Chapter 12: The Heartbreak

"You still not feeling okay?" Summer asked, noting that Taylor looked unusually pale, as they were walking to Berkeley together a few weeks later. Summer had taken the day off from work, simply because she'd been stressing herself out lately, and since she had all this spare-time today, she'd decided to walk Taylor to class.

"No, I threw up this morning too." Taylor said, shaking her head, but she wasn't too worried, even though she'd had for almost two weeks. "I think it's just the flu. Practically my entire class have got it. It's scarily empty in there, and dead quiet."

"You sure you're not…?" Summer wondered, barely daring to finish the sentence.

"Positive. I had my period last week, thank god." She had been delayed that week, and had been out of herself with concern. It wasn't that she didn't want kids one day, because she really did, being around Sophie and Jared so much had made her realize that. She could even picture herself becoming a really good mom maybe within a few years if the right guy came along, because with the situation, it didn't seem like she and Ryan would ever be together. They were still doing their ridiculous cheating/ we're just friends-thing, and as things were now, the situation was anything but ideal to bring a child to the world.

"Good." Summer sighed in relief. "Because if you had been…" When Taylor had told her about her and Ryan, she'd been anything but happy. Her initial response, when she'd heard about the ring he'd given her for Christmas, had been to kill him, but Taylor had been able to keep her from it and eventually calm her down. Taylor had even managed to convince Summer not to talk to Ryan about it, and though she certainly didn't approve of what they were doing, Summer really did love Ryan and Taylor as a couple, and felt they were obviously meant to be. It just made her frustrated that two people like that couldn't actually be together, and that they had to cheat and break the trust of someone else. Summer loved Ryan with all her heart, but she thought he was an idiot and a jackass for not telling Sarah, and if he didn't dare tell her as the situation was now, how would he be able to tell her if Taylor had indeed been pregnant? Summer therefore continued to nag Taylor by telling her over and over again to end things with Ryan before something like a pregnancy actually occurred, but so far, the results had yet to show since they were still hooking up occasionally.

"I know, I know." Taylor was well aware of her concerns as they had talked about every detail of the relationship a thousand times, and today, she really didn't feel like going over it all again. Luckily for her, they had now reached campus, and after saying a quick good-bye, Taylor rushed away.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After class, Taylor felt pumped with energy, the way professor Andrews' class always made her feel. She really loved the way he taught and his classes never got boring. His classes and tutoring had actually made her consider pursuing a career as a languages teacher if she ever figured out that she didn't want to work with marketing. Now having a few nice options for possible careers, Taylor felt way less stressed out because she'd finally realized that she could do almost anything she'd put her mind to, and that she didn't have to figure out right now what she wanted to do for the rest of her life. If she changed her mind down the road, that would be okay too.

So wrapped up in her own thoughts, Taylor didn't even notice the guy from her class that was walking right beside her in the narrow doorway as she made her way out of class, and before she knew it, they'd collided and their books were lying everywhere.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry", Taylor said as both she and the guy bent over to pick up the right books and collect all the papers that were now scattered all over the floor.

"No, no, it's okay. It's my fault", the guy said, and picked up the last piece of paper and gave it to Taylor. They both got up from the floor and faced each other, and seeing him, Taylor recognized him and remembered seeing him far back in class, eagerly taking notes. But it wasn't until she got up close that she noticed how cute he was. He was rather athletic looking and about 6 feet tall and had dark brown hair and sparkling hazel eyes.

"So, I'm Ben", he began, smiling a little, and she noted that he had a gorgeous smile. "I've seen you around campus a bit and I've been thinking…If you don't have any plans on Saturday, maybe we could go to the cinema…? See an Asian film, maybe eat some Thai food…what do you say?"

"Um, I…" Taylor was appalled and didn't know what to say. He had taken her completely by suprise, and she was confused towards this guy's question. Was he asking her out on a date? She had just met this Ben-guy and he was already asking her out?

"Oh," he saidhis smile fading and replacing it with a look of disappointment. "You seeing someone?"

How was she going answer that question? Was she seeing someone? She had no idea what actually counted as seeing someone. She couldn't exactly say: Yes, I'm in love with this guy who gave me an engagement ring for Christmas, but he's still with his girlfriend because her dad died, and now he and I are having a sexual relationship. Probably not what every guy wanted to hear when they asked a girl out. It was complicated even for her, so she couldn't very well tell this Ben-guy that. Being with Ryan had become this unattainable dream that never seemed realize, and she was seriously doubting that they would ever be together for real, but still she wasn't sure that she was willing to give that dream up.

"Kinda, I don't know…" What else was she going to say? Was she exclusive towards Ryan, but he wasn't towards her because he had his own girlfriend? They'd never actually set any rules for their relationship, and Taylor wasn't exactly sure how Ryan would react if he found out that Taylor had gone on a date without telling him. She was very torn on how to respond. Part of her wanted to go out with this guy to make Ryan jealous, so he could get an idea how she felt being the other woman, and another part of her felt that that would be unfair to this guy, and to herself. If Ryan wasn't ever going to tell Sarah, she deserved to meet some other nice guy, and Ben's inviting smile and kind eyes told her that he might just be as nice as he was hot.

Somehow Ben seemed amused by her answer and he laughed a little. "Well, get it straight, and if you decide that you're free…" he pulled out a piece of paper and scribbled down his name and number on it before handing it to her. "…You can just give me a call, and I'll pick you up at six."

Taylor just stood there speechless as he gave her the note. But there was something about Ben that made her return the smile he gave her when he walked off towards his buddies a couple of hundred yards away. He hadn't been afraid to take a chance on asking her out, though he knew nothing about her except that they were in the same class and though he had no idea if she had a boyfriend. He seemed a little adventurous, confident and he was very, very cute. Just by talking to him for those few seconds, she realized he was everything that Ryan wasn't, and that he was everything that she was missing from her current relationship. She hated having to sneak around with her relationship, and she realized that with another guy, she wouldn't have to. And there was just something about Ben that made her think that maybe, just maybe, she would actually give him a call.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Ryan got home from school later that afternoon, he found that Sarah was already at his place, cooking for him. This was nothing unusual. Often when he got home late from school, maybe after meeting Seth afterwards, he would find her there with an already set table and a nicely home cooked meal, like a regular 50s housewife. That was one thing he had to admit he liked about her, she was a great chef. That was pretty much what their relationship had turned into: she took care of him because she knew that if she didn't cook for him, he'd never eat anything proper or nitrous, and he knew that she wasn't capable to cope on her own after the tragic loss she'd suffered, and hence, he took care of her by just being there.

It wasn't as if they actually acted like a couple anymore. They hardly ever kissed, and the few times they did, it always felt wrong and they both pulled away rather quickly, and they hadn't slept together since her dad's death. Though he was fairly certain that she still loved him, even he couldn't imagine why she would want to stay together, there relationship was completely dead, and it seemed that there was nothing left to save. The girl he'd initially thought he could fall in love with someday, was merely a shadow of her old self, no matter how hard she tried to pretend she was still the same old girl, and a part of him pitied her for that. The other part somehow blamed her because, though he knew that it wasn't actually her fault and that she certainly hadn't wanted her father to die, she was still the reason that was keeping him from being with Taylor.

"Don't freak out or anything", Sarah said placing a pot of delicious smelling stew on the table, as he walked into the kitchen to greet her. "But I've been thinking…Maybe I should just stay here. You know, like, move in."

Ryan just stared at her and said nothing. He had no idea what to say. Their relationship was completely dead, even she must've realized that, and now she wanted to move? It made no sense to him at all, and he gained a confused look in his face.

"Oh my gosh, you think it's the worst idea ever! " Sarah suddenly realized, her face turning red. "Forget I ever said anything at all… and I'll just try to… not kill myself." She really just wanted to disappear. "It's just that…you know, I thought since my dorm is so tiny, and I practically spend all my waking hours at your place anyways…you know, that it' d be a good idea, but clearly you don't think so, and…" She was completely rambling in a very Taylor-like fashion without being aware of it, and seeing her like this somewhat reminded him of when he and Taylor had been together.

"No, no…That makes…sense", Ryan said nodding, still not daring to give her his own opinion of the matter.

"Really?" Her face lit up with a mixture of surprise and excitement. "You think it's a good idea?"

No, of course I don't think it's a good idea, he wanted to tell her, but at this point it seemed things couldn't get any worse anyways. What difference did it make if she moved in? She was right, she practically did spend all of her time at Ryan's anyways, and she made good food, and he was a freaking coward that hadn't told her the truth in all this time. It bothered him simply because he knew he'd put off for way too long, and now he feared it might even be too late. And as she threw her arms around him and kissed him in joy, he just sighed on the inside because it felt like he had lost all control over his own life. He was about to graduate from college in six weeks and he should be excited because his life should barely even have started. Yet, he had no hope and he felt no excitement for what was about to come. He was barely 25 years old and he already felt like his life was over.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Taylor hadn't seen Ryan for a couple of days, so when she bumped in to him at the school library, she figured it was about time that they should talk. Ryan told her he was there studying for one of his final exams, but after their formal greetings (they didn't want anyone at campus to realize their secret), Taylor decided to disturb him and took a seat right next next to him´. She figuered she should get right to the point. " So, the other day, this guy Ben in my class asked me out." She said it rather quick, because she wasn't sure of how Ryan was going to react.

Just the thought of imagining Taylor being with another man was almost too much to endure, and he couldn't deny that it pained him. But he also knew that he, who'd just agreed to let his girlfriend move in with him, didn't have the right to say too much or to be jealous, so he simply asked: "And what did you say?"

"That's the thing. For the first time in my life I didn't know what to say. He asked me if I was seeing anyone and I didn't know what to tell him." The conversation had reached the part that Taylor was the most eager to discuss, or to get an answer to, and she asked: "What is this thing we're doing?"

She didn't know exactly what she wanted him to say, but she knew that she wanted him to say anything that proved to her that he was serious about what he felt for her, something that witnessed to that the ring he'd given her, that she was now carrying around in her pocket, had been more than an empty promise. That he'd actually meant everything he'd said, because lately, she'd begun thinking, against her better judgment, that maybe it had all been an act he'd pulled because it was a convenient way of getting some sex. Now, that wasn't the Ryan she thought she knew, but maybe he had changed more than she'd realized over these past five years. She really didn't think that was the case, and she was desperate for him to convince her that she was right about that.

But he didn't say or do anything that she wanted, because he didn't feel like he had any right to. Instead, without barely even looking up from his book, he said: "I don't know."

"Okay…" Taylor nodded, failing to hide the disappointment in her voice. Her heart sank terribly, and she had to fight hard not to let the tears that were burning under her eyelids to fall down on her cheeks.

Ryan was silent for a very long time, but inside, his thoughts were twirling before he finally made a decision he hoped to never regret as he uttered the words: "You should do it. If you want to, you should go out with him."

Taylor suddenly felt very nauseous again, and this time she wasn't sure if it was the flu or because of Ryan's words. To her, saying that she should date Ben, had been the ultimate sign that what they had shared, had been meaningless to him. She felt disgusted and used, but if that was his choice, she would have to live with it. She nodded bravely, but couldn't stop the salty tears from running down her face. In a trembing voice she said: "Okay, I'll call him first thing in the morning. But this… this thing with us…it's over. For good." She took the ring he'd given her out of her jacket pocket and placed it on the table in front of them, and then she left without another word.

Ryan pocketed the ring as he watched her leave. Somehow, by letting her go, Ryan figured that he was doing her a favor. By allowing her to give up on him and everything they'd stood for, she could finally be free to do what she wanted to do and be with whoever she wanted to be with. And he could finally be the kind of guy to Sarah that she deserved, to commit to her and to be a descent boyfriend. He would be able to let go of Taylor completely, and he hoped that that would release him from the prison he'd remained in for over four months now, and maybe to grow to love Sarah over the years. He and Taylor would still see each other occasionally of course, but he believed that seeing each other would start to hurt a little less every time, until they at last were completely over each other, and the feelings they had for each other would exist as mere memories of what once was. Maybe he was being naive, but it seemed like a fair solution to everyone. And he convinced himself that it was all for the best.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As soon as Taylor was outside the library doors, she rushed into the girls bathroom with tears streaming down her face, and barely made it through the booths' door before throwing up. After trying to wipe her face clean with some toilet paper, she gave up on fighting the battle of trying to keep herself from crying. She sat on the floor of the booth sobbing for hours before she finally stopped and decided that she was ready to go outside again. She took a last look in the mirror, and hopelessly tried to fix her messed up make-up, but soon gave up and left the bathroom with black lines all over her face.

When she reached the school grounds she remembered that she still had the note of Ben's phone number in her pocket, and pulled out her cell phone out of her purse. Hitting the numbers with great certainty, she only had to wait two signals before he picked up. "Hey, Ben, it's Taylor. About that date Saturday, I'm free…"