Disclaimer: Recognizable bits not mine. Thanks, SM!
A/N: I know I said I wouldn't be posting until the 26th, but I stayed up waaaaaay too late last night to get this done. So here is your Christmas present. I hope you like it! Merry Christmas!
Chapter 12
11 days. It's been 11 days since I emailed her last. And nothing. Not a word. The pups say that she still responds to their nightly goodnight texts. I know Jake has had a couple of brief conversations and I heard Charlie tell Billy just the other day about how hard she's studying, so I know they've talked. It's just me she's ignoring.
"What's got you all moody, Call?"
Great. Patrol with Leah. I'd forgotten she was on duty.
"Ah, troubles with the bird again?"
"Shut up, Leah."
"Tsk tsk, Embry. You forget that I have connections on her campus."
Damn. I had forgotten that.
"Is she doing okay?" I ask, sounding more worried than I mean to.
"Why wouldn't she be? And since when don't you know. Isn't she your penpal?"
"I just haven't heard from her in a while. I was kind of angry at her," I confess.
"You got angry? And took it out on Swan? Who are you and what have you done with the real Embry Call?"
I growl.
"Ha! I kid. Listen, Victor won't tell me anything, but I know that she's been upset. He said she's turned into a crazy woman and is always wanting to go running or hiking or join a new club or study group. He said something upset her last week and she won't let him talk about it and she won't sit still long enough to think about whatever it is because she either starts crying or gets angry. He said that Alex is about ready to tie her to a chair just so he can get a damn nap."
"I'll kill him!"
"Relax, you spaz! Geesh! He wouldn't do that. He calls her "Sissy" all the time. Once they realized her deal it was like he automatically decided she was the very pale baby sister he never had."
"Are you saying you wouldn't tie your little brother up so you could nap?"
"Of course I would! But he's a little brother and I'm me. It's not the same thing."
"What upset her?"
"How the hell should I know? I just told you that she won't let the guys talk about it. She didn't say anything to you?"
"No. Like I said. We haven't been talking. But last time she stopped emailing it was because of that party. You don't think-"
"No. She has the guys. She's safe. It must have been something else."
"Hey, guys!" Jake phases in.
"Jake, have you heard from Swan lately?" Leah asks.
"Not since our Saturday phone call last week. And it was pretty short. She said something about going to a belly dance class. We're supposed to talk again on Saturday morning. Why?"
A belly dance class? Where she dances all sexy and with her stomach showing? She won't even wear anything other than a one piece on the beach!
"Embry is freaking out a little."
"Shut up, Leah!"
"Sing a new tune, Call!" Leah drawls.
"Again with this? I thought you two were in touch every day! She's all you could think about after you got back from that trip!" Jake says accusingly.
"We were! But after we got back last week she said some things in an email and I didn't respond very nicely. I mean, it was all true, but I was harsh."
"You were mean to Bells?" he asks incredulously. "You're never mean."
"Look. That doesn't matter now. I just need to know if she's okay."
"I told you, Embry, according to the guys, she's fine!" Leah assures me.
"Go email or call her now and fix it, you ass." Jake growls at me. "You are the last person I thought I'd have to worry about hurting my Bells."
"She's not YOUR Bells!" I roar before phasing human and punching the nearest tree. Stupid Jacob Black who thinks he still owns her. Gets an imprint and gets to keep his beautiful best friend, too! La di da, isn't that just perfect for him?!
I march into the library, but it's just a few minutes until closing, and I don't know what to say. The librarian keeps reminding me how close to closing time it is. Finally I just type quickly:
Dear B,
Haven't heard from you for awhile. Is everything okay? You're probably really busy with classes. Please let me know you're still alive. (With anyone else that would be a joke. With you, it's literal.)
E
Bella POV
I gasp a little when I see that I have mail from Embry. My heart flutters in happiness until I remember his previous words. I hate that suddenly email from Embry doesn't mean safe and warm and happy to me right now.
I leave my laptop open but click on another tab to read over my paper due tomorrow. My professor is a stickler for proper editing, so I have to go over things several times to be sure I don't lose points stupidly.
I'm correcting an awkward sentence when I notice another email has come in. I click over and see I have something from- Leah? Leah Clearwater is emailing me? Are pigs flying? Has Hell frozen over? I click out of complete confusion more than anything else.
Swan,
This is Leah. Quit being a baby and write back to Embry already. He's all worried and mopey that you haven't written in 2 weeks. Victor and I have talked, so I know you're okay, otherwise Sam and Jake would have had us running back there. Jacob is all mad at Embry for being mean to you. I don't know what happened in detail, but I know Em feels really guilty about it. Can you please write to him so I don't have another patrol with his whiney butt? I like thoughtful, quiet Embry better. Not this. Geesh, Swan, you're like wolf Kryptonite. First Sam can't get you out of his head after finding you in the woods, then Jake was running the Bella Swan channel 24/7 in his head, and now Embry. You could probably sell Bella flavored chew toys and the pack would line up, cash in hand! Ha! I might actually pay to see that! I'd be happy to help you with that business venture. ;) We can sell them at the Obedience School you're going to open someday with my special neutering services, right?
Leah
Woah. He feels guilty? Jake shouldn't be mad at him. Embry didn't do anything wrong! He's allowed to have opinions! And he's allowed to express them! To me! Because we're friends. And that's what friends do!
And suddenly my own idiocy comes crashing down around me. That's what friends do. Will I ever get this right?
Dear Leah,
I've been really busy.
Okay, and yes, kind of avoiding Embry. I said something about imprinting that pissed him off big time. At least I think that's the part that made him mad. I know you hate it, so I'll forward it to you for context, and then you can decide if you want to help me with a chew toy business venture or just chew me out. I'll wait until I hear what you have to say about it before I get in touch with Em again.
B
Swan,
Holy Crow! You were totally trying to tell Embry you want him! He did not get that AT ALL! Boys are such idiots. If he had understood that's what you meant, that's all we would have been hearing about! You really are a hopeless romantic. You know that, right? The thing is, so is Embry. I don't want to say he's soft, because he gets the job done in wolf form, but he's like Seth. They're both too good for this life we've been dragged into. I hadn't really thought about how imprinting might look to you from the outside. It's kind of disgusting to have to be in the heads of the guys who've imprinted, but you're not wrong about them being all in. That said, it really does suck for the rest of us having to just sit around and do nothing but have one night stands (okay, that's not ALL bad. ;) ) while we see if the Gods will "bless" us with an imprint or not. I respect the guys for not wanting to hurt anyone else like me and you. They're still idiots, but I can give them a little credit for that. Talk to Embry. I'm not going to guess where he's at with all this, but I know he really cares about you, B. Don't shut him out.
Leah
Leah Clearwater is kind of awesome. If she weren't so terrifying I would want her for as a best girl friend, since Jake has the best friend category sewed up tight. She can cut through all my crap like nobody's business. I'm going to finish editing and then figure out what to say to Embry. Back to awkward sentences.
Leah,
Thanks for the advice. And yeah, that is what I was trying to say. He didn't see that, though, which makes me think that he didn't really want to see it. Please don't say anything to him. Or the other guys who can't keep their minds shut. It's probably not relevant anymore, anyway. If it ever was. I really miss him, though. Not him from the email he sent to respond to the one I showed you, but the Embry I've been getting to know all semester.
Anyway, speaking of boys, Victor lives in Leah-land now, you know. That cool, swaggery wolf I once knew has been reduced to a "how many more hours until the next time I get to Skype with Leah Clearwater". You own him. Don't tell him I told you.
Ha. You are my new secret keeper, apparently. ;)
Thanks,
Bella
And an hour later after I've edited my paper as much as I possibly can (okay, yes, I'm avoiding still), I try to be a friend to Embry. A better kind of friend anyway. With sentences that are a different kind of awkward.
E,
Long time no type, huh? I'm sorry I stopped writing. I was really embarrassed at making you upset and then I was mad at you for not instantly understanding my intent and then I was mad at myself for being mad at you for not being a mind-reader and then I would be mad at Victor or Alex because they would come running when they heard me being angry or upset about all of it and I didn't want to talk about it.
Anyway, I suck as a friend. And I'm sorry. I never should have brought it up and I'm sorry I disappeared once you got mad at me. I don't like you being mad at me, Embry. It really hurts.
Please consider this email my olive branch. But if you don't want to take said branch, I understand.
B
Embry POV
I check my email again before school starts. Just in case. I'm not sleeping well anyway, so getting here early is no hardship. Thank goodness the school library is open early. SHE WROTE BACK!
I don't open it immediately because what if it says something I don't want to hear, like "Go away and leave me alone, you psycho!" Please don't let it be that.
I close my eyes and look for some calm, and then click.
She was just freaking out like Bella does, but it wasn't just her running away from confrontation. I hurt her. My wolf whines pitifully. We failed her. Our job is to protect, not to hurt.
I'm grabbing this olive branch with both hands!
I will keep things light and friendly until she's comfortable with me again. I won't mourn how open she was to me before. I feel like she's a little afraid of me now and closed back up.
Okay, I can do light and friendly.
Dear Bella,
You don't suck as a friend. I will henceforth pledge to not type mad. I missed your emails so much. They make coming to the library to study a lot more worth it. I miss you even more than your emails.
Speaking of studying, I have a test tomorrow on poetry. There is some poetry that I really like, but that's not the stuff they're testing me on. Whatever. I'll do fine. I know all the stuff, it just seems wrong to test someone on poetry. Isn't the whole point of a poem to sit and slowly chew and ponder and examine the huge ideas which are expressed in the fewest possible words? Oh, well. Maybe I should start composing poems in my head while I patrol. I can just imagine how much Quil would really love that! Hah! Pretty sure the only poems he knows have words which rhyme nicely with "Nantucket" and "bucket". ;)
What should my first poem on patrol be about?
E
Bella POV
I release a breath I didn't know I'd been holding. And try not to cry. He misses me, too! I hope this means he's forgiven me. Alex hands me a tissue and when I look at him in question, he indicates that I have tears on my face.
I didn't realize how much the potential loss of Embry's friendship was weighing on me. So, I'm still not the most independent woman. But I didn't curl up and waste away this time! I kept moving and going and involving myself in the lives of others. I functioned. Still maybe not facing things, but I wasn't wallowing either. I'm going to take it as a mental health win.
I'm also going to proceed with caution. Embry's reaction was so unexpected to me. Maybe I don't know him as well as I thought I did. He's not as emotionally safe as I thought he was. I was fooling myself that we were closer than we were. I should be glad. It means he has clearer definitions of what we are, which means he won't get hurt when he imprints. I'm trying to be glad about that.
I will keep things light and friendly. Just as if he were any other of my beloved wolves. I can do that. Just think of him as one of the pack.
Dear E,
You could do an acrostic poem using the name of whomever you're patrolling with! Here's one to start you off:
J-Jolly
A- Always sunny
C- Crabby, when hungry
O - Overgrown lapdog
B- Bella's bff, but belongs to Katie in every other way
Your turn!
B
Damn. She really is gun shy. That's the least Bella email ever. She doesn't trust me anymore. At least she's communicating, though. I can work with that.
Dear B,
S- Softie, but don't tell
A- Alpha, for now
M- Macho, unless Emily's around
Pretty sure that one would get me beat up by the subject himself.
Your turn!
E
I smile at Embry's message. I can do this. Just two friends being a little silly. No deep emotional connection.
Dear E,
P- Penis, thinks with it more than his brain
A- Angry
U- Uncharacteristically thoughtful when he wants to be
L- Laments knowing Leech Lovers
Your turn,
B
Okay, good. She's still communicating.
Dear B,
For the record, I don't think Paul laments knowing you. You just confuse him. You are nice to him, but aren't afraid to put him in his place when he needs it. He's not used to keeping company with girls like that.
L- Lovely
E- Enjoyable to patrol with
A- Angry, but less so lately
H- Hella smart
(This one is a little on the kiss up so she doesn't kill me when I think of her poem. It has to be nice or she'll take a bite out of me!)
Your turn,
E
I confuse Paul? Hm. I guess my kill'em with kindness campaign has been working with him.
Dear E,
Is "keeping company" what we're calling it now? ;)
Q- Quiet and shy. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
U- Useless in the kitchen
I- Imprinted to Claire
L- Large Loping Lupine
For the love of all that's holy, come up with something besides large or he won't think about himself as anything else! Oh, you could use that "Lady's man of La Push, formerly".
Your turn,
B
She sent me cookies. Included with them was a note that almost broke my heart. Again. Not because of what she said, but because of how much less warmth was in this note than the note she sent with my birthday cookies. We're still broken.
E-
Here are some apology cookies for you. Hope you enjoy them.
B
I have to reach out a little more. I'm not doing this light and friendly thing very well. I made such a mess of things between us. I feel like she must have been trying to tell me something in that email, but I don't know what it was. Leah keeps telling me to reread it for some reason. Why does she know anything about it?I don't feel like Bella is ready for me to talk to her about it either. I wish I could undo that whole day.
Dear B,
I got your apology cookies today. You really didn't need to do that. No hard feelings, I promise. I'm just happy we're in touch again. Although, if guilt is what keeps the cookies coming….I'm still super mad at you. ;)
B- Baker of the best cookies ever
E- Embry's favorite email writer
L- Lovely
L- Loved by many
A- Awesome at baking and school and writing and languages and back scratches and tackling and training puppies and taking care of everyone and so much more.
You're the best!
E
Does he mean those things? That I'm his favorite….well, I suppose there aren't that many people emailing him, so that's probably not a hard contest. Does he think I'm lovely? The thought makes me smile. Even if he doesn't care for me in that way-which of course he shouldn't- it's still nice to know that someone whose opinion you trust finds you lovely.
And just like that, I feel this wave of warmth come over me. I turn away from my laptop, walk over to my dresser, and pull out his shirt and the pillow case. I kept them in a plastic bag, so the shirt still smells faintly of him. I put it on over my clothes and just like that remember how it felt to have him here. And there is that shivery wave of warmth again. I hug my arms around myself but this time not because I need to hold myself together, but because I love the way his arms make my body feel.
Damn it.
I'm in love with Embry Call.
I just don't know what to do about it.
But I do know that I'm done being in this weird limbo with him. I liked it better when I felt like I could write myself to him.
I'm not going to profess my undying love- yet, but I'm going to forget our misunderstanding. It's holding back our friendship and I don't like it. Is all the weirdness on my end? Probably. What if I just stop being scared of him again? If I go forward pretending that he never hurt my feelings in the first place? We should probably really hash out the whole thing, but I just don't feel like we can do that in email. So, I will go back to thinking of Embry as the Embry of before. The Embry I trusted with my heart even though he didn't know it. Here goes nuthin'!
Dear E,
I'm not above using cookies to gain favor. Sometimes a little bribery is exactly what is called for in a given situation. ;)
And your poem of my name was very sweet. I got a little misty eyed reading it. Wish you guys were all closer, Embry. I really do. I really wish you could be here. I'm wearing your shirt again. I didn't for a while. It felt wrong to while you were mad at me. But I wanted to wear it again before you totally disappear from ever being here. We should have taken pictures.
Anyway, here is your poem:
E- Emailer extraordinaire!
M- Momma's little monkey (No, I don't plan on ever letting you forget that I heard your Mom that day.)
B- Beautiful Boy
R- Reader of books, writer of poems, and dreamer of dreams
Y- Yappy, but we're trying to use a squirt bottle to train him better ;) Just one additional service offered at Bella's Obedience School for Wolves!
Your turn,
B
She thinks I'm beautiful? Is that like handsome? Hot? She told Jake once that he was only "sort of beautiful". Heh. She thinks I look better than Jake! Even my wolf is enjoying getting one over on the future Alpha. It turns out my wolf and I can be real jerks sometimes. Some friend I am. But she likes my scent, too. This email felt almost back to our old pre-fight emails. Are we there finally? Maybe she's letting me in a little again…
Dear B,
Not cool, girl. Not cool bringing up the monkey thing again. Mothers can be so embarrassing. If the cat-lady thing doesn't work out for you and you do end up with sons please promise me that you won't embarrass their hulking, surly, teenage selves in front of their equally hulking, surly, teenage friends...and the supposedly sweet, innocent, little girls who might be with them. I say supposedly, because no ACTUAL sweet and innocent girl would hold a nickname from his Momma over a friend's head!
Bella Swan, original mean girl. ;)
Let's see. Who haven't we gotten yet?
S- So darn sweet
E- Entirely too happy first thing in the morning
T- Teen Wolf fan (for real! Isn't that hilarious?)
H- Harry's son
I have to keep Seth's mostly benign, too, so Leah doesn't kill me. Fear of Leah seems to influence a lot of my literary choices, doesn't it?
Your Favorite Poet,
E
His email makes me laugh! Original mean girl, indeed!
"Why are you wearing that secret little smile, Little Sister?" Alex asks as we sit in the library.
I didn't realize I was. "Um, just thinking about something Embry said in his last email."
"I'm glad you two are friends again. You were running us ragged while you were trying not to think about him."
"You have supernatural energy. Don't be ridiculous," I snap.
"Bella, you were like a possessed creature. I've never seen anyone with that much frenetic energy. It was like you were trying to beat your subconscious into submission by your perpetual motion. I was about ready to get Victor to ask Leah to come down here just so he and I could get a damn nap! It was either her take over or tie you to a chair next to the bed so I'd at least know where you were. But then I'd have had to gag you so you'd be quiet long enough for me to sleep. And after awhile it looks a little too much like kidnapping and people talk."
I burst into laughter at this image. "Oh, Alex, I'm so sorry! I didn't realize how inconsiderate I was being. I just can't get this right."
"You can't get what right?" he asks.
"Being a considerate friend. I'm not very good at it. I try, but I feel like I always take much more than I give."
Alex looks at my stricken expression and pulls me into a hug. "Bella, you try. That's enough. You're always trying to make yourself better, but you don't seem to notice we like who you are already."
"But I'm selfish!"
"Yes. But we all are to some degree. You are aware of it and you're working on it. That's enough. You know that poet you like? Billy Collins?"
"Yes. Did you actually read the book of is I lent you?" I ask him, excitedly.
"Some. But then I found a few recordings of him on youtube reading his poems. I liked that better. Anyway, you know the one called "Lanyard"?"
I nod enthusiastically.
"Everyone starts out like that kid. His mother gives him everything in the world. Life, and love, and a home, food, clothing, and he gives her a lanyard pretty sure that makes them even."
"So, I'm like the little kid?" I ask, not really liking that idea.
"No. Most of us are like that little kid in the beginning. Eventually, we become the mother. There's a lot of room in between to grow from one to the other. You're doing fine."
Huh. I hadn't thought about it like that.
I hug Alex again. "Big Brother, sometimes you are very wise. Thanks for all you do for me."
He squeezes me.
I hop off. "Now, let me take you and Victor to the movies tonight. There's a showing of the Princess Bride and I'm buying the popcorn!"
"And drinks?" Alex checks.
"And drinks. AND candy. I need to make sure my bodyguards don't waste away."
"I'll text Victor. What time?"
"It starts at 8. Let me finish up here and we can drop our books back to our rooms and go from there. And before you ask, yes, we can get pizza on the way there."
"Victor demands burgers, not pizza."
"Fine. Burgers. Tell him he's a pricey date and that if he weren't trying so hard to keep me alive, I'd be mad he wasn't even going to put out."
"I am not telling him that."
I giggle at the mortified look on his face.
"You know I'm kidding. Besides he belongs to Leah. Like I would ever go there. She'd actually kill me."
"And you belong to Embry."
My smile drops from my face. "Except I don't," I reply quietly. But my heart does. Even if Embry doesn't know it.
A/N You can read or listen to the poem they reference. Just type 'Billy Collins The Lanyard" into youtube and you can hear him read it.