"Gran Mag…"
Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…
Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…
Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…
Part XI…
Stuart had heard my tale of seduction, deceit, betrayal, suspense, bold heroics, and even, horror, with a mixture of puzzlement, fascination, and a certain level of disbelief…
Amy's sister?...A seductive fiend bent on destroying her sister and incidentally, all Mankind?...And Womenkind…I believe I've noted she hates women as much as men…Though she doesn't go that way, so far as Amy knows, so she seems to prefer to destroy them secondarily.
She does like children though. Which is no doubt why she's such a leading pediatric neurologist…
Still, he had to admit, while pondering the case I'd spread before him with incisive brilliance…The Fowler intellect, that glorious basic body plan, coupled to French arts of dress, elegance, and sophistication, twisted to the Dark Side? A truly frightening potential….Given that smoldering sexuality so characteristic of Fowler women…
"Ow! Sheldon!...What the hell?!"
I intensify annoyed glare… "Let that be a warning, Stuart! Amy is not for you!"
"Ok, ok…Right…" Sigh… "Sorry…Maybe I was getting carried away there."
"Apology provisionally accepted…" I relent…My trademark ju-jitsu moves once again having established the territorial bounds. "It's understandable you'd continue to sigh after Amy Farrah Fowler…"
"She is one hell of a woman. You're a lucky man, Sheldon Cooper. And nice to see you finally grew enough of a real brain and heart to appreciate her, tin man." wry smile.
"Luck has nothing to do with it. My superior intellect and my general genetic fitness for producing superior offspring were apparent to Amy Farrah Fowler from the moment Koothrappali and Wolowitz set us up that dating service. Logic and the forces of Evolution dictated we should eventually mate…"
Little did I know, then…
Logic?…Nothing to do with it…
Evolution? In part…
Fate? Hmmmn, some…
The wild love of two young girls wise enough to know what they wanted…And determined to get it with a fixation that would shame Gatesby?…
Oh, yeah…
"Uh-huh…"
"Plus I'm a stud…And so cute a moon-pie as to set her sexual furnace to danger, whoa…"
Stuart, staring…Finally head shake…
(Just because I know I'm wise to have grown a part of a brain and heart capable of appreciating Amy Farrah Fowler is no reason I must admit it to anyone. Except her…)
"But therein lies the problem…Charlotte now sees me as the prize of prizes. The clear path to finally destroying her sister's potential for happiness forever…"
"You…?" Stuart eyes me… "She wants…You?" he shook his head… "Well, I suppose if she really…Really hates Amy. And given I can't for the life of me figure out how Amy can tolerate you…"
I rise, resuming annoyed glare, preparing a second ju-jitsu strike…
Stuart put up a hand… "Ok…Sorry…Lets consider the matter."
I sit…Placated…For the moment my wrath appeased by the need to focus on the greater good. The happiness of Amy Farrah Fowler…
"If I grant that Charlotte is the monster you describe…And that's taking life pretty far into comic book territory…Which generally hasn't happened since the Cold War…"
"Au contraire…I must point out that the new movie Iron Man, Tony Stark, fights in Afghanistan."
"True enough…" Stuart wisely accepting my point." But I think we need to consult another point of reference here, Sheldon. One, despite my passion for things comic and graphic, I'm fully versed in…As is Amy."
Narrowing of eyes…I see he cannot refrain from his attempts to link himself and my Amy at some level…
But, for the moment, I need any allies I can get, and he has a useful working knowledge of our group dynamic, so I need him. Plus, given my knowledge of Amy…And my stated superior intellect…I've anticipated the reference…
"You mean…Classic film…" I note, a tad smugly.
"Yeah…I didn't think you indulged in anything but sci-fi and fantasy…" Stuart, impressed.
"My film closet was, I confess, a little small. Amy Farrah Fowler felt it bonding to introduce me to her passion for old classics. I have, as a result, gradually expanded my interest in the media niche of classic film like a budding rose under the lamp of her warm enthusiasm and delight in my growing appreciation…"
"Great…Then you see where I'm going with this. It's in classic film…Film noir, I'd say…Where we can find a reference and guidance. Your story fits well into the genre of scheming femme fatales…"
"Agreed…" I nod… "But please note Charlotte Magdelena Fowler's rage at Humanity exceeds the usual noir quest for money and some hunkish, studly fellow. Though it does play a role here…Me being a stud…"
"Right…" sigh.
"In any case, my time is short. Charlotte is rapidly ensconcing herself within our group, I know. Poor Amy wants to believe in her sister's reformation and her professed love for her and her judgment is, possibly fatally, clouded by that and her detailed knowledge of Charlotte's sufferings . And to be frank with someone not normally worthy of such a confidence…Stuart…I'm a world-shaking genius in the theoretical world, but somewhat at sea in the savage jungle of practical, everyday reality. I don't know if I have the skills to cope with a player like Charlotte who functions so capably with people. Deceit and seduction just aren't my forte…Surprising as it may seem to you…I lack people skills."
Hmmn…Stuart staring…
"I know you deny it…" I went on…
"Oh, no…You do lack people skills, Sheldon. In fact I don't know sometimes how you survive in the real world at all."
Frown…(me, naturally…)
"But the point to be taken here is that to beat Charlotte, you have to play from your strengths, as she does."
"But she's strong at almost all levels…Not my equal in theoretical physics of course but in practical action and integration with people. Not to mention she's a whiz at deceit and male seduction and I'm proficient at neither."
Hmmn…Stuart, blinking a bit at the last. Well…He put up a hand…
"But you do have one advantage, Sheldon. Unbelievable as it may seem to me…You have friends." Stuart notes. "And I doubt she does. Followers and minions maybe…But, if she's what you say…No friends…No one who'll work for her independently, out of friendship." shrewd nod.
"Really?"
Hmmn…Never considered that the said 'friends' might be more than an annoying encumbrance, useful solely for transport and obtaining supplies and occasionally holding places at tables. Still…
"Well 'friends' or not…In a very short time I will caught, like a fly in amber, unable to clamber out. And Amy will be convinced of my doubts about us, my general instability as a long-term mate, and that I made the moves on Charlotte, if only to break us up out of some ridiculous fear of commitment. Stuart, you've got to help me…For Amy's sake, if you ever truly cared…I did say cared, not care…Because it is forever in the past tense…For her." I raise ju-jitsu arm of death…
"Yeah…Fine…I'll do what I can, Sheldon…For Amy's sake…And as a friend."
(Note-promote one Stuart to friend from treasured acquaintance…)
"…But you need proof. As Mark Stevens did in 'The Dark Corner' when Clifton Webb had him pinned like a butterfly. And ready to deliver to the cops as the killer…"
I nod…Excellent analogy…
"Well…It's getting late. There's not much we can do now and you'd probably do best to get some sleep. I'll set you up on the couch…"
Hmmn…
"Couch?"
"Believe me, Sheldon…It's better than my bed…" sigh.
Hmmn…Given that his financial circumstances force him to live in his shop I would have to agree that's likely…
"Very well…But equally important…" I note. "I have to get word to Amy that Charlotte is scheming against her and that I am true to her without hesitation. I can't leave her suffering like this…"
"True…" Stuart, sighing… "She sounded pretty bad when she called…"
"There must be a way…If I could just get word to her without alerting Charlotte. But I'm sure Charlotte is watching her every move, like a hawk. And the others are no help…Except for Penny…Who is seeking confirmation of my story…In her limited way. They're all taken in…"
"Penny?" Stuart, thoughtful… "So we do have an inside man…Woman…"
"You have a proposal?"
"Something is occurring to me. But I need to flesh it out…How's about we consult the reference material? One film in particular, I think…"
Hmmn…?
"Ever seen 'The Third Man'?" Stuart, shrewd look.
…..
Meanwhile at the hotel, true to expected form, Charlotte had found a way to keep Leonard handy as an instrument both of amusement and Penny-torment without showing her hand…
Though for Charlotte, torment is amusement…
Merely a reflection on the fact that it was indeed very late/Very rainy…Leonard seemed very tired…
Poor lamb…
Though Charlotte I believe made use of "tres" several times in place of "very"…
The French are like that. Even the American-born, naturalized ones…
And the clever clincher being it would be a shame not to have someone by with a car should any word of my existence pop up overnight.
Naturally my thoughtful Amy was quickly moved by the portrait of poor very tired Leonard, driving through very rainy streets at a tres late hour to suggest he stay in the suite's living room on a roll-away bed that could be summed from the hotel staff.
Naturally I suspect it was the hope she might have reason to wake him at some tres ungodly hour to chase me down on the slightest rumor of my presence on the street that clinched it for her…
She loves me…I like that.
(By the way…I do not do roll-away beds…For future reference…)
"Ok…" Penny glanced at her temporary roomies…Amy, still in her witch costume, looking forlorn and rather like the girl dragon in the original "Shrek" after Donkey had left her at the castle keep… (That was sad…In case you're unfamiliar with the original "Shrek"…), Charlotte, in elegant bedgown, rather enjoying her first slumber party in 21 years. Particularly since no one was trying to use her for a human piñata and her sister was clearly suffering agonies over her missing fiancée , Bernadette in hotel robe and…
(Children out again, please…I'll wait…Thank you…)
…Her unmentionables. A bit downcast over her friend's sorrowing distress and her own relationship, currently running sourly…
(The children…If as I said, well-behaved and quiet…May return…Though not that one in the black, he was rude…
Bazinga…I can't see them of course….Including any in black…I was just offering light humor to ease the heart-gripping tension…)
…As all four sat on Charlotte's bed, margaritas in hands…
Penny, pulling at her sweatshirt under her hotel robe, trying to keep herself from asking about Charlotte's nightgown, obviously a piece from a fine Paris shop. Which a second later, naturally, she asked about…
"That's lovely, Charlotte. Something from one of those little boutique-ly things on the Champs El-I see-ay? Tray fancy…"
(Penny, attempting to demonstrate she can master French…
Again I cannot choose the tools I must work with…)
"Oh, no…I picked it up at Walmart's coming in…" Charlotte, smiling gently. "Just a little fiddling with ribbon and lace…"
"Charlotte was always good at sewing and dressmaking…" Amy noted. Glance out window…Sigh…
My God, she's Martha Stewart as well? Well, that fits…Penny, pasting a smile…
"Nice…" she noted, nodding.
"Yes…When we were children spending summers in Maine before she went to France, Charlotte used to make our bathing costumes." Amy eyed Charlotte.
"Now…Amy…It was of necessity…Father refused to have a dress-maker come. And no store that carried my size would allow enough extra cloth to cover my 'Lumps'".
"'Lumps'?" Penny stared.
"Oh, yes…Amy, do you have the photo from that last summer before I went to France you used to carry around?"
"Right here…" Amy reached in the folds of her gown and pulled out a wallet. Which she opened. Gingerly pulling out a photo at Charlotte's urging…Which she handed to Penny who blanched. Bernadette repressing a terrified gasp.
"Oh my God! I mean, how sweet…You and Amy…There's your not so little arm around her neck."
"That's a 'lump'." Charlotte noted. "I was leaning my head on her shoulder. I couldn't raise it up straight and it got tiring after a bit. Fortunately the 'lumps' were all benign."
"Right…" Penny nodded…Hastily handing photo back…
"We grew very attached to them...Remember 'Mr. Fuggles', Amy?"
"How could I forget...?" Amy, faint smile. "We had him to tea every afternoon..."
"You named your...'Lumps'?" Bernadette asked. "And had them...To tea?"
"Only the ones large enough to stand alone..." Charlotte noted.
"Right..." Penny, blinking..She and Bernadette struggling not to gag. "Well...Not wanting to interrupt a nice walk down memory lane..."
"So…Shall we tear Sheldon to pieces in effigy and then spend all night denouncing his lack of upper body strength. Spastic inability to walk, run, or swim well?" Bernadette's eager voice…
"Right after we finish with your dwarfish, horny little ex-pervert?!" reddening Amy hollered, suddenly…Startling the others…
She sighed, calming…
"Sorry, Bernie…I understand you were indulging in a Sheldoneque bazinga to cheer me." she apologized to the stricken Bernadette. "I'm not my perky, up-beat self tonight. But I must defend my future, hopefully, spouse, even if he's fled our coop, so to speak. He runs very well…And you know he is the only male in our circle who can dance well. Both which belies your claims regarding spastic inability…"
(As I said…She loves me…And I like that.)
"Yes…That was a bit harsh on poor Sheldon, Bernadette…" Charlotte noted, patting Amy's shoulder. "Given we don't know what or who caused his sudden departure. Apart from his strange neuroses…And the understandable fear the reality of the approaching nuptials would cause…"
"Could we perhaps find another subject than Sheldon or our wedding for the moment…?" Amy asked, a bit tersely.
"Oh, certainly…" Charlotte… "Is Maman coming for the party?"
Yes, an innocent look covering yet another dagger stroke…
"She said she'd try…" Amy sighed. "She will be here for the wedding, unfortunately…"
"That's a pity…Though I'm naturally eager to see her." Charlotte…
"You don't want your mother at the wedding?" Penny asked, startled…Perhaps as much by Charlotte's casual agreement in the notion that said "Maman" Fowler wouldn't be a welcome guest at the nuptials.
"Having Mother at my wedding making Cassandra-like prophecies of doom, while criticizing every aspect of my dress, posture, the arrangements, Sheldon, my friends, my life, etc, etc? And explaining to me in private, before the ceremony, how sex is a burden to be borne, in her case not even rewarded with desirable offspring, and her various dodges for avoiding sexual congress…?" Amy eyed Penny. Charlotte, rolling eyes in agreement… "How could I wish to be denied that?"
"Maman can be a bit critical…" Charlotte sighed.
"Has it been a long time since you've seen her?" Penny asked.
"By computer, two days…In the flesh…Twenty-one years…"
"Twenty-one years?" Penny stared.
"I was in France. And Mother was much too busy to visit during my school, surgery, rehab, and college years. Then, what with med school and my work and various things, I was too busy to visit her in America. Though I did get to see Amy a few Christmases when Mother wanted an empty house for her guests and when I've come for various conferences…"
Amy sighing…"One of the advantages of doing school in France…"