12:

As soon as we pulled up to the house, Uncle Trumbly stepped out of the car. My father made sure to step out of his own car at almost exactly the same time. They both resumed their argument from the hospital as if they had never been apart. My father immediately picked up on the chipping paint outside of Trumbly's house and stated loudly, "Lead paint is found in old houses and can be harmful if inhaled or swallowed! It's common knowledge!"

"Then, I'll have someone come out and inspect it for lead! If they find it, I'll immediately repaint the whole place, inside and out! Of course I can't hold back the people who might accidentally eat it before I can get it tested!" Trumbly shot back.

"You should get a real inspector! One with actual credentials, not some random place you pointed to in the phone book or a friend-of-a-friend!" Hefram snarled.

While my father and uncle bickered, I stayed with Dean, Sheamus and Sami. Marlyn led Abbey up the steps to the front door, where they waited anxiously for their husbands to follow. Sheamus gave me a tug on the arm good-bye and whispered, "I'm goin' to feed the camels. Ya comin', Sami?"

I could tell Sheamus wanted to get Sami away from all the drama. It would also give them some time alone to talk. Sheamus' eyes looked pleading, but Sami shoved his hands into his pockets and swayed more closely to me, shaking his head like he didn't want to leave my side. I thought it was odd that he would want to stay with me when my father was so obviously hoping to bite off the head of anyone who appeared to be my friend. I glanced at Dean for answers. He was looking at me with a stern expression, like he wanted to tell me what was going on but now was not the time.

Sheamus shrugged it off and started to leave without Sami. I whispered to Sami, "You should go with Sheamus! I would love to feed the camels myself but I can't go, so you can feed them and come back and tell me what it's like!"

Sami seemed a little less anxious when I said this. He nodded furtively and took off with Sheamus. Glancing back at me only once before he moved on, Sheamus gave me thanks with his eyes. When they were out of sight, Dean leaned into me and whispered, "We need to talk about Sami when we have more time."

I nodded, but that was all I could do before my father was headed up the front steps, calling after me, "Follow me, Elizabeth!"

I did as I was told. I was delighted and surprised when I encountered a huge group of Carnies gathered just inside the door. I knew some and others I didn't know, but they were all waiting on me. Miz pulled me into a big hug. Kevin and Bray each handed me a fresh picked wildflower, much to Charlotte's chagrin, who was standing next to them with her arms folded. I didn't look at my father's reaction to the people around me, but when I came back to him, I noticed he was staring at Tamina with eyes as wide as saucers.

I was still smiling broadly when I rejoined my father. I told everyone kindly, "Thank you so much!"

My father scolded me sharply, "Don't appear so eager, Liz. It's childish."

The room went silent and I turned to look at my father as my smile faded.

Trumbly immediately came to my defense, shouting, "Why did you have to say that?! There is no reason to squash her confidence! People are glad to see she's back from the hospital and doing okay! She was only thanking them like any well-mannered peson would do!"

"People will get the wrong assumption about her if they see her being so zealous about what they think!" Hefram protested.

Forgetting there were other people in the room, the two brothers resumed arguing at the top of their lungs.

Trumbly shouted, "No, you assume they will get the wrong idea! Why won't you let her just be herself, for God's sake!"

"Don't use the Lord's name that way, brother! You can say what you need to without resorting to violence against His character!" Hefram countered.

Trumbly stepped forward so he was too close to Hefram's face. Trumbly was furious as he spat, "This is my house! I say Liz can act the way she wants here and you can't tell her what to do!"

"This is not your house! This was Father's house and he willed half of it to me!" Hefram countered.

"Yes, but you didn't bother to take your half! By default, it's all mine, unless you're willing and daring enough to kick out half of my staff!" Hefram roared.

I seized the opportunity to distract them as I put up a hand and asked, "What was Grandpa like?"

They both turned to me as if they hadn't realized I was still there. My father folded his arms and turned his chin up as he stated simply, "Grandfather Chapfield was a senile old fool."

Trumbly's face went from red to purple and he screamed, "He was NOT senile! He was an eccentric! An idealist! A genius far ahead of his time!"

My father unfolded his arms so he could wave them as he cried, "He believed he could fry eggs on his head if he stood in the sun long enough! He complained of messages in used car oil taunting him from the garage! He told people there was a lion in the river! He was an uneducated drunk who was fired from the local gas station! How he managed to ruin something as simple as pumping gas is beyond us all!"

"THERE WAS A LION IN THE RIVER! LEO WAS MY FIRST REAL PET!" Trumbly boiled over with rage.

I couldn't help it. I imagined my grandfather looking like an older version of my father and uncle, standing outside and trying to cook eggs on his bald head. I suddenly busted out laughing. Again, Hefram and Trumbly turned to face me like I was rudely interrupting their most serious debate. I immediately put my hand over my mouth to stop myself. My father suddenly started for the stairs and Trumbly took off after him. My father pointed out while they were heading up to my room, "Look what you've done! Now she thinks her grandfather is a joke!"

"You brought it up!" Trumbly shot back.

I followed after them both. I was trying to get up the stairs but I was falling behind. I had been lying in a bed for nearly two days and it was difficult for me to catch up to my relations. I stopped midway and tried to hand my wildflowers and my gifts and scripture book to Dean who was coming up behind me. I asked him quietly, "Would you take these for me?"

He came up beside me to help. My father stopped arguing with Trumbly and suddenly turned to face me from the top of the stairs. He looked displeased that I had asked Dean for help.

"Abbey! Take Elizabeth's things for her!" Hefram ordered.

"Daddy, it's okay..." I started.

"She's already on her way," he pointed past me to indicate that Abbey was coming up the stairs from behind me to help.

Dean handed over what he had and I gave Abbey the rest. She gave Dean a quiet smile and started back up the stairs with me. Marlyn and the other Carnies took their leave and began disappearing in the downstairs area, moving far away from my father and uncle. I watched Marlyn leave and I wondered how she was feeling about seeing my father, again. I thought that since I now knew she was once my father's lover, I would be able to notice more chemistry between them. I was surprised to find nothing lasting about their history. My father almost completely ignored her and Marlyn seemed more than happy to stay away from him. It didn't seem to be out of respect for their spouses, but because they truly didn't like one another.

By the time I had turned back and started moving, again, my father and Trumbly were past the top of the stairs and arguing their way down the hall. I held onto the banister and took careful steps. Abbey took my other hand and led me along. I couldn't see Dean but I could feel him behind me. At one point, he dared to put his hand on the small of my back to keep me straight. His touch gave me an involuntary shudder and Abbey asked, "What's wrong, dear? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, I'm fine," I told her airily, trying not to be obvious.

Dean's hand pressed more firmly against the small of my back. He must've thought I shuddered because I was getting tired.

We finally made it to the top of the stairs. We walked behind my feuding father and uncle until we reached the ramp to Dean's room. Abbey was still holding my hand as she led me up to the door. As soon as the three of us entered the room my father pointed out the two beds and asked me point blank, "Who are you staying with, Elizabeth?!"

Trumbly spoke up before I could, arguing, "Dean is staying with Liz because this is his room, originally! It's one of the largest rooms and it's the only room that includes an extra large bathroom and three windows for better air circulation! I thought she shouldn't be alone in case she needs something during the night!"

I was grateful that Trumbly didn't mention my sleepwalking. My father didn't even look at Dean, basically ignoring that he was in the room with us. My father folded his arms and countered stiffly, "No! This is unacceptable!"

Trumbly seemed exhausted from all the shouting. He strained to take on a more relaxed voice as he explained, "I couldn't just tell Dean to find another room. He's made this his own and it has been his room since he and his brother, Kevin, came to stay with me."

My father sniffed and tapped his foot. He didn't even ask who Kevin was. My father managed to fold his arms even more tightly over his chest as he barked, "If you are foolish enough to put a beastly looking man and a young girl in a room together expecting nothing to come of it, I've misjudged your level of intelligence, brother!"

Dean stood silent beside me. I saw his fists clenching out of the corners of my eyes. He was dying to do something, but he didn't. Abbey handed me back my things and took her place against the far wall.

Trumbly was trying not to lose his temper again as he explained, "You make it sound like I plotted to put Liz in a compromising position and that's just not the case. They're the same age, not a man and a girl. Dean is not beastly and you know it. You are aware of the condition of hypertrichosis and you know that it does not make the person affected any more of an animal than calling yourself a tiger. I have known Dean a long time. He is strong and wise and very mature for his age. It has brought me great pleasure to work with him. I would go so far as to say he is the best Carny I have ever worked with."

My father was quiet for once. Trumbly took it as a sign of hope that he might be getting through. Trumbly spoke softly as he said, "I know Dean and he would never do anything to hurt Liz in any way..."

My father suddenly roared, "That's what you want to believe, Trumbly! Don't be a fool! You and I were young, once! We thought we were plenty mature and civilized, but if someone had put us in a room with a vulnerable girl who is so easily influenced by sexuality, proven by her current situation, we would've taken full advantage! Men are men and men do bad things in the company of women!"

I glanced at Dean. He was starting to shake from the rage building inside of him. I took a step ahead of him so my father didn't catch on to it. If he saw Dean reacting to his words, my father would surely taunt him until Dean exploded just so he could say it was proof that he was right.

Trumbly countered, "I trust Dean with my life!"

My father stated boldly, "I don't care! I will not have my daughter sleeping in the same room with any man until she is married to him!"

Trumbly was speechless. My father stood unopposed. I knew that my father would keep going until he was satisfied that he had verbally obliterated everyone. I couldn't stand there and watch him do it.

I suddenly blurted out what I could no longer keep inside, "Daddy, I'm in love with Dean and I am going to marry him!"

Trumbly and Hefram turned to face me with shocked expressions. I was in front of Abbey and Dean so I couldn't see their reactions, but I was sure they were as shocked as the brothers.

"Sometimes, I come across as innocent and naive, but I'm know what love is. It's when someone makes you feel like no one else does, and that's what Dean does to me. He hasn't tried to take advantage of me, and he didn't make me have feelings for him. I don't care what he looks like. I really, truly love him, even though he pushes me away and tells me not to love him at all. I think deep down, he loves me, too."

I took a deep breath and finished with, "And if either of you try to take him away from me, I will never, ever, ever speak to you, again."

:-:

Dean sat on the side of his bed. I sat on mine and put the box with my fragile carousel in it between my knees. Abbey was observing my Trumbly and Reinhearst Carnival poster by the far wall while Trumbly and Hefram were in Dean's bathroom with the door closed. They could still be heard shouting at one another.

"Is this what you wanted?!" Hefram shouted.

"What?! To see Liz happy?! Of course!" Trumbly argued.

I stopped listening to them and concentrated on pulling out the carousel from the box. I took both sides like I had the first time, holding the box between my knees the best that I could while I worked. Dean was concentrating on what I was doing. So far, he had made no comment about what I had said. I could feel him looking at me a little differently, though.

"This poster is beautiful, Elizabeth," Abbey spoke up, her voice light and soft compared to the loud harshness of the two fighting brothers.

I took the carousel out and placed it gently on the bedside table next to my goldfish as I replied, "I got it for my birthday. It's the original poster that Trumbly made when he started his Carnival."

"Is this Reinhearst on the poster with Trumbly?" Abbey asked, pointing at the second man.

"Yes, I think so. What happened to him?" I asked a question of my own.

Abbey put her fingers on her lips while she thought. She gasped as she finally remembered and said, "Oh, I think Hefram told me he died of AIDS in the 1980s. Such a great loss for Trumbly. He told me once that Mr. Reinhearst was the main reason why he was so passionate about giving Carnies his mansion to live in during their off-season. Caravans and motor homes were their preferred living spaces, but he wanted them to have a real place to live with a garden and a yard and somewhere to roam; somewhere they could call home."

A loud crash from the bathroom made us all jump. The box between my knees fell onto the floor. Thankfully it was empty.

There was a tense few seconds of silence before Hefram and Trumbly resumed shouting once more. Dean came down on his knees to pick up my box. He handed it back to me. I noticed that my dress was still raised up so I could work with the box between my knees. Dean would only have to glance down to get the full view since my underwear had been ruined at the hospital and I had to go without when I dressed to head home.

"I'm sorry your bathroom is getting trashed, Dean," was all I could think to say.

A part of me wanted him to look down, but he didn't. He kept his eyes on mine, replying, "It's no big."

Look down, Dean, look down.

His eyes did move, but his gaze went over my shoulder instead of down. He must've remembered Abbey because Dean stood up and quickly looked away from me. I pushed my dress back down just as my father burst through the bathroom door. He stormed away while shouting over his shoulder, "Abbey, we're leaving!"

I became alert, asking, "Daddy, wait! Why are you leaving? You said that you were going to stay a while!"

He didn't listen to me. Abbey came to his side and my father took hold of her hand and rushed out through bedroom door like they were running for their lives. My father slammed the door so hard on his way out, I heard a crash behind me and I knew that it was my carousel.

My father was leaving, and the broken carousel made me realize that he was never coming back.

I took off after them. I opened the door and hurried to catch up to them. I was struggling as I reached for them and called out to my father, "Daddy, you should stay! I want you to see my birthday presents! You haven't met all my friends, yet! You should eat something! You're probably starving!"

My father responded to my cries by pulled even harder on Abbey. They made it to the stairs. I kept calling for them, but I didn't even know what I was saying or if I was even making sense. My insides were on fire and I could barely breathe.

Many Carnies had gathered in the living room once more. Sheamus had come inside with Sami and they were welcoming Sami back home. They stopped their celebration and all fell silent to gaze upon the drama barreling down the stairs.

I made some headway going down the stairs instead of up. I slipped a few times and almost went tumbling. I used the banister to save myself and I managed to close the gap between me and my father. I took in one big breath and reached out to grab him. I almost touched his elbow, but he was just too fast for me and he slipped away. I had to stop moving for a second because I couldn't breathe, anymore. I was so close, but my father was quickly halfway across the room and almost to the front door. I wracked my brains, trying desperately to figure out how I could stop him.

Marlyn appeared at the foot of the stairs. She was touching me and asking if I was alright. I could hear Dean and Trumbly coming down the stairs after me. I grabbed Marlyn by the arms and yelled, "Tell Daddy he has to stop! Tell him he can't leave me!"

I probably looked hysterical. Desperate. At wit's end. Everything I had ever known was coming undone in front of me and it was being witnessed by every Carny that my uncle worked with. My enemies, my friends, the one I loved, my uncle, my mother, and even some strangers all watched in silence as my father opened the front door and suddenly turned to face me. I took Marlyn by the hand and led her along with me as I made my way over to my father. She was reluctant to follow me. She already knew what I couldn't admit to myself. I came within a few steps of my father and waited for Marlyn to speak, but she said nothing. I could feel all sense of hope leaving me and the room so quickly that it made me wonder if I would never feel it, again.

My father tore his gaze from me and looked up at Marlyn. He stated coldly, "If you had gone to the clinic and taken care of this problem like I told you to, you could have spared me all of this bullshit."

Whatever life was left in me; whatever part of me wanted my father to love me and care for me like other fathers do; whatever part of me still held out the hope that he didn't think of me as a mistake died at that moment.

"Oh, God! No!" Abbey wailed, piercing the silence.

She dropped her purse, knowing my father would instinctively bend down to pick it up.

It bought her seconds to rush in and embrace me with one gripping last hug. She pressed her lips to my ear and whispered between sobs in an almost chanting way, "You're all that's good in my life. You're all that's ever mattered to me. You're my reason for living. I love you, baby. I love you, baby."

My father grabbed Abbey by the shoulders to rip her away from me.

She tried to resist him, but he was so strong. She looked like a rag doll being tossed around by a giant of a man. Abbey didn't seem to care that the odds were stacked against her and she was injuring herself even more with her resistance. She kept fighting.

Hefram roared at her, "WE'RE LEAVING! NOW!"

I just stood there like a fool. My ears were ringing. I could hardly hear Abbey screaming, the spit from her agony splattering on my face while she fought against my father's hold on her. She managed to break free from him and she rushed to hug me for just a moment longer. My father took Abbey by the shoulders and wretched her away one more time. Abbey's arms went flailing as she tried to reach for me. She wrestled out of my father's grip and Abbey put her hands on my cheeks. Her face was so close to mine. Her breath was ragged and wheezing. Her cheeks soaked from snot and tears. The pupils in her brown eyes were like tiny lost specks as she stared at me like I was something she could never look away from. My father wrapped his arm around Abbey's middle and forced her off her own two feet. The fingernail of Abbey's left index cut my lower lip open when her hands were dragged away from my cheeks. I could feel the blood starting to form there. I didn't feel anything else until I heard the slamming of car doors outside.

I made one last effort to stop them. In a panic, I rushed out the front door and down the front steps. I reached out and called to them, "Mommy! Daddy! Wait!"

They were too far gone.

:-:

I went for a walk like I always did when I was upset. This time, Uncle Trumbly didn't argue with me. I kept walking for a long time, going further than I had ever ventured, before. I didn't know where I was going or when I would feel like going back. Night came and I had to use the moon to find my way around. I soon came upon an old, broken down cottage lost to time. I went inside and lay down on the dusty floor. A part of me hoped the roof of the cottage would suddenly collapse on top of me and end my suffering.

A light appeared in the distance. It made its way through the open doorway. I realized that the light was coming from a lantern carried by Dean. He had a blanket in his other hand and a bottle of water. He used his hard gaze to look me over for injuries. Then, he moved behind me to put the lantern down and spread out the blanket on the floor. He told me in his usually stern way, "You shouldn't be lying on the floor without something under you. It's filthy."

"I don't care," I murmured.

"Yeah? Well, I do," Dean said thickly, rolling me over so that I was on top of the blanket.

He brushed the dust away from my face and cleared it from my arm. He took care to wipe away the smudges leftover from tears. Then he took the water bottle and handed it to me, saying, "Drink."

"I'm not thirsty," I said stubbornly.

He urged me again to take a drink, but I wouldn't. Dean gave up and put the water bottle aside. He lay down next to me and held me close in the silence. I was beginning to wonder why Dean acted like he adored me, but when the opportunity came for him to act out his feelings and I so desperately wanted him to, he would hold himself back. I couldn't take it, anymore. I had to know the truth.

I looked up into his eyes and asked, "Why won't you make love to me, Dean?"

He searched my eyes for almost a minute in silent pondering.

Dean finally answered me, his voice broken as he did, "I was brutalized growing up. Treated like an animal. I was subjected to a lot of forms of abuse. I've tried to overcome the past. I want to be the man who I know is still inside me, but I will always have issues. It's a part of me that I can't let go of. The things I like to do, the things that get me off...they're mean. Self-depreciating. Aggressive and violent, sometimes. They're things that you shouldn't be subjected to. You're still young. You have the opportunity that I didn't have. You can still explore and find the right one who fits your needs. I don't want you selling yourself short just to fit mine."

"What do you like?" I asked.

"Elizabeth," he sighed. He was starting to get aggravated with me.

I thought maybe I could get him to open up if I talked about some of the things I liked. I made quiet confessions that I had never made to anyone else, before. It felt exciting and stimulating just to think that I felt comfortable enough with Dean to tell him the whole truth about me.

"I ate an orange before I was with Seth. I noticed that it made my mouth taste like citrus. I liked that the citrus taste got stronger, afterwards. It was like my senses were on overdrive!"

He smiled a little, but it wasn't enough for Dean to open up. I decided to keep going, despite the fact that I had very few things I liked because I had only really done it with Seth one time. The other experiences I had to draw from were awkward make-out sessions and random moments, like when I slipped on some mud and my sixth grade crush touched my butt while trying to help me up.

"I like it when the guy makes noises like a grunt or a groan when he's with me. It's so...primitive, which makes me feel excited."

Seth was not the grunting type. He only did it once while we were kissing and once when he stubbed his toe trying to lye down next to me. I couldn't believe how aroused I felt at his toe's expense.

"I like to be touched right here," I said, pointing just above my abdomen in the center spot where my rib cage ended.

I added quietly, "It's a highly sensitive place for me for some reason. One time, Seth tried to tickle me there and I made out with him for almost an hour."

Dean let out a low chuckle but didn't speak up. I opened my mouth to start again. I planned on making things up if I had to.

Dean finally opened his mouth. He said simply, "I like experimenting."

He paused as if he were waiting for me to respond. I asked curiously, "What kind of experiments?"

Dean rolled his eyes up like he was trying to picture something. He chose his words carefully and left most to the imagination as he explained, "Positions and stuff. I'm active enough that I can do a lot. I like to try new things."

I nodded that I understood what he was saying. He watched me for a moment, like he thought I might make a face or argue with him. I didn't, so he continued more urgently, "I like...chasing the girl around. Not the silly chases like you see in the movies. I like it better when she's hard to catch. No...I really like it when she doesn't make anything easy for me."

His eyes took on a more distant look. Dean still kept his gaze on me while he continued more softly, "I don't feel it as easily as other guys do. I can't get hard fast like I want to. I usually have to get rough on myself just to get going. Sometimes, I cum in a way that's less intense and I don't squirt. Other times, I cum really hard and I squirt a lot. Sometimes, I don't cum at all, but I still feel satisfied. It's like not getting my release is some sort of a reward for me."

I nodded and he continued, "I would rather eat a girl out or rub her on top than put it in. I like hurting myself sometimes before the act. I've gone too far at times. I broke my arm, once."

His eyes searched me, again. I waited for him to keep going and he did, "The most exciting thing is when another guy of my choosing gets involved. Not so much to penetrate me but another guy knows the tricks I need to get going. I like it most when I can watch while he satisfies my girl. I like touching her, afterwards, when she's all sweaty and spent and blissful."

He was searching my eyes once more. He was waiting for me to be upset. He seemed to think I would want to call him out for being gross, or I would say getting another person involved was too much trouble or too weird. Instead, I asked, "Is that why Charlotte is with Kevin by our room every other night?"

Dean lifted one brow like he was intrigued I was asking such a simple question after all that I had heard. He answered me anyway, "She's over the top. She thinks that my brother and I have a sexual rivalry and she thinks I'll get involved out of jealousy if I hear them going at it."

"Are you attracted to her?" I asked, legitimately wondering.

"No," Dean answered easily.

"Are you attracted to me?" I asked, really hoping he would answer positively.

He grew quiet again, but I could see the answer in his expression.

"Yes."

"And you're attracted to me even though I'm pregnant?" I asked.

"Especially because you're pregnant. It's something I haven't...explored before," Dean answered with a hard swallow.

"Then how come you don't want to show me?" I asked.

"I don't want to subject you to my shit, Liz. It's a lot to take in when you're new. I don't want you to think you have to be into that stuff just to get me to like you. I'm not like other guys. Most of them have a lot of fantasies but they don't actually engage. Most of them don't need to hurt themselves, either. You're...very pure, in every sense of the word. That's not a bad thing. In fact, it's even more of a turn on," Dean stated.

I tried to counter his beliefs about me by arguing, "I can't run very well at the moment, but I wouldn't mind a good chase in the future. I don't mind being rough with you or you being a little rough with me. I went to public school, so I know what eating out is and I think I can handle it. If you're looking for another guy to join us, I've heard that Sheamus likes both men and women and I think he's really handsome and I trust him."

Dean chuckled airily and shook his head, asking, "Why do you do that?"

"What?" I asked, confused.

"Why do you try to make things easier for me to be damaged when you should just walk away and forget it?"

I hugged him more closely and answered, "I told you that I love you, and I'm not going to take that back because you look different and you've got unique tastes and you might be a masochist."

The faint sound of a car engine came from the distance. Dean got up and helped me to my feet, saying, "Your ride is here."

He led me out of the broken down cottage and we walked toward a pair of tiny headlights parked in the tall grass. It was a few minutes before I could make out Uncle Trumbly's classic car. Dean let me get into the backseat with him. I saw Marlyn in the passenger seat and Trumbly at the wheel. Marlyn looked back at me with a tragic expression, but I was too tired to think straight and I just settled my head on Dean's shoulder to fall asleep.

On the ride back home, Trumbly told me, "We're going to sit down tomorrow and talk about everything that has happened today, Liz. You're eighteen now so you can move out on your own if you like, or we can set up a permanent residence at the house for you. We can work on getting you a bank account, a job; everything you need. We are also going to talk about your feelings for Dean. I'm not condoning your relationship but we need to sit down and discuss what it means and how to move forward."

My uncle said something else I didn't catch in my daze, probably a pessimistic observation of some sort, then he went on, "We also need to talk about Sami. The doctor said that he's having great difficulty speaking due to the trauma he went through, although there is nothing clinically wrong with his voice if he wants to talk. He has also developed a strong attachment to you and he truly believes you are an angel and you were sent to find him. It's just not healthy. You can still be friends with Sami, but he needs to know that you're not some creature of the heavens and you're not always going to be there to bail him out when he's in trouble."

I was almost completely asleep. I murmured without thinking, "Okay, Daddy."

Trumbly didn't say another word, and I fell into a deep and dreamless sleep.