd even make it that far, I didn't find it necessary. I was hoping we could find a way to open it without going in. Going into heaven is insane. There are forces designed to eliminate those who shouldn't be there."
"Who?"
"Not who. There are no people or creatures to keep them out. It is heaven itself. It has its own forces and weapons to cleanse itself."
"Then how are we supposed to open it from the inside?"
"Quickly. Heaven's protection is somewhat like the autoimmune system of a human. It has to register that there is a virus before it can send its defense. If anything, it's better that Katrina doesn't come with us. Heaven would be much quicker to recognize her than us. Human souls come into heaven all the time, purgatorian souls, not so much."
Katrina's mouth set into a stubborn frown.
"Don't worry Blue," Gabriel said, "I'll keep you company. I have no intention of going into heaven, even if I could."
"I'm starting to get sick of being a monster..." Katrina muttered angrily, her lip quivering. She bit down on it, refusing to let herself lose control in front of all of them.
Sam put a reassuring hand on her shoulder, making her tense as the connection widened. She could see how he saw her, and feel his vehemence against anyone calling her a monster. She was everything he believed angels were supposed to be, and more. The perfect mix of angel and human. Loyal yet free spirited, fierce yet compassionate, beautiful and-
Katrina snatched her shoulder away, scooting farther from him.
You're biased. She said shortly, before slamming a wall down between them. Sam seemed surprised. Katrina was as well. She hadn't realized that it would be that easy. Well, it wasn't easy. The wall didn't stay without effort, it took concentration.
She didn't know why she felt so angry all of a sudden. Being bathed in affection certainly wasn't unpleasant. This time was different though. Normally, there was a taint of fear, resistance. She had always been scared of being so close, open, and vulnerable to someone. But this time, she wasn't scared. She had found herself comforted by Sam's closeness. She could feel herself letting herself be pulled into him mentally, and instead of wanting to pull away, she found that she wanted nothing more to burrow in his warmth and stay there. And that was scarier than anything. So she pulled away, angry with herself more than with Sam. Yes. Now she understood. She was angry at her own lack of self control. She should know better than to encourage Sam. If she kept reacting to his emotions I like that, it would send the wrong message. It was becoming clearer and clearer that the best thing for both of them would be to get rid of this connection for good. This was messy.
And now it was making Katrina slip. Sam's love was starting to get to her head. She was losing her sense of self and control over her own emotions. She couldn't fall for Sam. She just couldn't. She wouldn't let herself.
She stood, straightening out her clothes, "Fine. I'll stand guard. Let's just get this over with."
"What do you mean it's gone?" Dean gaped.
"I mean it's gone," Gabriel replied, "Poof, vamoose, gone."
"How?"
"Well apparently he can move it around," Gabriel shrugged.
Dean turned around and kicked a desk, "Son of a bitch!"
"Well, we can just do the spell to find it again, can't we?" Katrina asked.
"No," Castiel shook his head, looking around the computer room for any sign of a clue, "The spell only works once."
"I'm really starting to hate this dickwad," Katrina said, suddenly feeling very tired.
"We could always go back to the facial recognition computers again," Sam offered.
"And so the wait begins again..." Katrina murmured.
"One more time, Zirdo abramig," Gabriel said.
"Zirdo abramig," Katrina repeated, her brow furrowed in concentration.
"Good," Gabriel nodded, leaning back, "But you're rolling your R's all wrong. It's a noise you make with your throat, not your tongue."
It had been a week since they had restarted their search for Metatron, and Katrina had thrown herself into studying and healing. So far, she had learned Latin, Spanish, and German. She was currently learning Enochian. The hardest part of Enochian was the pronunciation, which is what they were working on now. She figured it would be practical to learn.
She was learning the languages at what seemed to be impossible speeds. If only she had known before how well her brain seemed to soak up information as an angel, she might have gone back to college while Castiel was missing. Or maybe learned every language there was. But she had time now to make that up. Actually, she had eternity. At least that was something she could do to keep herself occupied. She would become smarter than any person alive. That was something to look forward to.
Admittedly, another reason she had delved so deeply into learning was to distract herself. Ever since she had put that wall up against Sam, she had been trying to keep it up. However, it took more energy and focus than she was capable of constantly. So, instead she had to concentrate on something else with enough focus that she couldn't spare Sam any thought. However, It didn't work as well as she would have liked it to.
Katrina felt empty. Sam's absence left her feeling cold and inexplicably lonely.
It was so stupid that blocking off the connection made her feel so hollow. The connection was a nuisance, and it constantly reminded her of Sam's feelings for her and how she was hurting him by not loving him back.
And she did not love him back. That would be a terrible mistake, and she had better self control than that.
Or at least that's what she told herself.
That's what she reminded herself when she caught herself staring at him while he was reading. It wasn't her fault that he was attractive. Hell, all the men in this bunker were attractive, gorgeous even.
Besides, from what Gabriel had told her, she had the nagging suspicion that Sam's feelings weren't as organic and genuine as they had both believed. Although he had assured her that she had not soul bonded with him, many of the components were still there- the components that Gabriel had said would lead to a romantic attachment being created.
Not to mention, he had already been attracted to her in the first place. That surely wouldn't have helped.
And if Sam's feelings weren't real, then any tiny spark of attraction or longing Katrina felt while looking at him were obviously fabricated as well.
Hopefully, with enough time, Katrina's blocking of the bond would smother any unwarranted emotions that either of them possessed, until she could find a more permanent solution. If she could just find a way to cut off the connection, without hurting Sam, he wouldn't love her anymore. He wouldn't hurt anymore.
She reminded herself of this as he entered the room, his eyes flitting over to her expectantly, and then filling with disappointment as he encountered the invisible wall between their minds. His momentarily broken expression made her want to tear the walls down and throw her arms around him, apologizing and trying to convey how truly sorry she was that she had done this to him. He probably thought that she had cut him off in distaste or discomfort at his feelings, but in truth she was only trying to help him. She just wanted him to be happy again, for things to be simple.
She didn't make her usual teasing remark about his bedhead, just turned back to Gabriel and said, "Zirdo abramig."
Dean entered soon after, immediately glancing back and forward between the two of them. Katrina put on her "no bullshit" face, and he shrugged, passing through towards the kitchen.
He returned a few minutes later, coffee in hand. He sat down at the table throwing Sam a look that Katrina couldn't decipher.
Castiel was still in bed. He was always the one of the three of them to sleep in, now that his nightmares had lessened.
"So, Kat," Dean said suddenly, "I was thinking-"
"Careful with that," Katrina quipped, "You might hurt yourself."
Dean scowled at her before continuing, "I was thinking that while we had some time to spare, we should try training you in combat, like, real combat. It won't be unlikely for Metatron to put wards up around where ever he has the portal now. We need to make sure you're secure enough with fighting when you're powerless. Not to mention, it doesn't hurt to be better at fighting, even when you do have your superhuman strength. Any other advantages we can give you would be better."
Katrina mulled it over, before nodding slowly, "I guess that makes sense. When should we start?"
"Well," a strange glint formed in his eyes, "That's up to Sam."
"What?" Sam looked up.
"Well, everyone knows I'm the better fighter, and I also tend not to fight fair. I figured you should start her off, and once she levels up some, she could square off against me."
"It doesn't count as being a better fighter if you fight dirty," Sam muttered angrily.
"This isn't karate kid, Sam. Honorable fighting gets you killed in our business."
Sam sighed, standing, "Fine. Well, we may as well start now. I usually work out in the mornings anyways."
Katrina bit her lip hesitantly. It was going to be hard to keep her mental guard up if she was busy keeping her physical guard up. Not to mention the difficulty Sam's proximity would cause. However, she couldn't refuse. She had made a sort of agreement with him that she wouldn't let this drive a wedge between them, at least outside of their heads. Sam didn't want things to be awkward, and neither did she. Thinking of an idea, she turned to Gabriel.
"Do you think you could recreate the wards that Metatron used to make me powerless?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Well, I figured it'd be more helpful to train for when I'm powerless by actually being powerless."
"Alright," Gabriel smirked, leaning in, "But what are you gunna do for me in return?" he purred.
Katrina resisted rolling her eyes as Sam and Dean both let out noises of disgust.
Katrina decided to just roll with it, "I'm sure I could think of something," she smiled, "I do have a lot of freetime."
Gabriel grinned back at her, jumping up, "Well then, your wish is my command."
Katrina observed the empty padded room, now with a few symbols painted on the walls. Gabriel finished the last one with a flourish before the jar of what Katrina hoped was red paint disappeared. But that was probably unlikely. Just as before, she felt the spark of her powers go out. She held down the panic this time though, taking deep breaths.
"How did Metatron find wards that worked on me anyways?" She asked.
"Well," Gabriel said, "If he had enough time to really study your composition, it wouldn't be very hard for him. He is the scribe of God after all, symbols and scripts are kind of his thing."
"Hmm… I had only met him once for a brief second though…" Katrina said thoughtfully. Then it came to her, "Oh!" she gasped, "The blade! One of his angel cronies stabbed me in the back with it. I dropped it and then Metatron took it. I figured he just wanted the weapon."
"Yeah well, blood would certainly do it."
"I wonder what else he could do with my blood…" she said thoughtfully.
"Hopefully we won't have to find out," Sam entered, wearing basketball shorts and a sleeveless shirt. Katrina swallowed, tearing her eyes away from his fantastic physique. God damn. She groaned internally.
This had to be more proof of the inescapable truth about Sam's feelings for her. If you didn't count the angel thing, he was way out of her league. Hell, Castiel had been too. It was like being a supernatural creature boosted your overall appeal.
Now, she wasn't ugly. She knew that. There was no self-loathing in the way she rated herself. She just accepted her overall averageness. She had potential, of course, Anyone could look hot with the right amount of makeup, hair styling, and flattering clothes. She was like a blank canvas; what she wore was directly related to how good she looked. She wasn't particularly curvy, or skinny. In comparison to Sam's chiseled body, she was just plain squishy. She had never grown out of a B cup, and she didn't have exotically colored eyes. She was just… plain. And that was okay. Not every woman was a supermodel.
But Sam? Sam was anything but plain and average. He was tall and broad shouldered, with a sculpted jaw line and a very sculpted body. He somehow managed to pull off the long hair that Katrina usually wrote guys off for, and made it look hot. His eyes were a gorgeous hazel that seemed to be made of a million colors, and his smile could break your heart as easily as his sad, puppy dog eyes. He could probably go to a club and have at least twenty girls on him like a magnet within ten minutes.
Yeah. Way out of her league.
But his face said otherwise as his gaze scraped over Katrina's body as well. She looked down at herself self-consciously. She was wearing a workout tank top and yoga shorts. Nothing revealing or flattering really. The hunger in Sam's eyes though was unmistakable. Katrina flushed red, forcing herself to turn away from him.
"Well," Gabriel said, causing both of them to start, "I'll just let you two get to it then."
"Right, seeya," Katrina said, flustered. When he was gone, she made herself face Sam again, who looked about as embarrassed as she did.
"Well," he finally said after a few seconds of silence, "Let's start out with stretching then."
"Stretching?" Katrina asked, "We won't really have time for stretching before fighting angels, will we?"
"No, but we do now. So we're stretching." Sam's tone suggested that there was no room for discussion. It was different from the tone of voice he usually took, his gentleness vanished.
The stretches were simple enough. She could remember most of them from the dance classes she had taken while she was younger.
When they were done, he wrapped her hands in cloth and took a couple steps back from her.
"We'll start with the basics. Get into your fighting stance."
Katrina did so, but Sam was immediately shaking his head. He stepped forward, "You have to bring your elbows in," he pushed them closer together, "to keep your core blocked." He placed his hands on her shoulders and pushed down, "And you wanna bend over a little. Give your opponent a smaller target." His face was void of emotion, calculating. It was like his hunting mode-simplified, focused on the task at hand. It was kind of a relief. If Sam could keep his thoughts objective, so could she. "Your stance is too wide." He pushed her shoulder, causing her to stumble backwards, "See?"
They worked on this for a few minutes, getting to the point where she could hold her stance steadily without losing her balance. He was very commanding, almost like a drill sergeant. Katrina made a mental note. Apparently Sam was rather dominant. Then she shook that off. Those were not mental notes she needed to be making.
"You didn't stand like this when you were fighting demons," Katrina said.
"You're going to train in professional fighting styles, which will help with any fighting you do in the future, even if you can't be this precise. Dean will deal with the more spur of the moment techniques."
"Okay."
"Moving on," he said, "I want you to punch me."
"Punch you?" Katrina asked hesitantly.
"Yep, as hard as you can."
"Where?"
"Go for the face."
"You want me to punch you in the face?"
"Katrina..." Sam said impatiently.
"Okay okay I get it," Katrina said, "I'll punch you in the face."
Sam was a great deal taller than her, so she had to extend pretty far to reach him, but she got what she thought was a pretty good blow to his jaw. His face rolled with her fist before turning back to look at her.
"Sorry!" Katrina squeaked, her eyes wide.
"Why are you apologizing?" he quirked an eyebrow. He seemed absolutely fine. "You just did what I told you to do."
"I know… I just… shouldn't we be using a punching bag or a pillow or something?"
"You're going to have to know how to work around people, not punching bags."
"Right. Okay. I'll shut up now."
Sam nodded, "I have a couple of notes. First off, since you are so much shorter than me, it would be better to take an uppercut shot than trying to get me from the side. That way, you can get more force in, and you won't have to extend yourself so much, leaving your center vulnerable." He then went into her posture and her grip and many other things that Katrina didn't even know went into throwing a punch.
This and other things went on for hours, leaving Katrina's muscles burning and weak. She was so unused to the fatigue, but she kept going under Sam's orders until he announced that they were done for the day.
"Well, we could work for weeks on technique, but it's not going to mean much until you're a bit stronger. Being able to punch correctly doesn't help if you can't pack any power behind it." Sam said when they were done.
"Yeah," Katrina said, embarrassingly out of breath, "Maybe I'll come in here and lift weights at night."
"Sounds good," Sam nodded. His drill sergeant demeanor slipped off and he smiled, "You did a good job, you're learning fast."
Katrina's response got stuck her in throat as he smiled down at her. Was her heart beating irregularly or was it just from all of the work? She couldn't tell. Sam's smile faded and was replaced with a look of concern. Katrina kicked herself mentally, coughing awkwardly. "Yeah, uh, thanks."
When they left the room, Katrina felt her strength flood back into her. She sighed in relief as the ache in her muscles began to subside. Sam announced that he was going to take a shower and they split.
Katrina changed her clothes and cleaned herself up before walking into the library. Dean was in there, alone. He looked up from his breakfast before grinning.
"How did your training go?"
Katrina cocked an eyebrow, "Good…" she said warily.
"Really? That's good, very good," Dean said conspicuously.
"Dean, what's going on?"
"Nothing nothing," Dean said, "Just glad that you and Sam are doing well."
Oh. So that was it.
Katrina sighed, "Dean…"
"What? Nothing sets the mood like adrenaline, physical contact, and skimpy clothing," he gave her a once over, "I'm assuming you wore something skimpy, you're sensible enough for that. And then there's that whole teacher student dynamic," he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.
"Dean. Stop. It's not going to happen."
"Why not? He likes you, you like him, you're both consenting adults…"
"I do not like him. Not like that. Sam is my friend."
"Right. And that's why you gaze at him with big lovey dovey eyes everyt ime he's in the room, drooling," he put his hands under his chin, batting his eyelashes dramatically.
"I do not!" Katrina snapped.
"Wow, it's almost like you believe your own lies."
"Shouldn't you be worrying about something else?" Katrina said angrily, "Like Castiel? You haven't even talked to him about it, have you?"
Dean's face dropped to a scowl, "There's nothing to talk about."
"Right. And I'm the one who's in denial."
"I'm not in denial! Even if in some crazy parallel universe I did like Cas, there still wouldn't be anything to talk about!"
"Why not? How would there be nothing to talk about?"
"There just wouldn't be!" Dean crossed his arms, completely closed off.
Katrina sat on the table, staring at him. Dean looked anywhere but her face, but she didn't waver. Finally he was forced to meet her eyes. His eyes betrayed the glimmer of pain and guilt that his face concealed.
"You do deserve to be happy, you know," Katrina murmured, "And so does Castiel."
"I never said that Cas didn't deserve to be happy," Dean snapped, "You're the one who screwed that up."
Katrina smiled sadly, "He wasn't happy with me. Not really. Not anywhere near as happy as you would make him."
"Don't be stupid Kat."
"Contrary to what you may believe, you don't destroy everything you touch. I've seen you two together… I've read about it too. You make each other whole. I knew that, even before I knew that you loved him."
Dean didn't deny it this time, just ground his teeth.
"Just because you managed to seduce him, doesn't mean Cas is any different than he was before. He isn't like that... he doesn't…"
"What?" Katrina said incredulously, "Love? Do you even know Castiel? Of course he loves. He loves with everything he is. He's just clueless about it. He doesn't know how to differentiate between family love, friendship love, and romantic love! You have to show him the difference! You think he just realized that he liked me? I basically had to spell everything out for him. The only thing that really pushed him towards me was human instinct, not love. So don't even try to say that he isn't into sex either, because I can tell you that that is one hundred percent not even a little bit true."
Dean grimaced, "Yeah, well… what if I don't love?"
"Don't be stupid Dean. Nobody has ever loved anybody like you love Sam."
Dean was silent for a moment, contemplating, before, "I'm straight Kat."
Katrina scoffed, "Dean, if you were straight, you would have pulled that argument out way in the beginning. Now is way too late to pull out the no homo card."
"Well I'm not gay. I like women." Dean said stubbornly.
Katrina rolled her eyes, "You ever think that maybe you like both?"
Dean scoffed, "That's not possible."
"Sure it is. I do."
Dean gaped at her, "You're a lesbian?"
"No! That's my point Dean. People aren't always just gay or straight. I'm bisexual, and it looks like you are too."
"Why didn't you tell us?"
Katrina rolled her eyes, "It's not like it was relevant. What was I supposed to do? Introduce myself like, 'Hi, I'm Katrina and I like boys and girls'?"
"So, if you weren't with Cas, there's a chance you may have ended up with Charlie?"
"No. Charlie is human. We've already discussed this."
"You don't seem like a lesbian."
"One: I'm not a lesbian. Two: There is no 'seem.' Not all people fit into stereotypes, Dean. Liking men doesn't make you girly or weak, and me liking girls doesn't make me 'butch.' Life becomes a lot easier when you just accept who you are and don't worry about labels. Just love who you love and accept it."
"Sounds like what I was trying to tell you."
"I don't love Sam. Now stop bugging me and sort out your own love life. Just talk to him."
"I'll think about it," Dean grumbled, looking away.
Katrina smiled, "Good." She stood up, bending over and giving him a light peck on the cheek, "I wish you the best of luck."
As she left, she heard Dean say to himself, "Bisexual…" As if he were trying out the new word on his tongue, "Huh."
"So, you've had girlfriends then?"
Katrina straightened up from the fridge, water bottle in hand, and turned to see Dean behind her in the kitchen doorway. She shifted self-consciously. She had been too exhausted to change out of her workout clothes.
"Yes," she said patiently.
Dean had been grilling her with questions like this for the last three days. Up until now, they had all been objective and vague questions about bisexuality in general. This was the first time he had asked about anything personal.
"Did you always know?"
"No. I was a bit sheltered as a kid. I didn't even know it was possible for people to like the same gender until I was like fifteen and my pastor started preaching about it in church. I hadn't really had any feelings about boys at that point either though. When I finally… 'blossomed,' I guess, into a teenager with sexual urges and stuff, I just found myself thinking about girls and boys. Of course, I didn't do anything about it for the longest time. My mom would never have been okay with it, religious nut that she was."
"Sounds like my dad," Dean was drumming his fingers on his thigh, "What was it like? The first time."
"Well… I was in college, and I met this gorgeous girl. She was…," Katrina smiled, "wonderful. Luckily for me, she was a lesbian, and was into me even though she was totally out of my league. When we were together… I finally felt whole. Like I was finally getting a chance to be who I really was. I couldn't believe that I had ever considered limiting myself to guys."
Dean mulled this over, "So… Do you feel like you wouldn't be whole if you were with a guy for the rest of your life then? Would you feel like there was something missing?"
Katrina shook her head, "No, that's not what I meant. I didn't mean that it was vaginas that kept me whole or anything. I just couldn't believe that I might have passed up the opportunity to have something as amazing as I had with her because of some preconceived notion of what love is supposed to be. I really loved her, a lot. What we had was real, even if my mother and the entire church would have treated me like a pariah and condemned me to eternal damnation if they ever found out. That was the hardest part, hiding who I was. When you love someone, you don't want to hide it, you want to shout it out to the world. And even though it didn't work out in the end, obviously, I don't regret it. I couldn't stand the idea of missing out on loving her because I thought I wasn't allowed to love her."
This seemed to strike something in Dean. He nodded thoughtfully, fiddling with his car keys.
"Thanks," he finally said, "I know this kind of stuff is pretty personal. I appreciate your honesty."
"I'm happy to help Dean."
"You're pretty wise you know," he said offhandedly, as if he wanted to pretend that he wasn't actually complimenting her, "I think you should really take your own advice. You don't want to miss out on loving someone just because you feel like you're not allowed to."
Katrina was too off guard to formulate her usual response, she just opened and closed her mouth soundlessly a few times.
"And you know," he continued, turning to leave, "You shouldn't sell yourself short. I don't think anyone is really out of your league if you want them."
Katrina didn't recover in time to say anything before he left.
Katrina doodled aimlessly on the edges of her paper, her eyes unfocused. She couldn't keep her mind focused on the Chinese symbols on the page. No matter what, her thoughts kept coming back to one thing.
You don't want to miss out on loving someone just because you feel like you're not allowed to.
Her pencil pressed harder against the paper, leaving a jagged dark line.
Dean didn't know what he was talking about. This was different.
This wasn't some basic question of morality and sexuality. The fact was, at some point in the future, she was going to lose Sam forever, and she wouldn't have a choice in the matter. And it would be forever, literally. Unless someone killed her. But even then, she would go on in purgatory, alone.
And even though it didn't work out in the end, obviously, I don't regret it. I couldn't stand the idea of missing out on loving her because I thought I wasn't allowed to love her.
Why the fuck did the two situations fit so perfectly? She was torn. Would a short period of happiness be worth the pain of it ending? Would it really be worse than an eternity having never had that happiness at all?
Of course, she reminded herself sternly, this was all hypothetical.
Even if she felt like she could, she didn't love Sam.
Even if he was smart, and sweet, and fierce, and gorgeous. Even if they easily seemed to fall into friendship so easily, like they were just on the same wavelength. It was exactly that, friendship. They really got each other, which was just important between friends as if was between lovers. Platonic relationships could be fierce and loyal too.
As she was thinking, Sam walked in, already in his training attire.
"You ready?" he asked, "Or do you want a few more minutes to study?"
"No," Katrina dropped her pencil and stood, "I'm ready."
She had been getting better and better at fighting as time went on. She might not have been very strong, but she was fast, and she was small. It was hard to get a blow on her. Unfortunately, if she was hit, it didn't take much to get her down.
"If anything, you'll at least be able to stay alive until one of us can come help you out," Sam had laughed. He had eased up considerably with the training once they got to the actual combat.
Katrina frowned sulkily. She still hadn't been been able to beat Sam yet.
"Well," Sam smiled, helping her up, "I've been fighting since I was eight years old."
This didn't make Katrina feel better. It just made her want to kick John Winchester's ass. On the scale of "How horribly and unhealthily can I deal with my spouse's death," he had her own mom beat, easily.
They were interrupted by a knock on the door frame. They turned to see Dean in his own work out clothes. If you could call them that. He was wearing a T-shirt and some sweatpants.
"Hey there," he smiled, "I'm not interrupting anything am I?"
"Nope," Katrina said, forcing her tone to stay light, though her eyes communicated with Dean that she was not in the mood for his shit.
"Nice outfit, Kat," Dean looked her up and down appreciatively. Katrina ground her teeth as he winked at her. Her top was shorter than her usual one. Honestly, she was pretty proud of the way it had become smoother and harder with all of her work, and she might have been showing it off a bit on purpose.
"Is there anything you want?" She said impatiently, "So we can get back to work?"
"Well," he said, "That's why I'm here. Figured it's time for Kat to fight the big boss."
Sam scoffed, rolling his eyes.
Dean ignored him, "So, whaddya think Kit Kat? You ready to take me on?"
Katrina frowned hesitantly, glancing at Sam. Sam just shrugged.
"Well… I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be," she sighed.
Next thing she knew, she was on the ground with her hands pinned above her head.
"What the hell?" she exclaimed, "You can't just tackle me out of nowhere like that!"
"I already told you Kat," Dean grinned, "This ain't about fightin' fair. Nobody in the real world is going to warn you before they attack you."
Katrina wedged her legs in between them and pushed him off of her. Dean rolled off. Katrina was pretty sure he let her do it on purpose.
The next minute was simply a scrambled attempt to survive as Dean threw underhanded attacks at her left and right.
She dodged to the left as Dean's hand shot towards her face, but apparently her face hadn't been his goal. Next thing she knew, she was being pulled back by her ponytail.
"You should really get that cut Kit Kat," Dean said smugly, "You're at a bit of a disadvantage."
Katrina let out a hiss of pain, but she couldn't let herself get taken down by some grade school technique.
She turned and brought a fist down on his elbow, forcing his hand up with her other hand. She spun away from him, moving so that she was on his left side. She jumped over a leg that he swept under her and flitted behind him.
She didn't know where the sudden idea came from, but before he had straightened back up from his crouch, she grabbed the bottom of his shirt, which was currently riding up on his back and jumped over him just as he was straightening up.
His shirt pulled up over his head and got stuck, bringing him down to the ground and effectively trapping his arms. Katrina twisted up the slack in his shirt, tightening it around his arms as he struggled. She pulled the cloth off of her hand and wound it around his wrists.
When she was done, she stood.
"Holy shit," Katrina looked up to see Sam looking at her in shock. Then, he burst out into laughter. "Oh my god!" he choked out, "You look ridiculous!"
Dean stood, pushing his shirt back down and discarding the cloth, his ears tinged red.
Katrina bit her lip nervously, "Sorry…?" she said anxiously, "You said no rules…"
"I know," Dean said through gritted teeth. "You won. Fair and square."
Katrina grinned, elated. Sam's laughter had faded into chuckles.
"That," he said, hitting Katrina lightly on the back, "Was amazing."
Katrina looked up at him, her smile dropping. An creeping heat blossomed in her chest and a lump formed in her throat as he smiled down at her.
"I-I have to go," she stuttered suddenly, "I just remembered, there's something I meant to do this morning."
"Wait, what?" Sam asked, but Katrina was already heading for the door.
"Sorry!" The moment she left the room, she took advantage of her wings and flew away.
Katrina was extremely glad that Dean was the one training her today instead of Sam. He was currently explaining to her all of the right places to bite someone and when each one was most effective. It was a very hands-on session, and Katrina didn't even want to start thinking about having her mouth on Sam for an extended period of time.
Sam.
Ever since Dean had taken over a few days ago, Katrina was ashamed to admit that she was avoiding Sam.
She hated herself for it, but she couldn't stay around him anymore. It was simply too confusing and distracting.
It was also terrifying.
She couldn't deny it anymore. There was… something more there now that there wasn't before. But the worst part was that she couldn't blame it on the bond. It was after she had cut him off that these feelings had started demanding her attention. If there was anything, it was one hundred percent real on her part. But Sam? She was still certain that Sam's feelings were artificial. He had been really professional, and didn't seem to be weighed down by his feelings at all anymore. Which, although it was her plan, made everything that much worse. Now, if she managed to sever the bond completely and Sam returned to his original self, she wouldn't be freed with him. Then she would be the one stuck with the unrequited affections.
Maybe it would be better for all of them if she just left.
"Kat! Are you listening to me?"
"Huh? No, sorry," Katrina said, flustered.
"You know what? Let's take a break, you're a bit off today."
Katrina nodded, relieved. Dean was a lot gentler than Sam was when it came to teaching. Sam never offered her a break. She grabbed her water and sat against a wall.
"Have you talked to Castiel yet?"
Dean grimaced and sat down next to her, "No. Not yet. Have you talked to Sam?"
Katrina raised an eyebrow, "Not yet? That's new. Normally you just say 'no.'" she imitated his gruff voice. "And no, I haven't."
"Well then, speaking of changes," Dean elbowed her lightly, "That's new for you. Normally you just say, 'There's nothing to talk about. I don't like him like that.'"
"I don't sound like that!" Katrina said in mock offense.
"Yeah you do."
Katrina rolled her eyes.
"So…" Dean said, "What changed?"
Katrina put her face in her hands, sighing.
"Come on Kat, just between us."
She didn't know why, but Katrina found herself giving in and explaining everything. When she finished, Dean stared at her for a few seconds before saying,
"So what?"
Katrina was taken aback, "What do you mean so what? It's not real. Aren't you supposed to be all Team Free Will and shit?"
Dean shrugged, "This is different. I mean, I've seen Sam under a love potion before. He wasn't himself at all. That was taking away his free will. You may have given him a bit of a supernatural push, but it's not like mind control or anything. His love is genuine, even if he didn't come up with it entirely on his own. His head is clear enough for him to make his own decisions. So, so what if it's not some perfect clean romance? I know that being with you would make Sam happy. Isn't that worth it?" Dean looked up at the ceiling, "And I think you guys would make a good couple, as far as couples go. You guys definitely seem to click better than you and Cas ever did, and I'm not just saying that because of my bias. I like you. You're so worried about not forcing him into something that you believe he wouldn't want. You're not like Ruby. She screwed with his head and his emotions to get her way. You're set on doing the exact opposite." he paused, twiddling his thumbs, "So, I say go for it. If it makes you feel better, tell him about your doubts and let him decide for himself. As long as you're giving him a choice, you're not taking away any of his free will."
Katrina bit her lip. "I'll think about it."
Dean chuckled, "Good."
Sam Winchester was cursed.
He knew it. There was no other explanation.
If there was some sort of creature that was the opposite of cupid, designed to keep people apart, or just royally screw up any kind of romantic situation that came up, it had chosen him and chained itself to him for his entire life.
And of course, it wasn't your typical, make the girl hate you or break up with you kind of thing.
No. It was always the worst things.
The girl he met when he was younger that turned out to be the daughter of the very flesh eating monster that his family was hunting (later killed by Dean, of course.). His college girlfriend, Jess, whom he witnessed burning on a ceiling, just as his mother had. He had been planning on asking her to marry him. Never again, he had told himself. But of course, his anti-cupid wouldn't have any of that. After all, if he stopped falling in love, how would it continue to torture him?
There was the girl who turned out to be a werewolf, whom he had to kill himself. There was the art expert. She had been different. He had really thought that maybe she would turn out okay. She would always be the one who survived.
Except she didn't.
His anti cupid had finally caught her years later.
Death followed in his wake for years, and he couldn't bare to even think of their names because Sam Winchester caring about you was the worst danger you could ever be in and he was always irrationally scared that somehow he could still hurt them while they were in heaven. Maybe thinking about them would get them sent to hell.
Until there was Amelia. It was then that he learned that his anti cupid was not out to get the people he loved, just him.
Because it didn't kill her. Instead it miraculously brought back her supposedly dead husband.
Because the anti cupid knew what was important to Sam and when.
It was when his main purpose in life to save people that it killed the ones he loved. And when all he cared about was finding comfort for his loss of Dean in someone who understood, the anti cupid took that away in the worst way possible. He had to watch her get the hole in her soul filled while his stayed empty, and then he lost her in the process.
He should have known better than to let himself get interested in the angelic creature that made her home in the bunker. He had known better. At one point, he had resolved to keep his thoughts away from her.
His anti cupid would never let him be so lucky.
Instead he found himself attached to her in the most intimate way possible, and he was forced to see and feel how wonderful and beautiful and awe inspiring she was whenever they were in the same room together. It was always there shining blindingly bright in his face, and really, how could he help himself? He had fallen for her, deeply, like the stupid, cursed idiot that he was.
And, well, she could never love him back. She had made that clear. Even if she somehow developed feelings for him, she would never act on them.
Just like him, she was cursed to be alone. Only she had to deal with it for much longer than he did.
Sam knew that knowing you couldn't have something only made you want it more.
So he spent his days pining after her, watching her with Castiel, miserable. Luckily, she was somehow completely oblivious despite their connection. That was, until a few weeks ago. And when she had found out she had been so horrified that she had burst into tears. He had never imagined that being loved could hurt someone so much, but her pain had stabbed him like a rusted knife in the chest.
"I'm sorry," he had said. And he was. There was nothing he wanted more than to make his feelings go away, and not for himself, but for her. He didn't want to hurt and confuse her. He just wanted things to be simple.
Now they were anything but simple. Katrina wouldn't look at him for more than a second now outside of their small, makeshift gym. She always had her nose in a book, or was bent over papers. He had stopped trying to connect with her. They were amicable during training, almost as if there was nothing strange between them. Except every once in a while when Katrina would get a strange look on her face. But he couldn't expect everything to be perfectly normal. He could handle rejection like a man.
Or at least, that's what he told himself.
All such thoughts vanished when she started leaving whenever he entered the room. He never saw her anymore. She trained with Dean now instead of him, and when she wasn't in the gym with him, she was in some foreign country. At first he thought he was imagining it, but there was no doubt now that she was avoiding him.
This had to stop. He couldn't take it. If they were going to live in the same bunker, they were going to have to be civil.
So, when Katrina came back late one night, Sam was waiting for her. She seemed surprised for a second, before her eyes glazed back over to their indifferent stare and she began to turn away.
"Kat, stop."
She froze, stiffening.
"Yes Sam?" She said innocently.
"We need to talk."
"About what?"
"You know exactly what."
"Oh. Well. You're wrong then. We don't need to talk about that at all."
"Katrina!" Sam said loudly. She flinched at the anger in his voice.
"Fine." She turned to face him, "Say what you need to say." Her arms were crossed, and her face was void of emotion.
Sam took a deep breath, then set off, "I thought we had agreed that we were going to be civil. That things weren't going to be weird. But now, you've completely shut me off, you won't look at me, you won't talk to me, you won't even stay in the same room as me and it's not okay. I get that my feelings make you uncomfortable, or upset you, but doing this isn't going to make them go away. We were friends. Good friends. We understood each other. Are my feelings for you really that revolting? I don't know what happened. A couple weeks ago, it meant so little to you that you could tease me about it. Now you act like I don't exist!"
Katrina just stared at him.
"Well, aren't you going to say anything?"
"What do you want me to say Sam?" Katrina said calmly.
"I want you to tell me what happened! What did I do?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?" Sam said incredulously.
"Nothing."
"Then what changed?" Sam asked, frustrated, "What made you so afraid of me?"
"I'm not."
Sam was about to tear his hair out, "Can you please just give me a straight answer? Just tell me what's going on. What made my feelings for you so unbearable?"
"I'm not any more worried or scared of your feelings than I was before Sam. It's not you."
"Then what is it? What are you afraid of?"
Katrina's indifferent mask chipped for just a second, her mouth twitching down into a panicked frown. Sam took the moment to his advantage. He leapt forward, grabbing Katrina's hand and pushed through with all of the mental force he could muster.
He could feel Katrina scrambling to shield herself, to think of anything else, but it wasn't enough. Sam broke through her defenses like a sledgehammer.
And that's when he found it. Her fear swept through her. But it wasn't a fear of him, it was a fear of being discovered, a fear of herself. Katrina wasn't afraid of his feelings.
She was afraid of her own.
Shit.
All of that work, for nothing.
She'd been found out. And the joy that was sweeping through Sam at his discovery made her want to crawl into a hole and die.
"You love me," he murmured softly, like he was afraid that saying it too loudly would break something.
"No, I don't." Katrina shook her head, stepping away.
Sam's nostrils flared. "You can't lie to me Kat. You love me and we both know it. So why-"
"It's not real Sam!" Katrina nearly shouted.
"What?"
"It's not real. You don't really love me. You should never have started loving me. It's because of our connection!"
"What on earth are you talking about?"
"Our souls had too much contact with each other. Gabriel told me about it. It's why I cut you off, because you were wrong. Shutting you out will make it go away. You couldn't help it Sam, you never got a choice. Our bond was just too strong."
Sam shook his head, "I liked you long before the bond thing started, you know that. And nobody ever gets to choose who they fall in love with."
"It was just a little crush. It was the bond that made it stronger. You would have gotten over the crush, you would have lost interest in me. But the bond was like adding gasoline to the flame. It's not real Sam."
Sam was still shaking his head.
"Don't you understand?" Katrina begged, "I'm trying to set you free!"
"You can't just set me free from this Katrina, it's not a curse! It's all real! You think I don't know the difference?"
"How could you love me Sam? " Katrina asked exasperatedly, "You hardly even know me."
"That's bullshit," Sam said firmly, "Nobody knows you better than me."
Katrina snorted in disagreement, but Sam spoke over her loudly.
"I know that you love cinnamon because it reminds you of when your dad used to make you cinnamon toast in the morning. I know that orange is your favorite color because it looks like a sunset. I know that you wanted to be a broadway star long before you wanted to be a psychologist, and that you wanted to be a psychologist so that you could do a better job than yours ever did. I know that your worst fear is becoming something awful and evil, and not just because something drove you insane and made you turn into something you aren't, but because it was inside of you all along just waiting to come out. But I also know that that would never happen, because you are one of the only genuinely good people I have ever met. You go to hospitals to heal kids who are dying. You stuck around to help out a group of humans that include a man who gave up eternity with you for another man who is also there, and another man who is hopelessly in love with you even though it hurts you. You offered to heal me when you barely even knew me, and again even after you knew about the side effects. I know that watching people eat makes you smile, and so do happy couples in public. I know that you're brave and smart and caring and selfless and perfect and flawed in so many ways, and I know that you love me," he paused, taking a deep breath, "and I know that that scares you. Not because you think that it isn't real or because you think that I'll get tired of you or stop loving you if the connection is broken, but because you're afraid that it'll be perfect, and that we'll be happy. And then you'll have to go through eternity without it." He ended quietly and gently.
Katrina was crying now, she couldn't hold the tears back.
"You're wrong... you're wrong," she choked out quietly, "I don't love you. I can't. I can't."
Sam wiped the tears away from her face and pulled her in. He ran his fingers through her hair and rained kisses all over her face. He kissed every inch of her skin that he could. Her face, her neck, her shoulders.. Everywhere but her lips. He left those alone, waiting for her. Because that's who he was. He was the man who stopped flirting with her when he found out she was taken. He was the man who asked if he could touch her wings and stopped the moment she suggested he was taking advantage of her. He was the man who stopped her from taking off her clothes while she was drunk. He was the man who slept on the floor so she could have the bed. He was the man who was always willing to wait for her open up. And though he had forced the truth out of her, he would never force himself on her. She would always have a choice. He was giving her a choice, even now as he murmured softly to her both mentally and out loud.
You're perfect... so beautiful. I love you, I love you, I love you.
Katrina's breath stuttered as her heart thundered in her ears. The remainder of her walls crumbled. The things she had kept from Sam, and herself, came pouring out.
Sam Winchester. She loved him. God help her, she loved him.
She pulled up a shaking hand to the back of his head, holding him still. She pressed their foreheads together, their noses brushing. Sam held still, letting her take control. Their breath mingled, passing through their lips, mere centimeters apart.
I love you.
She didn't know which of them had said it, but it sent her keeling forward, her lips crashing into his. She melted into him, physically and mentally.
God, kissing Sam was amazing.
She could feel the heat coming from him, and he could feel it from her. It passed back and forward, building and building. They were like stepping stones for each other, stacking higher and higher for them to climb. He bit down on her lip, causing her to gasp.
Then the heat was even hotter. His arousal at her reaction bounced back and forward, growing like a snowball into a completely unwarranted amount for such a small thing.
It was too much.
She couldn't think straight. Everything was Sam. Everything was the both of them. She couldn't tell where she stopped and Sam began. She was acutely aware of a wall pressed against her back. She was much more aware of the tension pooling in her core, and she realized that if didn't stop now, there was a very strong chance that she would never stop. She didn't know how she did it, but she managed to break away. Leaving Sam gasping for breath in her wake. She scolded him and herself silently.
You need to breathe you idiot.
Forgot. Was Sam's short reply as he moved his lips down her jawline to her neck.
Sam... I can't think... I need..
Then don't think.
Katrina groaned as he bit down on her collar bone.
"Sam," she said feebly, "Sam stop. Please." She pushed at his shoulders gently.
Sam pulled away reluctantly, disappointment flooding through him. Katrina pushed him a step back so that she was out of his arms. They stared at each other, chests heaving. It was taking all of the willpower both of them had to ignore the electricity crackling between them, trying to pull them closer.
"I need... I need time to think," Katrina said dizzily.
"O-Okay..." Sam replied, nodding, "I understand."
"You should go to bed..."
"Alright."
"Goodnight."
"Night."
Sam inched forward, bracing himself before placing a gentle kiss on her forehead.
Katrina's mouth twisted into a slight smile before he pulled away and went to his room.
She drooped against the wall sighing.
"I am so fucked."
Hey guys! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! We're getting closer and closer to the two hundred page mark! I know! I can hardly believe it.
So... I was considering adding a little something to the story. Sometimes I see authors on here listing the songs they listen to while writing for inspiration or whatever. I do have a playlist that I listen to. Is that something you guys would be interested in? Let me know! Maybe I'll do it at the end or just in one of the next chapters. Thanks for sticking with me this far! I really appreciate it! Lots of love!