Author's Note: I find myself suddenly inspired to finish this, so I hope to update much more often than every three months. Thank you for reading, and hang in there, I'd say we're maybe a little over half-way through this journey!
Robin couldn't count the minutes that she stared at the crumbled leaf. She didn't wipe away her tears and she didn't care. She hadn't imagined Patrick would be so cold and heartless. She thought he might be angry and resist involvement, but she hoped down in her heart, where her most secret desires lay locked up tight, that he would be happy; that he would welcome this new life; this miracle.
Even with HIV, Robin was determined to give birth to a healthy child. Her appointments with her doctors had given her hope-since her viral load was so low (undetectable), and she had started the prenatal antiviral meds immediately, she had roughly a 99 chance of having a healthy baby. That was good enough for Robin. All she wanted was the chance to explain this to Patrick. But should she have to convince him?
"No," Robin whispered as her tears subsided.
As if to agree, Robin felt a slight flutter in her tummy; the baby. She smiled sadly.
"I'm happy, even if your father isn't," Robin cooed as she placed her hands on her stomach.
Robin returned to the hospital just long enough to cancel her afternoon appointments. Gathering her things, she left, taking the long way out in case she might run into Patrick.
Earlier she had lied about having dinner with Mac and Felicia; but now that the secret was out, she had to tell her uncle; and her parents.
Robin deflated inside. She didn't want to face her uncle, let alone her father who had barely been around as she grew up. It would be like confessing to a complete stranger and then allowing the stranger to give her their opinion and being expected to listen to it.
"One family at a time," she said to herself as she guided her car out of the hospital parking garage.
It was 2:30 in the afternoon when Robin pulled up outside Mac and Felicia's house. The same house Robin had snuck out of when she dated Stone; the same house that finally, before his death, he had been welcomed into. Robin wasn't sure what brought up those particular thoughts, but they reminded her not only that her uncle was accepting, but that he would admit when he was wrong.
Felicia opened the door, welcoming her in. Robin had called on her way over and Felicia happily made dinner plans for them all. She even managed to get Georgie and Maxie to make other plans themselves. Robin had stressed it was important. She hoped she hadn't worried Felicia.
"Robin, is everything okay?" Felicia asked warmly and with concern as she guided Robin into the house.
Robin, who always thought herself strong emotionally, broke down and between sobs relayed the entire story to Felicia, from the unprotected sex in Paris, to the failed picnic lunch today.
Somehow they ended up on the sofa, and Felicia listened quietly. When Robin finished, there was silence, broken only by the dry hiccups of Robin.
"Pregnant," Felicia repeated, as if she didn't understand the meaning of the word.
Robin nodded and Felicia smiled warmly. Robin, who hadn't been sure what to expect, smiled back cautiously.
"This is happy news," Felicia insisted and Robin felt so glad to have someone else feeling joy over the situation. "It's a little off-schedule, and-," Felicia paused as worry crossed her face, "is it safe, healthwise? I mean, for the baby?"
Robin knew what Felicia was asking. Nodding, Robin explained what the doctors had told her about taking another medication to prevent maternal transmission of the virus. Felicia's expression relaxed as Robin spoke, and soon they were making plans for a nursery, and talking about baby things.
Felicia avoided the subject of Patrick, which relieved Robin. She knew Mac, as well as her mother and father, could rally against Patrick without Felicia's input. Plus, she didn't want those negative feelings inside her. She'd rather feel the joy of being a mother than the pain of being a single-mother.
The two women were still talking and planning when Mac got home from the police station.
Mac, always happy to see Robin, was full of questions but Felicia deftly diverted them until after dinner. As she cleared the table of their plates she nudged Robin.
"It's now or never," she smiled at Robin.
Robin stared at her uncle who watched their exchange with a look of confusion. As Felicia carted the dishes to the kitchen and didn't reappear, Robin steadied herself.
"Uncle Mac," she breathed, deciding that like removing a band aid, a quick admission was better than dragging it out.
"I'm pregnant," she blurted. With a sense of bravery she didn't know she had, she kept her eyes on her uncle as he almost choked on his coffee.
"What!" he exclaimed, his look of complete incredulity not lost on Robin.
So Robin started from the beginning, only to aware of how uncomfortable it was discussing her sex life with her uncle, relayed the story once again for his benefit.
Mac sat in stony silence, his expression unchanging as Robin relayed her tale. The only change she saw in him was his face, growing redder with each passing moment. As Robin ended with the day's events and Patrick's reaction, Mac stood quickly from the table and began pacing the room.
"If he thinks he can duck responsibility-," Mac laughed, a little maniacally in Robin's estimation.
"Uncle Mac. Please, don't say anything to him. After all, I did kind of spring this on him, unsuspectingly. It's kind of my fault," Robin stood also, glancing as Felicia came out from the kitchen, concern on her face.
"Your fault?!?!" Mac looked positively bursting with anger, madness, hysteria, and every other extreme emotion. "Not likely!"
There was silence as Mac paced.
"You know then?" Mac asked her, and Felicia nodded.
"Please. Let me handle this. I just needed to tell you myself. Before you found out from anyone else," Robin pleaded.
Something in her tone must have gotten through to Mac because almost instantly he was at her side, holding her, promising her help and a place to live and anything else she might need.
"We're here for you Robin," Mac said as he held her tight. Robin, who loved her Uncle almost more than her own father, reached around him and let silent tears fall from her eyes.
Not long after, Robin left Mac and Felicia's having made promises to tell her mother and father immediately. Robin dreaded the thought. She figured her mother she could handle, but her father…
She was still so angry and unforgiving about his past behavior and his absence from her life…how could she tell him? He didn't even know her, and he had no rights to comment and judge her life.
Robin pushed the thoughts away-not liking the negative feelings that coursed through her body at the thought of him.
"Mom first," Robin spoke softly as she maneuvered her car into her apartment parking garage.
Robin called the only number she had for her mother. Anna had told her, day or night, to call when needed. She didn't promise she'd answer, but she'd at least know to call back.
So Robin dialed the cell phone, immediately being sent to voicemail.
"Dammit," Robin cursed as the recorded message played out.
"Mom," Robin spoke into the phone, "call me as soon as you can. I need to talk to you, it's important."
This wasn't news she could tell over a voicemail. That would be cruel, and her mother deserved more than that. Her father on the other hand…
"He can wait until tomorrow," Robin sighed as she dressed for bed. She was tired. Tired emotionally, tired physically, and tired mentally. She refused to shed more tears over her situation. If Patrick can't accept this, and be with me then it's his loss. I have more than myself to think of now…
And with thoughts of her baby Robin drifted to sleep.
The following day was Saturday, and Robin was not on schedule to work. She took advantage of the day off and slept until 10am, but awaking with nothing but thoughts of calling her dad on her mind.
Taking a long walk around her block, Robin tried to formulate how she would handle this with her father. She wished that her parents positions were reversed. That she could tell her father by phone and her mother in person. That's what she needed. But not what I'm going to get, so deal with it.
Robin sat on a bench outside her building, her cell phone in her hands.
"As Felicia said last night, it's now or never," Robin said to herself as she dialed her dad's cell phone.
He answered on the second ring with his trademark, "Hello, sweetheart."
There was nothing trademark in his responses after that. He listened in silence as Robin, throwing her plan out the window, simply relayed her situation. The silence was thick with tension and Robin knew he was holding back for her sake.
"Please, dad, don't go to Patrick. Don't say anything to him. It's been a long couple of months and we've both been through the emotional wringer. Let him be, at least for now. Will you promise me?"
"Robin," Robert breathed into the phone. His voice was heavy and Robin felt the disappointment, though it was unstated. "I'll do whatever you want, sweetheart."
"Thank you," there was a pause and Robin remembered something she'd promised her mother, "Oh, and by the way, mom has the jewels that Holly stole. She's had them since we left the island," Robin relayed, those moments with her mother in Paris seeming almost like another time.
"I know, dear. She called me the day after you told her of my plan. She gave me right-deserved tongue lashing," Robert said lightly, though his laugh sounded forced. Another uncomfortable pause followed and Robin suddenly wanted off the phone as soon as possible.
"Well, thanks for listening and thank you for not, well, freaking out," Robin breathed a sigh of relief. She doubted he was as calm inside as he was projecting to her, but she appreciated the effort he was taking to keep the stress off her.
"Sweetheart-take care, and call me anytime if you need something; anything! Maybe we can have dinner one night this coming week?" Robert asked, a hopeful note in his voice.
"Maybe, dad. Maybe," Robin responded.
Robin felt ready for another nap after the call to her father, and she retreated to her apartment. Though lonely at times, Robin loved her apartment and was lucky to have found it. She had a corner unit, which afforded her two walls of windows and views of both the harbor and the downtown area. At night, the views from her 14th floor apartment were comparable to some of the nicest rooms at the Metrocourt. It was pure luck that she secured the lease. The previous tenant had moved out only two days before and if Robin had been 5 minutes later to her viewing of the place, she would have lost it.
Today, however, she was restless. She felt claustrophobic in her large, airy, sunlit space. Escape was necessary and Robin was about to take off for a drive when there was a knock on her door.
Debating whether it was her father, her uncle or (hopefully) Patrick, Robin answered. She was surprised to see none of them, but Jason standing at her door.
Alexis had contacted him about Sam. She was desperate, and she wanted him to go see Sam, to explain about everything that had happened with Manny, with Sonny and Emily and Jason, with Alexis, and most of all with Jason and Sam themselves. He wasn't sure if that was the right thing to do, and if it would put Sam further behind her recovery.
"Jason, you love her! Go to her, tell her, and take advantage of this time Alexis has given you! Once Sam is released, Alexis won't have this power anymore and you can be together. I know you're scared you'll hurt her again, but Jason…she loves you just as much, if not more, than you love her," Robin felt good to have another situation to take her attention. And a situation that involved people she truly cared about.
Jason sat stony-faced next to Robin. He heard her, that much she could tell. But she also knew that everyday Jason fought an inner-battle; scared that his chosen profession would kill someone he loved. Now he was faced with consequences of a situation he was partly to blame for. And his lover had almost lost her life. He wasn't sure he could risk it again. Robin knew it was a battle only he could win with himself, but she would do what she could to help him make the right choice.
"I can't stand to see her like that. It's my fault, and if I brought more harm to her it would kill me, Robin," Jason looked at Robin.
"I know. But if you do nothing, it will break her heart. And maybe that's more harmful than physical wounds which will heal," Robin offered, seeing some resignation in his eyes. She was hopeful-he looked to be on the verge of making the choice, the choice to see Sam.
"I know but-," Jason started to counter when a knock at the door interrupted.
Robin smiled apologetically as she moved to the door. Unprepared and distracted because of Jason's visit, opening the door to Patrick's face was like being thrust into the ice cold waters of a frozen lake. Robin's smile faded as a buzzing filled her ears. Patrick stood expressionless, and they stared at each other for what felt to Robin like eternity.
"Hi," Robin finally managed to speak, the buzzing in her ears subsiding.
Patrick opened his mouth to speak but movement behind Robin must have caught his eye because he snapped his mouth shut. Robin felt dread within her. Patrick knew of her past with Jason. No doubt he thought she had run to him with her problems.
Robin didn't move as she heard Jason come up behind her.
"I'll see you later," he said to her, ignoring Patrick. Robin just nodded and watched the leather-clad, 2nd love-of-her life, retreat to the elevators.
"Wasting no time," Patrick smiled bitterly.
"Excuse me? You have no room to accuse me of anything," Robin said back, angry at his ridiculous presumption.
Patrick just shook his head and stared at the floor. When he looked up there was a trace of sadness in his expression. He held out an envelope to Robin.
"I thought you'd want to know," Patrick said softly.
Was there a hint of regret in his tone?
Robin took the envelope.
"I'm sorry," Patrick choked. "Sorry I can't be the kind of man you deserve," his face betrayed something, but it was gone so fast Robin couldn't figure out what that brief look might have meant.
"Sorry," he mumbled again, then turned on his heel and hurried down the hall to the elevators.
Robin simply watched him go, confused by his statement.
Was he referring to the baby?
Robin slowly closed the door, than realized she still held the envelope he had given her. With some trepidation she opened the flap and pulled out the contents.
With a burst of joy, Robin felt the first true smile in weeks cross her face. It was Patrick's first HIV test results; and they were negative.