"Inadequacies, Bold Statements and a Pension to Forget"
6:21 pm
How the hell does this happen to me?
I mean here I am minding my own business, fantasizing about Tifa and all the nasty things I can do to her off the top of my head, completely content with the fact that I may never be able to exercise any of them. Then, out of nowhere, pops this equally hot chick who actually takes an interest to me.
Aerith. What's wrong with her?
'She's probably blind.'
What does she want from me?
'She's probably a jaded lesbian wanting to experiment with guys now and is starting from the bottom, with the lowest common denominator. In this case: you.'
The bastard's ruthlessness was out in full swing today. Then again, it always pretty much was. It kept you guessing what derogatory remark would get fired next.
"Cloud," Aerith said, interrupting my thoughts.
I turned to her. "Yeah?"
"Do you have a girlfriend?"
Goddamn women and their trap questions!
"Um, well… let's see…" I paused, pretending to think. "I think... No," I deadpanned, trying hard not to smile.
She didn't bode so well, cracking up immediately. "You're a funny guy, Mr. Cloud. I'm glad I've met someone like you."
My heart rate skyrocketed.
Aerith studied me intensely, causing me to become very self conscious. It also finally occurred to me just then that I was in the social company of a hot female.
This can't be real. Am I dreaming?
'You will be if you mess it all up.'
'Blow me, dickwad.'
'Explain to me what part of your stupid attempt at an insult actually made any sense.'
"Cloud?"
"Hmm? He started it!" I blurted out.
Aeristh frowned. "Um... what?"
Oh. Right. Real life. "Nothing... Just... Never mind"
"Why do you always do that?"
"Do what?"
"Phase out like that. Almost look like a zombie. It's kinda creepy... but also kinda cute," she added with a smile.
I look like a zombie?
"Would you ever have sex with a zombie?" I asked.
"What?" Her eyes widened.
Oh my god! Oh my god… Did I seriously just ask that?
'Kill yourself. Now.'
"Um, I mean, would you ever have sex with someone who looked like a zombie?" Shit! No!
'Dude! What the-are you serious right now?'
What the hell's wrong with me? I held my breath in anticipation and watched Aerith. She just glared at me for the longest while with this confused expression before smiling mischievously.
"Depends... if he's a sexy zombie or not." Her lashes fluttered seductively when she said this. "What about you, Cloud? What kinds of girls do you like?"
"The kind that wear tight clothing and show skin." Damnit. Why'd that come out in the open?
"Kinda like what I'm wearing then?"
No, not like that at all. "Yeah, exactly like that." Idiot. Shut up already! Shut it!
"What else do you look for in a woman, Cloud?"
Just don't say anything. Behave and control yourself. "A firm butt and nice, supple breasts." Why won't you shut up? Why? It's like the filter inside my mind has packed up and left the building. I. Am. Officially. Screwed.
Aerith's eyes lit up immediately. "Oh? A firm butt? Kinda like this one?" She turned around and gave her backside a light pinch before gently smacking it. Instantly, it became impossible for me to get up.
Damn you, woman. What are you doing to me?! My loins were screaming out in pain. I could hear them:
"WE'RE ON FIRE! PUT US OUT! PLEASE, PUT US OUT!"
How did things escalate this quickly?
'You've already come this far. Might as well roll with the punches now.'
If only someone or something could interrupt this moment right now. I need a time out.
Just then, my phone rang. What. The. Hell?
I looked over at Aerith. She seemed slightly disappointed with the phone interruption and fell back into her chair. "Aren't you going to answer it, Cloud?"
And so I did. "Uh, yeah?" I asked.
"Yo." His voice was deep but clear. Unmistakable. With unmatched confidence.
Goddamnit. Him of all people?
"Hey… Zack…" Aerith began to distract herself by stirring her coffee. I turned away so she couldn't hear. "What is it? Why are you calling me now?"
Even though I couldn't see him, I was sure he was frowning at that very question. Trust me. Brothers just know sometimes.
"Can't I call you to see how you're doing?"
I rolled my eyes in frustration. "You called me on Sunday night already."
He sighed. "That was five days ago, Cloud."
I had to control my rising irritation. See what he does? Constantly babying me like that? I hate it. "I'm fine," I growled, sounding a lot meaner than intended. I sighed quietly, disappointed with my behavior. "Sorry..."
He was quiet for a moment. "I have a game coming up next Saturday. We're going to be playing your school."
WHAT? "Next Saturday?"Shit.
"Yep. Hey, listen…" He went quiet once more, as if struggling for words. "Hey… I was wondering if you might come out to the game. I know you're not a big fan of watching competitive sports, but if-"
"I'll be there." And not just as a spectator this time, Zack. This was my chance to show him what I was capable of on my own.
"Yeah?" He was clearly surprised.
"Yep."
"Okay… Cool. Everything else all right then for now?"
"Yeah, it's good."
"Okay. Then I'll talk to you later, okay?"
"Sure."
Click. Click. End conversation.
That's how brothers do it, folks. Nothing like sisters… or girls, to be more specific.
See, that's another beautiful thing about being a guy. On top of being able to take a piss standing up, our conversations are also extremely short and to the point. We say what needs to be said and get on with it. It's called maximizing efficiency, ladies.
Oh don't give me those evil glares. You all know it's true. Don't even try to deny it.
When a chick calls up her female friend asking what they're going to be doing on the weekend, they don't actually get to the topic at hand until several hours later into the conversation.
Ahem, allow me to provide an example:
Chick1: Hey, chick2, what's up, girlfriend?
Chick2: Hey! What's up, girl?
Chick1: So, what're you up to this weekend?
Chick2: Oh I dunno. Maybe we can both go shopping?
Chick1: Hey, yeah! Okay, let's plan now what we're gonna go shop for. But first, on a totally unrelated note, what do you think of the new skank who struts her ass around?
Chick2: You mean chick3?
Chick1: Yeah, her! I hate that bitch.
Chick2: Oh yeah, me too, sweetie.
Chick1: Total slut. I mean, who does she think she is?
Chick2: Mmmhmm. I don't know who she's trying to impress with those fake silicone breasts of hers. Ugh... such a terrible boob job.
Chick1: And her bubble but.
Chick2: Eww… I know.
Both giggle hysterically like maniacs for several minutes. Giggling subsides. Ensues once more. Subsides a second time.
Chick1: So, like, what's up with you and Guy1?
Chick2: Oh you know… we're on again, off again.
Chick1: Aww… but you two make such a cute couple. Why do you fight all the time?
Chick2: That whore chick3 is trying to butt-in and steal my guy.
Chick1: Ohmygosh! We have to poke her eyes out!
Chick2: I'll have my fingernails sharpened.
Chick1: Ohmygosh! We can, like, do that when we go shopping!
Chick2: Oh yeah! Hey, on another totally unrelated note…
Okay. Now here's a conversation between two guys planning something for the weekend:
Guy1: Yo.
Guy2: Sup.
Guy1: You free this weekend?
Guy2: Yep.
Guy1: Cool. Hit a bar or club?
Guy2: Yep.
Guy1: Cool. Later.
Guy2. Yep.
That's it. That is it. Witness and marvel at the efficiency. Like I said, ladies: we got you beat there. Oh don't hate me. I tell only the truth. Nothing more.
'Weren't you suspended from junior high for constantly lying to others?'
Details... Details...
"So who was that? If you don't mind me asking, that is," Aerith said. "
"Uh, just my brother."
Her eyebrows rose in curiosity. "Oh? That's neat. Older?"
"Yeah," I said with a nod.
"Does he go to school?"
"The one across the state."
"Cool."
It felt weird to continue off where we left off prior to the cell phone interruption. It wasn't like I could actually dive back into a conversation full of sexual tension and innuendo.
'Sure you could. What's stopping you?'
'Shut up.'
'Pussy.'
6:57 pm
Now I wished I'd never answered the phone. Damn. Stupid Zack. Stupid phone call. Stupid coincidence.
'What the hell? Didn't you ask for an interruption so you could get out of it?'
'Have I told you how much I hate it when you act like a smartass?'
'Have I told you how much I think you're a retard?'
I brooded internally.
"You okay?" Aerith asked. We were outside at the diner and the cascading orange hues in the sky from the setting sun made everything appear surreal. It was like I was in a painting.
"Fine." I forced a smile. But honestly, I was starting to enjoy talking to her. It made me feel… lighter. Less stressed out. I was loosening up and relaxing more.
Suddenly, Aerith's eyes widened as she looked past me. "Whoa… what's he doing here?"
"He?" Who? I heard several heavy footsteps approach from behind and saw a shadow loom overhead. Turning around, I peered up at Sephiroth.
"Hey," he greeted plainly.
"Oh, hey, Sephiroth." Crap, what was he doing here?
He quickly glanced over to Aerith and then back to me. "Are you showing up for the workout today?"
Workout? What? "Workout?" I stared up at him in confusion.
He chuckled briefly. "Don't tell me you don't know?"
"We have a workout?"
"Yes. It's mandatory. Wallace is there and he wants you to show up and see what you've got."
"I-" I stopped and peered at Aerith, who seemed to be extremely interested in our conversation. "Sorry... I didn't know. When is it?"
Sephiroth regarded me in question. "Right now. I've been walking around trying to find you for the last five minutes."
Boy do I feel like an idiot. Here I am, happily chatting away with an attractive female, completely neglecting my other duties. Like my commitment to the football team, or my Engineering Mechanics test tomorrow, or my-
OH SHIT! MY ENGINEERING MECHANICS TEST! Curse you, Aerith! Curse you and your seductive aura of sexual energy. "Uh, Sephiroth?" I stood up immediately.
He took a step back. "Sup?"
"Crap… Shit." I looked around desperately, glancing at my watch. Oh… NO!
"What's up?" Sephiroth asked again.
"Damnit, I'm sorry. I have this Mech test tomorrow that I completely forgot about until now." I glanced over at Aerith, who all of a sudden appeared guilty... and remarkably uncomfortable... "Cloud… You have a test? Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I-"
"No, it's okay. It's my fault. I should've remembered." And I really should have.
Sephiroth gazed at me with a hint of disapproval. Obviously, this didn't look good. Not only are you asked to report to a mandatory training session that you're late for on account of socializing with a member of the opposite sex, but you also choose the worst possible time to bring up another task on your agenda that you embarrassingly forgot about.
"If you have a test, why are you hanging out with your girlfriend then?" he said.
She's not my girlfriend. You prick. "Um... because... Um..."
Aerith looked away in embarrassment but Sephiroth never flinched, his penetrating eyes set on me.
"Okay, first of all, she's not my girlfriend." Why the hell did I say it like that? So defensively?
'My thoughts exactly. Oh no! Sephiroth accused you of having a girlfriend! The horror!'
"Second of all, why don't you just go fuck yourself, you smug asshole?" I'd wanted to say that for a while. Okay, so I lied. I didn't actually say that. Although I wish I would have. Had you all fooled there for a second, didn't I?
'No.'
This is what I actually said: "Second of all, I really forgot, man. I'm sorry. I wouldn't just do this to skip practice or anything."
Sephiroth's hard eyes softened as he nodded. He sighed and looked away for a moment. "You still got enough time to study for your exam tonight?"
I looked at the floor and shrugged. "I guess…" I felt so ashamed right now.
He sighed once more. "Okay, tell you what. I'll go talk to Wallace, you go prep for your exam. I'll make sure he understands this time. But I don't think he'll always be this forgiving. Cool?"
I stared at him in awe and wonder. Was he for real? Just what the hell was this guy's problem? Why did he always have to be so damn nice? Why couldn't he be a jerk just once? Why?
'Are you insane?'
Arghh! Damn him! Goddamn him! Now I couldn't hate him. There was absolutely no way I could hate him after this. Shit. Crap. Piss. Now I hated him because I couldn't hate him. Did that make any sense? Argh, Sephiroth! Why was he such a bastard?
My head was about to explode. I clutched my temples and staggered away.
Sephiroth moved forward and placed a hand on my shoulder to keep me balanced. "Hey, Cloud, you okay? Do you need any-"
"NO!" I shouted furiously. "I don't need any of your help, okay! Thank you very much." That was no thought. This time I actually said it for real, folks.
Sephiroth pulled back. "Whoa, easy there. I'm just trying to…"
Don't say it. Don't fucking say it.
"…help."
I'll… fucking… kill you!
'Get a grip you, retard! You're embarrassing yourself further. Just chill out.'
I complied. Cloud now proceeding to go from calm... to calmer... to calmest... to calmingest.
'That last one's not a word, you dink.'
My left eye twitched.
"Aerith, I'm sorry but I have to go study. Sephiroth... thanks," I said through gritted teeth.
"Bye, Cloud." Aeris said, getting up as well. "I gotta get going, too. I'll talk to you later." Waving goodbye, she jogged off at an alarming pace, almost like she was running from someone.
Sephiroth nodded to me. "Make sure to get some sleep tonight. Don't pull an all-nighter. Headaches aren't the best thing to carry into an exam."
Oh, thank you for your advice, Great One! Please, what further information and words of wisdom can you bestow upon me, you perfect asshole?
8:01 pm
Note to self: plot Sephiroth's assassination.
8:59 pm
Okay, so I've drawn out a plan. Here's what I got so far...
'Um, hello? Studying? Test tomorrow? You've already wasted another hour.'
Crap.
9:04 pm
That's Sephiroth's fault, too.
9:21 pm
Goddamn bastard thinks he can-
'Okay! We get it. Why don't you actually do what you came here to do?'
9:52 pm
I still hate Sephiroth. More than anybody.
'Christ, you're dumb.'
10:21 pm
I hate everybody right now… including Cid. Why does he have to torture us with a stupid exam tomorrow? I hate him the most.
12:31 pm
In the 5 plus hours I've spent cooped up in my dorm so far, I've taken a count of the things I've accomplished so far:
Total amount of time spent bitching about Sephiroth and others (i.e. Zack, Cid, the world, why bags of potato chips are never filled all the way up to the top, etc.): 3 hours, 40 minutes, 28 seconds.
Total amount of time spent thinking about Tifa: 39 minutes, 45 seconds.
Total amount of time spent thinking about Aerith: 34 minutes, 12 seconds.
Total amount of time spent staring at the ceiling like a retard, muttering a string of incoherent words: 7 minutes, 4 seconds.
Total amount of time actually spent studying: 3 minutes, 37 seconds.
Total amount of time spent crying: 0.
Ha! You assholes. Did you really expect me to go do that?
'What the hell are you talking about? You cry all the time. Hell, you cried the other day after someone dissed something you posted on a gaming forum.'
'Man, shut up.'
1:59 am
Crap I'm tired. All-nighter? Nah... I couldn't. It would leave my brain fried in the morning. I needed sleep.
But then I remembered what Sephiroth said...
4:17 am
Ha! Screw you, Sephiroth. Yes you. I'll sleep when I damn well please. Bet you're not laughing now, are you, bitch? I win.
'Yes, I'm sure he's saddened by the fact that you get to stay up all night and suffer while he doesn't. Good job. You win at sucking at life.'