The Eight of Swords, Reversed: Hard work reaping little reward, frustration, depression. Effort being exercised in the wrong place. A moving away from a problem rather than finding a solution.

"Hiya, Commander Shepard!"

Shepard nodded at the group of children playing at the front of the Shepards camp. After more than five months, she recognized most of them, though names escaped her. A young salarian and turian ran up to her, arms out for hugs.

She laughed as she knelt down to hug the two children. Five months ago, these same kids had barely looked her in the eye, thinking her the vaunted Commander Shepard. Now they demanded hugs when they saw her.

Everywhere she looked these days signs of healing showed. Kids wanting hugs, the turians and krogan formally announcing an alliance, even the burnt skin on her shoulders and thighs, where armor had melted from the heat of the blast on the Citadel had begun to heal.

Glancing around, Shepard tried to find something of interest to tell Conrad later today when she went to Orlando to meet the scientists. She wanted something personal, not just oh the camp looks great! As she started to walk, a breeze caused the hair on her arm to stand up; she wished she thought to bring a light jacket with her.

Shepard turned down the closest row of tents and grinned, finding the perfect story.

There stood Javik, tall and proud, surrounded by a least a dozen children sitting on the ground.

"And then," Javik said, his voice low and with the practiced lull of a storyteller, "just as I thought death had come for me at last, my first officer, the brave and ferocious Pilka leapt from the rubble, her gun taking down husk after husk."

Shepard could barely keep the grin off her face. Javik's speech on the Citadel so many months ago proved he had a flair for the dramatic. Listening to him speak, she could just picture him, thinking himself alone and without hope, only to be rescued at last.

"I thought she was dead," one child whispered to another.

"As did I, human child," Javik said, nodding his head. "But Pilka was full of surprises. With her help, my crew and I were able to liberate the city of Jawhbalang."

The kids broke into cheers. Shepard clapped right along with them. The scene before her could have been from her own childhood, when she had snuck into libraries, a reliable place where she could be sit down and rest her feet. Storytime had always been her favorite growing up, especially when they served cookies and juice afterwards. Even when she had been too old for the children's section, Shepard would linger, pretending to look for a book and instead listen to the lull of the librarian's voice.

She caught Javik's eye and he nodded to the children. Before he could take a step, a small elcor asked, "With sincere pleading: another story?"

"Another time, elcor child," Javik said, looking at the elcor. "The commander is here to speak with me."

At her mention, the kids all looked over and waved, a few jumping up. She waved back, smiling, though part of her felt awful for stealing away their fun. However, this conversation couldn't wait any longer.

She and Javik walked to the outer rim of the camp, where there was a large field of grass in front of them. Kids ran around the field, playing tag or kicking a ball, enjoying the outdoors as only a kid could.

"Javik the storyteller," Shepard said with a chuckle. "And here I thought I'd seen everything."

"These children are impressionable," Javik said. "They will grow up knowing the greatness of the Prothean empire."

"Uh-huh," Shepard said. "That's all this is? Brainwashing the kids into thinking the Protheans are superior?"

Javik slid his fingers down the side of a tent behind them and Shepard wondered what it told him. Which child stayed there, maybe their hopes and dreams or information about their families. "I am finding there is something calming about being around the young," he said after a moment. "There is hope in this place. I come here often."

"Hope is a beautiful thing," Shepard said softly. "I was sort of surprised you wanted to meet here."

"I enjoy telling the children of some of what they call 'my adventures,'" Javik said. ""They are young, so I spare them the realities of war."

"Javik, these kids are in this refugee camp because they have no other place to go," Shepard said. "They've seen the realities of war."

"Perhaps you are right," Javik said, wiping his fingertips on his armor. "All the same, I am glad these children know of my crew, even if only as a fable. It is also good practice, remembering these tales for the book Dr. T'Soni keeps insisting we write."

"There is something to be said for that," Shepard agreed. She shifted and looked straight at Javik. "Any chance you're up for another adventure?"

"Dr. T'Soni provided details of your mission," Javik said. "I will relish the chance at revenge against the Leviathan."

Shepard held up her hand. "We're gathering information and destroying any of the artifacts we find along the way. It's a long way from revenge."

Javik gave her a steady stare and then shook his head as if disappointed. "I thought you knew better, Commander."

"We're not going to war if we don't have to, Javik," Shepard said.

"Leviathan has had millions of years to prepare for this moment," Javik said, pushing his shoulders back. "The moment the galaxy became free of the Reapers."

Shepard tried not to sigh. She recognized Javik's posture; he wanted to lecture her. Throw the machine out the airlock. There was a Normandy before this one. You died in an attack.

Her hands curled into fists as memories above Alchera fluttered through her mind. She remembered being so damn angry at being left behind, that the galaxy would dare to continue on without her. And in those last moments, she remembered sparing a thought for Garrus, wishing she had taken the time to read the message he had sent her earlier that day, before anger consumed her again.

Those memories needed to wait. Shepard forced them down, crumpled them into a ball to be dealt with later. She'd been doing that more and more lately with certain feelings, there'd come a time when it had to stop. "War is the absolute last resort, Javik, understood?"

He looked back towards the children, where some still milled around, most likely hoping for another story. "I understand that is your hope, Commander."

"That is my hope, Javik," she said. She waved her omni-tool, sending the details over to him. "We leave in a little more than three weeks."

"I will be ready," Javik said.

"It'll be good to have you back on the Normandy," Shepard said. She had meant what she said at the Embassy on the Citadel: Javik was one of the best soldiers she'd seen. After Garrus, she included him on her squad more than any others; his combat and biotic skills fitting seamlessly with her and Garrus'.

More than that, he understood her in a way few could. He understood the responsibility that had been placed on her shoulders, being tasked to defeat the impossible.

Javik nodded. "If that is all, Commander, I believe I will tell the children about the battle of Bwarge. It is a story I learned in my own childhood."

The children started cheering again as he walked back to them. With one last wave to the kids, Shepard stuck her hands in the pockets of her trousers and headed towards Alliance Headquarters.

She took a back route, one where she could have a better view of the ocean. Strange how she hadn't lived near an ocean for almost half her life, yet she still felt a sense of home looking out into the water. She knew some people believed her place out among the stars - and she loved them, she did - but give her the vastness of the ocean, teaming with life underneath the waves over the great empty void, as Samara had called it once.

Shepard took a moment to appreciate the view before walking again. Once she started, Shepard turned and almost ran into a woman. She gasped, recognizing the woman at once and dropped to her haunches. Tears formed in her eyes as Shepard pulled her short ponytail hard, trying to ground herself. Her eyes closed almost involuntarily, perhaps hoping when they opened the woman would be gone.

"On three," Shepard whispered to herself, rocking back slightly. "One. Two. Three."

Shepard opened her eyes and the woman still stood there, head slightly cocked, staring down. Dirt covered her olive skin and dreadlocks matted her hair. She wore animal skins that clung to her body. Shepard wondered if she still smelled of animal grease and burnt ashes.

That damn trinket. Shepard had kept it in her armor jokingly as a good luck charm, saying Sha'ira had given it to her right before being appointed as a Spectre. She didn't even know what possessed her to bring the trinket out on Eletania. But she did. And within a matter of minutes, the memories of a caveman from fifty thousand years ago had been placed in her head.

She remembered the constant struggle, going out with the other tribesmen and hunting while the women worked to keep the home camp safe. Raids, where other tribes thought it easier to fight and steal for food and clothes than provide for themselves.

And she remembered the woman in front of her.

The memories she had were full of this woman. He had cared for her, so much. He had given her small tokens, a bit of leather or fur for use as decoration. Shepard knew he had loved her, and the day she accepted him as a mate the second happiest of his life.

The happiest day Shepard could remember of his was realizing the woman was with child.

Shepard looked up, meeting the woman's gaze for the first time. She had beautiful eyes, large and brown with thick lashes. "Did you have the baby?" Shepard asked, knowing the woman wouldn't answer even if they could understand each other.

Placing her hands on the pavement in front of her, Shepard lifted herself off of the ground. The top of the woman's head barely came up to Shepard's shoulders. Shepard forced herself to look into the woman's eyes. She studied them, wondering if somewhere out in the galaxy a living person had those same flecks of green in their eyes. "He loved you," Shepard finally said. Then she took a breath and forced herself to walk. Nothing would be gained by standing and staring. She walked to the end of the path and counted to thirty. Slowly turning around, Shepard saw no trace of the woman.

She exhaled and tried to compose herself. Shepard felt her hands shake as she brought up her omni-tool. Part of her wanted to shut down, pretend this didn't happen. If she didn't tell anyone it would be so much easier to pretend.

But she promised.

Shepard took her finger and pressed the chat program app - their private channel, Shepard didn't want to risk anyone intercepting anything - and quickly typed Garrus a message. He called her almost at once and Shepard felt some of the tension ease from her shoulders at the sight of his face.

"You okay?" he asked. Shepard watched his eyes search her face, looking for anything out of the ordinary.

"Been better," Shepard said, giving him a small smile. He seemed more at ease after her smile. The timing of this vision couldn't be worse. Garrus' stress-level had skyrocketed since seeing Sidonis a few days ago and now this. "Didn't expect this today."

"Shepard, there comes a day when you do expect these, I think we need to sit down and have a chat," Garrus said dryly.

She chuckled. "Touché, Vakarian," she said. She felt better already, talking openly about this. He had been so right to call her out on the visions. "You remember on the SR-1 when I blacked out on Eletania?"

Garrus' mandibles pinched his face a bit - his thinking face, Shepard joked once - before asking, "Sure, with that Prothean ruin, right?"

"Yeah, that's the one," Shepard sighed. She rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hand. "What sort of cavemen were turians?"

His eyes blinked several times at the odd question. "Ah, turians never lived in caves. We evolved from the pleket, so early turians were plain dwellers. I'll show you a picture sometime."

"Early turians have art of any kind?" Shepard asked, remembering the simple drawing the tribe made in the dirt and etched on the walls. Her caveman had loved to draw pictures.

"Carved the bark of trees, I think," Garrus said. He let out of huff of impatient air. "You really okay, Shepard? I can meet you in fifteen minutes if you want."

"I'm fine," Shepard said a bit too sharply for her liking. She softened her voice. "I'm fine, really. This vision… it's hard to explain. Basically, I have the memories of a caveman in my head."

Garrus rubbed his neck. "And that's just what you need, when you already have the Prothean beacon and the Cipher in your head. Damn."

He sighed, long and deep and Shepard sense the question he wanted to ask, so she answered it for him. "The woman just stood there. Didn't say anything, just like the others."

"Good," Garrus said at once. Shepard heard the relief in his sub-vocals. "I'm just working on supply logistics today so message me anytime you want, okay, Shepard?"

"I will," Shepard promised, feeling lighter than she had before they spoke. She needed to remember this feeling the next time she wanted to shut down when they fought. Talking these things over with Garrus helped more than they hurt. Hopefully she could remember that. "I'm still going to go to Orlando. I want an update on how everything is going."

"If you're sure," Garrus said.

"I am," Shepard said, meaning the words. These visions wouldn't stop her from doing her job. They couldn't. If they did, she had no right to be leading this mission.

"Be safe and I'll see you tonight then."

"See you tonight," Shepard echoed, turning off the feed. She looked behind her one last time to make she couldn't see the woman. She couldn't. With a sigh, Shepard dug her toe into the ground and started walking towards headquarters.

Shepard walked into the lab, surprised only to see Ann Bryson working. "Where are Conrad and Padok?" Shepard asked.

Ann looked up from her workstation and waved Shepard over. "Conrad wanted some material that required two authorization codes to pick up, so Padok joined him."

"So you get the lab to yourself?" Shepard joked as she sat down next to Ann.

Ann pushed her hand through her hair. "Don't get me wrong, Commander. Padok and Conrad are both brilliant scientists," Ann said, sighing and crossing her legs. "But they like to talk through everything. Every hypothesis, every theory, every experiment… It can get grating sometimes."

"The things we do for science," Shepard said with a smile.

Ann snorted and brought up her omni-tool. "We do have some good news for you though, Shepard," she said. "The new shield is ready for activation. You won't ever notice the change, but the program will modify the frequencies at varying intervals. One cycle might be two point three seconds, the next point eight. Leviathan should have no chance of penetrating it."

"Fantastic," Shepard said. "How soon can we start using it?"

"Right away," Ann said. She folded her hands together in her lap and looked down. When she spoke again her voice was timid. "I've decided to start using the shield as well, for now."

"Worried about Leviathan?"

Ann nodded, still not raising her head. "I can't believe we were so careless," she said after a moment's pause. "There could be a working artifact in orbit right now and it's all my fault. What if…" Shepard said nothing, content to let Ann talk for now. "Sometimes I wonder, Commander, if I didn't think about the artifact when we were evacuating because Leviathan didn't want me to think about it."

Shepard pulled her ponytail, missing the buzz cut where she could just easily run her hands over her head. Ann's question seemed relevant, especially with Garrus' worry about Shepard's visions. "What was it like?" Shepard asked softly. "Besides being cold and dark?"

Closing her eyes, Ann leaned back in her chair. "I don't think I have a definitive answer for you. I try not to look back too much."

"But when you do?" Shepard asked.

"And I do," Ann said with a rueful smile. "Oh I do."

While waiting for Ann to continue, Shepard looked around the lab. The white board looked messier than ever with formulas and calculations covering almost every inch. While Shepard wasn't a scientist, she did consider herself to be a bit of a mathematician. She saw calculations regarding mass effects fields, dark energy and several about the relativity of time. Part of her wanted to ask questions and learn a bit.

A black console stood on a table in the center of the lab, surrounded by datapads, wires and other equipment. If Shepard had to hazard a guess, she'd say she found the prototype of the artifact tracker. Amazing to think three people and their collective knowledge stood the best chance of finding and then destroying the artifacts across the galaxy.

"I mainly remember the anger," Ann said, looking into the corner of the room. "Anger and disdain. Like the thought they were sullying themselves by speaking through me."

"Do you worry that it will happen again?" Shepard asked quietly, sensing the answer from the way Ann's shoulders tensed and her fist curled.

Ann shifted and with a start, Shepard realized the scientist stared at the pistol holstered at Shepard's waist. "Did you know when we first landed after the Reapers were defeated, there were weapons everywhere?" Ann asked. "Just lying around next to bodies on the street that hadn't been cleaned up yet."

"I was in a coma when that happened," Shepard said. "Heard it was pretty ugly though."

Riots over weapons and supplies. Krogan looking for a fight, not caring who their opponents where. Starving animals feasting on husks until the bodies could be burned. By the time Shepard woke from the coma, the worst of the fighting and ugliness had passed. She sometimes felt gratitude for that.

"I saw vids," Ann said, hugging her midsection. She shuddered. "But the point being is that for almost a week, it was fairly simple to find a gun. So I found one. Really nice model from what I can tell from my research. A Paladin."

"I used to carry a Paladin," Shepard said, missing the extra weight she usually felt on her right side. The Alliance-issued Predator didn't have the same heft in her hands. She missed her Paladin; she wondered who might have found it in the rubble of London. Whoever had better be treating it right. "Good weapon."

Ann took a deep breath and breathed out slowly through her nose. "I sleep with it under my pillow," she said. She turned and looked Shepard straight in the eye. "If I ever start to feel cold and dark again… Well." Ann chuckled humorlessly. "Let's just say you'll need to find another scientist. I'm not letting them win."

Shepard remained still as she remembered seeing Shiara sitting on her couch, staring at her. Shepard had gripped her pistol in her hand and waited until the vision disappeared. She was lucky, Shepard knew. She didn't have to worry about not being brave enough to take herself out if the worst happened. Garrus would do it for her. Shepard let out a quick breath, trying to picture Garrus carrying around that guilt for the rest of his life - and he would feel guilty, she knew he would, taking no comfort in the idea it was what she'd want - and couldn't. She would simply have to make sure that never happened.

"Have you had a pysch eval since you've been working on this project?" Shepard said, her voice level, not trying to sugarcoat her words.

Ann shook her head briskly. "No, I haven't."

"You had weekly ones though, when you were working on Project Aurora?"

Ann sat up a little straighter. "We all did. Anyone who came into the office near the fragment of Sovereign was required to go."

"I think we're going to start that up again," Shepard said, stretching her hands behind her back. "You, Padok and Conrad. Weekly sessions. It was sound policy."

Weekly pysch evals might not give Ann the same comfort of a Paladin underneath her pillow, but it might provide some sense of security.

When Ann looked up again, Shepard saw her that Ann's seemed lighter, a burden lifted. "That's a good idea, Commander. Thank you." Ann held up a finger, asking Shepard to wait. After she pulled up her omni-tool, Ann waved her arm. Shepard's own omni-tool beeped, the transfer successful. "That's the shield. I'll let you handle the distribution among your team." Ann bit her lip and looked down at her omni-tool. "I don't know if this is my place…"

"Probably would be a good idea for me to start using this shield at all times like you," Shepard said, activating the shield. She and Garrus would have to take some time going over the specs and make sure it didn't interfere with their normal shields. The last thing they needed was to solve one problem only to create another. Then again, some would say that's the story of Shepard's life. She rubbed her temple, trying to stave off the headache she felt forming. Seemed like days had passed since she recruited Javik for the mission only this morning. "Leviathan didn't take me over but they did speak to me."

"They did," Ann said. She looked up curiously. "And you didn't feel cold or dark at all when it happened?"

Shepard shook her head. "No, nothing like that. I think that's their signature move when they control you, not just talk to you."

"That's my guess as well," Ann said. She sighed. "I'll feel a lot better once we have the tracker ready and get that artifact out of orbit if it's up there."

"Agreed," Shepard said at once. But her job required her to deal with the 'what ifs.' She needed to be better, to prepare more for those 'what ifs.' Standing in front of a panel where the men and women expected her to magically fix everything when the only words she could muster were 'we fight or we die,' wouldn't cut it anymore.

Every possibility had to be considered and planned accordingly. Even the ones she didn't want to think about, like the idea of an artifact in orbit above Earth. She'd come up with a plan. She and Garrus would come up with a plan.

"Another week, two weeks, hopefully, tops," Ann said.

"Keep me updated," Shepard said. She took a breath and looked at the black console in the middle of the lab. Not exactly the stuff dreams were made of, but it would do. She nodded at Ann. "I should go."

Shepard turned and walked out of the lab. Time to deal with more 'what ifs.'

Author's Note: Many thanks to theherocomplex for her beta work! Also, I'm so sorry for the delay in this chapter. Blame holidays and my own little mental block. I'm desperately going to try to get back on the one chapter every five days schedule from here on out.