A/n: I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to post. As some of you may know, I'm also working on an AU which has been a bit of a challenge but is coming along. That being said, I haven't forgotten about this story, I promise. My goal is to try and post for it at least once a month if I can. I also have big life changes coming my way that also need my attention so I'll try and be fair with posting this. Unless I say otherwise, I will still be posting for this story.

Thank you really to anyone who's been following and has been patient with the wait. As well as still has an interest. I know it's been awhile. Thank you to anyone who reads, reviews, follows, and/of favorites. Special thanks to LilyBolt, miXiZ, jojospn, and Guest for your reviews from last chapter.

Spoiler alert for season 3premiere and season 2 in General.

My Dreams Aren't As Empty, As His Conscience Seems To Be

For someone so selfless Dean could be selfish. I know that may sound harsh, but hey, the truth isn't always a big fluffy pile of clouds and rainbows. In fact it rarely ever is.

I had kept well to my promise to do everything in my power to get Dean out of that demon deal he had made in exchange for me; books, internet, Bobby, whatever reliable source I could get my hands on. Meanwhile, while I had been frantically searching for something; anything to save his ass, he was off drinking, eating, and fucking, his way through his remaining days. Literally. It was like he had been completely ignoring the ticking clock that was his lifespan. Had I done anything to stop it? Ok so not exactly. I had sat with him will he got more and more carefree with every glass of whiskey, I made the food runs when he had been starving, whatever the hour, and I sat with books on my lap and flashlight in hand in the parking lot of motels or parked on the street in front of houses while Dean was polling the electorate, as I had put it. He deserved to have fun, even as I sat and worried. But it hadn't been just the fact that his life was on the line that worried me, it was that he hadn't shown any signs of caring that he would be gone in now less than a year. Little had I known at the time that the deal made, was a bit more complicated than I had originally thought.

"We trap a Crossroads demon. Trick it, try to welsh our way out of the deal in any way, you die. Okay? You die. Those are the terms. There's no way out of it. If you try to find a way, so help me God, I'm gonna stop you." So there it was. The truth as to why he hadn't been trying to fix this poor decision he had made. He had caught himself in a steel trap, getting out would be the death of me; and more than likely his as well.

"How could you make that deal, Dean?" I had asked with a sigh. His answer, to him, was plain and simple.

"Because I couldn't live with you dead. Couldn't do it." At those words, rage built up inside of me. Not just at him, but for him.

"So, what now? I live and you die?" I had asked bitterly. Dean shrugged like it wasn't his life we were talking about.

"That's the general idea, yeah."

As he had moved to continue towards the car, I moved to block him. He wasn't getting out of this that easy, not this time. If I didn't get this off my chest now, the chances of me getting to him again would be near impossible. He had engaged himself in...I wouldn't say heart to heart, but he was talking, and it wasn't about some hunt or something random; it was about him. A rarity even now seven years later. I wasn't about to let my brother off easy, so I had brought out the big guns, reminding him how he had felt when it was his life that had been spared in exchange for another.

"Yeah well you're a hypocrite, Dean. How did you feel when Dad sold his soul for you? Cause I was there. I remember. You were twisted and broken and now you go and do the same thing. To me." I had thought, maybe that will make him rethink this asinine idea that he had had. It hadn't been a lie. I still can remember how messed up he had been when our Dad died. And how even more messed up he had been knowing that he had died to save him. And now because Dean couldn't live with me dead, he had decided that he was good with me being the one that lived with him dead? What exactly was my big brother trying to tell me? That I didn't care about him? That he cared more about me then I did him? Or maybe it had been as simple as him not thinking at all. There was a difference between Dad and Dean. With Dad, Dean had had me to keep him, more or less, from going too dark. But for me, Dean was it. And I wouldn't have him to help get me through it, which means I wouldn't have anyone to keep me alright. "What you did was selfish."

"Yeah you're right, it was selfish, but I'm okay with that." He had been quick to respond. Almost as though he had been waiting, knowing I would call him out. Because ultimately, it was selfish of him even if it sounds selfless. It sounds good on paper, sure, but he was going to leave me to be alone in a world that was only growing more and more dangerous. And believe me when I say it has. If I knew what the future would bring back when I thought a couple of demons loose in the world was bad...but I hadn't and so in my eyes at the time, my brother was leaving me with a mess that seemed impossible to clean up. There's no way I was alright with that.

"I'm not."

"Tough. After everything I've done for this family, I think I'm entitled." Dean did do a lot for the family, I'll warrant him that. He took care of not only me, but Dad too. He's entitled to a lot. Rest, most definitely, death, absolutely not. I remember his eyes changing from that snarky smile they held so often, to a jaded plea for me to just accept things for what they were. "Truth is I'm tired Sam, it's like there's a light at the end of the tunnel."

"That's hellfire, Dean."

"Whatever. You're alive, I feel good for the first time in a long time." If that had been said to put me at ease and see things his way,he was sorely mistaken. In fact if anything, it made me even more uneasy than I already had been. He felt good that he was dying? It gave him some sort of peace or something? Why would that do the same for me? Why would him saying that make me worry any less than I already had been? Why would I be ok with his choice all of the sudden? "I got a year to live, Sam. I'd like to make the most of it. So what do you say we kill some sons of bitches and we raise a little hell? Huh?"

And that's where he had drawn the line. Or cut it. He was done with this conversation and although I may not have been, I knew it would be over. Because he said so. Without actually saying so. I've been doing this song and dance with him ever since we were kids. I'd bring up something he didn't want to get involved with, and he'd shut it down. Or sometimes he would entertain my thoughts a bit until it got too close to him actually having to share his feels. God forbid.

"You're unbelievable."

It hadn't been a compliment. He knew that, but yet Dean had responded with a smirk and an agreed. That was it. It was done. Conversation over. Now if I said anything it would be like poking at a clam, or a bear. Either way, it was upsetting silence for me or my ass was chewed out. There was no medium, happy or otherwise.

The moment the car had rumbled to life, my brother had reached for the volume and cranked it up. So we had gone the clam route. This was, is, his warped idea of pretending like we hadn't just had the talk that we had just had. By blaring classic rock into our eardrums, it would make everything else disappear. Or cause us to go deaf and therefore I wouldn't be able to confront him ever again. Which ever came first I guess.

He could blast the radio or cassette tapes all he wanted, because even if he was going to pretend we had just finished a normal hunt and life was like it always was, I wasn't. Because it wasn't. Come hell or high water, no pun intended, I was going to figure out some way to save my brother. And he could drink, fuck, and fight all he wanted. In the meantime I would spend everyday and every night with my nose in a book, my eyes on a screen, and an ear to a phone. Because maybe he can live with him dead, but I certainly couldn't.

A/n: Guest: I'm so happy that you liked my last chapter. To say you think I took a part of the show you really liked and made it better is so amazing to me. It means a lot, thank you.