L is for Love

What are Negan's thoughts on love? Well, he'd say that he's never experienced it, that love is some make-believe bullshit…but that would be his defense mechanism kicking in. You see, Negan has experienced love with multiple women over the course of his lifetime…but he's also lost them.

Growing up, Negan loved his mother unconditionally. She was the kind of mom who made pancakes every Saturday morning, who was always supportive and encouraging…who never made Negan feel unworthy or unloved, despite the fact that his father was an abusive asshole, whom his mother had left when Negan was just a baby. His mother never missed a soccer game, school recital, or birthday party. And she made sure to tell him that she loved him every single day…

Until Negan was 14…until she was driving home from work one evening in November and slid on a patch of unseen ice and careened into an oncoming vehicle. That was the first time that Negan realized that love could be taken away, leaving you with only memories and a cold, grey stone in the ground with a name carved upon it.

He then went to live with his grandmother. She moved slowly, and her memory wasn't the best, but she loved Negan…and he loved her back. She made sure he graduated high school and went to college, where he learned that he had an interest in studying education. His grandmother encouraged him to pursue this dream, saying that she could hardly wait until he graduated and could have his own classroom. She bragged to all her bingo buddies about what a grand teacher he was going to become.

Then, during his senior year of college, his grandmother had a stroke. The doctors said that it didn't look too good, but they let her go home. Negan commuted to his classes and spent all of his free time taking care of her…and three months later she was gone.

Negan thought about quitting school, about giving up, but he knew that neither his mother or his grandmother would be happy about that. So he finished out his last year of college, walking onto the stage at graduation…he was one of the only students who had no family section to cheer him on.

Not long after he graduated, he was offered a job at a nearby school, to be their math teacher and ping pong coach. He accepted, and was able to use his meager salary to get a small apartment of his own. It was one day while he was walking home from the school that he passed two boys, who had a box of golden retriever puppies for sale. He picked the runt of the litter, named her Max, and took her home.

He loved the hell out of that dog; she was his constant companion. Always excited to see him when he got home from work, and always quick to snuggle up beside him on the couch while he watched TV. It was because of Max that Negan met Lucille.

It was a cool, fall day, when Max was three years old, that she and Negan were taking their usual walk through the park. They came across a beautiful woman with deep brown hair and soulful eyes, who was sitting on a bench reading. Max, who was usually well-behaved and therefore didn't need a leash when in the park, ran up to the lady, despite Negan's commands to heel. The woman laughed as Max stuck her cold, wet nose under the book and begged for attention. It was then that the woman looked up and saw Negan, their eyes connecting. Negan felt a weird sensation in the pit of his stomach as he held out a hand to introduce himself; the woman fit her hand into his and said that her name was Lucille…

16 months later they were married, and Negan finally felt as though he had a family again. After years of feeling alone, he now felt loved…and he was able to love in return.

After a year of marriage, he and Lucille decided to try and expand their family. After months and months of trying, and various doctor's appointments and tests, the results came back that parenthood wasn't going to be in their future after all. Negan suggested adopting, but Lucille was too depressed about the fact that she couldn't conceive. She snapped out at Negan, telling him that adoption was a stupid idea, so he never brought it up again.

Lucille started to become more distant, and Negan feared she might leave him. So he decided that he was going to make himself love her less, just in case. That he was going to prove to himself that he didn't need her…that he would be okay if yet another woman left him. And that's when he took up a mistress. It was purely for sex, with no emotions, but Negan told himself that if he could fuck another woman, then he didn't truly love Lucille. And if he didn't truly love her, then she couldn't truly hurt him when she left. At least not the same way that his mother and grandmother had hurt him.

Six years later, Max developed renal failure. It progressed rapidly, and Negan had to make the decision one day to take her to the vet and say goodbye. He bawled the entire drive home…in fact, he hadn't cried like that since his grandmother's funeral over a decade earlier. He vowed never to get another dog, or to let himself love anyone or anything like that ever again. He was sick of loss. From now on, it would just be him and Lucille.

And then, eight years later, was when Lucille got the news…she had cancer.

Negan didn't understand why this was happening to him. Sure, he could be a real asshole, and it wasn't like he had any friends or family outside of Lucille. But he couldn't figure out just what he had done to deserve all of this. Why did all of the women who he loved end up leaving him? Was he really that unlucky…or was he really just that undeserving?

They went through with all the doctor's suggestions, and Negan stood by helplessly as Lucille went through the painful treatments. As she lost her hair and dropped weight and eventually became too weak to walk. But he still stayed by her side, stayed emotionally loyal, until the day that the apocalypse ripped him from her bedside, and upended the world for everyone.

Negan was certain that his capacity for love had died with Lucille. That once the apocalypse started, he was beyond such weak emotions. He had nothing to lose anymore, and no one to care about except himself, which was how he quickly became the leader of The Saviors and constructed the community that he named The Sanctuary. He was finally in control of both himself and the people around him, which was both freeing and lonely as hell. So, to combat that loneliness, he made his own group of wives, once again to prove to himself that he didn't need anyone…that he didn't care. To prove that, even with multiple woman in his bed, he was beyond such a weak emotion as love. And it worked, too. It worked for about two years.

But then he met you.

He tried to fight it, oh did he ever. That first day when he found you and your group out in the woods, he told himself that there was nothing special about you. That the way you boldly met his gaze and held your ground didn't intrigue the fuck out of him. That your lovely lips and even lovelier figure didn't make his dick hard in his pants. That your kind, yet strong, and independent, yet giving nature, didn't mesmerize him. Didn't cause him to find excuses to be around you, to randomly run into you and spark conversation.

But you knew. You knew that Negan, while a controlling and dominant, and even violent man, was deep down, torn and broken. But you were patient, soft and kind with him when needed, yet also firm and ready to speak your mind when he pissed you off. Eventually, you broke him down, caused him to realize that his capacity to love wasn't dead after all. He never said the words aloud, but he didn't have to. It was in the way he looked at you, the way he touched you. In time, he stopped visiting his wives as often, and eventually he sent them all away, leaving just you.

He was extra possessive at first, as if convinced that you were going to randomly disappear, like a cloud of mist. Any conversations with another man caused suspicion, and a man checking out your body led to a fit of rage. More than one individual had gotten the hot iron treatment for letting his hand linger on your shoulder a second too long, or for staring at your ass when you walked by. And you knew that words were unnecessary; that no matter how much you reassured Negan that you were his, he would have to realize this on his own, with time.

And, eventually, he did realize. It took a few years, but he finally seemed to accept the fact that you weren't going anywhere. That no matter how uncertain and dangerous this new world was, you would fight to stay at his side. It was okay if he sometimes held you a little too tight or watched you a little too closely, as if those old fears were starting to resurface. You would pat his hand or stroke his face, letting him know without words that it was okay. That you were here.

He never told you about his past, but you could guess that he had experienced a lot of loss. Of course, most people had lost a lot due to the apocalypse, but you could tell that it was more than that. That Negan's loss had started much earlier, and at a much younger age. So you let him be a little possessive, and let him think that he could protect you from any and everything, because it kept him calm. And while he might never speak the words himself, you made sure to tell him how much you loved him, every chance you got.

You weren't sure if it was enough, if you were enough, to mend the deep wounds of his past…but that didn't stop you from trying. And although Negan would never admit it out loud, you were enough. You had shown him that not all love had to end in heartbreak. That not everyone, who he loved, would be lost. And, it was when he was laying in your arms, that he finally felt like maybe, just maybe, he really was worthy of love. Of not just having it…but keeping it as well.