A/N: Long chapter ahead. Last chapter…
After we auditioned, Tina, Mercedes, Artie and I went to the library to study a bit. Dad had given me the afternoon off of work since I was doing school stuff. The four of us talked about how the first couple days of school had gone and what we thought about the glee club. I was a little worried because it was us four plus this Rachel girl, I couldn't speak for the others but Rachel really, really annoyed me. We hadn't actually started Glee practice though, we only heard each others auditions from the hall, and heard Rachel's spiel about her being a star. I hated that people thought their biggest problem was not being noticed, when I had tried to go unnoticed.
It was the end of the week and Mr. Shuester had not gotten in touch with us for information about Glee. That week had been the longest week ever; I only got to talk to Tina and Mercedes during lunch, and only texted Brittany, as she was always busy with Santana, Puck, or the Cherrios. Saturday was the worst day. Tina went out of town, Mercedes and Artie went shopping, and Brittany was in practice all day. Dad was in the shop, and I had no one to do anything with. My homework was done, I wasn't needed at the shop, and tv wasn't interesting.
I started cleaning my room, when I noticed the razor and pills in my bottom drawer of my desk. I had forgotten I stashed them there. I didn't really feel the need to cut as I had before school started, but holding the thin blade in my hand made the thought tempting. I didn't relish the idea of going back to the hospital, or God forbid the rehab center, so I simply popped two of the pills, thinking that maybe I would get a little numbing feel-good feeling going, and went on cleaning.
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The next week Mr. Shuester found each of us and informed us that Glee club practice would be every Tuesday and Thursday after school for two hours. We had to get our parents to sign a permission form and then we would be good to go. Dad signed right away, saying not to worry about the two days off from work. When I handed in the form, I finally felt like I belonged somewhere. I was still being bullied, but now it was because I was part of Glee, not because I was an outsider, or different. It was better this way.
When I told my dad I had gotten into the Glee club (which wasn't hard to do, everyone got in), he mumbled a congrats and kept working on the old Chevy truck he was under. I got back to work on the Lincoln Navigator I had been assigned to. It was only after I had finished it that I was told that was MY Navigator. Dad bought me a car.
I texted Mercedes and Tina as soon as I found out about my car, both congratulated me, but didn't say much otherwise. I found myself lonely again – celebrating my new car on my own. I guess once a loner always a loner.
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As the weeks went on we gained new members in the Glee club. Brittany, Santana, and Puck joined, as did Quinn, miss head Cherrio herself and Finn, the best looking guy I had ever seen. And yes, I admit at this point I was gay. I couldn't not be with that guy around. Just because I admitted to myself I was gay doesn't mean I could tell everyone though. I hid it from Mercedes, telling her I liked Rachel when she had all but asked me to go steady, and that got my windows broken on my baby.
So I tried the whole straight thing, I got Brittany to agree to make out with me, see if I liked it. It was horrible. But the one thing I noticed, is when I started talking to my friends, having real conversations, not made up niceties, I stopped being so damned depressed. Yea, it was still hard, and coming out to my father was next to impossible, but it was doable, and it made things better.
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My junior year was hard. When my life was threatened I knew I couldn't be at that school anymore. I talked to my dad, knowing things were rough around the edges, but I knew he wouldn't want me to be in trouble. We had a long hard chat, our little family of me, Dad, Finn, and Carole. This was the first time Finn and Carole had heard about my depression, suicide attempts, and general sucky first year of high school. Finn was shocked at how well I had been the last year.
"Honestly Finn, it was thanks to you and the rest of New Directions. We may not have always seen eye to eye, but at least I had people who were supportive of me. If things with Karofsky settle down then I'll try to come back." I had started to cry, letting people in was still hard, none of my friends knew about my suicide attempts. I hoped Finn would keep it a secret.
I told Dad about Dalton Academy and how Blaine told me there was a zero tolerance for bullying. I told him I would apply for scholarships, take a job outside of the shop, anything to get me in there. He told me that he and Carole would get me there.
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When things started getting serious with Blaine and I, I knew I had to tell him about my past. We'd worked through bad relationship choices on his end, me going back to New Directions, and our horrible summer apart while he worked at Six Flags. When he came to McKinley, I knew we were in this for the long-haul.
I told him about my horrible Freshman year, how I wanted nothing more than to die. And how, the big reason I had to go back to New Directions last semester had more to do with those guys being my saviors than my friends. He understood, the Warblers were kind of like that for him. Now that we had each other we could stop relying on our music groups to be supportive, but I would never forget New Directions, the friendship I got from spending a few hours a week with a group of kids, so different, but so alike – everyone just needing somewhere we weren't judged for being ourselves. I'm proud to say that even when things got rough, I didn't go back to wanting to die. I didn't drink out of desperation for the dull numbing feeling. I didn't pop pills in hopes of forgetting the day. I didn't cut anymore, I preferred my blood to stay under my skin now, the skin I cared to much for, the skin that some people didn't understand my fascination of my daily and nightly regiments. Everything was done to keep me alive now, I had a good life, not perfect, but there were good parts to it. I didn't want to miss any of it.