Taylor: 28 days to Halloween!

Taylor: Daria and Thomas are coming this year, fyi

Taylor: do you want to do it at your place or do you want to just rent a hotel room to trash?

Taylor: not like trash trash. You know what I mean. Drink in.

Jude stared at the series of texts and then pressed call. He put his phone on speaker and then stuck it in one of Gerald's cup holders, backing out from his driveway as the call rang.

"Hey! What are you doing?" Taylor answered.

"Driving to campus."

"To see Connor?" Taylor teased.

"Actually, I'm scheduled to be in a psych study."

Taylor let out a grumble. "That's a little lame. You could be spending your time with the cute boy."

"The cute boy and I spent a lot of time together. He baked me a cake last weekend."

"That's adorable! I want one like him."

"I want him," Jude sighed.

"Don't go back to being angsty Jude," Taylor said sternly. "I love you but you weren't the most fun at thirteen and fourteen."

"I was never 'angsty'," Jude scoffed.

Taylor scoffed right back at him. "Anyway, Halloween. Since I know there's not that much space in your apartment and it might not be nice to piss off your landlords."

"Yeah, that could be done," Jude said. "Who all do you think is coming to this?"

"I've brought it up to some people," Taylor confessed. "So far, there's maybe eight. Nine if you think Connor would want to come too. Which isn't a big number for either your apartment or a hotel room but I know how protective you can get about your space and if people were going to pass out drunk it might be better that we weren't in your place."

"You might be smart, Taylor."

"'Might be'?" she asked shrilly. "Excuse you, Jude."

"Do you want to look into the hotel thing or do you want me to?"

"I can," Taylor said. "I'll do it soon, I'd like to have everything figured out earlier rather than later."

"Sounds like a plan."

"When are you seeing Connor again?"

"Tomorrow in class like every Friday. I thought you knew my schedule, Taylor," he teased.

"I try. I might as well be invested in your relationship seeing as I have none. I'm on the hunt, Jude, but so far, nothing."

"You can't force things, Taylor."

"And you're not a therapist. Or a fortune cookie. Have fun with the psych study, okay?"

"Okay, bye!"

"Bye!"

Jude hung up the phone and then turned it off as he headed into the psychology building. The psych study didn't last long – he was on the last part of it, which was just a questionnaire. It was a long one, nearly one hundred questions, and though the bubble sheet made his eyes cross at certain points, it certainly wasn't painful. He walked back outside in less than an hour and he flicked his phone on to find that he had a text from his sister, Mariana.

Mariana: Judicorn! Do you work on Friday/Saturday?

Jude: Friday, no. Saturday, late shift. Midnight to six.

Mariana: then you can come home on Friday night?

Jude: yeah. Why? Is something wrong?

Mariana: no. we just want to do a celebration dinner for callie's new job. First weekend we can all be around for it.

Jude: I'll be home then!

Mariana: see you!

Jude threw his phone on the passenger seat and started the car. As he began to drive through campus, his eyes wandered to the tall building that housed that nano dorms. He wondered what Connor was doing right now. He wondered what Connor would do if Jude texted him out of the blue and asked him to hang out. Then, he wondered if Connor would want to. He and Connor saw each other at least four times a week and usually for several hours at a time. Jude didn't want Connor to feel suffocated by their friendship in anyway or bothered by it. He thought of Sunday, when he had hugged Connor and held the other man in his arms. Again, the feeling that Connor fit there threatened to overwhelm Jude, but Jude shoved it back with the thought that, the same day, Connor had questioned Jude again about his feelings. Jude didn't want to creep Connor out or bother him. He didn't want to be that person.

As if Jude had summoned him, he saw Connor cutting across campus, sweat on his brow and a gym bag on his shoulder. Jude pulled over to the side of the road and called out a 'hey'. Connor nearly jumped out of his skin but Jude was happy to see that he relaxed when he recognized Gerald. He approached the passenger side and Jude rolled the window down.

"Can I drive you home?"

"It's a two minute walk."

"That could be a thirty second drive." Connor's expression remained flat. "Can I drive you to dinner?"

"Dinner?"

"I know it's only, like, five," Jude said. "But since you're here and I'm here …"

"I just went to the gym. I need to shower."

"Gerald and I would be happy to wait in the parking lot for you."

"Are you going to let me say no?"

"I'll always let you. It's your own choice to make. But if you want to go to dinner, you can pick where."

Jude always thought that Connor was going to just tell him that he'd see him tomorrow, but then Connor smiled and got into the passenger seat.

"You're very convincing," Connor said.

"In a bad way?"

"Not yet."

"Yet? You have high hopes for me."

It took the space of those few words for Jude and Connor to arrive at the nano parking lot.

"Maybe I do," Connor whispered. "Maybe that's not fair to you. But I don't know yet."

"That's all right. So, I'm sitting and waiting until we go to dinner?"

"If you don't mind."

"Not at all." Jude turned off the car and then made himself comfortable in the front seat. "But you should shower. You kind of smell."

"You're the one that let me in your car knowing I had come from the gym."

"Touché. You win that one."

"I won't be too long."

"Don't feel like you need to rush," Jude said. "I get Wi-Fi here. If I was running on data, we'd have a different situation."

Connor smirked and let himself out of the car. Jude spent his time scrolling through his Facebook newsfeed, which was mostly the same news he got out of it every time around. Some selfies, some vacation photos, and some complaints about university life. A girl he knew from high school was engaged; a boy he knew from high school was switching colleges; a boy he met in one of his intro to psych courses was switching majors; his first year R.A. was pregnant. Jude mindlessly scrolled along his phone screen, hitting like on a status or two when they were from people that he'd actually talked to in the past six months. It didn't take long before Connor was back in his car, this time with his usual back pack instead of a gym bag.

"Do I smell better?"

Jude leant forward and dramatically sniffed. He could smell soap strongly and, then, under that something that must have been Connor's deodorant. Whatever it was, it smelled good and it had more than enough of an effect on him. Jude wondered what was wrong with him, that a simple smell could get him so wound up. He couldn't remember that happening to him, ever.

"A little," Jude finally forced out, remembering that Connor had asked him a question. He put himself in his seat properly. "What do you want to eat?"

"I was thinking about burgers? Just something simple."

"Sure. I know a place," Jude said.

"I trust your judgement … I think."

"I'll take it," Jude said, turning his steering wheel and heading out of the parking lot. "What else did you do today?"

"I had my entrepreneur class. We're being put into groups next week. We need to come up with a product, how to market it, and things like that. It's our final project."

"You don't sound too enthusiastic."

"It's people. I don't like people."

Jude stopped at a red light. "Should I be offended?"

"No. You're … just one person." Connor's fingers touched Jude's forearm. "You're my friend."

Jude dropped his hand off the steering wheel and took Connor's hand. "Is this all right?"

"If you can still drive."

"Trust me, I'm a doctor."

Connor laughed. "Or you've just proven yourself a liar."

"A doctor wouldn't lie."

Jude pulled into a parking lot and Connor looked around.

"Are we near your house?"

"Two streets that way," Jude said, pointing. "What do you think?"

"I think it looks like a burger place. And I think I trust your judgement."

The two of them got out of the car and walked into the small place. It was a crowded space, with people standing and sitting all around, and Jude looked over at Connor, who was shifting closer and closer to him. Being brushed up against here would be unavoidable.

"They do take-out," Jude said. "If you'd prefer my apartment."

"Please," Connor said.

It broke Jude's heart that it was a whimper.

"Okay, come here." Jude pulled Connor back outside the door, where there was a menu posted on the front of the business. "Tell me what you want, I'll go order, and then you can wait in Gerald this time."

"Thank you, Jude."

Connor was gripping tightly onto Jude's forearm. So tightly that it was nearly uncomfortable, and Jude reached up to put his fingers over Connor's.

"I interrupted your day. Might as well make this as easy as possible for you."

"Is it hard for you?" Connor asked suddenly. "I don't want things to be hard for you, either."

"This isn't hard for me. Let's pick burgers, okay?"

Connor was quick to pick one of the burgers, though Jude spent a few more minutes poking around at the menu.

"Are you good?"

Connor nodded. "Are … are you sure this is okay?"

"Completely. Don't worry about it, Connor." Jude could tell from the look on Connor's face that the request had been in vain. He fished his keys out of his pocket. "Here, just in case you need to turn the air conditioning on or something."

Connor opened his palm and, while Jude could have dropped the keys into his hand, instead, he pressed the keys into his hand. He knew that touching his hand didn't bother Connor anymore and Jude just wanted to feel the touch of Connor's fingers. Connor's hand curled around the keys.

"Don't get too bored in the car," Jude said.

"Maybe I'll go for a joyride," Connor said.

"You'd need to put gas in it," Jude teased. "I don't get paid until tomorrow so he's a little hungry."

"Then I shouldn't make you pay for –"

"Connor, I'm not that broke. It's fine, okay? Trust me, I won't hide it when I am that broke."

Connor jingled the keys against his palm. "Okay."

Jude headed back into the mess of people, inching his way toward an older waitress, who quickly took his order and called him honey when she said that it wouldn't be long. Judging by the crowd, though, Jude didn't know how much he believed her. He took a stool along the counter at the front, turning so that he could see Connor. Connor was pulling the visor on the passenger side down to block the sun, and then Jude watched him curl up. From here, Jude couldn't read the expression on Connor's face but he hoped that he was feeling comfortable. There was something about the late day sunshine and just how good today had felt so far that was making Jude happy. He just wanted Connor to be happy too.

Jude pulled out his phone.

Jude: bored?

Connor: you are

Jude: a little. No one's having any interesting conversations for me to listen to

Connor: I'm sorry

Jude: the woman next to me is just talking about how her husband should dye his hair brown because he's starting to go grey

Connor: she's not talking for your benefit

Jude: oh, well, now I'm offended

Connor: really?

Jude: no

He added a smiley face for good measure and then he sent the text. He watched Connor go from tense to more relaxed as he checked his phone again.

"Here, honey, one deluxe cheeseburger and one California burger, each with a side of fries! Can I get you anything else?"

"No, thank you."

Jude collected the paper bag that their take-out was collected in and slipped from the stool. He practically skipped out the front door and into the warmth of the day. He pulled on the driver's side door, only to find it locked. Connor looked sheepish as he reached over and unlocked the door for Jude.

"Sorry."

"No big deal. Here, hold onto this, please."

Connor took the bag and Jude headed home. It was a very short drive and soon, Connor was sitting at the counter, unpacking their food, while Jude was pulling ketchup and drinks out of the fridge. Jude had a few cans of beer in the back of the fridge and he almost reached for one, but then he glanced over at Connor. He got the feeling that Connor wasn't comfortable with alcohol, and Jude thought of a few reasons why. He wouldn't keep himself from drinking in front of Connor all the time but, for today, he didn't need one. Instead, he grabbed the jug of lemonade.

"Do you want anything else?" Jude asked, placing the items in front of Connor and then turning to grab glasses.

"You might think it's weird," Connor said, "but can I have some vinegar?"

"Ask and you shall receive," Jude said, digging for the bottle in his cupboard. He pulled it out with a flourish and set it on the counter too, and then he took his seat.

They were quiet as they ate, but it was the kind of silence that Jude enjoyed. There were no trickles of awkwardness between them. They were able to enjoy their food and share the ketchup bottle and just be happy in the moment. Jude decided that this one of his favourites way to feel. He tucked his foot on the bottom rung of Connor's stool and his toes touched the side of Connor's foot.

"Stealing my space?" Connor asked, but there was a lighthearted note to his tone that made Jude smile.

"That a problem?"

Connor hooked his foot around Jude's. Jude left their feet like that as they ate, but it was a bit of a strange position. He was just happy that it was contact that Jude hadn't initiated. Connor finished off his food first and sat there, swinging their feet in between the two stools. Jude even heard him humming under his breath.

"What song is that?"

"Oh." Connor blushed. "I didn't mean to …" He trailed off as he sometimes did, as if he was waiting for Jude to talk over him. "Was I bothering you?"

"No. What song was it?"

"It was just Drops Of Jupiter," Connor admitted. "You know, the song by Train."

"I don't live under a rock … most of the time. Even then, my rock is just my job and the radio is always on."

Connor smiled, but he was staring down at the counter and he wouldn't look up at Jude. Jude wiggled his toes against Connor's foot and dropped his fry.

"Now that she's back in the atmosphere, with drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey, hey."

Connor let out the weirdest sounding snort and he covered his face with both hands.

Jude made sure to continue his dramatic, awkward screeching. "She acts like summer and walks like rain, reminds me that there's time to change, hey, hey, hey."

He almost didn't get through the line this time. He was laughing too hard at himself. He still reached out and pulled one of Connor's hands away from his face so he could madly gesture with it.

"Since the return of her stay on the moon!"

"Okay, okay!" Connor laughed.

"What? You don't think I'm a good singer!?"

Connor hesitated. "I think you could be okay … if you weren't trying to be funny."

"I was funny enough for you to laugh with me."

"You are funny," Connor amended.

Jude dropped Connor's hand and reached for the rest of his fries, quickly eating them. "Can I convince you to hang out a bit longer?"

"I might be upset if you didn't ask," Connor admitted.

Jude grinned, gathering up their take-out containers. "These are my favourite kind of dishes."

"I can't see why," Connor said.

Jude dropped them into the trash. "Sarcasm looks good on you."

Jude suspected he was biased. He also knew that Connor was smart enough to realize that too, but there was no suspicious expression on Connor's face. Connor didn't comment on it, however, and they took their seats on the couch together. Connor sat close to Jude again, and Jude felt comfortable enough to put his head back on Connor's shoulder. Connor's hand found Jude's free one and Jude smiled, though it faded as he thought. Connor felt only friendship. That was all there was behind the gesture. Jude inhaled the sweet scent of Connor's laundry detergent. Friendship was more than enough.

"Oh! Can we watch that one?" Connor said. "Sorry, I mean, if that's what you want to watch."

Jude looked up at the screen. "Another comedy special by that John guy?"

"I really liked him."

"Then that's what we'll watch." Jude went to press play.

"Wait!" Connor blurted. "I think there's something I should talk to you about."

Jude put the remote down on the coffee table and he sat up so that he and Connor were facing one another. Connor looked more nervous than Jude could ever remember seeing him. His hands, which he had pulled into his lap, were clenched tightly together and his whole body was trembling.

Jude's mouth went dry. "What's wrong?"

"I need to say this right. So you understand. So you don't get mad …"

"I'm not going to get mad at you, Connor."

There was nothing but doubt on Connor's face and Jude couldn't blame him for that.

"Hypothetically," Connor said, "what would you say if I said I wanted to kiss you?"

Jude felt like his heart was going to stop and his whole body went tight. Still, he thought about his answer carefully. He didn't know where this was going to go. "I … would say that you should ask me to kiss you, then."

"And if I asked?"

"I'd kiss you." Jude couldn't resist asking his own question. "Do you want me to?"

"That's the harder part. You have to understand that I've only ever known him like that. For so long, I knew that it was only ever going to be him that I would be with. And I – I was convinced I loved him, then. But I've been learning that the way that we were together wasn't normal and the more that I learn the more I realize how much it affected me and how b-bad it was. I'm still trying to figure out what's normal and what my feelings really are. Sometimes reality isn't how I see it because I'm still seeing it through the lens of him. Where … where I'm scared about anything and everything because I feel like something's always going to be coming after me. Am I making sense?"

"I think so," Jude murmured. "It just leaves me wondering. Do you want to kiss me as an experiment?"

Jude had been kissed once before by a boy who said he wasn't gay. He hadn't been sure at the time how to feel about it, though he knew that he'd felt used. He hadn't even liked the boy who kissed him – they'd been casual acquaintances, perhaps on their way to being friends – but Jude hadn't even had something close to resembling a crush on him. He didn't know how he would feel if Connor said yes to his question. He liked Connor; he liked Connor so much that it was hard for Jude to wrap his head around the fact that he'd barely met the other boy a month ago.

"No!" Connor burst out. "I mean, that's not how I see it. I knew I'd get this wrong, I'm so sorry, Jude."

Connor hid his face away in his hands and tried to curl up into a ball.

"It's okay. Take your time."

It took a few moments before Connor sat up and wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand, staring downward at the couch cushions. He took a few deep breaths and his shaking became even more pronounced.

"I meant … I know that I want to kiss you. But I don't know what that means. I still don't know if I want to be more than your friend. I don't know if I'd want to kiss you again after. I'm … a mess of a person. I know that. You know that. I can't hide it. What I know is that I want to be your friend. You're the best friend I've ever had, as sad as that might sound. I want to keep that. And that's selfish and I'm so sorry. I just I'm trying to figure this out the best that I can!"

Jude was at a loss for words. "Can I have a hug?"

Connor leant into his arms. "I'm so sorry, Jude."

Jude carefully crossed his arms along Connor's back. He'd learnt, last time, that Connor didn't like it when his arms went around his waist in the same way. Jude tucked his head against Connor, searching for the right thing to say.

"Connor, I'm going to be your friend," he said, because that part was easy to handle. "That's before everything. We're friends."

"We're friends," Connor whispered.

"Why do you think you want to kiss me?"

"Because I feel safe with you. Because I'm not blind and I know you're cute. Because we're friends but then … sometimes, I wonder if that's all. My dad talked about you. He said that I shouldn't get in my own way and I'm just wondering if I'm just being scared. I want you to be happy." Connor lifted his head and Jude met his eyes. "Why? What are you thinking?"

"Is this about making your dad happy? Or you think you need to be with me because I like you?"

"I don't think so. On either. I … want to know if … if … if I could be that kind of happy with you, I guess? I don't want to be in my own way. And you don't make me feel that way, Jude. You know, like I'm trapped. Sometimes my world gets strange, but I know you try and make sure that I don't feel like I have to do one thing or another with you and I see that, I do, and I appreciate it."

Jude gripped Connor's hands tightly. "You just still don't seem used to being next to each other on the couch, sometimes. You're shaking. I can't make that worse for you. If we want to do this, I don't want to do it before we're ready."

"That's why I said I don't know if I'd be able to do it again. I did say that, didn't I? I just … it's been on my mind, Jude. I want to kiss you."

"Now?" Jude asked.

Connor nodded.

His eyes were Jude's undoing. "We're going to be friends, right? No matter what?"

Connor nodded again. "Jude … can I kiss you?"

"Yes," Jude whispered, so breathless that he hardly made any sound at all.

He closed his eyes as he and Connor moved toward one another. He felt butterflies well up in his stomach as Connor's lips met his. It was the shortest kiss that Jude had have ever had. Their lips brushed one another with the barest amount of pressure and then Connor was ducking away. He fell into Jude, instead of away from him, tucking his head back against Jude's shoulder. Jude wrapped his arms around Connor without opening his eyes, just trying to get a hold of his breath and slow his heartbeat. The feelings inside of him were something that he'd never felt. He didn't know what to do about the way he felt about Connor; the way that he'd felt for Dylan had been completely different. Jude didn't know what to do about any of it.

"What are you feeling?" Jude asked Connor.

The closer that he and Connor got, the more unbelievable it seemed to Jude that this was only a friendship. He'd respect that line, he couldn't imagine not respecting the man in his arms, but Jude felt as if he fell for Connor more every time that he saw the other man, and then there was this. The kiss. Jude just didn't know.

"I think …" Connor said, "Um. I don't know. It'd be so much easier if you could just tell me how I feel."

"I can't do that."

"You could. I'd listen to you."

The fact that it was the truth terrified Jude to the core. "I wouldn't do that to you. It needs to be your choice."

"I know. I just don't know if I can figure it out."

"Then take it one little bit at a time. It won't change the fact that I'm here for you."

"Maybe not right now … but maybe some other time we could do it again? I … didn't feel what I expected to feel."

Jude settled his cheek on the top of Connor's head. Connor didn't seem in a hurry to let go of Jude any time soon, which surprised him. Less than a month ago, Connor had rushed from one side of a bed to the other when Jude had accidentally brushed against his leg. Maybe he'd just needed someone to be nice to him. Maybe he was unintentionally using Jude. Maybe he couldn't separate genuine human kindness from romantic feelings. Jude's stomach clenched at the thought. He actually didn't know if he could deal with that.

"What did you expect to feel?"

"Either nothing or … When he kissed me, it always just made me confused. I just always felt like it wasn't enough or he was holding something back or there was just something that I was missing. It's so hard to explain."

"What did you feel with me?" It was the more important question to Jude, though he knew that he had to be respectful of anything Connor felt safe enough to reveal about his ex-boyfriend.

"That's the part I'm trying to figure out. It wasn't nothing. I know that. I'm sorry I can't say more. I'm so sorry."

"No, no, no. That's enough."

"W-what did you feel?"

"Like I expected kissing you to feel. I was happy. I liked it. It made me think about –" Jude cut himself off. "It was good."

"No, please!" Connor sat up, suddenly sounding desperate. "Please tell me what you were going to say. I hate not know, please! Please!"

"Okay, okay. Just calm down, okay? I'll tell you."

"Not to force you! I j-j-just –"

"Connor, let's just take a deep breath, okay?" Jude suggested, sitting back again so that they could look at one another.

Connor heaved in a breath. The grip he had on Jude's hands was tight, and Jude ran his thumbs over Connor's knuckles.

"Okay," Jude said, taking his own breath. "First thing: if there's something I can do to help you, it's okay to tell me. I'd tell you if something was bothering me and you could do something to help, okay?"

Connor nodded, just staring into Jude's eyes.

"Second thing." Jude closed his eyes. This one was harder to say, because he didn't know what Connor would say in response. "I was going to say that it made me think about being with you. You know, being your boyfriend."

"Oh. I … I don't know what to say to that."

"You don't have to say anything yet. Do you want to just watch the movie? Maybe we can talk about it after?"

"Okay. Yeah. Okay." Connor's voice was watery and shaking as he nodded.

He put his head down on Jude's shoulder.

"Can I put my arm around your shoulders?" Jude asked, not wanting to push anything right now. He couldn't tell what was on Connor's mind; he didn't know what Connor thought about everything they had just said or about their brief kiss.

"Okay."

Jude carefully settled his arm around Connor. Connor wasn't tense under Jude's arm, which made Jude feel happy. Maybe Connor wasn't scared. Maybe Connor did know what he was doing. Maybe … Jude desperately tried to stop that train of thought. He wasn't going to tease himself with all of the possibilities, he couldn't. He was just going to sit here, enjoy the comedy special, and let Connor think it through. Jude thought that he and Connor were both clear on where Jude stood. It was Connor that had to lead this. It was Connor that had to make the decisions.

It was ten o'clock when the parting joke was made. Connor hadn't moved all through the two hours and he reluctantly sat up, feeling Jude's arm slide off his shoulders. He was scared to look into Jude's face. What did Jude think of him now? Did Jude see how broken he was? Did he hate Connor for it? Was he ready to give up on Connor? Their friendship probably wasn't worth it to him now.

"Are you okay?" Jude asked.

Connor didn't understand how anyone could be so sweet.

"I – I think so." Connor tapped his cell phone screen and checked the time. It getting a little late and it was about the time that he usually left Jude's but he didn't really want to go. He didn't know whether or not Jude wanted him to stay.

"If you're all right, I think we should let Gerald be lazy in the driveway for another hour or so. What do you think?"

"It's like you … you can read my mind."

"I think it's because you just let me know you."

Connor leant back into Jude's side, resting his head along Jude's collarbone. The side of his neck ached; he'd been in this position too long. Connor ignored it. He wanted to be right here. Jude's arm rested around him again and all Connor felt was comfort. Jude turned the TV to a rerun of a sitcom, but Connor wasn't really interested in paying attention to it. Instead, he closed his eyes and thought of Jude's kiss. It wasn't like Connor's first kiss at all, which had been with a girl during a round of spin the bottle. He hadn't felt anything for her and she hadn't felt anything for him. And it wasn't like Connor's first kiss with his ex-boyfriend. Connor hadn't been expecting that kiss at all. He'd been so young, just two weeks shy of his fifteenth birthday, and he'd been in the middle of a terrifying emotional whirlwind where he was desperately trying to come to terms with the fact that he was gay and where he was beginning to suspect that he had a crush on the older man in front of him, who he knew was gay. They'd been sitting together, after one of Connor's baseball games, and then he'd just been kissed. He hadn't been able to prepare for it; he wasn't ready for that kiss at all, or all that it would bring with it. His first kiss with another male had left him confused and anxious. He hadn't known what to expect from kissing Jude; he only knew that from his previous kisses, he'd felt nothing or he'd felt a lot of harsh things. It wasn't like that. Kissing Jude had felt like Connor had always seen kisses described. He'd felt butterflies, he'd felt excited, he'd felt like the seconds that he had spent kissing Jude could have lasted forever.

Those feelings were nearly scarier than anything else Connor had ever felt. He'd never had those feelings before. He knew that Jude would give him the time and space to figure it out but that frustrated Connor too. It came back to the same feeling he'd had since returning to Adam's house in December. If he were any other person, any other boy, he wouldn't be treated the way that he was. Jude and Adam would not have to watch their words and their actions so carefully. They wouldn't have to be so overly considerate. Connor sometimes wondered how much of it was genuine and how much of an act was put on for him; he knew that it wasn't hard to see how fragile he was, no matter how hard he tried to hide it. He'd never been good at it.

If he were someone else, he might be free to kiss Jude, because they would both know what he meant by it. If he were someone else, he would know the line between friends and boyfriends. He would be able to recognize when his feelings were platonic or if they were romantic. If he were someone else … he might be happy.

"Jude?"

"Yeah?"

Connor lifted his head off Jude's shoulder and, oh, his face was right there. His lips were right there. Connor felt himself tense, but not in any of the ways he was used to. He knew what fear felt like on his body. He knew what he did when he was expecting pain. This, Connor didn't recognize. He felt like there was an electric current in his veins.

"Can we kiss again?"

"Are you sure you want to?"

Connor nodded. At least, one more time, he wanted to know what Jude's lips felt like when they touched his. This time, he wanted a longer kiss. He knew that he was the reason that the kiss had been short last time but he'd been caught off-guard, despite being the initiator. Connor felt Jude's hand tighten slightly against his bicep and he knew what was coming. This time, he was prepared for Jude's kiss and how soft his lips were. He was prepared for the way his heart felt like it was skipping beats and the way that he just wanted to stay there in the innocence of the moment. Connor knew better than to try and push himself that far and he broke the kiss once again. This time, he didn't hide. He stayed close to Jude, watching as Jude's eyes slowly opened.

"Connor," he murmured.

"I don't think I'm ready to talk about it anymore," Connor whispered.

"That's okay," Jude said.

Connor really didn't think it was. He couldn't imagine that, if the world were the other way around, that he would have the patience for dealing with a person like him. In this world, he barely had the patience to deal with himself. He slowly put himself back into Jude's arms. They didn't speak again until it was late enough that they both knew that Connor had to go back to his dorm room. Connor wasn't sure what he would have even said if Jude had tried to talk. He and Jude held hands for the duration of the drive and Connor wondered how much Jude was reading into it. Jude had said that kissing him made him think about dating him and Connor's brain nearly stalled out at the idea of that. He didn't know if he'd ever be okay with being a boyfriend again. The thought of going back to being someone's property made him feel a little ill.

"I'll see you in class tomorrow," Jude said.

Connor looked up at the nano building. He couldn't see his room window from here. Then, he looked over at Jude. "Tomorrow."

Jude squeezed his hand gently and Connor wondered if he was expecting a kiss. As usual, he got it all wrong. Jude didn't look at him like he expected anything. Instead, Jude just told him goodnight and Connor let go of his hand and slipped out of the car. He walked inside his building and then turned around at the door and watched Jude drive away. Connor only turned to go up the stairs once Jude was out of the parking lot.

He entered his room thinking not about Jude but about his ex. Being with his ex was a constant whirlwind of emotion. Connor had always felt like he was a pinball, flying from one corner of the machine to another, never being able to rest or escape. Their relationship had been escalated. The time period from when Connor first met him to when he'd moved in with him was only three and a half weeks. But for those three and a half weeks, Connor had been anxious whenever he'd been dropped back off at his father's house. He'd never able to just be content and happy with how things were with his ex. He'd always been on edge.

Now, he and Jude had kissed and he was alone. If this was anything like his last relationship, Connor would be expecting his phone to be blowing up, because space and privacy were something that Connor had given up so that he could have his relationship. Connor knew he would get one more text from Jude and that it would be Jude saying he arrived home safely. There were no expectations that they have to talk every moment; there were no expectations that they had to spend every free moment together. Connor just liked spending time with him.

Connor folded his desk down and his bed came out. He straightened out the blankets and pillows, rolling his desk chair out of the way. He sent a single text to Adam, saying that he was in for the night. Then, he got ready for bed slowly, not willing to let his head touch the pillow until he heard that Jude was home safely. Twenty minutes after Connor had said goodnight to Jude in front of his building, the text came in, and that was when Connor tucked himself into bed. He pulled his blankets up close to his chin and then pressed his face against the pillow. He couldn't help the smile on his face as the thought of kissing Jude crossed his mind once more.

Connor knew that he would need time. He also knew that Jude would give it to him. He knew that, if he wanted, Jude would be with him for every step of the way.

Maybe things would be okay after all.

The chapter's title is after the song Drops Of Jupiter by Train (also song featured in the chapter). If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)

So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.