All The Things You Said

Chapter Twelve

-Nothing Wrong About This-

Addison woke up with an uneasy feeling. She tried to remember whether she had had a nightmare, but she couldn't think of anything other than her istinct telling her something bad might be around the corner. Initially, she ascribed it at her the superficial sleep in the uncomfortable on-call room, but as she quickly walked to OR3, where she had to perform a very complicated c-section, guilt came back, arrogant and strong.

She and Derek had been seeing each other in secret for a month, and no one looked at them disapprovingly, proving Derek's unconvincing point that nobody knew, despite Addison's firm convintion that Meredith must at least suspect something, since her husband spent more time at the hospital than he was meant to.

Addison thought about Mackenzie every day and night, telling herself that the girl was as happy as she had wished she was and that she was ruining her wonderful life by going out with Derek. She'd planned to end things with him a hundred times, almost every day, but somthing always happened when she saw him; her perspective reversed, her words changed, and instead of telling him she couldn't go on, she ended up saying a whole-hearted 'I love you'.

Derek was amazing. He was always perfect with her, caring and kind, and he had just that little bit of possessiveness that made Addison's heart beat faster every time.

When she thought about Mackenzie she felt like she could live without Derek, like she didn't want to be with him. But then he kissed her cheek or ran his fingers through her hair, and he bought he coffee and chocolate muffins. Once, when he stayed at her place for the night, he cooked her favorite breakfast.

Her only 'rule' was to excude Mackenzie from her mind when she was with Derek, preventing herself from crying her heart out. Every other plan didn't matter anymore.

Deeply lost in her inner conflinct, Addison bumped into someone as she turned right.

"Addison!"

"Oh, hi, Meredith. Sorry, I, uhm, didn't notice you... I was thinking about... some stuff." Addison blushed, feeling doubly awkward when Derek's and Mackenzie's faces flashed in her mind, as they often did at any time of her day.

"Don't worry, I wasn't really paying attention either. How are you?"

"I'm okay, but I actually need to go. I have a surgery in a couple of minutes."

"Sure. Oh, before you go, I wanted to thank you. For Mackenzie, you know. She loves to follow you around, she started to read all the articles you've ever written."

"Really?" for a moment, Addison forgot any other thing's existance, deeply lost in her daughter's life. She felt like Mackenzie was the only thing keeping her breathing.

Meredith nodded. "Sure, she looks up to you. I'm glad she found someone that inspires her. Of course I wish it was me, but I'm her mother, and that's all I ever asked and wanted. Well, I'll let you go operate, anyway. Just – have you seen Derek?"

Addison's smile faded. "Oh. No, sorry. I've been sleeping until five minutes ago."

Meredith shook her head slightly. "Never mind, I'll look for him." she paused for a few seconds. "He's so strange lately."

As she walked away, Addison could swear Meredith looked at her knowingly, as if she wanted to let her know she knew. Addison winced slightly, panicking for a moment. What would the consequences be? Would Derek make a choice? Would Mackenzie hate her? Though she was sure of what the answers were, Addison felt pangs of pain shake her body if she put a deeper thought about it. So she brushed it off, breathing deeply. She had patients to save.

Addison smiled when she noticed that her young patient was slowly waking up from the anesthesia. She liked her job, but her favorite patients were young girls, because she could relate to them closely.

She squeezed the girl's hand, grabbing a glass of water and offering it to her. She had walked in a few minutes earlier to check on her, but the parents, who still were extremly worried, asked her if she could stay while they got something to drink.

"Hi, Ella. The surgery went well. Your son is perfectly fine, and so are you." Addison informed her patient before she had the chance to ask.

"Really?" the girl's eyes widended in joy, and she returned Addison's smile. "When can I see my son?"

"In a few hours, if you feel strong enough. He's doing great so far, and he was sleeping peacefully the last time I checked on him. I'll have someone bring him here when you feel better."

The girl nodded. "Where are my parents?"

"They only went to get a cup of coffee, they'll be back soon."

Another nod. "I don't know how I'm supposed to be a mother."

"Oh, it's easy. You'll learn in no time, Ella. You seem a smart girl to me."

"Do you have any children, Dr. Montgomery?"

Addison paled. She always feared that question. Several colleagues and patients had asked her over the years, though she didn't think she really looked like a mother. There was probably something in her looks that led people to understand she was a parent.

"I do." Addison answered, swallowing bitterly. "I do, I have a child, but I don't live with her. I'm not her mom, just... her mother. That's how I'd put it. See, Ella, I really never know what to say when I'm asked if I have kids."

"Oh." Ella looked at her with sympathy. "I understand. Can I... can I ask you something? Because I, uhm, I'm not sure if I can be a mother. My parents say they'll help me and that I can do it, but I think I'm not meant to mother someone yet. Do you get it?"

"Of course I do." Addison whispered. "I was nineteen when it happened to me. My parents weren't as supportive as yours. But my daughter was adopted by very nice people, and she grew up happily, just how I wanted her to."

"I love my son." Ella told her tearfully.

"And I love my daughter, Ella. You have to make the choice that you feel right, do what your istinct tells you. You'd probably be an awesome mother if you kept your son. He'd grow up loved and cared of."

"I don't want that." Ella whispered, as a tear rolled down her face. "I don't want my parents to raise my child. I don't want to give up on my dreams."

Addison swallowed again. She sighed. She didn't want to say anything else that could made her decide for Ella, but the girl was saying what she had felt over a decade earlier.

Addison turned around when someone walked in the room; Ella's mother was cying silently and her father looked beyond sad.

Addison stood up from the chair awkwardly, squeezing Ella's hand again. "Whatever you decide, Ella, keep in mind this isn't about your parents, or your son, or yourself. It's a wholeness. You need to consider everything, because if one day you end up regretting it... -"

Leaving the sentence hanging in the pregnant air, Addison left the room, pushing back her own tears. She had more or less said it. She regretted it. As much as Mackenzie seemed happy and had had a great life, Addison coulnd't help but think that she would have been better off with her.

Closing herself in a dark supply room, Addison slipped on the floor and grabbed her phone. She needed to call Bizzy. She needed someone to tell her about her dreams, because she forgot them. She needed someone to remind her why she let Meredith and Derek take Mackenzie from her.

"Addison? Is that you? You never call!"

"Believe me mother, you do not want to start this conversation by accusing me of something."

Addison heard Bizzy sucking air in.

"I shouldn't have come here. Seeing Mackenzie, hearing her adoptive parents talking about her... it's too painful. Like salt on a burning wound."

"I'm sorry, Addison. I pushed you to go there, but I... I was just in the middle of some sort of delirium... I couldn't think straight. I did want you to know something about her, and I do now see I did awful choices, but I should have known it'd only give you pain. I'm sorry."

"It's not only painful." Addison told her in a whisper, thinking about when she and Derek kissed or when Mackenzie watched her work full of enthusiasm. "There are good things."

"Maybe it's time for you to come home." Bizzy suggested. "Snap a picture, book a flight and go back to New York."

"Yeah." Addison agreed. "I probably will in a few weeks."

A few minutes later she walked out again, and stopped in front of Ella's room. The girl, now calmer, smiled at her and signaled her to walk in.

"How would you have named your daughter, Dr. Montgomery?"

Addison thought about it for a minute. "I didn't really thought of a name, because I knew I couldn't keep her, but I think she would have been an Ashley. I used to love that name."

Addison stretched as she signed the patient chart. It was a slow afternoon and she got stuck with paperwork. She was shaken out of her mechanic movements when her phone rang. Thinking it was Archer, she answered without checking, and part of her regretted it.

"Hey, honey, it's me."

"Derek!" Addison felt her heart of her throat. She was starting to feel bad around Derek. She wasn't sure about him anymore.

"Yep, it's me." he repeated. "I'm home right now, but, you know, since we've been seeing each other for exactly a month today..."

Addison couldn't help but smile weakly as she remembered it.

"I want to take you out for dinner." Derek informed her. "Can I pick you up at eight?"

Before she could answer properly, he talked again. "I already made reservations, and I told Meredith a friend from my childhood is in town. It's all set. Okay?"

Addison tried to talk, but as always there was something that held her back. A four-letters word was way simpler to force out than a long explanation about why she couldn't be with him anymore. "Okay."

Derek picked her up a few blocks from the hospital, like he had promised. Addison had managed to go home, freshen up and put on her best dress before leaving the house again, and despite the guilt that was still eating her alive, she couldn't wait to see Derek. They hadn't seen each other in two days, and Addison missed him more than she was willing to admit. Her dress was too thin and it was getting quite cold; a storm was most likely on its way, hence why as soon as Derek's car stopped in front of her, Addison hopped inside and shivered.

"I'm freezing. I was going to be late, and I forgot to grab my coat..." she let her voice fade, captured by Derek's eyes and smile. He was a few inches from her face, leaning in to kiss her.

"Hey." he said.

"Hey." Addison repeated, letting herself go once again. She leaned against Derek's body, inhaling his manly scent. "I missed you, Der."

"Not as much as I missed you." Derek whispered softly in her ear between kisses.

Addison giggled. "How come you always miss more?"

"Because I'm addicted to you... your absence literally kills me."

They made out for a while, until Addison's stomach rumbled.

Derek pulled away and let out a small laugh. "I take it you're hungry?"

"More like starving." she said. "I kind of forgot to eat."

Derek rolled his eyes as he started the car. "I'll drive fast."

"Thank you."

"Hey, Addison?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm happy."

"I'm happy too." Addison answered honestly, inabriated by her love for Derek. "I really am."

"Good." Derek glanced at her, smiling.

"This is nice." Addison told him when they got out of the car in front of the restaurant.

"It's a good restaurant, I ate here more than once and really, the food is amazing."

The waiter welcomed them warmly; he even recognized Derek. He led them to a private table, that was lovely set with perfumed candles and red roses.

"Oh, Derek." Addison was radiant with joy.

"Do you like it?" he asked her, with a glimpse of nervouseness in his ardent voice.

"I love it, Der. And I love you." Addison hugged him, feeling as if she was complete with him, for the first time in her life. "It feels all so right."

"It does." Derek agreed, kissing her temple before pulling the chair back for her to sit. "It is."

Addison smiled, losing herself in the depth of his eyes. Everything else disappeared, like it always did.

She and Derek ate slowly, tasting a lot of different dishes and feeding each other between laughters and passionate kisses. Somehow, Addison's lipstick ended up leaving a mark on Derek's shirt's collar, and he would have gladly draw other people's attention to their table hadn't Addison stopped him.

Derek drove her home, driving way slowler than when he picked her up. None of them wanted to part, but they knew Derek couldn't afford to spend another poorly-justified night away from home.

"Let me walk you upstairs." Derek told her, taking Addison's hand as she got out of his car.

"Of course." she smiled in answer, letting him wrap his arm around her body.

Derek kissed her on every landing, teasing her in any way he knew.

Addison stopped in front of her door, knowing that Derek wouldn't go in with her. She looked at him sadly.

"I'll call you tomorrow as soon as I wake up." he promised.

"I already miss you."

Derek gave her one last kiss. "I love you, Addie. See you tomorrow."

Addison sighed, but nodded.

"Sleep tight."

"You too."

The door burst open, making both of them jump in surprise. Addison saw Derek throw her a questioning look and she turned towards her apartment to identify the intruder. Her heartbeat accelerated when she saw him, his eyebrows raised disapprovingly, and she felt herself faint. She automatically placed her hand on Derek's arm, but pulled it away immediately as if it had burnt her skin. She looked from one man to the other, abruptly drifting back to reality.