Author's note:
We're back to Naomi – is she still the same after what happened to Ems? Read and find out ;)
Just how often can your heart be ripped apart before it won't be able to heal itself? How often can you pick up the broken pieces and glue them back together before the one essential piece gets missing and you can't fix it anymore?
A few stray tears fell down my cheeks while the rest of my body kept perfectly still as my mind was busy with doing handicrafts. I sure didn't know the answer to my previous questions, but I knew for sure that this time just couldn't be the last. Also, I figured I would already know, if it really were, anyways.
I remembered the last and only time I saw my girlfriend like this before. The current situation was a little different from the scene I had in mind, for Emily was awake instead of sleeping and dreaming, but just like then, she lay naked before me. Not in the physical sense of the word, but the vulnerable one. She was wounded and fragile – but also still with me. Just like all the times before, she still refused to get rid of the damn stove that had burnt her several times now.
But that's not entirely true., I thought and shallowed as I was suddenly lost in my more recent memories; the one time I had made her turn away from me for real.
.
Within a few seconds several noises had reached my focussed ears, that were forced to replace my eyes in that moment. There was Dominic screaming for help, several other alarmed voices, shuffling noises and a few orders for medications I had never heard of before.
Sadly, the one thing I really needed to hear – Em's voice – was not among all these sounds.
"Emily? Emily! Oh god!"
No one seemed to notice my panicked screams, but that sure didn't stop me from trying to be heard, anyways. I kept on and on, however, as soon as I had wasted a whole minute on screaming without any results, I threw the blanket off my body. Although every single one of my limbs wouldn't contribute to it, I worked feverishly to get out of my bed as soon as possible. I felt like a tiger that was about to get caged for life and there was nothing left but this one chance to escape such a dreadful fate.
As soon as my feet touched the floor, my knees buckled and I nearly fell to the ground. Somehow I managed to keep my balance nevertheless and reached for the intravenous bottle holder that from now on not only acted as my medication but also as a walking cane.
I started to get dizzy after just a few steps. Walking while receiving chemo was never a good idea, but in this case, I didn't care about anything else than the well-being of my girlfriend. The bad feeling I had from before was still there and grew with each second that flew by. I couldn't accept it, though. I needed to see what was going on with my own eyes before judging anything – good or bad.
I reached the dropped flowers in the doorway and immediately looked around the corner. And even though I had already suspected it, I was still quite shocked to see Dominic, Angie, my doctor and another nurse all kneeling around my girlfriend just a few inches away from me. Dominic held up her beautiful head as Dr. Rosenberg slapped her pale cheeks a little, failing to wake Emily up with the action.
"What's wrong with her!", I demanded and made a few quick steps. Too quick, obviously, because I stumbled and crashed into the nearest wall, flinching because I was disappointed in myself for being such a weakling.
"Naomi, for God's sake, are you out of your mind!", Angie scolded and was besides me in mere seconds. "Come on!", she said and starting to pull me back into the direction of my room.
"No, Emily, I-"
"She'll be fine! Come on."
"No!"
"Naom-"
"Fucking no!"
I nearly slapped Angie full in the face as I was fighting her arms that were successfully dragging me away. I really liked her, but wasn't even sorry when my rather clumsy hand collided with the side of her head. Angie's grip loosened for a second but I froze as my doctor's voice roared across the floor: "Get her out of here– now!".
He then ordered Dominic to pick Emily up and the fear of getting separated again cut so very deep that I lost it for a second: All color dropped from my face until I was nearly as pale as my girlfriend – I could feel it – and my stomach turned on the spot, making me choke up some vomit already.
"Emily!", I yelled one last time, all the fear evident in my voice, before me and Angie crashed to the floor and I started to gag violently. I felt lost, but found a minimal glimmer of hope when I realized I had finally forced a reaction out of someone with my screaming.
"Naomi!", Dominic yelled over while situating Emily in his arms properly, "I'll take care of her!"
And then they were gone.
Immediately after the incident, Angie dragged me into the shower. It was really the last thing I wanted to do, but Angie insisted, talking about "quite a distinctive niff in my room" or something. I can't say for sure anymore, but I realized in the back of my head that she wanted to distract me from the horrors before.
I believe I was in shock. Unable to move after having been separated from the one human that mattered, I just stood there, staring awkwardly at the sterile white bathroom tiles while Angie washed my wrecked body.
It was only when her face and the red mark on it came to the fore that I reacted. I instinctively extended a hand, placed it over Angie's probably sore temple and bit my trembling lip, when she flinched away form the touch. We locked eyes.
"You have a mean left hook, you know that?", Angie said with a smirk. It made my walls grumble like a dry sandcastle in a hurricane.
"I'm so sorry.", I mumbled unsteadily – tears mixing into the water dripping from my face – "I'm sorry! I'm really sorry … Em."
.
That last memory was definitely one that I would never forget in my entire life. Not only because of the visual image of a naked cancer patient being held by her nurse in the middle of showering. Or the fact that said nurse was such an angel for putting up with everything just the right way. But because it was the moment I had finally started to comprehend Emily's point.
I instinctively took my next look at the former red head and felt my heart cracking all over again. Emily's sobs had become quiet now, but the violent tremble was still present. Also, she was still curled up into a small ball, facing away from me.
Back then, when she had had nightmares about my screw-up with Sophia, I was too scared to do what I was about to do now. Thankfully, I wasn't quite that cowardly anymore.
Thanks to Dominic both beds were placed right besides each other, forming a double bed, which made it easy for me to move over. I felt her protest as I slung both my arms around the whole of her trembling frame, but it didn't stop me. She started wiggling immediately and also tried peeling my hands off of her, but I was still able to keep her in my arms, probably due to my strong determination.
When she scratched my hand just a little, which caused me to only tighten my grip further instead of loosen it like she had obviously hoped, Emily's sobs became louder whereas her protest subsided.
Finally.
I placed my head in the crook of her neck and placed a light peck there. "I love you.", I whispered in her ear, my voice still a little unsteady because of the past events. I closed my eyes while absently drawing small patterns on the shin she pressed to her chest fiercely, hoping to help calm her down at least a little bit.
"Leave me alone.", a small whimper reached me, "Please …", she begged.
Some pieces, where the glue hadn't dried yet, threatened to fall off my heart again. Though, I quickly wrapped my mind around it and held it together. There was no real reason to worry. After all, how could I ever blame her for saying this to me, when I was well aware of her reasons?
I understood. I knew. I comprehended her reaction.
And I realized so much more now.
Angie had been there to witness the start of it, but really, it had been my best mate who had helped me to get to this point …
.
He came back only thirty minutes after the incident.
Thirty minutes, in which I hadn't seen or heard from my girlfriend, who had almost literally collapsed in front of my eyes. Thirty minutes in which I had showered with Angie's help, cried my eyes out and had been released from the chemo. Thirty minutes to stress me out so much that I now felt more weary than I had in the entire last week altogether.
The dark haired man had made rather quiet steps towards my room, but since I was listening carefully to any noises at the moment, I heard him before he even reached the door. When he stepped into my view, he stopped in front of the flowers in the doorway. He picked them up from the ground, one by one, and ordered them lovingly so that they almost looked as if nothing ever happened to them.
Almost.
He turned to look at me and stretched his arm a little so that I would look at the flowers instead of his eyes. "These were for you.", he stated the obvious before he walked over to the trash can and dropped his traditional gift unceremoniously, "I didn't quite expect that kind of a welcome …", he said, his smile showing that he was attempting a joke.
He soon dropped it when he took a look into my face.
"They said she had quite a serious circulatory collapse." – he cut to the chase but paused a second nevertheless – "But she'll be fine. They'll give her an infusion and then bring her here. I made sure of that."
I nodded, quite thankful for his dedication. Just what would I have done without Dominic being part of my life? I'd probably still wonder what had happened to my girlfriend and whether or not I would ever see her again. And those were just the recent occasions. Maybe I wouldn't still be here, if it weren't for his friendship …
"Naomi?"
His tone made me wonder what was about to come next. Maybe he knew already, maybe he didn't. It took me a while, but then I looked at my best mate questioningly, allowing him to ask what he obviously wanted to know. He had earned a reply and I would be honest with him.
"Are you ok?", he asked the most common question in the whole wild world. It's what I thought, at least.
"It's my fault Dom.", I said without hesitation, answering the question he had really wanted to ask.
He seemed surprised, but didn't say anything, probably not to interrupt my train of thoughts. Just another thing I liked about him.
"I hurt her again, Dom.", I rushed, "I promised her once to never do it again– but I did– I did several times! It's horrible, it's … it's what I do, Dominic. I always end up hurting her …"
"Maybe." – he agreed without hesitation on his side now – "But you're also the one who can fix this, aren't you?!"
I was at a loss for words. He really knew me well by now.
"It's what I thought.", he added simply when I wouldn't reply, obviously knowing exactly what I was talking about and what was going on in my head. Maybe he had copied that skill off of Effy?
"How can I possibly survive this?", I asked honestly, "The chances are so very low, Dom. There is so little hope … How could that small light ever be enough?"
"I hear your Doc is pretty optimistic. So am I. And certainly Emily."
"She was.", I corrected. It brought a severe grimace to Dom's face. Something I had never seen before.
"Naomi?", he asked rhetorically, "Stop feeling fucking sorry for yourself and fight! I don't know her very well yet, but I like Emily. She's got something about her, something precious and beautiful, something rare … which I haven't seen in any other person before. So do yourself a favor and don't screw this up. Don't give up without a fight. She is so very much worth fighting for! And she's a damn good reason to keep living– Or would you really disagree with me on that matter?!"
Again, I was at a loss for words. Damn, what could I possibly reply to such a to-the-point monologue? He was so totally fucking right about everything. And I had been a damn idiot – again – for not seeing it myself – at least not all the way.
I sighted in relief, feeling as if a heavy weight was lifted from my heart. "Thanks Dom, you really are a wonderful friend.", I said truthfully. This time, I made him smile.
"Don't mention it. You really only needed someone to say out loud, what is already on your mind."
.
I shook my head, which was still pressed against Emily's neck, and pulled myself out of my memories with the action. "Never.", I whispered simply, finally replying to what she had asked me to do.
My response made her tremble more violent again. Also, her sobs grew into hysterical crying.
And me? I simply pressed her back closer to my chest. I hated to see and hear her cry. It shook me to the core and also made me feel depressive, knowing that most of the time I was acting as a catalyst – regardless of whether it was a good or a bad reason. Furthermore, I often felt powerless, when I wasn't able to calm her down. Especially now, when she had to in order to avoid suffering from another collapse.
"Shh.", I chanted, "I'm here."
I was quite surprised when that was all that was left needed: Before I knew, Emily would lengthen her legs, thereby loosen my grip on them, turn around swiftly and mirror me by wrapping her own limbs around me.
I was quite surprised about how fast depression could be replaced with contentment, too.
Author's note:
What do you think is about to happen next? I'd say we're 2/3 through the story.
Did you like the flashbacks?
Oh and another question: What do you guys think about my second favorite Skins OTP, which is LilyKat? I've been working on a story for them parallel to this one. Interested?