-Chapter 12-
"You best be getting on with the talking Sakura, it's not everyday a guy here's he's going to die."
"Be patient, I'm trying to figure out a way to put this delicately." Sakura said as she began to look very nervous.
"There's nothing delicate about dying so just get on with it."
"Just remember, this is all just speculative theory…" she was beginning to sweat now.
"Sakura!"
"Ok ok kyubiisreleasingchakrasimilartothatofapregnantwoman."
"You're going to have to run that by me one more time."
Tsunade took over for Sakura who was literally shaking. "Kyuubi is releasing chakra similar to that of a pregnant woman."
The wheels started turning in Naruto's head. "So I'm pregnant?"
"Don't be ridiculous Naruto. Men can't get pregnant" Tsunade laughed, "We think the spirit fox that is sealed within your body is pregnant."
"Because that is so much more plausible." He muttered. "How is that even possible isn't Kyuubi male as well?"
Sakura who seemed to have recovered rolled her eyes and walked to the Hokage's bookshelf. "You really didn't pay any attention in old Japanese did you?" she took out a book and began flipping through the pages before stopping on her desired page then held up the book for him to see. "The story of the wicked fox lady." Sakura then slammed the book in his face and placed it back on the shelf.
"I always sort of assumed it was a different evil fox demon."
"It probably is" Tsunade took over again. "But even if what you say is true and the fox is male it could possibly happen due to the fact that you chakra is separated into yin, female. And yang, male."
"This is getting less and less plausible the more we discuss it." Naruto grumbled.
"Listen, I'm not overly concerned about how this happened, if it makes you feel any better it's entirely plausible, in fact more likely, that the demon fox manipulated it's own chakra in order to trick us into releasing it so it can kill everyone in the village." Tsunade
"Releasing it? Are you crazy?"
"Well it can't very well bear children inside you, that would kill you."
"So I'm going to live?!" Naruto asked excitedly.
"No you're pretty much doomed. You have about a 73 chance of dying when we release the demon and if you live through that depending on how long the demon is outside you body, the more likely it is you will die when reseal it in your body, and the chances of you surviving that are already pretty slim." The Hokage explained.
"But that means there is a chance I will survive."
Sakura took over for the Hokage and began explaining. "There have only been three recorded cases in history where a person has survived having a demon resealed in their body. The first made it about 18 hours, the second made it two whole days, and the most successful resealing lasted six months before the vessel died."
Tsunade interjected "and this is assuming the Kyuubi is actually pregnant and not tricking us."
"This is fucked up shit." Naruto responded.
"Well it is peculiar…" Sakura conceded
"No, peculiar is when you wake up and a birthmark you thought was on your right shoulder is actually on your left. Having a demon fox, a spirit of a demon fox mind you, in your body be pregnant, that is FUCKED UP SHIT!"
"Naruto, calm down!" the Hokage demanded.
"No! This is the one time in my life when I am perfectly justified in cursing and screaming my lungs out, so I am going to fucking curse and SCREAM MY FUCKING LUNGS OUT!"
Tsunade sat at her desk completely unaffected by the yelling. "Are you quite done?"
"GET ME OUT OF HERE JAMESY!"(1) There were a few moments of silence before Naruto spoke again "It was worth a try. Yeah I think I'm done now." He said calming down a little.
"Good news is if it's pregnant we can pretty much infer due to the amount of chakra that there are only going to be two, this is good news, foxes are known to have up to 14 in a litter." Sakura added in for consideration.
"Sakura, your not helping me keep calm."
"Sorry" Sakura muttered and stepped back behind the Hokage.
"Naruto, it is needless to say you are not going to be resuming your diplomatic duties in Suna." He slumped his head in disappointment. "It is vital that you check in with Sakura daily so we can monitor you carefully to figure out exactly what is going on. If the Kyuubi really is faking this and we figure that out before we release it there is a chance this could all go away like a bad dream."
"I think this is the first time I'm hoping Kyuubi just wants to kill people." Naruto sighed
"Even though this is still all speculation I think it's important you tell Sasuke as soon as possible." Tsunade said shuffling paper work on her desk around.
Great this will do wonders for our already shaky relationship. "Is there anyway we can keep him out of this?"
"Naruto, you seem to not understand your place in all this, you are neither the mother or father, you are the martyr. All decision are up to Sasuke, that is my final word. You have to tell him or else I will be forced to do it myself." The Hokage sighed. "We are done here, I know you have a lot of questions which we will give you answers to once we have more information."
For some surprising reason, perhaps because of extreme shock, Naruto was extremely calm. "I assume there is going to be someone to replace my duties in sand."
"Yes, that is correct." The Hokage said raising an eyebrow.
"May I suggest Neji Hyuuga" Naruto said smirking evilly.
The Hokage smiled back at him. "I think that is a great idea."
Satisfied Naruto left the room and closed the door. He was about to leave when he heard talking from behind the closed door.
"Do you really think it's possible that the Kyuubi is pregnant?" Sakura asked.
"It doesn't matter what I think because there seems to be no way of avoiding Kyuubi's release."
"But what about Naruto?"
"Releasing the demon is in his best interest, it's the best chance he has to survive all this. With Sasuke around the whole thing should run rather smoothly."
What?
"Isn't there someone else who could do it?"
"I'm afraid not, dealing with the nine tails requires an Uchiha. You know this is the first time I've hoped a demon was pregnant, if the Kyuubi was really plotting something I'm not sure we could stand up to it."
"The children of the demon fox and an Uchiha, those would be fearsome children indeed!"
"It's a good thing Sasuke is on our side. Have you looked into the patient who came it with the poisoned kunai wound?"
"Yes we managed to…" the conversation was getting boring now so instead of sticking around he decided to head home.
Some where between the Hokage's office and his apartment it dawned on him exactly what had happened. Kyuubi might be pregnant and I have to tell Sasuke. For some reason it was the telling Sasuke part that made him uneasy. I have to ease him into this to make sure he doesn't blow up. Fuck, how am I going to convince Sasuke of something I hardly believe myself. Naruto realize all the meetings he had gone to were all leading up to this. This was real politics.
Now his head was filled with unanswered questions. Will the kits be spirit demons? No Sasuke is the father, which means they are half human. Is Sasuke even the father? Could the Kyuubi have been whoring around with other spirit demons behind my back? Is it (she?) even pregnant or just playing mind games? It seems too perfect that this should happen right before my check up, but I did have a lot of sex. Can spirits even get pregnant from their vessels having sex? Uuug I'm giving myself a headache. He said clutching his head.
Fox, we need to talk…. Oy fox? Great it's fine and dandy for you to interrupt me during meetings but when we actually have to have a serious talk you run away with your tails between your legs I see how it is.
Finally he arrived at his door that was currently unlocked. Great that means Sasuke is still here.
"Todaima!"
"Okaeri" (2)
He would have been overjoyed that there was someone to welcome him home if he wasn't full of complete and utter dread about having to face Sasuke.
"How long are you here for? Don't you have to run off to Suna again?" He heard Sasuke yell to him from the living room where it looked as though he was sitting contently with a book in his lap.
"It seems as though I'm quite popular. Tsunade asked me to stay in Konoha." he got the nervous feeling in his stomach that he only got when he lied. That wasn't a lie; that was selective truth. He tried to convince himself.
He walked over to the couch and tried to get Sasuke's attention again but he was already lost in a book so he sighed and sat down next to him. "I suddenly have all this free time, how on earth am I going to fill it?" He asked trying to convey a not so subtle point that he was sure the Uchiha understood but was ignoring. Now that he was closer he noticed that one of his friends cheeks was slightly swollen. "What happened?" He reached out to touch it but got his hand slapped away.
"It's no big deal."
"Did you finally realize what a bastard you are and try to knock yourself?"
"Lets just say I'm never answering your door again." Sasuke sighed turning back to his book.
"Ok there is a story there and we both know I'm not going to stop nagging you about it until I hear it, so can we skip that part and just get on with the story?"
"Neji hit me."
"What?" Naruto said attempting to keep a straight face.
"I answered your door and I guess he was surprised to see me here because he hit me then told me he'd be back again later to talk about some crack team of ninja's Shikamaru is putting together. You'll probably have to change your training regime if you plan on going; it looks like you put on a little weight when you were in Suna. "
Shit! What if Tsunade is wrong and I blow up like a balloon! Wait, I'm not even sure the Kyuubi is pregnant so I shouldn't be worried about this. It's just an evil demon plot, its just and evil demon plot, it's just an evil… "Well this fatty is going to kick your wimpy skinny ass.
Sasuke closed his book and looked up at Naruto with glaring red eyes then sighed and rolled his eyes while he opened his book again. "We'll fight later. I'm sure you'll have plenty of time now that you're stuck in Konoha."
"I'll probably be busy with meetings and helping Iruka-sensei with the academy kids." Naruto sighed picking up a book of sudoku and a pen.
"In that area, you're a strong man than me. I can't stand kids." Sasuke said causally flipping a page.
Naruto's eye twitched a little but he remained composed as he flipped to find a sudoku he hadn't done. "Why not? Kids are fun."
"No they're not. They are loud, annoying, messy and smell funky." As Sasuke continued the twitching from his eye spread to his fingers that began to drum nervously over the spine of the book he was holding. "The biggest perk about being involve with you is that there is no chance of an accidental pregnancy that would lead to snot nosed bratty children."
"Yeah, how fortunate." Naruto said slamming his book shut a little harder then had intended then stood up a little too quickly. "I'm just going to head out for a bit, maybe pick up some groceries."
"Alright, it's getting pretty late in the afternoon so I'll probably leave after this chapter. We'll fight tomorrow." Sasuke called after him as he disappeared into the hallway as quickly as possible.
"We'll be in touch." He called back as he picked up his travel pack that was waiting for him by the door.
He slipped out the door and started making his way toward the Konoha gate. He didn't know where he was going; all he knew was that he needed to get out of Konoha. He was nearly to the gate when a voice stopped him.
"So what exactly were you planning on doing, skipping town and dying alone in the forest?"
He turned to see Sakura standing there with a bag of groceries in hand. "Actually I hadn't gotten that far in the plan but I guess that sounds fine."
"Come on lets go sit and talk somewhere." Sakura said dragging him away from the gate back into the center of town. They walked for a while until they reached a free bench away from the hustle and bustle of the main street. "Ok, talk."
"Sasuke hates kids."
"That isn't exactly breaking news. Sasuke hated kids when he was a kid."
"Yeah but assuming this whole Kyuubi thing does lead to kids where does that leave me?"
"I wouldn't worry to much about the pregnancy thing, no matter how excited we got over the idea not even Tsunade thinks it's a serious possibility. The Kyuubi is up to something, I'm not sure what, but it's something big."
"I'm not too worry, the Kyuubi needs me, at least for the moment."
"No Naruto, it doesn't and it never did. If it could it would dump you and leave you for dead without a second thought. What we're planning would give it the chance to finally do that. Listen to me, don't trust a word of what the Kyuubi tells you, foxes and tricksy and full of mind games. It's Evil and thinks only for it's self, remember that Naruto."
"So I'm still going to die?"
"Probably, for now the only plan we have is to release it but I'm sure we'll come up with something better in seven weeks, and if not then you'll die and I'll swoop up Sasuke for myself."
"You're joking right?" Naruto asked quirking and eyebrow.
"Right, joking." Sakura laughed uncomfortably. Rather tactfully she changed topics. "The lease runs out on your place in the next few weeks right? Do you need help looking for a new place?"
"Nah I think I'll just renew the lease no matter how much the land lady would love to see me go. She's been trying to get rid of me for years but she hasn't had an excuse to."
"Are you sure you don't want something bigger?" She subtly hinted. "It might get a little crowded."
"I thought you said you didn't think the Kyuubi was actually pregnant!"
"Idiot! I wasn't talking about demon children I was talking about Sasuke!"
"Why should I even bother I'm just going to die right?"
"Oh get over it we just gave you the worst case scenario so you would take this seriously."
Instantly Naruto burst out laughing. "Yeah Kyuubi getting pregnant does sound a bit ridiculous." He heard Sakura burst out laughing as well.
"Yeah it really does sound like a load of donkey's kidneys." Sakura said as she settled down a little. "Hey why don't we go out for a drink? I can keep Sai waiting a little longer"
"I know this whole thing is probably a hoax and that doesn't matter because I'm not the one whose pregnant anyway but I feel weird about the whole drinking thing, just in case."
"Come on, don't be a pussy! The first round is on me." Sakura begged.
"Alright, then my first drink will be a glass of Johnnie Walker Blue." (3)
"You're joking right?"
"Right, joking." Naruto said then proceeded to stick his tongue out at her.
"You'll drink what I get you and like it." Sakura teased. Just then a huge gust of wind blew over them messing up their hair and sprinkling dust in their eyes. "It looks as though the wind has shifted. I wonder what changes it will bring." The medic said as she smiled at Naruto who was still clearing the dust from his eyes.
As if on cue out of nowhere one of the Hokage's minions came running toward them. "Ms. Haruno the Hokage needs to see you immediately someone injured has just arrived at the gate."
"Sorry Naruto we'll have to save our drink for another time. Keep your head up, you're not on your death bed yet." His pink haired friend yelled as she picked up her bag and ran off toward the hospital.
Deciding he was not quite ready to go home yet he sighed and leaned his head back to look at the evening sky. It was too early for stars but the sky was still spectacular. It was moments like this he could appreciate Shikamaru's outlook on life. Speak of the devil. He thought as he saw his easygoing friend sit down next to him out of the corner of his eye. Without bothering to take his eyes off the sky Naruto started the conversation very bluntly, "I slept with Sasuke again."
"I figured as much."
"Tsunade also seems to think the Kyuubi is plotting something that will most likely result in my death."
"I can't say that surprises me much either. It was only a matter of time." He heard Shikamaru sigh as another strong gust of wind passed through. "It's hard to see when it's this dark but it looks like the wind is going to blow in a storm. I'm not too worried about it though because the weather will be nice again soon enough." They sat there in silence for a few minutes staring up at the sky until is started to drizzle. "Maaa, it seems as though I was right. I'm going to get going, I find it's best to ride out storms indoors." Shikamaru stood up and left leaving Naruto by himself.
It was difficult to tell wither of not Shikamaru was being metaphorical or literal. He decided not to read into it too much and stayed sitting there. "It sure has been raining a lot lately. I bet that means typhoon season is coming." He said to no one in particular before letting out a sigh. Once the rain picked up a little he decided it was best to just head home.
Unfortunately he hadn't left soon enough. Even though he was sprinting home the rain picked up faster then he could run leaving him soaking as he attempted to pull open the door, it was locked, Sasuke must have left. He felt both relief and disappointment as he dug through his pocket for his key. As soon as he was inside he flung off his wet sandals, threw down his bag, and ran to the bathroom to get a towel flipping on all the lights on the way. After he was done drying his hair he made his way over to his bedroom with the intent of passing out and not getting up until someone pried him from his bed and he would have done just that if there hadn't been someone already tucked into his bed.
"Do you intend on standing there the whole night gawking" A familiar voice muttered from under a pile of covers.
"I thought you had gone home." Naruto said as he began to remove wet clothing and change into dry ones.
"Clearly I haven't."
Naruto walked over to his bed and started rearranging the covers much to Sasuke's dismay. "Why did you stay?"
"I'll go." Sasuke said shifting to get up but Naruto stopped him.
"No stay. I can't imagine anyone could get much rest in the house where there entire family was murdered."
"I sleep fine."
"I'm sure you do" Naruto sighed as he adjusted himself under the blankets. "I'm sorry I was so loud on the way in, I must have woken you up."
"A loud entrance is expected from such a noisy ninja. " Naruto had nothing to say that could counter that so instead he closed his eyes and shifted closer to his friend. "If you spoon me I will knife you." Sasuke warned.
"I think I'd recover." He said wrapping an arm around his reluctant friend before falling asleep.
He was woken up a few hours later by rather rude knocking on his door. "I'm not ready to get punched again, you have to answer that." Sasuke groaned as he pushed a very reluctant Naruto out of bed.
It was Sakura again. She certainly had perfected the art of interrupting. "Is Sasuke here?"
"Yes." Naruto glared trying to give Sakura the stare that said "you're annoying please go away", ironically this was a stare a stare he usually received.
"The Hokage needs to see him immediately, you might as well come too."
"Listen, if this is about the thing we discussed earlier, I have exactly told him about it yet…"
"The world doesn't revolve around you Naruto." Sakura said pushing past him to try to get to Sasuke who had just entered the hallway looking as though he had been up for hours.
"What's going on?" Sasuke said as he sat down to slip on his sandals.
"I think it would be best if I let the Hokage explain things to you." This can't be good. Naruto thought as he remembered how his own misfortune began.
Even though he wasn't exactly sure if he was invited Naruto trailed along after them through the rain and even followed them into the Hokage's office. He saw the Hokage sitting in her desk much the same way she had been when he was there earlier. "Sasuke, were you aware of any relationships you brother might have held during his time as a missing nin."
"We didn't talk much."
"Of course not. I only ask because a mysterious woman arrived at our gate earlier today on the brink of death. It seems she had been sick for a while and had pushed herself to the limit in order to get to Konoha. It would appear she did this because she had something very important of your brother's to pass onto you before she died."
"What is it?" Sasuke said shifting his eyes around the room to see if there was anything he hadn't noticed.
"I believe the question is 'who are they?'" Tsunade said as he pushed two children out from behind her desk. She must have done that on purpose to make things more dramatic. "You are their last living relative so their care falls to you."
The look on Sasuke's face as he looked at the two small black haired children was priceless, it looked as though life hadn't just passed him by, but had stopped to spit in his face along the way.
Karma Bitch! Naruto grinned to himself. He leaned over to Sakura and whispered: "I think we better duck because it looks like the shit has hit the fan."
"I'm glad you can get so much enjoyment out of other people's troubles."
"It's just nice to witness something so fucked up that has absolutely nothing to do with me." Naruto grinned. "Hey do you think now that he has two kids he'll mind terribly if I abort is fake fox babies?"
Sakura smacked the back of his head and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like 'idiot' under her breath.
--
(1) This is from James Joyce's Ulysses. It is said to be the first line of postmodern literature because it is the first time a character acknowledges the author. It's the kind of thing a literary nerd would yell when a situation gets uncontrollable. There isn't really any logical reason as to why Naruto says it beyond that fact that as a literary nerd I find it hilarious. It was probably unnecessary but don't you feel smarter after reading this note?
2)"I'm home" … "welcome home" I could have written in English but it's a very big thing in Japanese culture so I thought it deserved to be in Japanese. Listen for it in shows you watch or manga you read, it comes up quite a bit.
3) Johnnie Walker's most expensive label. A glass of this could run you upwards of 20 a glass. One way you can figure out if someone is determined to hit on you is to order one when they offer to buy you a drink… I don't advise doing this though.
--
A/N Sooo, this one took me a bit long then I would have like, but don't worry that means the next one will be up next week because I'm determined to stay on schedule. I'll also find the time to get back to all those lovely people who volunteered to edit. I had this one looked over briefly by my sorority girl roommate who, before reading this, thought Naruto was a Japanese pop band. SLAM Jess, you're a trooper. Next time we begin to get solid answers, Plot or Pregnancy? I'm getting excited just thinking about it!
-Wensleydale
P.S Naruto Shippuden is "On Notice", they need to leave the cliché kiss of death stuff to fan fiction. Seriously, I nearly fainted when I saw Kyuubi's chakra start making that girl choke.