Chapter Twelve-Care of Magical Creatures
The laundry list of things to do was very long indeed. Severus was happy to have the detailed parchment scroll to reference. Hagrid showed Severus around the hut, pointing out a large drawer Severus could keep his things in. He then said good bye to Bessie and turned to leave with his very large satchel.
"You sure you're gonna be alright there, Severus?"
"I'll be fine. I'll see you in two weeks."
"You're in good 'ands Bessie," the half giant said, almost teary-eyed. Bessie lifted her head in acknowledgment and then went back to sleep.
As soon as Hagrid left, Severus unpacked his things. He set his books aside by the largest bed he'd ever seen and magically cleaned the sheets. He checked out the loo and thought he may need a step stool to climb onto the toilet. Inside, the hut was rather sparsely furnished. There was a large table in the center of the room, a chest of drawers, a basket for Bessie to sleep in, and a rather large arm chair.
After he became situated, he sat down and began to read the list, which was badly spelled and in the worst handwriting he'd ever seen.
#1, Feed Bessie the kibble in the larg bin each mornin. She gets for cups, and be shur she has fresh water in her bowl. She needs too go outside no less then for times eech day.
#2, Feed Binki, Slinki and Kinki whatever skraps you want. Bring bak extra food from your meals four them.
"Who the fuck are Binki, Slinki, and Kinki?" Severus spoke to himself. He looked around the room and saw three fuzz balls that appeared to be purring. Logic indicated that those puffskeins were the eaters in question. "He named his pet Kinki? Okay, moving on…"
#3, Chck on the Bowtruckles that ar livin in the tree nearest my hut. Just go si if they are ok.
#4, Feed the roosters eech mornin before class. Theirs feed in a buket outside my hut.
#5, Pick sevn or so ov the biggest roosters yer can find, and feed them to Aragog and his new wife Mosag. They liv in the forest, foller the map. Feed them this Saturde nite.
"What the fuck is an Aragog? Never heard of that."
#6, Check on Buckbeak onse a week. Be sure to bow to him and pik off the chizpurfle's from his fethers. Now he's just a baby so be gentle. Be shur to tell him that he's a good boy, a pretty boy and a smart boy for me.
"What the fuck is a Buckbeak? Bow to it? That thing better not be some smelly hippogriff!"
#7, Feed the kneazle that livs in the garten. I namd her Myra. She eats fresh tuna and milk.
#8, Pluck the gnomes from the gartens daily!
#9, If yer can swim, go scrape some algee off of the giant squid in da lake two.
"Fuck you and, fuck, no!"
#10, An also regardin Bessie, when her pups come, shell need five cups of food. Pleaz be careful with them new pups. Shell probablee have ten or so.
Thank you Severuss!
"That poor man can't spell. What the fuck did I get myself into?"
---
He decided his first order of business was to let Bessie out to do, whatever it was she needed to do outside. She wobbled to the door and wandered over to the garden just outside the hut. She squatted down and peed all over the fresh herbs, which instantly disgusted Severus. Before he knew it, about twenty garden-gnomes decided to surface to see what was going on. No fewer than four of them got drenched in dog pee.
"Wonderful, and magic hardly ever works on those fuckers, have to rip them out of the ground by hand now!" Severus said to himself angrily. He knelt down and scooped up as many of the peed-on gnomes as possible, and gave them all a good shake. He then casually tossed them one by one over his shoulder and out of the garden. He looked back once to notice that they looked as if they were drunk and seemed to be wandering off.
The next thing he knew, Bessie was squatting again and taking the largest dump Severus had ever seen. He thought it was probably ten times the size of the one Mulciber had taken on the floor of the Slytherin washroom for Potter and Black to clean up. The thought of their plight did not make him laugh this time, as he was disgusted again that Bessie took that huge crap right on the heads of at least seven more nosy gnomes. Seven more gnomes that he had to pick up with his bare hands, shake, and then toss over his shoulder.
"Why did I agree to this, again?" he asked himself.
He went over to the large basin that held rain water and rinsed his hands before cleaning them magically with his wand. When he looked over, he saw that Bessie was no longer in the garden. He saw the tail end of her as she headed into the Forbidden Forest.
"Oh, that's just wonderful! Bessie!" he yelled, running after the very pregnant dog. "Bessie! Bessie come here, girl! Oh, you bitch, where the fuck are you?"
"Who the fuck are you, asshole?" a nasally and high-pitched voice spoke from down near the floor of the forest.
"What the…?"
"What the what? Dick-weed!" it said again, and then burst into very high-pitched and annoying laughter.
"What the hell are you?" Severus asked, looking down at the tiny creature that was mocking him.
"Hey there, nice nose! Any gnomes living in it?"
"What did you say to me?"
"Or are they hiding in that messy and greasy hair of yours? Ew. You are the ugliest wizard I've ever seen!" it said, and then kicked Severus in the leg. The kick did not hurt, as the creature could not have weighed more than five pounds. "Say there, nice feet. So is your mother a goblin, or your father?" it said and burst into laughter again. Severus gave it a stern kick and began to walk ahead as whatever that thing was finally shut up. He almost forgot why he was in the forest to begin with, when he was suddenly insulted…again! "Think you can get rid of me that quick, bollock breath!"
"Who the hell are you, you disgusting, ferret-looking monstrosity?"
"I know you are, but what am I?" it said before kicking Severus again. It then laughed and squealed for a solid ten seconds before shutting up.
"You are annoying! BESSIE!" Severus shouted.
"Oh, Bessie! Is she your long lost love, fuck- face?"
"No, she's a bitch and I'm going to die if I don't find her…why am I speaking to you?"
"Because you're ugly and retarded! Not nice to call other humans bitches- only I can do that!" he screeched and then kicked Severus again.
"Ow, that hurt this time! She IS a bitch, she's a dog, you ugly fuckin' piece-of-shit ferret-fuck!"
"Ooh, how lovely. Seen any gnomes lately, or did they all get sucked up into those shoe-sized nostrils of yours?"
"Any what? Gnomes? Are you…are you a fuckin' Jarvey?"
"What's a Jarvey, ass-wipe? My name is Harvey and I need a gnome, need a gnome right now!"
"You insulting little Jarvey piece of…Bessie!" Severus shouted, only to be kicked again. When he looked down there were two Jarveys. "Oh, no."
"Hey, Harvey, did this big-nosed ugly wizard inhale all the gnomes?"
"Why yes, Marvey, I think he did. He's a complete asshole and I hope to never look upon his ugly face and huge beak again!" Harvey responded.
Severus could not believe he had lost Hagrid's pet and was being taunted by Jarveys, of all things.
"Need a gnome! Need a gnome! Here, gnomey-gnomey, make your homey in my tummy!" Marvey said and then burst into laughter.
"I need a gnome, and I saw some just around here where asswipe was crying over his bitch!"
"Pathetic. Here, gnomey-gnomey!"
"Fuck this," Severus said, pulling out his wand and instantly taking flight.
"Only thing worse than an ugly big-nosed asswipe wizard is one that flies, Harvey."
"I know it! Don't show your ugly face here again! Gnome inhaler!" Harvey shouted as Severus flew around the trees, frantically calling for Bessie.
He flew back to the hut to find she was waiting patiently outside. Along with about ten gnomes, all of which he threw back into the forest, and praying to God that Harvey and Marvey would just feast on them and leave him alone.
"Magical creatures suck!" he said, opening the door and letting Bessie inside. "Bad girl! Bad dog! Don't do that again! OUCH!" he screamed as he felt something scratch across his arm. He looked down to find his robes were torn, his skin was bleeding, and that kneazle from outside had followed him in and cut him to shreds. "You little twat! OUCH!" he yelled, as he was scratched again. "I'm going to fuckin' kill you, you little piece of…OUCH!" he screamed as the cat-like creature bit into his forearm with great force. "Okay, okay, never mind, you're a great creature!" he pleaded as it released his arm and then walked over closer to Bessie. "Fuck, damn this is a shitty day."
He tried to make peace with the kneazle by walking all the way to the Hogwarts kitchens to fetch the finest in canned tuna and a plate of cream instead of milk. He felt like a moron carrying a large ceramic bowl full of heavy cream out to the hut, but if it meant not getting scratched or bitten again, he was going to do it.
The kneazle named Myra seemed to accept the peace offering and did not bite him again. She also refused to leave the hut after the sun set and decided instead to not only sleep in the hut, but to sleep curled up in a tight little ball, all night long, on the bed…actually, on Severus's head. He nudged her but she instantly nudged back to her station atop his head. So he lay flat on his back all night long with a purring kneazle-cap atop his greasy head and got very little sleep.
When he woke up after only sleeping for maybe two hours, he found his head was hot and sweaty from the fur-cap he'd worn all night and there was a nice and juicy fur ball waiting for him next to the pillow as well. He got out of the massive bed, still in his clothes from the day before, and turned to face Myra. She was lying on his pillow with one hind leg straight up in the air and was tongue bathing all of her nether regions without a care in the world.
Severus rolled his eyes in disgust and took a quick shower. He had just enough time to feed Bessie and run full speed to make it to class on time.
"Lovely, knocked-up dog gets breakfast and I don't! Pissy-pussy cat- thing got dinner last night, and I didn't! This is insane!" he muttered beneath his breath as he ran into the castle just as the bell rang for the first morning class. He was tired, starving, and had completely forgotten to do any of his homework. Instead of listening to boring lectures, he scribbled down his essays and questionnaires for his classes and tried to just make it to lunch.
When the lunch bell rang, he was never so happy in his life to enter the Great Hall. The very second he did, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to find the benevolent face of the Headmaster smiling at him.
"How are things?"
"Fine," Severus said, trying to get to his seat.
"Did you remember to feed the puffskeins?" Dumbledorehe asked. Severus's mouth dropped as he was shocked that he'd not only forgotten, but apparently was being watched rather closely as well. "I thought not. Looks like turkey for lunch today; well, I think they like turkey. Go get some and run back and feed them."
"Well, I will, after lunch."
"Well, if you've not fed them by now they may not be alive by the time you get to them. See, they require food every ten hours. Did you feed them yesterday?"
"Um…no."
"Oh, dear."
"Fine," Severus said, grabbing a fist full of turkey and wrapping it in a napkin. He hurried off to feed them and prayed to whatever God was listening that they were not dead.
They were dead.
---
"Fuck me! Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!" he yelled. Myra was rubbing up against his legs and purring. "God, now what do I do?" He put the turkey down on the table and almost burst into tears. He'd killed Hagrid's cute and fuzzy pets. He'd nearly lost Bessie and he'd been was called ugly no fewer than four times by a talking ferret. This magical creatures stuff was definitely not his forte. "Lucius!" he exclaimed. He grabbed his two-way and frantically wrote to Lucius explaining what happened. He begged him to pick up three puffskeins and deliver them to the hut later that evening. Lucius was not answering, which meant he was off doing other things. He was good at reading his mail when he could, though, and Severus was confident he'd come through for him before Hagrid's return. "God, I'm hungry," he said, remembering he had the dead pets' food to munch on. He was so hungry that even turkey sounded like a good idea to him. "Myra!" he snarled, noticing she'd eaten all the turkey that he'd left on the table. "Crap!" he shouted. It was time to head back to class.
With his stomach growling and his heart sinking, he ran back to the castle for his next class. He was getting a horrific headache and was even feeling light headed.
"Please don't faint, please don't faint," he begged himself as he ventured on to his next class. He soldiered through the day and nearly ate the flobberworms in his Potions class before realizing that they were gross. He nearly sprinted to the Great Hall for dinner and vowed he'd eat whatever was served. He was in luck: it was mac-and-cheese night. "Oh, thank God."
He sat down and, without speaking a word to his roommates, he loaded his plate with mac-and-cheese, mashed potatoes, and as many carrots as he could fit.
"Jesus, Snape, what are you doin' in that hut that's givin' ya such an appetite?" Rosier asked as Severus ignored him. He shoved a few carrots in his mouth and felt life slowly coming back into his body.
"OH, SHIT!" he nearly shouted, beginning to choke on his carrots. He drank down some water and rose from the table.
"What?" Wilkes asked.
"I totally forgot to let Bessie out today at all!" he realized, running out of the Great Hall and back to the hut. He ran as fast as he could and prayed that there was not dog shit on the floor.
There was dog shit on the floor.
"Great, wonderful, how very Potter and Black of me! Cleaning up shit…at least I can use magic," he said, cleaning the floor. "I'm sorry, Bessie," he said, kneeling down next to her and petting her some. "What he hell is that?" he asked no one in particular. He noticed some more fecal matter on the floor, but it looked far different from the Bessie poop he'd just cleaned up. "Who did that?" he asked and then noticed Myra was sitting straight up in the bed, her wicked green eyes boring straight at him. She looked utterly disgusted and appalled. "Oh."
He was not going to let Bessie get away again. He transfigured a very long rope and tied it to her collar. He then took her outside and tied the other end to the near by tree, which had a healthy number of Bowtruckles living in it. He then did the same for Myra, but she did not seem too keen on the idea. "Come on, girl," he said, trying to be nice, but she just kept shooting him dirty looks and refused to be leashed. "This is bullshit, I can't walk you without a leash, I can't have you runnin' off into that idiot-ferret infested forest now, can I Myra?" She stared at him and then looked away as if he did not exist. "Fuck. Fuck, Fuck, FUCK! How the fuck do you walk a fucking kneazle? Shit, this job is making me revert to my old ways!" he shouted, noting his more than usual his use of foul language more so than his usual. "Crap."
He felt defeated. For the most part, Severus was good at nearly everything he put his mind to. Even kissing, according to Narcissa Black, at least. Why couldn't he not kill the fur-ball pets and walk a stinking kneazle? When all else failed, it was best to ask for help. Argus Filch loved cats, after all.
---
"No, I ain't helpin' ya!" Argus said, slamming the door on Severus's face. The door actually hit his face. All he did was explain that he needed help walking the cat and killed had three fur balls; what was the big deal? "Killin' puffskeins is bad luck!" he heard Argus shout through the door. Well, he was going to be of no help. He held his head low and decided to walk to the library to find a book on how to walk kneazles.
'I can't believe I'm looking for a book on how to walk a stinking cat!' he thought to himself. On his way to the library, he ran into Camilla. She was a girl; and girls knew everything about cats and kneazles.
"Hey, I need a favor," he asked her as she walked toward their common room.
"What? Phineas!" she said as the stone wall accepted her password for entrance.
"How do you walk a kneazle? Is it like walking a cat?"
"What?" she asked with a surprised look on her lovely face.
"How do you…"
"You don't walk cats or kneazles! Why are you asking? Oh, you're staying at Hagrid's and helping, right?"
"Yeah, and his bloody kneazle shat all over the floor, and she won't wear the leash I transfigured her…" he stopped when she began to laugh even harder and louder. "Well, how the hell do you walk it then?"
"You don't! Sev, kneazles aren't walked, they are not dogs!"
"Well, how do they, you know…go?"
"They go in one of those box thingies."
"Box thingy? What the hell is a box thingy?" he asked, thinking she was joking with him.
"It's some box that they go in, and it's filled with stuff. Just transfigure a box for it!" she said, still smiling and trying not to laugh.
"What do I do with the box after they go?"
"You empty it! God, you're clueless."
"That's gross. They shit in a box?" he asked, thinking the whole thing sounded insane.
"Yeah, well, we shit in a porcelain box, if it makes you feel any better," she said, which made him smile some.
"And some of us shit on marble floors," Avery added as he walked by and just kept right on walking.
"What's this stuff you talk of? You said you put stuff in the box," Severus asked.
"Oh, cat-nip?"
"What the hell is cat-nip?"
"Hell if I know, I hate cats," she casually said, which made him roll his eyes in disgust some and grunt.
"How do you know of it then? You're a girl-girls are supposed to know this crap."
"Well, I don't know shit about cat-nip, sorry!"
"Why are you talking about cat-nip? Did you get a cat?" Ophelia asked. She happened to walk by and hear what they were talking about, it seemed.
"Sort of…tell me more about this…cat-nip," he said, eying Camilla as she smiled, waved, and walked off.
"It's like a treat for cats."
"Oh, well, what do you put in their boxes then?" he asked the much younger and smaller witch.
"Um, kitty-litter, it's like sand."
"Where does one acquire this?"
"Pet stores. I have a whole bunch downstairs in my room. I have a cat!"
"You do! I see. How very interesting. Can I um…borrow some of your cat-nip and kitty-litter?"
"You got a cat and didn't get it cat-nip or kitty-litter?"
"No, I'm cat-sitting. Well, kneazle-sitting, actually, and I think I need some. Can you help me?"
"Um…well, sure. Let me go get some. Kneazles are so cool, way cooler than cats. My cat's name is Barney."
"Good for him. So, go get that nip for me, will ya?" She gave him a funny look and then went down stairs to fetch the cat nip. Well, that was one problem solved.
---
She talked his ear off the entire walk to Hagrid's hut. The faster he walked, the faster she talked. He knew all about Barney and her brother and her sister and her pet fish back home by the time they arrived at the hut.
"Okay, Myra is over there," Severus said, opening the door for the blonde witch to enter the hut.
"Oooh!" she squealed at the top of her lungs. "She's so cute! She's orange! I had an orange kitty when I was six. Her name was Abby and she had green eyes too!"
"How very fascinating," he said, transfiguring a plate into a box. He watched as she poured the litter into the box and then gave Myra some cat-nip. Myra seemed euphoric at the sight of nip, which she happily frolicked in before going into the box. "Wow, she's actually using the box."
"Yeah, kneazles are smart. Don't you know anything about them?" she asked in a mocking tone.
"No."
"I know everything. For starters, they…"
"I have so much to do tonight, Ophelia. I have to feed roosters and stuff. Thanks so much for cat-nip and everything."
"Oh, you're welcome."
"I should walk you back now," Severus insisted, opening the door to find Lucius Malfoy standing in the door way, apparently about to knock. "Oh. Hi."
"Hello. Here," he said holding up a purring bundle. "Don't kill these ones, okay?"
"I'll try, thanks," Severus said, turning back with the bundle to face the girl who looked scared. "Thanks...oh," he said, noticing Lucius was already gone. "Hmm." He opened the bundle and the three fuzzy puffskeins rolled out and purred on the table.
"What did that man mean?" Ophelia asked.
"Oh, I killed three of these today by accident, so he had to go run and…what's wrong?" he spoke, noticing the girl had suddenly burst into tears. "Ophelia?"
"You murdered puffskeins? Why?" she wept. Seeing a young girl burst into tears so suddenly did not set well with Severus, who was still starving and tired and, now, terrified.
"I didn't mean to, they need to be…fed or something!"
"Oh my God!" she screamed and cried even louder. "Give me that Myra quick!"
"Oh no, I fed her, tuna and a bowl of cream and I fed Bessie, then of course I forgot to walk her and she's pregnant and all, so she left a mess on the floor and then I didn't know kneazles needed boxes, so she just went all over the…" with each passing word the girl's eyes popped further out of her head as her mouth dropped even lower. "What? I don't know!"
"Why does he trust you with his pets?"
"Um, I don't know, I've never given anyone reason to ever trust me with anything living before."
"I can see why!" she sobbed, her big blue eyes filled with tears.
"Um, tell ya what…hey, want to do me a favor?" Severus asked in his most convincing voice.
"You mean, like trade places with you, or something?"
"Um, no. How about you take these three fine and very living puffskeins and keep them for me all nice and snug in your room, and then, on the day Hagrid returns, I'll bring them back here for him."
"What do I get in return?" she suddenly said with a very stern and clear voice. The girl was a Slytherin, after all.
"Well, surely you've heard I'm poor, so I can offer you no monetary…"
"God, the whole school knows you're poor. Teach me the Patronus Charm!"
"Oh, God. Why don't I just teach the whole bloody DADA class and teach everyone at once?" he said sarcastically. She dried her tears with her sleeve and looked more confident.
"No, teach me…and my friend Betsy."
"Fine, but no more, and I can't guarantee you'll ever learn it. Very few people can do it."
"I know, but I want to try."
"Very well, okay, take-what the heck were their names again? Um, Stinky and Pinky and Kinky…no wait…Chunky and Spunky and Klunky…no, I know one was named Kinky."
"He named his pet Kinky?"
"Yes, I don't think he knows it's a bad name."
"Apparently not. And you tease me about naming my pet Poofikins?"
"Poofikins is a fish and yes, I intend to tease you about him."
"Her."
"Whatever. Oh, Binki, Slinki and Kinki, with an 'I'. Well, go on, take them, and feed them every ten hours!"
"I'm not a murderer of cute and fuzzy things like you, Severus Snape," she said, clutching the fur balls up into her arms and turning to leave the hut.
"Thanks, I really appreciate your help Ophelia," he said, opening the door for her and beginning to walk her back to the castle.
"It's okay; you are in desperate need of it!"
The girl did have a point.
AN-In case you are not certain, Jarveys, according to the Lexicon are: Resembling an overgrown ferret, the Jarvey is one of the few beasts that can actually talk. Its speech, however, consists entirely of rude phrases and insults. Jarveys chase gnomes.