I don't own Twilight.
Thanks once again to the gracious and lovely aurellacullen for her beta work on this story. My betas go above and beyond with their assistance and advice. I am very blessed.
This chapter is still a continuation of the year in Bella's life which started in chapter 9.
Beginning with this chapter, we will have a little EPOV at the end, usually in the form song lyrics.
*************P*S*************
Chapter 11
-Spring-Bella, age 16 years…
The closer it got to spring break, the more anxious I felt. I wasn't sure exactly why.
Well, I had a suspicion.
Even though it was almost April, there was still a chill in the air; and as I sat on the porch, I clutched my cup of hot cocoa for warmth. Next week was spring break and I had a whole week off of school, the entirety of which I would be spendin' with Edward and his family.
I thought back to the last time I was in Pennsylvania and swallowed hard when I remembered havin' sex for the first time.
The only time...
I shook my head in an effort to clear those thoughts away.
I had returned from that visit, a nervous wreck. My attention wandered in class, I burned more than one dinner because I was distracted and not payin' attention, and I didn't finish a single conversation with my Daddy because I couldn't stand to be in his company for long. The guilt of what I'd done was almost cripplin'; and all I could think of as I looked at his face, was how he would react to news that his sixteen year old daughter might be pregnant.
In the end, I think he chalked my odd behavior up to havin' spent a very emotional and distressin' Christmas with the Cullens.
Eight days.
From the time my plane touched down in Richmond, until I finally got my period, I had to live through eight long, miserable days.
Durin' that time, Edward phoned me every mornin' and every night before I went to bed. He told me over and over how much he loved me; reassurin' me that everythin' would be okay.
"Bella, please stop worrying, you'll make yourself sick." He said, the distress evident in his voice. "I'm coming down next weekend, and if things haven't changed, we'll take a test okay?"
"Okay," I answered in a meek voice.
I knew he was worried. He tried his best to hide it, but I knew.
"I love you, Bella. Everything will work out; you'll see. If… well, if…" he didn't need to spell out what he was thinkin'
"If there's a baby…"
"We can get married, and you can move up here and go to school with me."
In the past, I would have thought that gettin' married at sixteen was a completely ridiculous idea. Now, when I considered bein' married to Edward, it didn't seem quite so absurd.
After all, this was the boy who knew me better than anyone else in the entire world. I loved him with my whole heart, and when he told me that everythin' would be okay, I had to believe him.
But then I would think of my Daddy bein' all alone if I left, and the melancholy would creep back in.
The mornin' after that conversation with Edward, I was awoken with cramps which I'd never been so thankful to have. I phoned him soon after to tell him the good news that my monthly visitor had arrived. I woke him up, but knew he didn't mind. He sounded as relieved as I felt.
After our euphoria had subsided, he spoke in a quiet voice. "Is it crazy that I feel a little disappointed?" He paused. "I mean, aside from being scared shitless," he admitted with a chuckle, "there were times during the last week that I wanted it. I wanted it so badly, Bella."
I took a deep breath. "I know what you mean. I could picture our baby in my mind's eye. He looked like you."
There was complete silence for a long moment before he answered. "Someday."
I smiled even though he couldn't see me over the phone. "Yes, someday."
Edward never made it down that weekend as he'd planned. He was stuck at home, while I was stuck in Waverly, as the entire East coast from Atlanta to Boston was blanketed in snow.
We continued to speak on the phone, and I could tell that he was slowly sinkin' back into a depression; similar to the way he'd been just prior to Christmas.
"So, have you gone out to play in the snow yet?" He asked, tryin' to deflect my attention after I'd asked how he was doin'.
"Actually I did." I told him with a giggle. Truth was, I loved the snow. "I made a snow angel."
I could hear his smile through the phone. "Wish I could have seen that."
That afternoon I made another angel and had Daddy take my picture with my new cell phone, sendin' it immediately to Edward.
Although we spoke all the time, I didn't get to see him again until the weekend of Valentine's Day. Edward came down on Saturday and left the next day; his mother wantin' him to drive durin' the daylight hours only. As soon as he pulled into our driveway, I flew off of the porch and into his arms. I doubt that my feet even touched the ground before my legs and arms were wrapped around him, my lips against his, kissin' until we were both breathless.
I don't know if it was that affectionate display which caused my Daddy to stay close to home all weekend, but the only times Edward and I got to be alone was when he took me out to dinner and, obviously, when I snuck downstairs for a late night make out session on the sofa where he was sleepin'.
Neither one of us let things go too far; the possibility of my Daddy findin' us was too horrifyin' to consider, nor was there any alcohol this time to lessen my inhibitions.
Now, as I sat on the porch nursin' that cup of cocoa, I thought about the week, or rather week and a half ahead. Easter was in four days and, as luck would have it, Edward and Alice's school had their spring break this week, while mine wasn't until next week.
Edward had begged his parents to allow him to come down and spend the entire week before Easter with me, but they had refused, sayin' that I was still in school and his presence would be an imposition. At least that's the story he gave me. I had a feelin' he was hidin' somethin'.
In the end, they decided to let him drive down today.
We would have three days together in Waverly before drivin' back to Pennsylvania together on Saturday mornin'. I would then be spendin' a whole week with the Cullens.
I'd been home from school for over an hour, and the cup of cocoa in my hands had gone cold, when I spied Edward's car approachin'.
He barely had the door open before I was in the car, seated sideways across his lap while attackin' him with kisses.
"Mmm, you taste like chocolate." He murmured while smilin' against my lips.
"You taste like mint." I smiled back, knowin' he'd probably been poppin' Tic Tacs durin' his trip. I was also not so naïve that I didn't know that he often used breath mints to cover the smell of alcohol.
"Missed you so much," he murmured into my hair.
I pulled away from him with a smile and led him inside.
"Smells good in here." He said in a scratchy voice.
"Beef stew's been in the crockpot all day, and I made homemade applesauce." I grinned as I slid a tray of biscuits into the oven.
He returned the smile before glancin' around awkwardly. "Where's the Chief?"
"He's at work," My words caused Edward to visibly relax. "But he'll be home any minute."
"Oh." I didn't miss the disappointment in his tone.
I wrapped my arms around his waist. "Why don't you stow your bag in my room while I set the table?"
Dinner was awkward. I'd only suspected before, but now I was certain that Daddy was worried about how 'close' Edward and I had gotten. He scrutinized our every touch; our every glance.
After dinner, he made a point of remindin' us both to leave the door open while we were in my room.
***P*S***
"When did your Dad start hating me?" Edward asked in a whisper as we lay across my bed on our stomachs, talkin' and listenin' to the radio.
"You know better than that, Edward. Daddy loves you. He just doesn't trust you right now." I was teasin', but Edward didn't smile.
"If he knew what I did, he'd probably kill me." He mumbled into his forearm.
"Stop it," I said, while bumpin' my shoulder against his. "I'm as guilty as you are, so he'd be just as mad at me."
Edward smirked. "Somehow, I doubt that."
I grinned and wrinkled my nose, "You're probably right. But he wouldn't be happy with me."
Edward nodded his head as he stared down at my bedroom floor.
I cleared my throat a little and leaned over 'til my lips were close enough to touch his ear, "So, uh, I was just wonderin' when can we do that again?"
Before I knew what was happenin', Edward had rolled onto his back and pulled me with him until I was lyin' across his chest. The movement was so sudden that I'd squeaked in surprise.
"Shh," he warned with a smile as I settled my chin against his chest while gazin' up toward his face.
"In answer to your question, I am hoping it will be very soon. But this time," he continued to whisper as he trailed his fingers through my hair. "I'm not going to put you at risk of being knocked up." He gave me a cheeky grin as I lightly smacked his chest.
"You have such a way with words, Mister Cullen."
He laughed lightly at my admonishment and wrapped his arms tighter around my body.
I loved the sound of his laughter. I'd heard it so seldom since October.
***P*S***
The next mornin' I awoke actually lookin' forward to school. Edward was goin' with me, and that fact alone made facin' the day ahead a lot more bearable.
It wasn't that I hated school or anythin', but from the time I was five years old, my entire life had seemed to center around the weeks I got to spend with the Cullens whether in Chincoteague or in Pennsylvania.
I suppose it didn't help that I'd never been a member of the 'popular' crowd. In the beginnin', I was passed over because I was quiet and didn't have the expensive clothes and shoes that the wealthy kids wore.
Later, after my 'makeover', courtesy of Esme, Alice and my mother, the popular kids had attempted to befriend me. I just couldn't bring myself to forget the times they'd been stand offish and more importantly, those times where they'd been downright cruel.
Thanks, but no thanks.
I did have one close friend, Cheryl. She moved to Waverly in ninth grade and was a bit of a loner like me. We were thrown together for a History project that year, and hit it off. We'd been friends ever since.
We had a few of the same classes, and sat together at lunch every day. Sometimes we were joined by our friend Cameron. He was really quiet, but I could tell he had a crush on Cheryl.
As Edward and I walked through the front doors of school, I couldn't help the thrill of excitement that surged through me. I also couldn't help but notice the stares from girls, and boys alike, as they watched us pass, hand in hand, headed toward the office so Edward could sign in.
The girls looked longingly at Edward, and a few, the ones who'd been exceptionally horrible to me, threw me particularly witherin' glares.
The boys just looked confused.
Part of me wanted to shout, "Yeah bitches, this is my boyfriend." But instead, I tightened my grip on Edward's hand and turned to smile toward him, only to find him watchin' me, a knowin' grin on his face.
He released my hand and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pullin' me into his side before kissin' the top of my head.
I wanted to swoon like one of those ladies in a romance novel.
"Bella, Edward is just….dayum." Cheryl whispered while we were in the ladies' room after lunch.
I laughed and shook my head, a little confused. "Cheryl, you've seen his photo."
"I know, but he's much better lookin' in person." She said with a giggle. "Y'all are adorable together, by the way. And let me tell you, you've ruined the bitch patrol's day."
I laughed at that, knowin' that she was right.
On Friday, one member of said bitch patrol even had the nerve to approach us durin' lunch. "Hey, Bella," Josie Hall, who regarded herself as the prettiest and most popular girl in our class, greeted me in a sweet, simperin' voice, "who's your friend?"
The way she looked at Edward made my stomach hurt.
Was she actually tryin' to flirt with my boyfriend?
Before I could answer, Edward spoke. "I'm her boyfriend, Edward Cullen." He stated in a no nonsense tone as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders.
Josie's expression faltered a little, but that didn't stop her from continuin'. "So, Edward, where do you go to school?"
"In Philadelphia. I graduate in a couple of months."
"Oh; wow," Josie actually had the nerve to sit down next to Edward and continue the conversation in a breathless voice.
I reckoned she was tryin' to sound sexy.
"I've looked into going to college up there, but I'll probably stick with one of the Virginia schools. There are so many to choose from here, after all." Josie actually giggled. I raised my eyebrows and just stared at her, wishin' she'd go away.
Edward nodded and looked back toward me, not willin' to get pulled into the conversation.
Josie reluctantly turned her attention to Cheryl and Cameron for a moment. "I heard you two are going to prom together."
"A-huh." Cheryl answered in a flat tone. She despised Josie.
Josie frowned and turned back toward Edward with a smile.
"So, are you taking Bella to prom, Edward?"
Ugh. Just hearin' her say my boyfriend's name makes me want to puke.
"Absolutely. Her's first, and then mine the following weekend," He turned to smile at me as he answered.
"Oh." Josie pursed her lips and gave me a sly look. "You know Bella; I thought for sure that you would go with Mark. I heard he asked you."
What was she playin' at?
The look of surprise on Edward's face made it obvious that Josie was hopin' to start trouble between us. He stared at me while clenchin' his jaw, and I knew I needed to diffuse the situation, fast.
I turned and looked into Edward's eyes as I answered her. "Mark did ask me, but I turned him down. You see, Josie, even if I couldn't have gone with Edward, I certainly wouldn't want to go with anyone else."
Edward grinned then, seemingly appeased, and lightly kissed my lips, not carin' if everyone in the cafeteria was watchin'.
I silently hoped we wouldn't get called to the office for our public displays of affection.
I heard Josie let out a huff. "Oh, okay then. Nice meeting you, Edward."
And then she was gone.
Edward looked at me with a self-satisfied smile as Cheryl tried, and failed, not to laugh.
***P*S***
Just like every time he'd come to visit since October, Edward's mood had alternated between quiet but seemingly happy, to tortured and despairin'.
The worst this time had been the night before we were due to drive back to Pennsylvania, when he had disappeared for almost an hour, goin' to his car to 'make a phone call'.
After he came back in the house smellin' of alcohol, I knew he'd lied to me.
I probably should have kept my mouth shut, because when I called him on the lie, he blew up and then refused to speak to me for the rest of the night.
Of course, he eventually apologized, but things were strained as we packed the car the next mornin'.
That incident would be nothin' compared to the way things would be once he got home. Durin' the ride to Pennsylvania, I watched as the black mood descended once again.
I honestly didn't know what to say to help him, so I just held his hand every now and then, tryin' to give him comfort in any way I could.
"Hello Bella," Esme was smilin' a real smile as she hugged me in the driveway. She and Alice must have been watchin' from the window, because Edward had no sooner put the car in 'park' before they were burstin' through the front door.
I giggled, thinkin' of the similar way I'd behaved whenever Edward arrived at my house.
After a quick lunch, I found myself in the back seat of Esme's Lexus, on my way to shop for a prom dress.
I found one I liked in the first shop we visited. It was short and black and was inexpensive enough that I didn't feel guilty puttin' it on my Daddy's credit card. The problem was that Alice had determined that I needed two.
"No, Alice. I only need one dress."
"But Bella, you're going to two proms. You can't wear the same dress to both. If it's a matter of money…"
I gritted my teeth as I cut her off. "Stop it. I can, and will, wear the same dress to both. I like this dress, and even though I know my Daddy would be perfectly willin' to pay for two, I'm not goin' to do that. It's wasteful to buy somethin' and only wear it once."
"But.."
"Alice," Esme admonished in a quiet tone.
Alice frowned and glanced at her mother before lettin' out a breath. "Okay." She agreed dejectedly. "I suppose you could wear different accessories to change the look for each night?" She suggested with a hopeful smile, causin' me to roll my eyes before I nodded in agreement.
At the next shop, Esme pulled me aside while Alice was in the changin' room.
"Bella, may I speak with you for a moment?"
"Of course," I said as I took a seat beside her near a display of weddin' gowns.
"How has Edward been these last few days?" Her eyes were tight with worry.
I bit my lip, wonderin' if I should mention the drinkin'. "He's been okay."
Esme took a deep breath and eyed me cautiously. "He's been drinking; sometimes quite heavily from what we can tell. His grades have faltered as well. Needless to say, his teachers have been very understanding and are trying to work with him." Her lip trembled then, as her eyes filled with tears. "We considered not letting him go to Virginia at all this past week, but he promised to buckle down." She looked away from me, her tone wistful, "We know he's not doing any of this to hurt us, he's doing it because he, himself, is hurting, but he won't talk to us Bella."
She sniffled then and grabbed my hand, her watery gaze meetin' mine.
"When you're here, he's better."
My heart sank as I thought about how despondent Edward must be when we were apart, if what I'd been observin' was 'better'.
"I think he'd listen to you, if you were to bring this up."
I nodded slowly, watchin' her face.
"It's not like I expect you to report back to us. Just, anything; anything you can do to help him…" She trailed off and let go of my hand in order to dab her eyes with a tissue.
"I look in his eyes and it's as if the Edward I knew isn't there anymore. Sometimes it feels as if I lost two children that night, instead of one."
"Oh, Esme." I was cryin' as well by this time and as I wrapped my arms around her shoulders, I caught sight of Alice watchin' us from the doorway of the changin' room, tears trailin' down her cheeks.
Two hours and two shops later, and we were finally headed back home; Alice in possession of what she deemed "the perfect prom dress".
My school, bein' rather small, always combined the junior and senior proms into one. Not so at Edward and Alice's school.
As luck would have it this year however, they'd decided to do precisely that, and I was thrilled that Alice and her date would be attendin' alongside Edward and me.
Even though Esme's spirits appeared to be lighter than they had been in December, she still had a sadness in her eyes that I doubted would ever go away. She also seemed to tire very easily.
As soon as we got back to the house, she slipped upstairs to take a nap before dinner.
While Alice chatted on her phone with Ryan, the boy who was takin' her to prom, but whom she refused to call her boyfriend, I went in search of Edward.
It took some time to find him, but eventually I did. He was seated on a wooden lounge chair on the back patio, starin' blankly toward the trees that filled the massive yard.
My heart sank as I took in his bleak expression, and I wished I hadn't left him to go shoppin'.
"Hey," I called out softly as I approached.
He glanced in my direction before sittin' up and movin' so that he was straddlin' the chair. He reached down and patted the space in front of him.
A moment later, I was seated with my back against his chest. We stayed like that for a while, the smell of alcohol on Edward's breath impossible to deny.
Coward that I was, I'd been puttin' off this conversation for far too long, thinkin' that Edward would get better, and the drinkin' would stop on its own.
In the past, I'd skirted the issue, afraid of bein' the recipient of his bad mood.
I had been so foolish.
"Edward," I whispered.
"Hmm," He murmured from beside my ear, where his chin rested on my shoulder.
"How's the counselin' goin'?"
He took a ragged breath and released it. I felt his shoulders shrug against me. "I don't know."
What?
Knowin' that this was goin' to be just as difficult as I'd feared, I decided to change my approach. "Where did you get the liquor, Edward?"
"My closet; why?"
"Um, well, it appears to me that you've been drinkin' a lot since…" I swallowed hard. "since October."
Edward chuckled bitterly. "What's your point Bella? I used to get it from Dad's stash but he found out and hid it. I found it again, but have been very careful about how much I take." I turned to find him smirkin'.
"And besides, it's not like I get it all from him. It's no trouble to get liquor, Bella. It's not difficult to get anything if you have the money."
I gasped in surprise at the implication.
"You mean…"
"Let's just say that I have my ways. It's not like I can always have you around to make me feel better."
His right hand slipped under my shirt then and began to caress the skin as it inched its way toward my chest. When his warm lips brushed against my neck, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, relaxin' into his touch. I was almost distracted enough to forget what we were talkin' about.
Focus, Bella.
My eyes shot open and I placed my hand over his through the fabric of my top, haltin' his movement.
"Edward," I paused. "I wish I could be with you all the time, but I can't." It was now or never. "I haven't said much before, but I should have. I'm worried about your drinkin'. You have to know that it's not the best way to handle what you're goin' through."
Edward immediately pulled his arms from around me, "And you would know this how, Bella?" he snapped. "My only other option is to take the 'happy pills' Dad has offered." He leaned in close and his scowl deepened. "I don't want to be happy, Bella. Not that way. I'd rather be numb."
He picked up a bottle from where it was hidden beside his chair and took a long draught before smirkin' at me again. "As soon as you've been responsible for someone's death, and you've found a way to live with that, you can tell me all about how to do it; until then, but out."
My mouth fell open in surprise at his tone, but I couldn't find it in me to be angry.
I knew he was in pain.
"Don't look at me like that," he turned away and glared toward the house. "Tell me the truth; did my Mother put you up to this?"
I shook my head, "Not really," I reached to place my hand on his arm and was gratified that he didn't pull away. "But she and your Dad are concerned. She said you're not focusin' on your schoolwork or anythin' that's important."
His eyes went wide in surprise as he jerked his arm away. "Are you fucking kidding me?" He went to stand from the chair, pullin' me with him because I was in the way. Then he stood before me, his whole body shakin' with anger as he ran his hands furiously through his hair. "I can't believe she told you about that."
"Edward, I…"
He held his hand up to stop me. "No, Bella. I don't want to hear it. I'm a failure at everything. I couldn't even keep my brother safe. He was such a good kid," His voice broke with emotion, "you'd better believe that Daniel never had the wrong types of friends." He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. "He didn't hang around with assholes like Jamie."
I tried to touch his arm again but he pulled away.
"But wasn't it bad enough that you already knew all that without having to learn about yet one more way I'd let my parents down?" He blew out an angry breath. "Just… fuck it." He muttered before stormin' into the house.
It was the second time that day that I was reduced to tears.
I let him have his space, but when he still hadn't emerged from his room by supper, I quietly fixed a tray and took it up to him.
Surprisingly, I found his door unlocked. The sight which greeted me upon openin' it, liked to have broken my heart.
He was seated on the floor with his back against the bed; his shoulders hunched, his chin on his chest, and his knees drawn up with both arms restin' on them. He didn't turn towards me when I entered; and it wasn't until I got close, that I saw he was wearin' ear buds.
As soon as he sensed movement, he turned his head and looked up at me, his face filled with regret. Before I could register what was happenin', he was on his feet, removin' the earbuds and takin' the tray to set it on the bed. He wrapped his arms around me until I was pressed against his chest.
"I'm sorry," there was utter despair in his tone. "I love you so much."
"I know," I soothed his back gently. "I love you too; otherwise I wouldn't worry about you."
"I know." He nodded furiously. "I didn't mean all that shit I said, Bella."
"I know that too, Edward, that's why I forgave you the moment those words left your lips."
He sighed. "You're the best part of my life."
"As you are mine."
***P*S***
I had to at least pretend that I'd be spendin' the night in Alice's room. But once her slow even breathin' indicated that she was asleep, I stole from her bed, movin' soundlessly down the hall to where I knew he was waitin' for me.
As soon as I'd closed and locked his door, I turned to find his hand reachin' out to me. I crawled swiftly under the covers and was immediately engulfed in a warm embrace. "I love you." He whispered.
"I love you too."
In his arms, it was easy to forget about everythin' that could steal the joy from our lives.
Addiction, death… denial.
Unlike the first time we made love, Edward's movements this time were slower, more careful as he kissed and caressed my overheated flesh, makin' sure through his words and his touch that I understood exactly how much I meant to him.
Before I knew it, our clothes were tossed aside and that was the exact moment when my nerves decided to kick in. "You're so beautiful." He murmured as my body tensed.
Sensin' my hesitation he trailed his fingers along my outer thigh from knee to hip, slowly, gently…
"Can you believe I'm more nervous than I was the first time?" I asked.
He released a low chuckle. "We're not drunk this time." He said before strokin' my cheek and kissin' me deeply. He paused after releasin' my lips. "Bella, we can wait…"
I shook my head. "No, just keep doin' what you're doin', I want this."
He smiled and kissed me again. "Relax," was the last thing he said before he began placin' open mouthed kisses on my sensitive skin. I could feel the nervousness melt away as I shut off my racin' mind and gave myself over to the way he made me feel.
"I think I've loved you all of my life," he murmured just before pushin' slowly into me. Not dulled by the effects of alcohol this time, I could feel, hear and see everythin'.
Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
and there it goes
I think I've found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe
I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life
Our movements, our whispered words, our moans of pleasure were all burned into my memory and I desperately held onto the hope that someday, in the not too distant future, we could be together every night.
Edward was the first one to speak as we lay, wrapped around one another, spent, exhausted, and driftin' slowly toward sleep. "I hate that we always have to say goodbye. I wish I could keep you with me forever."
There's just no rhyme or reason
only this sense of completion
and in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I'm searching for
I think I found my way home
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe
I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life
A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I found you
***P*S***
The next couple of days were peaceful, albeit somber. On Easter Sunday, I went with the family to visit Daniel's grave. Edward stayed behind, not able to face it.
Not yet.
I worried about leavin' him alone again, but he insisted that he'd be okay and the look in his eyes conveyed a promise that he wasn't goin' to drink while I was gone.
That week, I'd attended classes with Edward just as he'd done with me. At first, it was a little overwhelmin' to see so many students in one place, not to mention the size of the buildin' with its never-endin' maze of hallways. I would surely have needed a map to find my way around if I'd been alone.
And so, the week continued, as we settled into a comfortable coexistence durin' the day, denyin' the passion we felt for one another until the dark of night when we could be alone in his room.
There in the quiet stillness, as we lay together in his bed, I believed his whispered words of love and his hope for our future together, despite the naggin' fear which gripped my heart.
Sometimes we made love; it was still awkward as we got better acquainted with one another's bodies. This was a foreign world to us both, but somehow the need to be with him in that way was stronger than any embarrassment I might feel, and more powerful that my cripplin' shyness.
Each time I thought about the weekend that was drawin' closer when my Daddy would be arrivin' to take me home, I felt a pang of sadness. It was goin' to be very difficult to leave Edward.
The only thing that made it bearable was the fact that I'd see him again in a month for our proms.
The night before my Daddy was to arrive; Esme and Carlisle took us out to dinner. We had a good time and Edward smiled more than he had in months.
When we arrived back at the house, Edward's parents informed us that they had somethin' important to discuss. I might have worried that it was bad news, except for the fact that they both had the hint of a smile on their faces.
We gathered in the family room and were soon seated on the two overstuffed sofas.
Carlisle held Esme's hand as he began to speak. "We have some important news to share with you kids, and since we consider Bella to be part of the family, it is appropriate that she be here as well." They both smiled indulgently at me.
Carlisle then looked toward Esme, and I watched as she drew in a deep breath before she spoke. "Well, I haven't been feeling my best these last few weeks. I assumed it was all due to stress, but it seems that there was another contributing factor."
She paused as her eyes filled with tears. I couldn't imagine what was goin' on. Was she sick, like really sick? I couldn't even consider it.
But somethin' told me that her news wasn't bad, 'cause under the tears, she was still smilin'.
"Mom, Dad, what's going on? Is it good news or bad because right now you're scaring me a little." Alice blurted.
Esme gave us a watery smile. "It's good news. The best actually. Unexpected and wonderful." She took a deep breath. "I'm pregnant." She announced in a quiet tone, searchin' our faces for some sort of reaction.
The room was utterly silent for a full minute as we all attempted to process what she'd just said.
Pregnant?
Of all the words Esme could have uttered at that moment, pregnant certainly wasn't one I was prepared for…
"Shut the front door!" Alice suddenly shouted as she bolted from the sofa and crossed the room to her parents. "You're kidding right?" No one missed the happy smile on her face at the question.
Esme shook her head. "I've suspected for a while. Your dad and I went to the doctor today. They did an ultrasound and I'm more than three months along. The baby is due in September."
Alice pulled her mother into a fierce hug. "Oh my God! I can't believe it. This is so great, Mom."
September…
Suddenly my mind went back to those days followin' New Year's when the fear that I might be pregnant had consumed me. I remember at the time thinkin' that if I was, the baby would be born sometime in September.
I shook those thoughts away and stood up, crossin' the room swiftly in order to give Esme a hug of my own. She seemed so happy; her smile was infectious. "Congratulations," I whispered before givin' Carlisle a hug as well.
Alice continued to babble, distractin' me from the realization that Edward hadn't moved from his spot on the sofa, or uttered a single word.
"It's about time this family had something to celebrate." Alice was clearly elated. She let go of her mother and took a step back then as she dramatically placed her hands on her hips and playfully cocked an eyebrow. "Although, I'm not going to dwell on how creepy it is that my mother will be giving birth during my senior year of high school." She giggled. "I mean, really Mom? You people are supposed to be old. Edward will be eighteen by then, and in college. I'll be seventeen and Daniel…" She stopped short and brought her hand to her mouth. "Oh my God… I'm sorry, I didn't mean…" Alice mumbled as her own eyes filled with tears. "For just a moment, I forgot." She wrapped her arms around herself as her whole body began to tremble. "How could I do that?" She asked with a whimper.
"Honey, honey," Esme soothed as she held her, Carlisle wrapped his arms around them both. "Alice, it happens. I can't tell you how many times I have read something or seen something on television and thought to myself that I needed to go tell Daniel, knowing he'd get a kick out of it, only to remember that he's gone…"
At her words, Alice began to sob harder. Esme and Carlisle pulled her down to sit between them on the sofa and let her cry it out.
I turned back then to sit beside Edward again. His expression was a complete blank, and I had no idea if he'd even heard what his mother had told us. I slipped my hand inside one of his and gently squeezed until he tore his gaze away from the floor and turned to face me.
His expression remained blank.
Alice's sobs quieted and the room grew still. I looked up to find Esme, Alice and Carlisle all lookin' at Edward then. "Edward," his mother began softly, "you're so quiet."
He drew in a deep breath and frowned at her, lettin' go of my hand when he did. "What do you want me to say, Mom?" He began dryly. "Congratulations?" He paused. "I'm glad you're happy? Maybe you'll have better luck with this one. Maybe it will be like Alice and not end up dead like Daniel or a complete fuck-up like me."
I couldn't believe what I was hearin'. To think that the boy I loved was capable of such cruel words…
Esme gasped, the hurt evident on her face. "Edward," Carlise stood up and took a step toward his son. "Outside. Now!"
The look on his face and the sound of his voice left no doubt that he was absolutely livid.
Edward stood and followed his father through the kitchen and out the back door.
Alice and I stayed to comfort Esme even though, more than anythin', I wanted to know what was goin' on between Edward and his father.
"Mom, don't listen to him. He doesn't mean it." Alice soothed.
Esme nodded as the tears fell. "I know honey. I don't know why, but I fooled myself into thinking he might be happy about this."
"Esme," I spoke up then, feelin' terrible about the way Edward had treated his mother, "it's not you or the baby he's lashin' out at. I was hopin' that therapy would help him, but I'm afraid he's gettin' worse. He really hates himself." I ended in a whisper.
Esme and Alice nodded and Esme hugged me tighter to her side.
"He's mad at the whole world." She said softly. "We just have to keep fighting for him Bella."
About ten minutes later Carlisle returned, followed by a very contrite Edward.
He swallowed hard as he approached his mother. "I'm sorry, Mom."
She nodded but never uttered a word as she hugged him, all the while rubbin' her hand over the back of his head in a soothin' manner.
***P*S***
The next day, Daddy arrived, and the day after that, we drove back home.
No matter what I did durin' those last two days, I hadn't been able to pull Edward from the black mood that had descended on him Friday night. He didn't say much about the talk he'd had with his father other than that Carlisle had told him he wasn't above 'knockin' him on his ass' if he ever made his mother cry again. Edward actually chuckled about that, but if I tried to pry any more information from him, he got angry.
I gave up, not wantin' our last couple of days to be spent fightin'.
I was gratified that he hadn't gone back to drownin' his sorrows in alcohol, but had a feelin' that would change the moment I left.
***P*S***
-Spring- Edward, Age 17 years
I woke every morning, usually gasping from the nightmare I'd just endured. Lately, my first waking moments weren't even graced with a short period of blissful ignorance. Instead, I was assaulted from the moment I opened my eyes with the realization of what had happened.
My little brother was never coming back….
As if that wasn't bad enough, the next realization usually succeeded in ripping my dead heart from my chest.
My fault…
How many days had it been? A hundred, two hundred?
Each grey morning had followed another until I'd lost count.
If it was Tuesday, I'd keep my appointment and lie to the therapist, telling her that I was reading the books she'd recommended and that they were helping, knowing full well that she wouldn't buy my bullshit for much longer.
I'd lie to my parents, my sister, my teachers…
I'd lie to Bella on the phone…
With each passing day, it was becoming more difficult to keep track of my lies. I wondered how long I could continue this pathetic charade. I wondered if everyone already saw through it…
I sensed a change was coming, but couldn't quite put my finger on what that change would be.
I only hoped it was 'freeing'. I longed to be unburdened, to be at peace, although I knew I didn't deserve it.
Because peace was impossible, I'd settle for the numbness which alcohol granted.
I craved that numbness most days.
Although… not as much as I craved Bella.
Bella
Everything good or happy or worthwhile inside of me was wrapped up in my feelings for Bella. She was my lifeline, my hope, my future.
It shouldn't be like this. I had no right to tie her to me this way. She should be free to have a happy life, one she won't have if she spends it with a broken man. However, no matter how I tried, I couldn't force myself to let her go.
I just… couldn't.
I was despicable.
I'm so tired of learning to talk
Building fences on the wall
In this state, I shall not remain
I don't want to go, but if I die young
Fill my empty room with the sun
Fill my empty room with the sun
This doesn't matter like it did before
This doesn't matter much anymore
Change my mind or help me to try
I'm afraid and I'm not satisfied
In this state I shall not remain
I don't want to go, but if I die young
Fill my empty room with the sun
Fill my empty room with the sun
This doesn't matter like it did before
This doesn't matter much anymore
This doesn't matter like it did before
This doesn't matter much anymore
Daylight is not the same
When your stabbing at the stars
In your eyes, and bleeding
Is what you see
This doesn't matter like it did before
This doesn't matter much anymore
This doesn't matter like it did before
This doesn't matter much anymore
This doesn't matter much anymore
*****************************************A/N*********************************
A/N A little peek into Edward's troubled mind. Song Recs: "I Knew I Loved You" by Savage Garden. "Empty Room" by Marjorie Fair.
The next chapter is complete and will post very soon. It will complete this year in Bella's life.
Thanks for reading, and thanks for your patience. I'll be on Facebook as Annie Author Vandv, and in the FB group Emmamama's Stories.