When the door slams behind Coach Fulton, every eye went from the floor to Emily. "Thanks a lot Emily." Shelby spits out the last word bitterly. My body tenses. I scan the locker room. She's not in physical danger, so there's no real reason why I should jump in to protect her but it doesn't stop me from wanting to. I grit my teeth, forcing myself to stand still and breathe in deeply. I remind myself that we're not supposed to interfere. We're supposed to be invisible. If we do our job right, no one notices us. I want to do my job right. I've wanted to do nothing but this job for years; I would die before fucking up. I remind myself to stay cold and detached but it's hard to feel that way when it's about Emily. When the room is so tense that it becomes a tangible thing that clings to the girls like the smell of chlorine does. I know that this isn't going to end well but I hope that it's not because of something stupid I do.
Shelby steps closer to Emily and I adjust my stance, readying myself to act. "Excuse me? I wasn't the one that got so drunk she threw up all over the pool area." Emily shouts back, letting her stuff fall to the ground. I actually step back, surprised at Emily reacting opposite of how I expected her to. She's usually the voice of reason in locker room conflicts, I guess that everyone has their limits and she's finally reached hers. "Oh right, just like it wasn't you that told coach about us sneaking off last night?" Shelby spits back after taking a couple of seconds to react to Emily's anger. She was probably expecting her to back down as well. To take her anger in stride and go shower instead. Emily laughs sarcastically. "Really? Because coach wouldn't have figured it out by herself when half the team looks like they're hung over and the other half threw up before hitting the pool?" Shelby frowns but she moves closer. Emily is right. I know that and deep down so does the rest of the team, but the truth doesn't seem to have any effect on Shelby. "Please. I know it was you. We all know it was you… you've been gunning for captain since the start of this season and this is your way of eliminating the only competition you had." Emily shakes her head while frowning. "What are you talking about? I'm not gunning for anything." Shelby rolls her eyes and takes another step forward. "Come on it's your last year here. First you're breaking records and then you steal Taylor's spot as anchor, of course you're gunning for captain." Some of the girls start whispering amongst themselves and I wonder what the hell is going on. Emily's confusion quickly turns to rage and she steps forward, cutting the distance between Shelby and her "I already talked to Taylor about this but I'm glad to repeat myself so you can understand me. I'll even say it slowly for you: If you want to beat me, work harder. I earned my spot as anchor by working my ass off. Just like you earned your spot on coach's shit list by making an ass out of yourself." Emily doesn't wait for Shelby to react; she grabs her stuff and heads to the showers.
The juvenile part of me wants to laugh at Shelby in order to further humiliate her. I want to say something funny and mean at her expense but I know that I can't. And that I shouldn't. So I just stick to doing my job and follow Emily, standing outside the little hallway where the showers are. The girls in the locker room go from dead silence to progressively louder, but not as loud as they usually are. Standing there with nothing to do makes it seem as if Emily is taking forever to shower. I'm in the middle of stifling a yawn when Shelby stops in her tracks, almost falling over herself when she sees me. I'm guarding the entrance to all the shower stalls, meaning that unless I feel like moving, she's not going to shower, and I'm not feeling particularly kind to her. "Umm… you're in the way." She says quietly. I shrug my shoulders. I can't really tell her to go fuck herself so I just play stupid, pretending not to know what she's talking about. She frowns and looks behind her. When she realizes that none of the other girls are following her lead she turns over to face me again and plays with her towel. "I… umm… I need to take a shower." I nod at her but say nothing choosing to concentrate on a spot right behind her as I count in my head. I really need to keep my cool and Shelby is not helping. Just by being here she makes me angry enough to do something stupid. And unlike Bagel, I doubt she'll be a good sport about taking a punch to the face. I wonder what sort of trouble I'll get in for punching some punk ass kid… could I write it off as a necessarily evil in order to keep Emily safe? I blink slowly because I doubt it. Fuck. This really sucks.
Shelby looks back and still her friends are staying in the main part of the locker room. She sighs and is about to walk back when she suddenly smiles and laughs. "Well if it isn't little Emiwy Fwields. What's the matter, afraid of taking care of things by yourself so you have to put your giant lapdog in front of the showers to further inconvenience us?" She laughs mockingly and stares past me. I can feel my nails digging into my palms from trying so hard not to do what comes naturally. Emily steps forward, pushing past me in her sweats and a towel wrapped around her head. I walk past Shelby, trying to ignore her laughter echoing in the shower and all the girls turn around to face Emily and by extension me. I nod at them and some of them begin gathering their things to use the showers. Emily is irately putting her stuff away and when I move in to help her carry her gym bag to the car, she pulls it out of my reach, stopping me. "I'm not a fucking baby. I don't need your help every single second of the day. I can take care of things myself." She informs me angrily and I hold my palms up, telling her I understand. Even when I don't. I back away from her and look around the locker room. The rest of the girls are too busy holding their own conversations to notice me but I still feel stupid. Like I should have known. I bite my lip and look down at the ground, waiting for Emily to finish up so we can get out of here and just drive home. I'm not even excited that she won her races anymore.
Emily coughs and I look up at her. She shifts the weight of her bag but it stays on the same spot on her shoulder. "Ready to go Miss Fields?" She winces at this. "Paige… I…" She starts to say but my radio comes to life, interrupting her. "McCullers here, I didn't catch that can you repeat it? Over." The chief mentions that the rest of the stragglers have left the gym and that the side entrance that leads to where we parked is clear. "Thanks Chief. We'll be on our way. Over." Emily sighs and makes her way to the side entrance. I follow closely behind and soon we're outside. The Chief is waiting near the car. I wave him over and he walks up to us, meeting us halfway. "Chief O'Neill thank you for your cooperation today. This meet wouldn't have been possible without your help or the help of your fine officers." I extend my hand to him and he looks down at it, blushing before taking it and giving it a firm shake. "Thanks Agent McCullers, it was no problem. You kids have a good drive home." I nod and pat his shoulder with my other hand and reach down to hand him his radio. "Thanks Chief, we will. You tell the rest of your officers that I'm sorry I couldn't personally shake their hands but that they did a fine job out there." He lifts his hat and scratches his head, looking back at the building we just came out of. "Thanks. I'll be happy to pass the message along to them. I'm sure they'd appreciate it." I smile at him. "Not as much as I appreciated their help out there. You have a fine force behind you. I'm just grateful I got to be a part of it, even if it was just for a day." He shakes his head before looking back to where his squad car is sitting. "Thanks… I… That means a lot… especially coming from some Washington big shot." I smile at the ground. Shit. This is a little embarrassing because I never thought of myself that way. It still feels foreign to me. He pats my shoulder and we nod at each other before he turns to walk away. I wave as he drives off. I should probably send his station some flowers or one of those fruit baskets as a thank you. Yeah, that seems like a good idea.
We make it to the car and I open the trunk for Emily to drop her bag into. I slam it shut and then walk over to open her door. She frowns. "But I always sit in the front." She tells me in a small voice that is about to make my resolve crumble. I don't want her to sit in the back but it's too hard to have her be so close to me and still be angry at me. I did it for two hours before and I don't think I can do it for the whole drive back. I'd rather just not see her because it's too damn hard to sit there and pretend that nothing is wrong when she won't even look at me. I shrug, looking past her, pretending that I'm okay with this… with everything. "Sorry Miss Fields, just trying to follow your wishes." She makes a sound but I'm too busy trying to look everywhere else but her eyes to pay attention to what she wants to say. She sighs and throws her arms up. "Yeah. Thanks." She slides in and I shut the door for her. We should wait for the bus driver to get there but I really think everyone else can go fuck themselves at the moment. I write down a reminder to send the station something to thank them for their help and then text Coach Fulton, telling her that we're heading home right away. I don't wait for an answer before I open the door, start the car and drive off.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
We get to the first stop to refuel and even though I don't mean to, I slam my door. I go through the motions of pumping gas, not really thinking about anything. I'm leaning against the car, watching the numbers go up when I realize how tired I am. I yawn into a closed fist and rub my face with that hand. Fuck. I hope this place has some coffee or at least some energy drinks because I'll need them. I should have slept more but I just couldn't go back there. I also don't know if I can do this… maybe I should just admit defeat and go back to Mrs. Fields' security detail. I'm exhausted and on top of that I just feel like I can't just compartmentalize my feelings the way I think I should. I rub my neck, worrying about how other agents did this. Do they just not develop feelings or opinions when it comes to the person they're supposed to protect? I guess that's the only way you can do it… or at least pretend you don't. Maybe I should do that. Until I can stop all these stupid feelings from taking over I should just pretend that I don't like her. I mean… it's what she wants anyway, right?
Emily shutting the car door behind me startles me and I realize that the numbers in front of me have gone still. I put the pump back and wait for the click of the gas cap, never taking my eyes off of my hands. I want to look anywhere else but her. Her shoes come into my field of vision and I take a deep breath. "Can you please just look at me?" She asks me in a small voice and I shake my head because I know if I do I won't be able to stop. I won't be able to give her what she wants from me when what I want to give her is so different. I wish I could just... "Please Paige… I need you to look at me." Her voice cracks and I look up. She's wiping her cheeks with the sleeves of her sweater but it's no use. Her eyes are puffy and she's still crying. I instinctively reach my hands out to hold her but I stop them halfway through. Reminding myself that this isn't what she wants from me. "I'm getting some coffee. Do you want anything from inside Miss Fields?" Something flashes over her face and then it's gone. She shakes her head and looks away from me. "No… I… can I just wait in the car?" I look around us. The place is deserted and I really could use a minute or two in order to catch my breath because if I don't, I'll just go back to the way things were. To wanting to protect her from things that hurt more than a shot to the chest… "Of course Miss Fields. Whatever you want." I tell her even though my brain wants to say something else entirely. I open the door for her and gently shut it as I head inside the convenience store.
I keep glancing at the car. Not out of concern for her safety but because I feel horrible. I actually like protecting Emily. I like carrying her crap, opening doors for her and I don't know hanging out with her in my room, making fun of her classmates and teachers. But now I can't and I don't know where to draw the line so she feels comfortable around me again. I close my eyes and sigh. I feel so stupid; I thought we were at least… something… I don't know. I pour my coffee and begin preparing it the way I like it while thinking of ways to give Emily her space or whatever the fuck. Maybe I do treat her like a baby. I don't know. I grab some water and a pack of gum before heading to the register. As I'm heading back to the car I'm hoping that it gets easier to pretend. Hopefully after a while I'll actually stop pretending and I really will be able to have nothing but a formal, business relationship with Emily. I open my door and sigh because even I know that it's bullshit.
"Fucking Jesus!" I shout as I come face to face with Emily who moved to the front seat. She laughs through the tears as she looks at me. She scared the shit out of me. "Sorry Em…I mean Miss Fields. You… you were just unexpected." She frowns. "Would you please stop calling me that?" I stare at her because I don't know what she wants from me. "I… sure Miss… Umm… Emily?" I ask her, unsure of how to navigate this. "I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry… I know I shouldn't have taken it out on you… again… so I'm sorry." I nod and stare at her, still gripping my coffee and water bottle to my chest. I don't really know what to say and the safest option so far has been to keep my mouth shut so I take a sip of coffee and stare at her. She sniffles and wipes at her eyes. "It's really not your fault… I just… I'm so tired of them acting this way, you know? It was fine when I was a freshman and my dad was just in politics. And then when he asked me and my mom if he could run for president, we said that it was fine because we didn't really think about it. And then, when he started becoming more renowned as a way to get his name out there, to prepare people for the possibility of him running for this election, my friends started acting different around me. Especially my teammates. It was as if they didn't know me anymore. You know?" I don't know but I nod anyway. She wipes at her eyes and looks out the window. "At first I didn't notice how different things were between us because I was trying so hard not to drown with grades and swimming… but then… little things just kind of added up… like they would just forget to invite me to wherever they were going, saying that I was finishing up some laps and that they didn't want to bother me." She cries harder at this but doesn't stop talking.
"Do you know how much it sucks for your friends to just shut you out? All because of something you can't control? And then… then my dad announces that he's running for president and starts going on his stupid campaign trail and he's so excited about meeting all these people and about making a difference and my mom is right there with him and I feel so terrible because every time they call or skype I see how happy they are and I can't find it in myself to tell them that I'm absolutely miserable because I feel that it's my fault. Like I'm just having a hard time adjusting to college even though I know it's more than that because before it wasn't like this… and I can't tell my parents that I want to go somewhere else because I'm not even halfway through my first semester as a sophomore. So I just smile and pretend that everything is fine even though I feel so lonely all the time because no one wants to just talk to me. They want to talk at me or talk about me. But not to me… and… fuck… just… it's so hard to do this sometimes. You know? Like really hard because I look at Shelby and Taylor and all those other girls and I remember the summer before we started here when we were all 17 and it didn't matter who my dad was and now it's all they can see because his face is everywhere and it just… it sucks okay? It just sucks." I swallow the lump in my throat. Emily wipes her face with her hands and looks my way. "And I know that they're just jealous or whatever. Spencer and Hanna and Aria have told me this like a million times but it still doesn't change the fact that it sucks because I'm thinking: what if they're actually right? Like what if maybe I'm not the girl that my parents think I am? Maybe I'm not the person anyone thinks I am." She sighs. "I mean… if I was, wouldn't I be having this amazing college experience instead of just being so miserable all the time?"
Author's Note: In anticipation of PLL tomorrow I bring you this… Also I should have told you guys to prepare yourself for all the feels in the world… all of them.