Chapter 12: We'll Be Right Back After A Word From Our Sponsors

We interrupt this story to bring you a very important announcement! Are you plagued with constant back pains? Are you angry about people shooting at you all the time? Are you constantly needing to dig graves for your fallen comrades in the war? Well, these will be troubles for you no more, for we have got a single perfect solution for every problem!

Introducing… the Sooper Shovel!™ The Sooper Shovel™ is the world's greatest multipurpose shovel. Not only can you use it to dig graves with the latest in cutting-edge grave-digging efficiency, you can also adjust the sharpness of the edges, allowing you to make it more gentle for some comforting back scratching, or making it sharper to allow you to cleanly cut through your worst enemies in a single blow!

With today's incredible deal, the Sooper Shovel™ can be yours for only four easy payments of $49.99! Buy one in the next four minutes, and you'll get a second Sooper Shovel™ for free! (Just pay separate shipping and handling.) You can keep the second one for yourself for double the grave digging, double the back scratching, double the enemy killing, and double the fun! Or you can give it to someone else to share the love. It's the perfect gift for that special someone in your life!

But wait! There's more!

If you buy the Sooper Shovel™ right now, you'll also get our Sooper Sooper Shovel™. This futuristic shovel technology is not at all like the previous product we were offering you, because unlike the Sooper Shovel™, the Sooper Sooper Shovel™ costs $59.99 instead. The Sooper Sooper Shovel™ also has a handle that is a few inches longer than the Sooper Shovel™, and it has a tracking device implanted into the blade. This is a genuinely useful feature that totally can't be hacked or used by mafia leaders to find and kill you in your sleep or anything like that. No, not at all. It's absolutely fine.

So that's the deal. There are only two minutes left on this deal, so act now! Call 1-555-632-9792. Again, that's 1-555-632-9792. That's not the password to my luggage or anything. That's really the number you need to call. Would I joke about something like that? No, of course not. 1-555-632-9792. Call the number already. Thanks.

Or visit our website at ! You can do that instead of the phone number, because that's probably a million times easier to remember. Yeah, forget the number. Just do that instead. It's much easier to steal your credit card number by having you send the information over an unecrypted web connection than trying to get you to say it out loud while we hold a tape recorder over the receiver of our phone. Yeah, the website. Go there. Please.

And… cut!

That was completely horrible! Why did you reveal all of the scams we were going to pull on the customer? I mean, I know you're an honest businessman, but you cannot tell people how you are going to not be honest with them?! That is being too honest! You got that?

Is this thing still rolling?

What do you mean, this is live?

Aaaah! It recorded everything! We're going to lose so much business! Er, I mean—sorry about that. That man was lying about everything! None of it's true! We are all very, very honest men, and we would never do anything to scam you.

Turn it off turn it off turn it off turn it o—

A/N - I don't know what this was. I was tired and had a lack of motivation to write a proper next chapter. So consider this an "interlude".

What's the joke? Day of Defeat. When you use the shovel, it seems like you're scratching your back. I had a dream about it, and that's how this shitpost happened.

I would say April Fools, but it's May now. This is my really late prank.

I'll put a real chapter up next time, I swear.