A/N: I'm so freakin sorry. It's almost the end of the year and I didn't post a thing since June but it all came crushing down. Cory's death shook me to the core and for months I felt like I couldn't even touch anything Finn related. Death is something I've always struggled with so it was something that just did it for me and stopped me from even trying.
But here I am, attempting to write again.
I think you can pin point the moment when I started to write after Cory's death and it got kind of sad and dark. Have fun guessing.
Anyway, this is the song that started this fic for me. I heard it for the first time in February and couldn't stop thinking about this one scene I had in mind. So I wrote the scene. Then, the first draft of this chapter. Then wrote down ideas for the background of my character. Then I started to write about thing that happened in Season 1 and 2 with her there to witness and change things around. So this is something I spend almost the whole year on: I Wanna Be Your Melody.
Let's say after Cory's passing I got rid the first draft of this chapter and wrote this. But the song stayed.
And I'm mostly not one for polish singers, but I recommend this version.
Help Me Make It Through The Night by Monika Brodka.
You can skip ahead to the song, but she's got a kind of touching speech at the beginning.
I Need A Friend (...) It's So Sad To Be Alone
Rory dialed his house's phone number after the dreadful lunch, glad that he had an excuse for not sticking around at the table longer. He felt bad about leaving Blaine there alone, but then again, Blaine had more experience with Mr. Hummel than he had.
"Rory!" He could practically hear his brother, Seamus, smile. "How're the American Christmas traditions treating you?"
"It's pretty much the same, just with much more shopping."
"I don't think that's possible. We both know how crazy mom gets about the holidays."
"She always has to be better than aunt Melody" Rory shook his head, chuckling. "It's some kind of sibling rivalry, I tell you. The only reason why we're not like this is cause we're male."
"Yeah and also the fact that you'd burn the entire house down before you'd even get down to any of those fancy fish dishes mom loves to make."
"That may be true" He glanced down the hall, smiling when he saw Mary laughing with the guys. Seems like the Spanish Inquisition was over. "So how's she?"
"Busy, as always" Seamus sighed. "Dad tried to get her out of the kitchen couple of hours ago and she almost ripped his head off. Now that our lovely family might come in any minute it's worse."
"I imagine" Rory seen his fair share of his mother's competitive side. He knew not to mess with her.
He heard the familiar sound of their doorbell.
"Damn, that must be aunt Janice" Seamus groaned. "Sorry to leave you here older brother, but you know how it is."
"Yeah" Rory sighed, smiling sadly. "Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas."
Marlo chuckled when she saw Rory frown at the beer bottle in his hand.
"Don't like the taste?"
"More like the smell" Rory put the bottle down, looking around. "To be honest though, I just can't handle alcohol – it's just gross for me."
"You're Irish, shouldn't you, like, be able to drink gallons of beer and all that?"
"You're blonde, shouldn't you, like, be smarter than believe those stereotypes?"
"Shut up, you're mean" She pouted, crossing her arms over her chest. The boy laughed, kissing her bottom lip. "And if you think you can buy my forgiveness with kisses, you're wrong."
"Let me at least try, okay?"
"Maybe later" She smiled, her eyes shining. "For now, at least try to have fun! It's like you already gave up on it."
"It's just… Not really my scenery" He sighed, circling the bottle's neck.
"Noted, next time I'll think of something more like you" She didn't miss the way Rory's smile brightened at the promise of more opportunities and something they craved, more time. "In the mean time, I have to use the bathroom. Excusez-moi!"
Marlo sneaked past a rather drunk Brittany and turned right, heading towards the door currently used by Finchel as a surface against which they could suck their faces raw. She gracefully kicked her brother's shin and blew him a raspberry when he voiced his opinion on her physical aggression towards him. Mary opened the door and loudly shut them behind her, giggling.
She loved being tipsy.
Slowly she made her way towards the mirror and frowned. She poked her side, wincing when she stabbed herself with her own rib. She looked down at her cleavage and made a face seeing the way her collarbones sharpened in the last couple of months. It was weird, but in her clouded state of mind she seemed to see more than when she was sober.
She felt sick knowing that her father probably noticed it too. The way she lost her weight, probably at around the same rate she lost motivation.
Losing weight was always a bad thing in the Hummel household. When her mother got sick, she went from a pleasantly curvy women to a skeleton in a span of six months. In the first two months after Elisabeth's death she watched as Kurt sank into himself and turned into a stick figure. And now here she was, her bones practically showing through her almost translucent skin. She was even more pale than usual, which was never a good sign.
Deciding to leave the issue to her sober self, she checked her make up and left the room, wishing to get as far away from the mirror as she could.
"You still not up to this?"
"Not really."
"Then let's ditch those losers and go have some real fun."
She wished she could undo it.
That she could just snap her fingers and undo every little mistake she did in the past four years. That she could just close her eyes and puff they'd be gone.
But that was the problem, wasn't it? She always expected that when she closed her eyes everything would magically disappear. Puff her mom was healthy again. Puff her grades were pleasant. Puff she wasn't losing her virginity in a bar with a guy probably more than twice her age.
Puff she didn't have unprotected sex over a month ago.
Puff she wasn't pregnant.
Marlo woke up on the first of January 2012 with a killer hangover. It was so bad she was pretty sure her hangover had hangover. She groaned and turned around, snuggling into Rory's warm chest.
Kurt was sickeningly sweet to her. It was hard to watch, but it was still oddly pleasant. She suspected Blaine had something to do with it. After a quick search in her brother's sock drawer she found a small box. Small box for a freaking engagement ring. She quickly shut the drawer and vowed to never think of this again.
Was Kurt bat shit crazy? They were eighteen for fuck's sake. Thinking about marriage was beyond stupid. The fact that she's never even seen Kurt and Blaine fight was just another proof that they were getting into things they knew nothing about. They'd end up divorcing because Kurt didn't like the color scheme Blaine chose for their living room.
Mary massaged her temples, walking out of her twin's bedroom. She was too young to think about her sibling's failed marriages.
January was cold and awful. There was no snow but enough water to supply small African village for a year. She hated when it rained during winter.
Everyone was having a blast because of Mr. Shue's plan to pop the question. While her friends cheered, it got her thinking of Kurt.
He was young. Hew was too freaking young.
She pretended to be invested in Shue's soul baring talk but she could tell no one bought that, including Brittany.
She had to focus on the real problems, though. And her brother and his boyfriend wasting their lives were more important than thirty-something teachers with issues.
Still, she promised to herself to at least look at some songs before she got to bed.
And boy, she found a gem.
She took a deep breath. The bathroom suddenly looked so much colder than in the morning. She put the grocery bag down on the floor and sat on the edge of the bathtub, rubbing her thighs.
You can do this. You can do this.
Take the ribbon from my hair.
Her eyes closed, letting her paint the picture in her mind.
Shake it loose and let it fall
Her bedroom. Rory with his soft smile and his heart on his sleeve.
Layin' soft against your skin
Like the shadow on the wall
The innocent fumbling, the giggles, the unforgettable naivety on her part.
Come and lay down by my side
She opened her eyes, scanning the choir room and finally founding his gaze.
Till the early morning light
He smiled, his eyes full of… Full of love.
All I'm taking is your time
Help me make it through the night
She started to breathe heavily, sliding down the side of the tub and leaning her cheek against the cool tiles. She could do it. She had to do it.
I don't care what's right or wrong
She tore one of the boxes open, reading the instruction
'n' I won't try to understand
The three minutes wait was impossible. She set the timer for three minutes, not caring that most of them took two or less. She needed to think.
Let the devil take tomorrow
The alarm made her jump.
Lord tonight I need a friend
Most of the glee clubbers couldn't care less. But some of them could see that something was wrong. She knew that.
Yesterday is dead and gone
And tomorrow's out of sight
She forced herself to get up and look, just glance at them to be sure that-
She felt sick.
And it's so sad to be alone
Help me make it through the night
She ignored Kurt's staring. She ignored Blaine's concerned gaze. She ignored Finn's intense one. She tried to focus on Rory.
And it's so sad to be alone
Help me make it through the night
She couldn't be. She couldn't. She closed her eyes.
Puff.
She stared at the tests on her bathroom sink.
Positive.
I don't wanna be alone
Help me make it through the night
Marlo looked down at the floor, not caring about the applause. She pretended she didn't hear Shue saying that he wasn't really looking for that but it was still marvelous. She didn't sing it for him, anyway. She sang it for herself, for them.
Whatever them meant right now.
Forcing herself to return to her chair between her twin and Rory was almost as difficult as getting out of it in the first place, but she felt it was worth it.
Her stomach turned, forcing her to bite her lips.
She wanted to see that look one more time before making it disappear from Rory's face.