( this was done at the request of a reader so i hope I did what you wanted let me know! Also the song is Epic (Part2) by anias mitchell and Justin Vernon and I've always thought it was perfect for bellarke so now its in there)

Leaves and brush crunched under excited feet and Bellamy had to forcefully bring his shoulders down in order to stop flinching at the sounds. Clarke noticed, as his head swung around them, looking for enemies in the trees, and squeezed his hand.

"It's okay Bell. These woods are our territory, there's no one else out here. Just us. We're safe."

The boy nodded and breathed, as his shoulders dropped away from their hiked position at his ears.

"We're safe. Sorry, I'm trying, it's just hard."

Clarke nodded and stepped carefully over a log. "You don't have to apologize; I know you're doing your best. You've actually done really great today. You're talking, you had breakfast, and now we're going for a walk to the river. This is a big step and it's okay to be nervous."

Bellamy nodded, his head low. Dr Chambers had said that it was important to celebrate small victories, because even small things can take a lot of effort. Raven had said the same thing.

"Not everyone gets excited when they go up the stairs but if I can walk up some steps without my leg throwing a hissy fit and giving up, then that's a victory and I will celebrate my ass off. But no dancing cause my leg is still gonna be an asshole about that."

Bellamy smiled at the memory and raised his eyes to watch the mechanic step through the foliage, Jasper and Monty chatting at her side. Miller and Bryan were behind Bellamy and Clarke, talking quietly among the foliage. Octavia was winding her way through the trees a little ways ahead of everyone, leading them to the river. She was quiet though and Bellamy knew that the trees reminded her of Lincoln.

He reached a hand towards the trunk of a tree, pressing his palm to the bark and sending a quiet apology to the long dead grounder. I'm sorry. We miss you. I wish I could have saved you.

Clarke's fingers moved between his, their clasped hands a bridge between them, and Bellamy took his hand from the tree as they continued walking.

"Just thinking about Lincoln."

The blonde sighed.

"It's hard not to."

They continued to walk, chatting and watching the others laugh as they picked flowers.

Bellamy was uneasy in the woods; the shadows could hide enemies as well as bodies. Images flashes across his vision, arrows imbedding themselves in Octavia's back, Monty being dragged up to the trees, a knife to his throat.

The boy closed his eyes, pressing his palm to his eyes to rid his mind of the images. Clarke noticed his discomfort and let go of his hand to place her palms on either side of his head. Her lips met his forehead and Bellamy could feel them move as she whispered to him.

"We're alright. Everything's okay. I'm right here Bellamy."

The Blake took a deep breath and lowered his hands. The images had been sharp and hot, and the pain went away slower than the images did. The forest was green and quiet again, but his body coursed with adrenalin and he felt jumpy.

Clarke was watching him, patient and calm. He tried for a smile.

"Sorry. I'm okay now."

She smiled back and took his hand again to keep going through the forest. His cheeks flushed with colour as she led him through the trees. She was so beautiful and he was so….messy. Her hair was down today, the blonde waves tumbling over her shoulders and they flew around her when she spun her head to watch Monty pull leaves from a tree and throw them over Jasper.

Bellamy watched a smile warm Clarke's face, her eyes brightening with a laugh falling from her lips. The former soldier only looking away from her when excited squeals pierced the air.

Jasper and Monty were racing to the river, pushing each other in and shouting at Raven as she hobbled over stones. Octavia was smiling too, throwing her layers off to dive into the water.

Clarke tugged on Bellamy's hand pulling him over the rise to the little beach. Raven was sitting on a rock over the water, her feet dipped in the cold waves, Octavia sitting beside her as they watched the boys dunk each other under.

Miller ran past Clarkes shoulder, holding a laughing Bryan in his arms as they dove in.

"Wanna swim Bell?"

Bellamy looked at Clarkes bright face and nodded, letting go of her hand only so they could undress. Clarke took his hand again and pulled him the slowly into the water.

Memories of his time in the mountain scratched at the walls inside his head and he shivered but kept his eyes on the blonde in front of him. He focussed on her eyes, their bright blue, the patience and excitement in them. The feeling of her small hand in his, their fingers tangled together as she pulled him waist deep in water.

Bellamy had many bad memories of water from mount weather. The torture he endured, the cold water shocking and sharp against his bare skin. But Clarkes hand was warm in his own and he found that he was okay here. Laughter rang through the air around him and the flash backs never came.

He smiled, giddy and rushed forward to wrap his arms around Clarkes waist, feeling his skin press to hers, the warmth in them both, pulling her up and running into the water with her as she squealed.

A laugh burst from Bellamy's lips as they splashed into the waves. Clarke clung to him, her hands pressing against the bare skin of his back, the water rushing around them. They were so close Bellamy could feel her chest heave against his, her back moving under his hands, their faces close together.

"That's the first time I've heard you laugh in a while."

Bellamy glowed in her hold, and as she tucked her face into his neck, pressed against him, he swore he shone like the sun. He held her as he looked out over the lake, his smile so big it hurt his cheeks.

Bellamy had laughed. He'd actually laughed. Clarke hadn't heard that in so long she had feared she'd never hear it again. But it came bubbling out of him. Like a surprise he didn't know he held. He was smiling and watching the others play and she was so, so proud of him.

Today was a good day.

Octavia called her brother over and he dutifully came to carry Raven into the river, her bad leg was too unstable to allow her to walk through the current so he lifted her and carried her to a rock in the middle of river. Clarke watched his strong arms, the smile that made his freckles dance along his cheeks, the way his curls fell across his forehead.

The sun glinted on his back and Clarke lost her smile. He was covered in scars. Long slashes and stretched out circles covered the skin of his back. From the shock lashes, the torture in mount weather, the wars he'd fought in.

Some were deep and cruel while others were nothing more than a whisper of memory scratched onto his skin. He had been carved and torn apart and yet here he was.

Clarkes eyes filled with tears. This wonderful, strong man had only ever wanted to protect his sister. But his family had grown on this planet and he had come to protect all of them. He had sacrificed everything for those he loved and he had been destroyed as payment. His mind had been shredded as much as his skin and every day was another war he had to fight to survive.

But here he was. Carrying his baby sister on his shoulders to play chicken with Jasper and Monty as Raven Tickled Jasper to make him lose.

He was healing and he was stronger than he knew and god, did she love him.

….

Bellamy sat in the waves, obediently still as his sister washed his hair. Clarke and Monty were finding and collecting plants, Jasper and Raven arguing about bullets and bombs while Miller and Bryan shared kisses between the waves.

It was a perfect day.

Octavia's hands moved through his curls as she washed out the dirt and grime, she sounded happy as she sang, one of the songs their mother used to love.

"Heavy and hard is the heart of a king. King of iron, king of steel. The heart of a king loves everything like the hammer loves the nail. The heart of a man is a simple one. Small and soft, flesh and blood. And all that he loves is a woman, a woman is all that he loves."

Bellamy watched Clarke talk excitedly with Monty about some roots they found, pointing at different parts before shoving it in a bag. The wind was lifting her hair around her face, and she distractedly wound her blonde tresses up into a knot at the top of her head, lazy and soft. God, she looked so adorable. How did she get so excited over plants? It's a root Clarke, not gold.

"Hades is king of the scythe and the sword. He covers the world in the colour of rust. He scrapes the sky and scars the earth and he comes down heavy and hard on us."

Bellamy was bubbling with happiness but at the same time felt so relaxed and calm. His medication dosage had been increased and so he was a little loopier but it was other stuff too that made him so happy. No nightmares last night. No panic attacks or flashbacks today. Sure he'd seen some scary stuff in the woods but he hadn't disintegrated. He'd breathed and focused on Clarke and everything had been fine.

He knew the calm wouldn't last forever but he was going to damn well enjoy it while he could.

"But even the hardest of hearts unharden's suddenly when he saw her there. Persephone in her mother's garden, sun on her shoulders, wind in her hair, the smell of the flowers she held in her hand and the pollen that fell from her fingertips. And suddenly Hades was only a man with the taste of nectar upon his lips."

Bellamy watched Clarke as she talked to Monty, and smiled as she turned to look at him. Her face was bright and her smile made her eyes crinkle a little at the corners. She laughed when she caught him smiling dopily at her and lifted a hand, wiggling her fingers in a little wave.

He lifted his own hand and wiggled his fingers back.

"Lie down Bell."

"Huh?"

He'd almost forgotten his sister was there, or that anything other than Clarke existed. But Octavia tugged a little on his soapy curls to remind him.

"I need to wash the bubbles out. You're going to smell like lavender for ages."

Bellamy lay back in the water, allowing the cool waves to wash over his head as his sister's hands massaged her fingers through his long hair. With his eyes closed and his ears under the water all he could hear was the muted sounds of the river, shushing and moving, nothing but the water against the rocks.

He wished he could stay here and dunk his head in every time he felt overwhelmed. Which tended to be a lot. He stayed there for a few long minutes, feeling nothing but his sisters fingers in his hair and the water flowing over him like silk sheets.

Octavia tapped his shoulder, signalling Bellamy to sit up again. He shook his hair out, sending droplets flying, splashing his sister and making her squeal.

"What are you afraid of O, you're already soaked!"

The grounder girl pushed him back into the water, tumbling in after him and laughing as he did.

Everything was going great. Bellamy was happier than he had been in months. But the quiet couldn't last forever.

The former soldier looked up, expecting to see Clarke where she had been a second before, but there was nothing but boot prints on the dirt and piles of dirt from the holes where the roots used to sit.

Bellamy jumped up from the river, water cascading from him as he marched over.

"Bellamy? What's wrong?" Octavia came up behind him, watching as he crouched by the stream.

"Clarkes gone. Monty too."

The girl furrowed her eyebrows, talking to him softly as he examined the trail.

"Yeah, they said they were going for a walk to find some more plants. I think your head was under water then. Didn't you hear them?"

The boy stood abruptly, scaring Octavia, but that not what scared her the most. It was the look in his eyes and the squared off set of his shoulders. He looked like a soldier again, someone that would use his gun if he had to and probably enjoy doing so.

"They could be in trouble."

She backed away slightly before shaking her head and taking his arm.

"They're fine, I promise. Let's go sit down for a bit-"

The elder Blake pushed past her and waded to the beach.

"The grounders could already have them. We need to get everyone rounded up and think of a plan."

Octavia splashed after him, trying to get his arm in her grasp enough to pull him back to face her but he kept pulling from her reach. She was getting frantic now because she could see where he was going. Miller and Bryans gear was on the beach with everyone else's, including their guns.

Leaving them out wouldn't usually have been a problem, especially since Bellamy didn't like to go near them anymore, but his stony eyes were fixed on them and his determined march was too fast for Octavia to catch up to.

"Miller!"

The girl screamed, grabbing at her brother while begging him to stop. The shout was answered by four heads turning quickly in their direction and Nathan leaping up. The boy ran, legs flying high through the water, to come to a stop in front of his former commander. He placed a hand on his chest as he panted.

"Hey man, what are you up to?"

Bryan stood behind his boyfriend, looking nervous.

"I'm going to get Clarke and Monty because apparently no one else has noticed that they're missing!"

Miller raised his hands in front of him, splayed and ready in case the Blake tried anything. His voice was calm but strong.

"They're fine. They went for a walk. They'll be back soon, man. So why don't we just calm down and wait till they get back."

Bellamy strode forwards, pushing against his friend who immediately wrapped his hands around the others arms, his boyfriend coming forward behind him.

"Why don't you get out of my way so I can save them before they die."

"I can't let you have the guns and you know that. Remember what Dr Chambers said okay? No weapons, it's too dangerous."

Bellamy sighed as if he had lost all patience. He feigned right and then went left instead, tripping Miller so that he could get past and shoving Bryan so that he could get to the weapons. He picked one up, ignoring his sister as she called for him. The weapon was heavy and warm in his hands from where it had laid in the sun. It still fit his hand like a glove as he placed it at his shoulder and took the safety off.

Octavia was watching him, eyes wide and scared, her hands in front of her as she walked to him.

"Bellamy, please. Put it down. You don't want to hurt anyone."

She was right but he needed it to save Clarke and Monty, why didn't she understand?

"I'm trying to save them." He was hurt, eyebrows drawn down as his sister crept towards him. Why was she so scared of him?

"They don't need saving, Bell. This is just the PTSD messing with your head, making things seem scarier than they are. You don't need the gun."

Miller and Bryan were picking themselves off the ground, watching him with careful eyes. Bryan kissed Millers palm where they had been scraped on the stones.

Bellamy looked at them all, so scared of him, of what he would do. What was he doing? He shook his head, confused. Octavia took the lapse in concentration to surge forward and grab at the gun but Bellamy's eyes snapped open again and he raised the gun to aim at his sister.

"I need to save them."

Octavia had tears in her eyes now and Bellamy's hands shook. He didn't want to hurt his little sister but she wasn't listening, she didn't understand.

"No, you don't. Put it down, please."

The mans head swam, thoughts pummelling and shifting with every second. He needed to save the others. But the people standing in front of him were his friends. Why was he aiming at his friends? His sister? What was he doing?

His anger and determination melted into confusion and fear. Clarke and Monty were in danger. Weren't they? His eyes misted as he tried to think straight.

A twig snapped and Bellamy's aim spun to Jasper who was creeping up the beach. The gun was raised to Bellamy's eye, aim set, finger on the trigger. But his chest was heaving and his resolution wavered. He didn't understand what was happening. Jasper had his hands raised and he stopped walking.

"Hey man, everything's okay. We're all friends here, we all want what's best for you and for Monty and Clarke right?"

Bellamy sniffed and nodded.

"Okay, so if they were really missing we'd want to find them too right?"

That made sense. But they were still missing. He nodded and Jasper came closer, Bellamy's hands instinctively raised the gun higher and a sob tore from his throat. He didn't want to hurt Jasper but he couldn't put the gun down. His body was wired with adrenalin and instincts were driving his actions. The lanky boy raised his hands again, pausing his steps.

"Monty is my best friend. I wouldn't let anything hurt him. You trust me, right?"

Bellamy nodded as tears fell down his cheeks, breath huffing.

"So you don't need that. You can put it down."

Bellamy wanted to, the gun was so heavy in his shaking hands, he never wanted to touch that thing again.

The weapon fell from his heavy hands, Jasper catching it before it could hit the ground. Bellamy drooped as more sobs tore his chest and he felt strong arms pull his hands behind his back as Miller pushed him gently to the ground.

"You're okay, it's okay Bellamy. We just have to keep everyone safe."

He allowed himself to be pushed onto his stomach as Miller secured his hands with cuffs he always had on his belt. Bellamy sobbed into the warm stones on the beach and closed his eyes as Octavia's hands pushed back his damp hair.

"Shh, Bell. Everything's okay."

He felt sick, and wrong. Like some dark pit had been carved out of his chest. He'd hurt them, again. He almost killed them.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to."

She pressed kisses to his head as she cried in harmony with her brother.

"I know. I know, it's not your fault."

Miller patted the eldest Blake's back in sympathy, hating to see one of his closest friends so hurt.

"Everyone okay?"

Raven was stumbling up the beach, wincing at the scene.

"Did you have to handcuff him?"

"We have to keep everyone safe. I don't want to think about what would happen to him if he hurt anyone. I'm protecting him as much as I'm protecting everyone else."

A shout rose from the other side of the stream, which immediately made Bellamy struggle on the ground, trying to pull himself up to his knees.

"What happened!"

Clarke and Monty were sprinting over, bags full of leaves and moss, Clarke dropped to her knees and helped tug Bellamy up to his haunches. Her hands wiping over his cheeks, drying his tears even as they continued to flow, eyes roving over his face, checking for any harm.

Bellamy let out a sob at seeing the blonde. "Clarke."

Miller looked at the medic apologetically.

"He freaked out when he saw you two missing. He thought you'd been taken and he had a mini episode. He went for the guns."

"Oh god." Clarke quickly looked around at everyone, sighing in relief when she saw everyone safe and accounted for. She turned back to the boy knelt in front of her.

"Hey, it's alright Bell. I'm here. I'm here now. Monty and I were just collecting some plants. I'm sorry we scared you."

His breaths were choppy and he sniffed as he focused on her sad eyes.

"You're okay? Monty too?"

Clarke moved aside, to allow Monty to wave a little from where he stood with Jasper and Raven.

"Monty too. Are you okay? Do you hurt anywhere?"

The boy shook his head. He'd ruined everything. His mind had played tricks, turning everything scary and big so that he couldn't find his way out. And now that it was over he just felt wrecked.

Clarke pushed a hand through his hair in comfort, and though it was a small gesture, it made his muscles relax and his breathing calm all the same.

"You wanna take the cuffs off?"

He wanted to. He didn't like being tied up. But he didn't think he was safe.

"No."

Clarke scrunched her eyebrows, worried and curious.

"Why not?"

"I don't want to hurt anyone."

She sighed, trailing the back of her hand over his cheek.

"Oh, baby, you didn't hurt anyone."

The Blake shook his head, lifting his face to Miller and Bryan.

"I pushed you. I'm sorry. I was…. scared."

Miller was holding his boyfriends hand and nodded to Bellamy.

"There's nothing to be sorry for. It wasn't your fault."

Bryan smiled.

"We're okay."

Clarke took Bellamy's face in her hands and kissed his forehead, wrapping her arms around him as she pressed her lips close to his face.

"We're going to take the cuffs off now and you can hold onto me. For as long as you like, until you feel safe again. Okay?"

His hands felt evil, tainted, and he didn't think he should be allowed to hold something so precious and beautiful with hands that had done so much wrong. But he nodded anyway because she told him to.

The cuffs loosened from his wrists and his arms dropped to his sides, hands shaking as he started to sob again. Clarke hugged him, holding his face to her neck until he wrapped his own arms around her. She rocked them on the beach, rubbing a hand over his back as she shushed him, murmuring comforts to him.

Octavia wrapped her own arms around him and Bellamy could feel Miller and Bryan join in behind him. Jasper dived into the group hug, and Monty helped Raven to the ground so that they could both join in too. Bellamy was surrounded in everyone, held and safe in the arms of his family.

His chest didn't feel so hollow now, and his head was a little clearer. They had all forgiven him. Just like that. And he felt so incredibly lucky and undeserving of their love but it was there anyway. His family still wanted him and Bellamy's tears finally dried when Clarke kissed his temple and smiled against his skin.

This was his safe place. This was where he was okay.