I left my wife and forty-nine kids on the verge of starvation with only one hamburger left, -ger left, -ger left, right left.

Where the Hell Are We Now!
By Kaori

"Aah, feels good to be out on the open road…" sighed Gina. "By the way, where are we going?"

"To find this Tsunade person." Said Bradley.

"I know that, where are we going specifically?"

"We're going to the hotel town near here." Jiraiya said flatly. "We'll probably get some idea of where to start looking by asking the locals."

"As long as I get to sample the local cuisine, I don't care." Grinned the long-haired brunette.

The group walked in a loose formation. Jiraiya, Kotorra and Naruto up front with Kotorra between the two ninjas, while Gina and Bradley behind them.

"Hey, hey, perverted hermit…" started Naruto, Jiraiya smacked him upside the head.

"I thought I told you not to call me that!"

"You are what you are." Shrugged Kotorra.

"Why are you so mean to me, Kotorra-chan?" whined Jiraiya. A nerve twitching in the tall girl's forehead was the only warning he got.

"BBBBBBBLLLLBBBBLLLLBLLLLAAAAAARRRRRRGHHH!" THUD.

"Don't address me so familiarly you pervert."

"You know, I don't think I'll ever get tired of watching you zap him." Gina said.

"Yeah, but I'll probably have to knock it off once we get into town. I don't think the Hokage would approve of me zapping him while he's carrying out orders."

After the pervert had recovered, he felt it best to have Kotorra walk next to Naruto causing the other two Wild Cards to snicker; a fifty-year-old man scared of a sixteen-year-old girl, how embarrassing.

They arrived at the town with plenty of daylight to spare so they checked into one of the hotels. While they were still checking in, a beautiful young woman paused outside the door; Jiraiya, Naruto, and Bradley were instantly rendered brainless; Kotorra and Gina sighed in annoyance.

"Men are pigs. It's sad…" groaned Kotorra.

"I'm a dog not a pig." Bradley said, grinning.

"So you're a swine hound then."

"Naruto!" Jiraiya was dancing in place.

"Y..yes!" Naruto's attention was divided between the woman and his sensei. Jiraiya slapped a set of keys into his hands. "Eh?"

"Go upstairs and do some chakra exercises, I'll be back later!" and without another word, he made a run for it. Naruto was livid.

"WHAT! YOU PERVERT! COME BACK HERE!" Kotorra put a hand on the orange-clad boy's shoulder.

"Come on, let's go check out that room."

"Hey, where'd Bradley go?" blinked Gina. "He was right here next to me a second ago…" Kotorra, putting two and two together and coming up with skirt-chasing, made a face.

"Forget it, Gina it's hormones."

"What are you talking abou…oh. Well, if that's the case I'm going sightseeing. See you later." she waved.

Bradley was following Jiraiya in the form of a Yorkshire terrier and not because he was looking to get snuggled by the busty woman. No, something didn't smell right to him. There are only three reasons a woman goes after a much older man: 1) She's a gold digger and wants his cash. 2) She's genuinely in love with him. 3) She's a hooker. He was pretty sure he could rule out numbers one and two since he's pretty sure she'd never met Jiraiya before otherwise she wouldn't still be around so she must be a hooker. If that was the reason he was going to make sure the damned pervert remembered that they weren't here to play snuzzlebunnies with pretty girls; he was thinking the form of a Doberman Pinscher would do nicely. He wouldn't find out until later about option four: genjutsu.

Meanwhile, Naruto was trying to teach Kotorra about chakra while doing his control exercises. The short-haired brunette had joined the blonde in his meditations when there was a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" Kotorra called. All they got was another knock on the door. "Who is it?" More knocking. "Dammit Gina, you'd better be have your hands full…" She got up and opened the door. "You're not Gina."

There were two people standing outside the door and the first thing she noticed was the cloaks they were wearing and that the tall one had blue-skinned and carrying a huge-ass sword. The second thing was that the shorter man looked familiar.

Sasuke? she thought. No, but they are similar…This one's got dangerous hottie written all over him. Asshat just looks like an emo kid .

"Is Uzumaki Naruto here?" the short one asked.

"Who may I ask, is inquiring?" Kotorra raised an eyebrow, she knewbad news when she saw it and these guys were front page. Naruto chose that moment to pop up under her elbow. "Errr… pay no attention to the runt standing next to me!" she tried to slam the door in the cloaked men's faces but was stopped by the shorter one and pulled into the hallway by the taller. "RUN NARUTO!"

"Oh yeah, run. I'll just entertain myself with the girl here." The blue-skinned guy grinned, showing rows of sharp, pointy teeth.

"Don't even think about it, bastard!" Naruto growled.

"We have no interest in the girl." The short one said quietly. "If you come with us we'll let her go."

"Don't listen to him Naruto." Kotorra insisted.

"Quiet." The shark-faced man punched her in the gut.

"Oof."

"Kotorra!"

"I thought I told you to get out of here…" wheezed the girl, then she whipped out her Smiter and fired it. Faster than either she or Naruto could follow she was thrown aside and the wall behind the shorter man exploded; the gun falling out of her hands and skidding to a halt at the shark-man's feet. He regarded it for a moment and then crushed it under his foot. "Dammit."

"I wouldn't recommend you try that again." Said the red-eyed man, slowly he tilted his head to the side. "It's been awhile…Sasuke." Naruto and Kotorra's attention immediately went to the end of the hallway. Standing there, seething and with Sharingan blazing was Uchiha Sasuke.

"Uchiha Itachi…" he glowered. "I will….kill you!"

"Uchiha…" parroted Kotorra. "I see… so they're related."

"Hou…Sharingan." Grinned the shark-man. "You seem to be familiar with Itachi… Who is this guy?"

"My little brother." Replied Itachi.

"I heard the entire Uchiha clan was wiped out…by you."

Kotorra frowned. Is that it? Is this why Sasuke's the way he is? What kind of person would purposely do that to their own family?

"I've been wanting to say this for a long time…" Sasuke said, drawing everyone's attention back to him; a low chirping slowly getting louder as he gathered chakra into his left hand reaching their ears. "I've lived my entire life hating you and I've also lived only to kill you…"

"That technique again…" murmured Kotorra.

"I HAVE LIVED FOR THIS!" he roared and then rushed at his brother, Chidori screaming. He lunged.

Itachi grabbed Sasuke by the wrist and shoved the offending hand away from himself and into the wall, blowing a hole in it. Naruto made a low growling noise in his throat and started gathering chakra. Kotorra got that same prickling feeling she felt during the Chuunin exam.

There it is again. She thought. It feels different from his usual chakra, it's actually frightening…

Apparently, whatever Naruto was attempting also caught the attention of Sasuke, Itachi and his cohort.

"You're in the way…" Itachi said, and snapped his brother's wrist causing Sasuke to scream in pain.

"Sasuke!" cried Naruto. "Ninpo: Kuchiyose no…"

"Kisame."

"Ha!" the shark-man swung his sword.

"What the hell!"

"My Samehada eats chakra. Now that you can't use your jutsu you shouldn't be any more trouble. Now…" his voice took an even more sinister tone. "Should I chop off a leg or an arm?" Before he could even do anything a large Wolfhound slammed into his chest, knocking him backwards. The dog in question landed in a crouched position in front of Naruto and Kotorra.

"You don't seem to know me very well…I'm better at getting girls than they are at getting me." A voice said behind them.

"If you're going to lie at least make it believable you damned pervert." Spat Kotorra. Naruto added to the insults and he and Jiraiya got into a comical argument.

"So, it's one of the Legendary Sannin, the Great Jiraiya, is it?" sneered Kisame. "You like beautiful women, but we didn't think our ruse would fool you for long…"

"Eh, you know Ero-sennin's true identity?" gasped Naruto.

"What do you mean "true identity"?" scoffed Kottora. "It's not like he's Batman or anything."

"Batman?"

"Never mind."

"Anyway," Itachi interrupted. "it seems you've broken the genjutsu on that woman."

"Hmph." Jiraiya snorted. "What kind of man are you? Using your Sharingan on this poor woman just to draw me away. So I guess you are after Naruto after all."

"Ah, so that's how Kakashi knew about this… You were the informant. We were ordered to abduct Naruto for our organization…Akatsuki."

"You're not getting Naruto."

"Oh? Why do you say that?"

"Because I'm going to kill you. Right here, right now."

"Don't." wheezed Sasuke, slowly getting to his feet. "He's mine."

"I have no interest in you right now." Was Itachi's apathetic reply before viciously kicking Sauske into the wall. Kotorra looked away as older brother pummelled younger brother only venturing to look when she heard Sasuke scream.

"Sasuke!" she cried. Naruto, having seen enough, charged forward, Kisame following him and Bradley on Kisame's heels. And then the hallway turned fleshy.

"Ninpo: Gamaguchi Shibari." Jiraiya said. "Too bad Itachi, Kisame…You're in my stomach now. Naruto, Kotorra, Bradley don't move. This is my technique so you don't have to worry." Bradley changed to his (mostly) human form, surprising Kisame and Itachi.

"Old man, this is the most disgusting thing you've done yet." He said. "Ugh...the smell..."

"Kisame, let's go." Itachi intoned. Both ninjas made a break for it.

"You won't get away." Grunted Jiraiya, pressing his hands onto the fleshy floor. Suddenly, there was an explosion. Jiraiya and Naruto went to investigate while Bradley tended to Kotorra.

"Hey, you okay?" he asked.

"My gut's going to be sore for a little while but I'll live." The walls and floor returned to normal. "Let's check on Sasuke."

Bradley propped the boy against the wall while Kotorra tried to get him to respond, stopping short of outright insulting him.

"It's no use, he can't hear you." Jiraiya said, solemnly. The two turned to look at him as Naruto knelt down next to Sasuke, a distraught look on his face. The white-haired hermit then explained the Sharingan to the two Wild Cards and they grimaced.

"Horrifying…" Bradley whispered.

"DYNAMIC ENTRY!"

"Gai!" chorused Jiraiya, Kotorra, and Bradley before the pervert was flying-kicked in the head. And that was the scene Gina walked in on when she came back withfour bags full of shopping.

Well that does it for now. Next time, our friends continue their search for Tsunade, Naruto begins learning the Rasengan, and Jiraiya conducts an experiment with the Wild Cards. Also, a little bit of "I'll show you mine if you show me yours"…Not like that you ecchi!