Explanations

----------

Susan sat nervously on the stiff, white hospital bed. She was still slightly shaking and all she could think of was Remus: what he was thinking, if he still liked her, what it would be like to have him hold her now. But he was not there, only Madam Pomfrey and Professor McGonagall accompanied her. Susan could hear them whispering, wondering what had happened to her, but she did not jump to tell them. She was too worried about him.

"Susan," Madam Pomfrey said, walking towards here with a small vile.

Susan looked up; her eyes were still red and her makeup smudged.

"Yes?" She asked softly.

Madam Pomfrey smiled, it Susan's first verbal response.

"Can you please take this? It will make you feel better and help you fall asleep," she said handing the vile of silvery, effervescing liquid to Susan.

Susan took the vile in her hand and looked at Madam Pomfrey before swallowing the cool liquid. She cringed at the taste and suddenly her mouth became numb, along with the rest of her body.

Madam Pomfrey looked at Susan, waiting for her response.

"You said I'd feel better, not lose my feeling," Susan said lifting her hand, it tingled and felt lighter than usual.

Madam Pomfrey looked at her reprovingly.

"Susan, it will help," she said and took the vile from her.

Susan rolled her eyes as Madam Pomfrey walked away. A large set of pajamas laid next to her on the bed and looked at her invitingly, as the cool numbness overtook her body.

She grabbed the white pajamas and pulled the white curtain around the bed. Tugging at the hem of her dress, she quickly stripped of it and slipped on the large, white, pajama top, then the comfortable bottoms.

Susan poked her head under the white sheet, "Good night," she said to both Madam Pomfrey and Professor McGonagall.

Madam Pomfrey waved in response, but McGonagall approached her.

"Good night, professor," Susan said as McGonagall neared her bed.

Minerva smiled lightly and took Susan's hand.

"Are you alright, dear?" She asked kindly, though it was strange to hear her speak with such compassion.

Susan looked at her vacantly, not sure how she was feeling. But she figured she would ease both McGonagall's and Pomfrey's anxieties.

" I heard you talking," Susan said slowly, "I wasn't raped."

A wave of relief washed over Mineva's face.

"Good," she said placing her hand on Susan's cheek.

"Now sleep," she said, and Susan complied.

The crisp, white sheets were erie, but Susan could not feel them. Her whole body was numb, but her mind was not. Guilt corrupted her thoughts. She felt guilty for going to the party, guilty for even talking to John and guilty for what she did to Remus. He was probably worried about her. She could still see the look of panic, concern on his face when he saw her earlier. Though Susan had yet to see him, she knew he would not be happy. Who would be? Susan had crossed the line, she could only hope he would forgive her.

----------

Susan awoke with a new found energy; she could actually feel a sensation in her body, but unfortunately the sensation was nerves. She awoke with an anxious feeling in the pit of her stomach. Groaning slightly she rolled around in the bed, hugging her stomach.

"Susan, are you awake," the voice of Madam Pomfrey asked from behind the white sheet.

Susan groaned again and squinted her eyes open.

"Unfortunately," she said dully, sitting up.

"Good!" Madam Pomfrey said brightly, pulling back the white sheet, "Now take this and you can go."

Susan sighed and pulled the white sheets off of her body, swinging her feet over the side of her bed.

"I don't know that effervescing liquids are good for me in the morning," Susan said observing the greenish, bubbling liquid in Madam Pomfrey's hand.

Madam Pomfrey tapped her foot in reply, and handed her the small glass tube.

"Simmer down Poppy," Susan said taking the tube from her hands.

"Excuse me, Miss Thoits," she said shooting Susan a reproving glare.

Susan rolled her eyes, "I told you effervescing liquids weren't good for me in the morning," she said, quickly swallowing the warm liquid.

Susan made a gagging noise and Madam Pomfrey snatched the glass away from her boldly.

"You may go now, Miss Thoits," she said, placing the glass tube on the side table, "But no more calling me Poppy."

Susan nodded and stood up from the bed, grabbing her clothes from the night before.

"Thank you," she said and walked nervously out of the hospital wing.

--------

Susan entered the common room, but no one was there. Usually on a Saturday morning small groups of Gryffindors would be playing Wizard's Chess or cards, but today was different. Susan walked quickly up to her dormitory and hopped in the shower, washing away the memories of last night. She felt ashamed and embarrassed. The thought of having to face Remus was unfathomable, but she owed it to him. He had been nothing but kind to her.

Drying off, Susan slipped a dark pair of jeans, a purple sweater and dried her hair with her wand. She would go talk with him now, get it over with. She knew the longer she waited the worse it would be, and she did not know how long she could go without seeing him. The worried look on his face from the night before was embedded into her eye lids. Susan figured she would let him know she was okay.

----------

"Susan," Remus said opening the door.

He looked extremely tired; his face pale, his eyes dark. Susan could not bare to look him in the eye.

"Hello," she said quietly, almost ashamed. Her eyes were focused on her feet.

Remus observed Susan; she too look tired, and she seemed uneasy.

"Come in," he said kindly, his voice tired.

She looked up.

"Okay," she said, following him into his quarters.

Susan did not know what to do: explain what happened, apologize or be casual. Just thinking about it made her hands begin to shake.

Remus walked into his kitchen and grabbed his cup on the counter. He watched Susan follow him, her movements were nervous, paranoid.

"Do you want something to drink?" He asked her, but she ignored him and sat on the couch.

Susan was nervous. She wanted so badly to explain what had happened, to make everything better, but what if he did not forgive her? She needed him, she could not bare to go without him, she would have to tell him.

"Susan," Remus said, walking over to the couch with two cups in his hand.

"Did that boy hurt you?" He asked gently, but she could tell it was painful for him.

Did John hurt her? Surely he scared her, touched her, but it was her fault. She agreed to go to the party, go with him, to drink the fire whiskey. Susan could have avoided everything if she had been responsible and listened to Percy.

Susan looked at Remus, embarrassed to have his sympathy.

"I don't know that he 'hurt' me," Susan said quietly.

Remus nodded and sat beside her on the couch. He offered her the second cup of tea in his hands and carefully placed his arm around her shoulder.

"Susan, you don't have to talk about this now if you don't want to."

Susan cried out in frustration. Why was Remus being so kind to her? She had betrayed him, another guy kissed her, touched her and it was all her fault. It was not inevitable, she could have stopped it. Susan could have spent the evening with Remus, talking about their favorite books, but instead she spent the night 'having fun.'

Remus pulled her close to him, but Susan would not allow herself to cling to him. She did not deserve him, but he felt so warm and his comforting smell filled surrounded her.

"Shhhh," he said softly rubbing her shoulder.

"Remus," Susan said, sitting up and roughly wiping her eyes of the stray tears that leaked down her cheeks. Her vision was blurred, but she could see the look of sympathy etched across his face.

He looked at her, curious to hear what she wanted to say.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" She asked angrily, her cold eyes piercing into the warmth of his own.

He looked taken a back and reached slowly to take her hand, but Susan sharply pulled her hand away. She could not take the caring gaze of his honey eyes.

"What happened yesterday was all my fault. Remus, you should be furious with me," she said looking at him solemnly.

But Remus's face was soft, he was concerned, "Susan you can't blame yourself for what he did to you."

Susan hung her head and clutched her fists in her lap.

"Yes I can," she said defensively, her voice was raising.

"I could have listened to Percy and could have never gone to the party. But-but no, I wanted to 'have fun,' when really I have more fun being with you," Susan said sincerely, tears leaking from her eyes again.

Remus looked at her, not able to be angry. He understood how she felt and how she wanted to feel; like what had happened was her fault, when really she was innocent of any crime.

"Susan, what did he do to you?" Remus asked, his expression somber.

Susan looked at him nervously and took a deep breath.

"I don't know," she said slowly, "He just forced himself on me, and he kissed me and touched me," she said looking quickly at her hands, which were placed securely in her lap.

"So, he didn't-"

Remus tried to asked, but Susan cut him off.

"No, no I wasn't raped," Susan said frustrated.

"Thank God," Remus said as a wave of relief washed over his body, relieving most of his tension.

Remus smiled at Susan, but she stared at him, confused.

"Why?" She asked, curious why that's all anyone seemed to care about.

Remus raised a concerned eyebrow.

"Well, because that's a horrible thing to do to a young women, especially a pure one," Remus said, choosing his words carefully.

Susan sighed, frustrated.

"It would not have mattered anyways, Remus, I'm not what you call 'pure," Susan said, looking him in the eye.

Remus stared at her, his face had fallen a bit and his chin clutched.

Susan searched his eyes, waiting for his response, an inquiry to her statement, but he his reaction was not what Susan expected.

"Susan," Remus said slowly and took her hands from her lap, "I guess that doesn't really matter. I'm just happy you're safe and that you're here with me right now," he said slowly, looking into her eyes.

He had done it again and Susan hated him for it. He evoked emotions that had been entrapped in her heart for years.

Susan could not contain it, her tears came back in a wave of intense emotion. Remus truly cared for her, she knew that, but she was stubborn. He was all she wanted, he was everything she could ever need, but it was hard for her. Hard to trust someone, even if they did care for her. Susan knew she had a lot of things to explain to Remus, she had an excellent facade. So, she would take it slow, explain things to him when it was appropriate. For now she just wanted to be with him.

Susan moved closer to Remus and wrapped her arms around his chest, hugging him to her body. Remus stroked her long, dark hair, comforting her.

"I'm so sorry," Susan said, her voice muffled by Remus's body.

"Susan, it's okay," he said rubbing her back calmingly.

Susan looked up at his face, "Thank you."

He smiled at her and set down his cup of tea.

"Sit up for a moment," he instructed Susan, then laid down on the couch, beckoning Susan to lay beside him.

Susan laid contently in Remus's arms. His large hand cupped her shoulder and she laid her head on his chest, her hand on his stomach. Slowly Susan traced the line of buttons on Remus's shirt. She smiled to herself, she liked the way he dressed: collared, buttoned shirts that were slightly worn, but always freshly pressed and trousers with slightly tattered ends. It was endearing.

As Susan reached the top button she nimbly slipped the round disk through the hole, revealing the soft, brown hairs on Remus's surprisingly built chest. Remus watched as Susan slid her hand under this shirt and up to his neck, exploring his warm skin.

Susan glanced at Remus, her hand stroking the hair on the back of his head.

"Can I kiss you?" She asked, still a little nervous about being close to him.

Remus smiled and snaked his hand behind her neck, pulling her closer.

"Of course."

Susan bit her lip and moved both of her hands to Remus's shoulders, hovering over his body. Remus moved his hands to Susan's mid-waist and pulled her against his body. Energized by the sensation of being pressed against his body, Susan crashed her lips against Remus's. She smiled as his mustache lightly tickled her upper lip, but kissed him with aching passion. He eagerly kissed her back, his intensity building with each kiss. Susan ran her hands through his hair, moving her kiss down to his neck. Remus slightly moaned as Susan kissed up his neck to the back his ear.

"Susan," Remus said abruptly, lightly pushing her away.

"Hmm?" She asked, placing soft kissing on his chin bone.

Remus placed one of his hands on her cheek, "I think we need to slow down."

Susan laughed and laid beside him on the couch.

"Am I too much for you professor?" She asked tracing the buttons of his shirt again.

Remus laughed uncomfortably.

"Oh, you're definitely somethin g else Susan," he said placing his hand on her hip.

Susan smiled at him, and sighed happily, laying her head on his chest. She played with the hem of Remus's shirt and a mischievous grin spread upon her lips. She lightly traced the thin strip of skin that appeared above his pant line with her finger tips. Susan smirked as she felt Remus tense at her touch; his reaction dared her. Slowly Susan lifted the hem of his shirt and let her fingertips dance across the trail of dark hairs that reached from his navel to beneath his trousers.

"Merlin's beard, Susan," Remus said quickly, grabbing her hand.

She looked at him and laughed. He looked like her was petrified.

"Remus, you look like you've just seen the Basilisk," Susan said holding onto his hand and kissing his knuckles.

He shook his head and sat up against the arm of the couch, "Susan, you can't do things like that to a male. You know we're sensitive," he said blushing.

Susan could not help but beam at him, he made her too happy.

"I like it when you blush," Susan commented, gazing into Remus's eyes.

"You like seeing me embarrassed?" He asked, grabbing her waist and pulling her onto his lap.

Susan wrapped her arm around his neck and kissed the side of his head.

"Yes, I truly do."

"Well, that's not fair," Remus said nuzzling his face into the crevice of Susan's neck, kissing it lightly.

"Sure it is," Susan said pulling her head closer, ruffling his hair.

"What embarrasses you?" He asked curiously.

Susan thought for a moment, "Well, yesterday was quite embarrassing."

Remus nodded, understanding her how she must have felt.

"Yes, well, I'm just happy that you're okay," Remus said, lifting his head to kiss her lips.

Susan nodded and leaned her head against his, breathing in his warm scent.

"Remus," Susan said softly, grabbing his hand.

Remus raised his eyebrow and squeezed her hand.

"Hmm?"

"Do you want to know why I like you?" She asked, blushing slightly.

"Yes," he said looking into her sparkling, brown eyes.

Susan bit her lip and traced Remus's palm with her thumb.

"Well," she said smiling at him, "you're so kind."

Remus gaped at her.

"You mean, it's not because of my dashing, good looks?" He asked, winking at her playfully.

She smiled and kissed his cheek.

"Well, that too of course, but you have wonderful character traits."

Remus gazed at her fondly, tucking a piece of her long, brown hair behind her ear.

"I'm glad you can appreciate my 'character traits,'" he said kissing her on the forehead.

Susan laid against Remus's chest, still holding onto his hand.

"The full moon's soon, isn't it?" She asked him, concerned.

Remus nodded, "Yes, and the weather's getting colder."

Susan frowned, she hated to think that Remus would have to transform alone in the cold.

"Well, I promise that I'll be here to warm you up after your transformation," she said, wrapping his arms around her waist.

Remus smiled, happy to have Susan near him.

"You're sweet," he said kissing the back of her hair, and squeezing her tight.

Susan turned her head to look at him, "But you're sweeter."

Awww, I love Remus Lupin. So, I hoped you enjoyed this chapter. I know some people felt like I contradicted my story with the last chapter, but I don't think I did. Susan kind of represses herself and she had a little spontaneous 'fun.' Though, I don't think she will be going to any parties anytime soon, well without Remus that is.

Again, thank you soooo much for all of your reviews, they're truly fabulous! If you have any suggestions or advice, like always I love to hear your thoughts. The next chapter will probably transition into the Christmas season, which will be fun!

I hope you're all enjoying the lovely spring weather! Thank you for reading and I'll see you soon.

love, teawithme

p.s. I know I posted this chapter and then took it down...I had to fix a few things and happy first day of spring :)