Inferiority

Chapter 12

Paul was actually planning on driving back to Seattle. And that's like, a 15 or so hour drive. Somehow, I convinced him to take a plane.

He's leaving his car at his grandfather's place, for when he comes back.

Who knows how long that will be.

I saw him off at the airport. My mom wanted to come with me, to keep me company. But...I refused. I needed to do this by myself. I didn't want anyone I knew to see me cry when he left.

I hugged Paul as hard as I could. I didn't want him to leave. Not now, not ever.

It was only when he said my name that I came to and pulled away from him. He laughed lightly and assured me he'd call me every chance he got.

And then he kissed me, really hard. It was filled with even more passion than the ones he gave me last night, if that was even possible.

When we pulled away for air, he said softly, "I love you, Suze. Don't ever forget that."

I smiled weakly and said, "How could I?" to which he just kissed me again.

Well, at least until a voice over the loudspeaker announced the boarding of his flight.

I hugged him again, and kissed him.

He pulled away sadly. "I'll be back. I swear I will."

"I know," I said, the tears now welling up in my eyes. "I know you will."

He gave me one last peck on the lips and walked away.

Out of my life.

- § -

But not completely.

He called me every night. Well, some nights he didn't call. He said that he had to go with his parents to some dinner things and by the time he got back it was too late to call. I told him that it was never too late to call. I would certainly be up.

And then he asked, "You've been sleeping, haven't you?"

Guiltily, I replied, "Um...yeah. Just not as much as I hoped."

He sighed heavily on the other end. "Look..." he said. "When I get a chance—when I am completely alone and I'm sure of it—I'll shift over there. I've never actually done it before—I mean, with this much of a distance between us—but once shouldn't hurt."

"Paul...no. I don't want you doing that, okay? Look, I'll try and get more sleep. Its just that whenever I'm about to sleep I start thinking and then I can't stop..."

"I know. It happens to me, too."

I sighed. "Have you got any idea when you're coming home, yet?"

Then he sighed. "No. When I asked my parents they just looked at me and didn't say anything."

"Oh."

"I know," he murmured. "But I'll think of something. I mean, as soon as Gramps gets out of this coma, he'll wanna go back to Carmel. He hates hospitals."

I suppressed a laugh. "That's something we have in common."

I could practically sense his smile over the phone, however small it must have been. "Look," he said and sighed. "I have to go. But I'll call you later. Or tomorrow morning."

"Alright."

He hesitated. "Right. Well, bye, then."

"Bye. And...I love you."

"I love you, too, Suze."

And that was the end of that conversation. But...well, at least he loves me. I mean, we both love each other, and that's what makes us strong. I can make it through this. I know he will come back.

I sighed and leaned back in my bed. I was having a sudden feeling of deja-vu. This is the exact same thing that happened with Jesse. We loved each other, then we made love, and then...he left.

And never came back.

I could feel the tears now dripping down my cheeks. I didn't want to think about it. But...I couldn't help it.

What if he didn't come back? What if he suddenly found another girl in Seattle and wanted nothing to do with me anymore? What if—

No. I'm NOT going to do this. Paul loves me. He said he did. He said he would come back no matter what. And...I believe him. I believe that he'll come back.

I think.

No. I DO.

Do I?

I mean, even if I don't believe him—which I'm not saying is the case here—that doesn't mean I don't trust him. So, I...trust that he'll come back.

Does that even make any sense?

Ugh. This really sucks.

I mean, what kind of girlfriend am I if I don't even believe the man I love? I have to! It's just...it should be an instinct.

But the fact is, its happened to me before, and I really wouldn't be surprised if it happened again.

Faith.

That's exactly what I need to have. I need to have faith in my boyfriend, in my life, my whole entire existence. Because that's what its all about, isn't it? Oh, God. I'm starting to sound like Father Dominic.

I need to really get over myself. Paul is coming back. He promised me. And, frankly, that's all I've got right now. A promise.

- § -

Wow. Two weeks until graduation. TWO WEEKS. In just two weeks, I will be a high school graduate. In two weeks I'll be out of this hell-hole (no offense to Father Dom or anything).

In two weeks I'm going to fly out and see Paul in Seattle.

Okay, it's a little spontaneous on my part. I mean, my mom knows and everything, but that's it. No one else knows, not even Paul.

I thought about telling Paul, but he would just keep saying how he could shift over here and see me. But I didn't want him doing that, no matter how many times he's done it before.

But yeah, two weeks until I can see him, hear him, touch him...

Oh, God. I wanna go right now.

But I can't. Instead, I'm stuck here studying for finals, and doing all of the other end-of-the-year crap that we usually have to do.

This really sucks. I haven't seen Paul in a month now. I've talked to him practically every night, but its just not the same. I really, really miss him.

And...well, I'm kinda horny.

But we can just forget that little fact right there.

"Suze? Hey, Suze, come on."

I looked up in a daze. Who was talking to me?

Oh, it was just CeeCee. We were headed to the Clutch, since school had just let out for the day. It was just me and her, no Adam. They...well, they never really made up. CeeCee was now dating that Tom guy, who I wasn't really fond of. I knew she still wanted Adam, but it was too late now. I was just hoping that someday they'd realize that they had both been stupid and they would end up together. But now...well, that seemed a little far away.

But anyway, the Clutch was pretty full when we went in. It was almost the end of the year, so it was pretty understandable. But, it was very annoying, having to wait like that for a stupid cappuccino.

As we sat down at our table, I noticed CeeCee look at me with a nervous look on her face.

"What is it, Cee?" I asked patiently.

She looked down in her cappuccino. "I..." she trailed off. "I was just wondering...if you've talked to Adam lately." Then she looked up cautiously.

I stared at her. Then I shook my head. "I've tried, but he's been ignoring me too."

She nodded. "I...I made the biggest mistake of my life, Suze. I should have pushed him...or done something, you know? Now the guy I love hates me and I'm dating a guy who I don't even like anymore."

I looked at her sympathetically. "'If you love something let it go. If it was meant to be, it'll come back to you.'"

"Do you really believe that?" she asked. Well, more like whispered.

I shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. I mean, if Adam really does love you, he'll come back. I'm sure he just needs some time."

She nodded. "Maybe...but don't you think he's had enough time? Its been over two months, Suze, and he hasn't so much as looked at me."

As much as I wanted to be of some help to my best friend, I could not. "I...I don't know, Cee. But like I said, if you guys were meant to be, he'll come back to you eventually."

She nodded. "You think I should break up with Tom?"

"If you think that's a necessary step, then yes."

A little while later we ended up leaving. We decided to go to the beach and just hang out for a while before we had to go home. Its not like either of us would be doing anything anyway.

But just as we sat down in the sand, gazing out at the water, I felt a presence. I almost thought it was a ghost, but then I looked behind us and saw that it was not a ghost. This person was alive. And looked like he hadn't gotten a good night's sleep in a while.

He saw me looking at him and gave me a weak smile. I turned back around and looked at CeeCee, who was still gazing out at the water.

Adam came up and sat next to CeeCee in the sand. To say she looked surprised would be the understatement of the century.

"A-Adam? What...what are you doing here?" she asked incredulously.

He attempted a smile, but failed. "I need to talk to you."

I got up and started walking away, to give them some privacy. I looked back at CeeCee and saw that she was looking at me. I winked at her and smiled, then started strolling down along the shore.

Hopefully all would go well with them.