Chapter Twelve

Because Matt wouldn't agree to go to marriage counseling, Julie went to counseling by herself. The therapist dug deep, deeper than was comfortable. The woman made her think about why Matt may have been working so much, if perhaps he felt neglected himself, if Jackson, and Julie's worries about him, had somehow become the center of her world.

"I'm certainly not saying this is all your fault," the therapist told Julie. "But you can only work on yourself. You can't work on him. He has to work on himself."

"What if he doesn't?"

"Either he'll divorce you, or he'll come back to you. The first is not your decision, but in the case of the second…if he comes back and doesn't want to work on the marriage, just expects to keep going on as before…you're going to have to decide whether or not you can do that – whether, in your case, an unhappy marriage is better than divorce."

Divorce wouldn't make her happy either. So, what, she got to choose between one unhappiness or another? How fair was that?

Julie sometimes wished Matt would just send her divorce papers. Then, at least, she wouldn't have to decide. This in-between, this purgatory was such an awful place, that she thought it must be worse than hell. At least when you were in hell, you knew where you were going to be tomorrow. You could start accepting the place.

Julie also took Jackson to a psychologist for an evaluation. The psychologist agreed that he seemed developmentally delayed and suggested that he may be at risk for a development disorder, but he felt that it was too early to make a confident diagnosis. He suggested Julie get tutoring for him, help him find an activity he loved to boost his confidence, see that he continued to interact with kids his age, and otherwise "kept an eye on things." He also told her that she should try to keep things as amicable as possible with "the father." Julie cringed to hear her first love, her high school sweetheart, her husband of seven years referred to that way – as "the father." But he was fast becoming "the father," wasn't he?

When Julie told Matt about the trip to the psychologist, he said, "See, I told you that you were overreacting."

"Didn't you hear? He's at risk for a developmental disorder."

"You're getting him tutoring though?"

Julie sighed. "I just…I just want you to acknowledge my worries."

"Acknowledged. You're worried. But that's not what you want. You want me to freak out as much as you are. But a kid needs balance, right? He doesn't need two parents freaking out about him."

Since the "separation," Matt had actually become more involved in Jackson's life. Maybe he felt guilty about living in the studio and contemplating a permanent separation of the family, or maybe he was doing some quiet work on his own Julie knew nothing about, but he made more time for Jackson. He worked fewer hours. In October, he asked to take the boy on a four-day camping weekend, and Julie agreed.

Restless, upset, and not quite sure what to do with herself, Julie ran to the one person she felt had never judged her, even when he had disagreed with her. She flew to El Paso, rented a car, and began the drive to Flowering Ash Vineyards, where Grandpa Taylor lived with his second wife.

Julie thought Flowering Ash was a strange name for a winery, but Grandpa's wife Katrina had named the place after one of the southwestern native plants that lined the scenic path to the bed and breakfast. Apparently Katrina got a lot of compliments on the name, but it made Julie think the wine would have too much sediment.

As she drove past brownish fields and dusty landscape, she tried to imagine a winery thriving in this land, but she pulled into the place in the shadow of the mountains, and saw the vines weaving in row upon row. She crunched over the pebbled road, passed the six-bedroom bed and breakfast the couple had opened together before they were even married, and parked at the main house.