A/N: Do not youtube the song described in this fic while reading this chapter. It'll damage your insides.
Guest#1: oh yes, dysfunctional, indeed, but definitely with feeling. Too much feeling, to be exact. When I read your review, I heard exactly what you did. It's a terrible curse she put on everyone, but I still love her. And I will lipsync the shit out of that jam. Glad you liked the light scene! Because this one is terribly overstuffed with agony. As for your theories…we're getting closer to what happened.
Lily: ZoSan is actually my OTP and I'm convinced it's canon and nobody can say otherwise. LawSan is my FTP. Your wish is my command :D
Nattsubihanabi: There are a lot of 'whats?' for this story, but it'll all make sense very soon. *very soon.
Naghi-tan: We'll find out very soon. D:
siberianRS: I liked the wet shirt one. I amused me while writing it (I heard it somewhere, I might've been drun – I mean, overheard it somewhere).
Panda Blackwhite: I didn't mean to. All will be revealed very soon!
Chapter Twelve –
The next morning, Sanji didn't move. Whether it was from the violent storm last night, or his own emotion, but his body was too sore, numb and stiff. He felt like there was a weight in his lungs he couldn't quite move, and a hand around his heart that squeezed. His thoughts were numb. His tongue felt like cardboard. His hands felt useless. The aquarium bar's soft glow illuminated the dark room, and fish swam lazily, unbothered by the occasional rocking of the ship, or the running of feet nearby.
All of the words Law had said to him haunted him. The grotesque phrases echoed over and over through the stunned molasses of his thoughts. He absolutely could not believe that he would tell him such horrid things, and he was caught in a quandary because he didn't remember how he got here. And what he did remember was scattered. So Law could have told him these things before he left, and Sanji just could not accept it.
They said hurtful things to each other all the time, but nothing like this. He couldn't imagine saying these things to Law – and Law might say criticizing things, but nothing like this.
Had something happened where such words were used intentionally?
He heard the door open behind him, and he closed his eyes so he could fake sleep. He didn't want anybody bothering him, right now, when he felt such turmoil inside of him. He didn't want to be pressured, he didn't want to be useful, he didn't want anybody's shit, today. He just needed to be by himself and sort things out, and he needed to do it alone.
"Sanji. Hey, Sanji. Are you still sad?"
"I'm asleep. Go away."
"You're not asleep if you're talking to me," Luffy pointed out, still in a whisper. Sanji could feel him crawling onto the couch, looking over him. The smell of sunshine, sea and the faint hit of body odor hit Sanji with a strong movement. It wasn't unpleasant – it made him feel like he was outside, himself, enjoying the breeze and weather. "Chopper wants to know if you're hurt, and if you feel any sort of pain, you need to let me know, to let him know, so he can come see you. He says he respects your need for privacy, but he's not going to tolerate it any longer if you don't tell me, to tell him, that you're okay. So. Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," Sanji mumbled.
"Look me in the eye, then," Luffy demanded, trying to align his eye with his.
"No. I'm tired."
"You're still sad," Luffy decided, resting his cheek against his shoulder, Sanji grumbling at the feel of his surprisingly heavy weight on his upper half. The kid was slender, but he was carved out of muscle. "I don't know why you're so sad, Sanji. Law is fine. You got to him in time. Chopper thinks he still has water in his lungs, but Law chopped it out, so when Chopper fainted, Law helped him, too. So you don't need to be sad about that."
Sanji took a few moments to wonder what that even meant. Then he decided he didn't care enough to want to know. He closed his eyes again, trying to ignore the feel of Luffy's breath against his ear and sideburns. Then he felt the kid's fingertip on his cheekbone, and he was touching him, and Sanji jiggled his shoulder to make him stop.
"It's okay to be sad sometimes, Sanji," Luffy said, patting his head. "But you shouldn't let it make your decisions. Sometimes, we can't help but be sad. What are you sad about?"
"I'm. Not. Sad."
"When I first saw you, I knew you were," Luffy said firmly. "I thought it was because you weren't in the right place, like you said, but then every time I manage to catch sight of you when you were hiding by Nami's garden, I could see it. I don't know what you're thinking about, or what made you come here, but there's definitely a solution for it that only friends can help you, with."
For a few moments, Sanji just let him talk. Hearing that, he said in response, "Show me how to get to the stars."
"You want to go to Skypiea?" Luffy asked curiously. "Why? Do you and Enel have unfinished business?"
All of that went over Sanji's head. "No. I think someone is waiting for me. But I don't know how to…get to them."
"Ah, I see!" Luffy said, sounding relieved. "Then we'll find a way! We always find a way! Who is it?"
"First off, I think what matters here is that I need to know how I got here," Sanji said, shifting around. He pulled the phone from his pocket. The plastic around it had saved it from their time underwater. He unwrapped it, and powered it on, biting anxiously at his thumb nail while Luffy stared at the device with an enraptured expression. When he saw the 85% battery charge, he was stunned. But what shocked him even further was the notification of incoming messages. He sat up quickly, knocking Luffy over as the repeated chime chirped until he had new messages.
He was almost afraid to look at them, feeling Luffy straighten up, sitting up directly behind him – did any of these people know personal boundaries? – looking over his shoulder.
'Are you ready?'
'Can't stand looking at you, sometimes.'
'You can be someone else's problem. Kill yourself.'
'Maybe Hell will appreciate your failures, you sorry ass human being.'
'Everyone hates you, you control freak. They won't miss you if you're gone.'
'Fine, maybe someone else in a different universe wants you, because I don't.'
'Have fun sucking Zoro's cock, you cheating dick.'
'I just think it's funny that you'd go to him instead of me. I'm right here in front of you and you can't even get it up.'
'Hang yourself because I don't care.'
'Where are you?'
'I'm sorry for being such an idiot. I wish I was a bttr person.'
'I kno, I'm sorry.'
'I'm trying to stop.'
'I am happy with you! But when you push me away all the time, I feel useless.'
'Zoro?'
'It'll only stop when you stop trying to kill yourself.'
Sanji was numb. These horrible, ugly messages – clearly it was from the night out. Clearly, things were said in the heat of a terrible moment – he dropped the phone in shame, unable to handle the emotion that built up in his throat at that moment. But then he snatched it back up, realizing something horribly important.
The sent messages had all loaded in blue – the replies on the left side of the screen, were still in the process of being retrieved.
It didn't make sense.
He was only seeing one side of the conversation. His side.
He'd been the one to say those horrible things.
This wasn't his phone. It was Law's.
He looked at it in shock, as if he were holding it for the first time. How did he not notice that the black iPhone was Law's? His was the rose gold model.
"Sanji?" he heard Luffy question. His arms wrapped around him, then, in a warm, strong hug. "Hey. Sanji. What is that? Hey. Sanji. HEY."
"How could I have said these terrible things?" Sanji asked on a low whisper, reading through them again. The messages were able to extend a few hours earlier.
'Blue cream, wheat bread, dish soap. The blue, not green,' he'd texted at 2:08 pm.
'Get off work, hurry up, I miss you,' he texted at 4:06 pm.
'Blue or black?' he'd texted at 4:08, a picture of him holding up Law's shirts.
'Black,' he'd texted at 4:08.
He'd sent a picture text of Winnie The Pooh with his head stuck in a honey pot. 'When Booface gets freaky AF.'
Another pic of their living room, sent at 4:39. 'This is how it needs to look when I come back home.'
Another pic of the kitchen, at 4:41, but there were drawings of added food on the counter, spilling from the cupboards, and a dirty sink. 'That sink better be dirty when I come home. I want to see cockroaches. Or just cock. Whichever.'
'NO CADAVER COCK EITHER, BATSARD.' 4:41 pm
'You home, yet? Just checking.' 4:59 pm
'You home? I took the trash out.' 5:02 pm
'Are you home?' 5:04 pm
'Why is it taking you so long to get home?' 5:05 pm
'LOL Forgot you had to get groceries.' 5:05 pm
'Are you ready?' 10:56 pm.
'Can't stand looking at you, sometimes.' 2:50 a.m.
There were replies to nearly every one of them, but they'd yet to be loaded. And when he went through the pictures again, he realized he was only looking at them from Law's point of view, because he had been taking them. They were mostly of them together.
From their first date to last night. Nearly four years of photos. And he saw how he himself changed from a brilliantly smiling man in love to someone who looked like he was trying to make an effort in a smile, but it looked strained and tired. The conclusion he'd reached in that Law wasn't going to ask him to marry him was based off his own expressions in these photos.
He set the phone down and put his face into his hands. For the longest time, he could not speak. All he could see, hear and feel was the pain of his relationship ending; was the loss of not having Law with him, with seeing their love broken down into this violent, ugly mess.
Then he felt Luffy hugging him again, gently patting his head. He'd forgotten the kid was there, looking at everything with him. He might not be able to read the content of the texts, but he'd obviously seen the pictures.
"Don't tell anyone!" he snapped heavily, hearing his own voice tremble as he struggled to speak. "No one else needs to know what's happening."
"It's okay. Sanji. Whatever is happening right now, it's something that's hurting you. I would not take it lightly if it were something used against you in any way," Luffy said with confidence. "If this is what's happening in your world, then it's okay. I don't care that it's kinda weird. But it gives you feelings. And it makes sense if you're sad when you talk to him. But I will not tolerate it if someone says something that makes you uncomfortable. So I won't say anything."
For the longest time, Sanji could not say a thing. All he could see imprinted against the backs of his eyelids were those ugly things he'd said to Law. He couldn't even imagine being so horribly drunk that he could text such filth. His heart ached with such pain that he felt short of breath. Luffy held onto him, saying nothing, because there was nothing to say at that moment.
The phone vibrated at that time, startling them both. When Sanji looked at it, there was a new voice message.
He reached down to play it with numb fingers, hearing the scratchy, almost distorted voice of a man singing, 'I've been loving you too long, to stop now…'
The song hit him at the same time the memory did. Without much of a thought, he picked the phone up and hurled it away from him with a shocked scream, and it was only Luffy's quick reaction and his extending arm that he caught it. Sanji pushed away from him, and ran out from the room, unable to breathe in such a small space. Luffy hollered after him in panic, but Sanji ran out onto the deck, and he jumped over the railing.
Once in the comforting space of the sea, he couldn't stop himself from screaming. The air bubbles that left him emerged as brilliant marbles, drifting aimlessly away from him. He tried to shut his eyes, to block out the memories that drifted back to him, but they unfolded over his thoughts with uncaring weight.
'I don't like this song,' he said.
'I needed to hear it again.'
'Turn it off. I hate it. It has nothing to do with us.'
'Listen, I had all night to think about things,' Law said, slurring his words slightly, reaching down to straighten his bowtie, his collar. 'It just needs to be us, again. Just us.'
'That's fine, but – I hate this song, turn it off! It's making you weird…'
Sanji felt very uneasy at that point. There were things said between them that needed to be addressed, but Otis Redding was begging for his love not to go, and it gave Sanji an uncomfortable feeling in his gut.
There was no way.
He was not dead.
He was not dead, this was only half a memory.
There was no way that things had turned this violent, this wretched over one night.
He couldn't believe he'd sent those texts.
But this memory was a new one, and it filled him with fear, apprehension and ugly awareness.
He could feel the man's hands around his throat, and it wasn't right. There was no way Law would ever hurt him that way. He would never do this to him. He was alive, he felt pain, he felt emotion, he could breathe –
He stilled. He remembered everyone pointing out that he wasn't smoking. He smoked. He smoked like a damn chimney. But he hadn't had a cigarette since he'd arrived her. and these air bubbles – they were marble.
He looked up at them, awareness dawning on him.
He wasn't dead.
He wasn't dead.
Law did not kill him.
Law would not do that to him!
'I'm so sorry, I don't know what I was thinking.'
'You weren't, that's the problem.'
He jerked once he realized the steely grip on his arm, and looked up as Zoro yanked at him impatiently. The world around him swirled, almost violently. Sanji pulled back, but that grip definitely belonged to something inhuman. The stars around him shifted with such violence that it was almost as if he were falling backwards, and when Zoro turned to swim back to the surface, the stars seemed to blur and shift, pulling away from him.
Sanji struggled, pulling back, needing to be in that comfort of silence and serenity, but Zoro pull him through the water with solid strokes, and the world around Sanji shivered, and finally they broke through the surface.
"LET GO MORON! LET GO! LET ME STAY THERE! I NEED TO STAY THERE!" Sanji screamed as soon as his head broke the waters, and Zoro cringed and winced as Sanji beat on him, trying to return to the depths. But the man was made out of something that wasn't human, because nothing Sanji did stopped him from picking him up from the water, from climbing the rope ladder. "I don't want to be here! I want to go home! I need to go home!"
"Calm down, idiot, whatever's happening right now couldn't be that terrible! You're making it difficult for everyone right now!"
"No! No I need to go back! I need to go back home! This isn't right! None of this is right I need to go home!" Sanji yelled, looking back at the water with dismay.
"Chopper! Get him something!"
"NNNOOO - !"
He stilled, silencing immediately. He could still hear that song. Luffy had his phone in his hand, and that horrible wretched song was still playing.
"TURN IT OFF!" he screamed as Zoro neared them. "TURN OFF THAT SONG! TURN IT OFFFFFF!"
"I don't know how!" Luffy cried in a panic, as Sanji's rising anxiety grew.
"TURN IT OFF!"
"AHHHHHH!" Luffy screamed, the cellphone bouncing in his hands as he flailed, panicking as Sanji began reaching for it, the rest of the crew reacting to the scene with varying degrees of panic themselves.
Finally, Robin snatched it out of Luffy's hand, examined the options, and pressed 'pause'. At the cessation of the melancholic song, Sanji wilted over Zoro's shoulder, trying to repress the rising screams that he wanted to release. He just held onto the man with both hands curled into his unmoving muscle – what was he made out of, exactly – and struggled to breathe. Chopper ran up with a syringe, jabbing it into his thigh without warning, and Sanji straightened in Zoro's grasp to swat at him, but the drug was fast acting.
The last he heard was, 'I love you, I need you in my life. I'm so sorry…'
: :
When he woke, it was dark. And his head pounded with a terrible headache, his eyes felt swollen. His throat raw. He felt liked he'd cried for days. The gentle sway of the ocean made him sick, but he wasn't sure if it were truly that, or just the new memories, the revelation of those text messages. His heart and soul ached with heavy pain, and there was no possible way to take it away.
He rubbed his chest, and felt moments from breaking. He might've been unable to hold back a whimper, but as soon as he heard it, it didn't take much to have his eyes fill with tears, for his mouth to crumble. The force of it hit him with such strength that he was powerless to hold it back any longer. For a few moments, he eked noises of mourning before screaming to release it from his chest.
He didn't want to believe that something terrible had happened.
This wasn't just a bad relationship problem; something happened that night, that morning to take one's life away. He refused to believe that his live-in, the love of his life, the man he wanted to spend every day with killed him. He refused to believe that he was dead. He didn't think he was dead – if he were, why wake up here?
Why wake up with these horrible memories?
That song, that despicable, miserable song – Law only listened to it at his lowest.
He wiped his face. He wasn't dead. He was alive, if he could feel such pain. Dead people couldn't feel this much pain.
"Come back!" he heard himself say morosely. "Come back! COME BACK! Come bbbbaaccckkkkk - ! It needs to be just us, it's only us, now!"
The door opened slowly, and Chopper peeked in with large teary eyes. "Sanji, please, let me give you something – "
"No. Let it go, " Law told him firmly, startling Sanji. The man was sitting nearby, almost one with the shadows at the corner of the room. Just seeing him caused tears to spill over his cheeks, for the pain to hit him again.
"COME BAACCKKK!" he couldn't help but say again, not even knowing why he was saying it.
"But it could help - !" Chopper argued, eyes spilling with his own sympathy.
"Sometimes, you need to let the pain run its course. Delaying it does nothing but extend it, Mr Tony," Law said patiently, over Sanji's broken sobs.
"I'm not dead! I'm not!"
Chopper didn't like it, but he himself was unable to stand listening to those mournful cries. He sniffled hard and retreated, closing the door behind him. Just beyond him were seven faces with varying stages of melancholic expression, and Ussop was running out of tissue.
"I need to wake up! I need to go home – I need to go home, these things don't make any sense!" Sanji cried. "I need to go home and make sure he's there! I need to go hooommmmmeeeee!"
Law knew there was nothing he could say to comfort the man in any way. He looked over at him, sitting slowly in the chair against the corner of the room. He knew he was the only one that could be here at this moment – the Strawhats' nearby presence was expected. If one were suffering, then all of them would share that pain. If Sanji needed them, they were there, ready to provide. Only it was a strange situation – this one wasn't their friend. He was just a stranger wearing their friend's skin.
He reached into his jacket pocket for the device Luffy had been carrying around for Sanji. There was a text bubble visible on the screen, and it would vibrate and flash, but he had no idea what it said. The language wasn't something he was familiar with.
Some minutes later, Sanji must have heard it. he lifted his head, where he was sitting hunched over, gripping the sheets. He looked over with a sniff, blinking swollen eyes. Law stood and walked it over to him, holding it out. Once Sanji took it, he read the front.
'…I've read your messages over a thousand times, and I've come to the conclusion that both of us can't continue on with this farce.'
Law's replies were loaded on the message board. Wiping his nose with the back of his hand, Sanji scrolled through what he hadn't been able to read, before. After he was done, he powered the phone down. He put it atop of the stand nearby. Then he stared up at the ceiling for the longest time in silence, unable to say or think anything else.
'Send me a list.' 1:34 pm
'Blue cream, wheat bread, dish soap. The blue, not green,' 2:08 pm
'Vanilla coffee creamer, blue dish soap. Got it.' 2:09 pm
'Get off work, hurry up, I miss you.' 4:06 pm
'Blue or black?' 4:08 pm
'Black,' 4:08 pm
'Blue!' 4:16 pm
'When Booface gets freaky AF.'
'When Booface looks for his phone in the trash.'
'This is how it needs to look when I come back home.' 4:39 pm
'That sink better be dirty when I come home. I want to see cockroaches. Or just cock. Whichever.' 4:41 pm
'NO CADAVER COCK EITHER, BATSARD.' 4:41 pm
'Aw, but I have one just waiting to be used. And most people like a clean kitchen.' 4:43 pm
'You home, yet? Just checking.' 4:59 pm
'No.' 5:01 pm
'You home? I took the trash out.' 5:02 pm
'Still no.' 5:02 pm
'Are you home?' 5:04 pm
'Negatory.' 5:04 pm
'Why is it taking you so long to get home?' 5:05 pm
'LOL Forgot you had to get groceries.' 5:05 pm
'Dumb ass.' 5:14 pm
'Are you ready?' 10:56 pm
'Can't stand looking at you, sometimes.' 2:50 am
'I c that.' 2:50 am
'You can be someone else's problem. Kill yourself.' 2:51 am
'What a shitty thing to say.' 2:51 am
'Maybe Hell will appreciate your failures, you sorry ass human being.' 2:51 am
'Maybe you should go there with me, you drunk piece of shit.' 2:52 am
'Everyone hates you, you control freak. They won't miss you if you're gone.' 2:52 am
'We should just go our seprate ways, Sanji. This is too much.' 2:52 am
'Fine, maybe someone else in a different universe wants you, because I don't.' 2:52 am
'No one in their right mind would want you back, you glutton ape.' 2:52 am
'Have fun sucking Zoro's cock, you cheating dick.' 2:53 am
'NO ONE'S CHEATING!' 2:54 am
'I just think it's funny that you'd go to him instead of me. I'm right here in front of you and you can't even get it up.' 2:54 am
'Look in the mirror, you ugly fuck.' 2:54 am
'Hang yourself because I don't care.' 2:55 am
'Answer your phone. 2: 59 am
I'm serious, answer your phone. 3:00 am
I'm sorry, please answer your phone. 3:01 am
please answer. 3:02 am
Let me be a better person to you. We can do this together. 3:02 am
Why aren't you answering? Pick up. 3:03 am
I love you, I need you in my life. I'm so sorry. 3:05 am
PICK UP!' 3:06 am