Our Hearts' Sorrow

Tatsuki turned back the handle of the faucet and stared silently at the water droplets that dripped to the floor as the water stopped flowing. Her damp, jet-black hair fell into her eyes, leaving trails of water creeping down her face. But even that wasn't enough to mask the mingling salty tears that trickled along her cheekbones.

She cried out and slammed her fist against the ceramic tiles of the shower. She knew she had no right to be angry with him, that what had happened had been completely out of his hands… but there was still a part of her that only desired something to blame, to find some reason for the horrible tragedy.

"You were supposed to keep her safe! Dammit, Ichigo, you made me think it all would be okay!"

Her shoulders shook as she slid down against the wall of the shower. She sobbed and scolded herself for blaming Ichigo when she knew he was in even worse pain.

As if from some vivid nightmare, she could remember every aspect of his heartrending return. His clothes were tattered and worn and his face was covered in debris and smeared blood. Tatsuki could remember feeling her heart sink as she saw the lifeless body of her best friend lying in his arms, her arms dangling limply at her sides and her pale face stained with crimson and tears. But even worse was the expression on his face, one that would forever be engraved in her mind.

His eyebrows were knitted together as if he were in unimaginable pain and his partially opened lips quivered as if he were trying, unsuccessfully, to say something. But what had frightened her the most was his horrified, yet unfocused gaze. His bloodshot chocolate-brown eyes stared lifelessly ahead, as if he was unable to see anything in front of him but the moment of Orihime's death.

Tatsuki was unable to restrain herself from sprinting down the street to frantically cry over Orihime's body. Without a word, Ichigo laid the auburn beauty on the ground and disappeared. That was the last that anyone had seen of him.

After Rukia and the others explained everything that had happened, it came as no surprise when he didn't show at the funeral. Ichigo would never be able to face those who had cared about Orihime, not when he believed that he was the one who had taken her away from them. Tatsuki remembered that in that short moment, she'd wondered if he would ever be able to forgive himself for what happened. But she knew the answer. It would be no different than his reaction to his mother's death.

Tatsuki couldn't bear the thought of witnessing that same lost and lonely Ichigo that she'd known those six years ago. All this time she'd begun to hope that he was getting closer to finding the happiness that had died along with his mother. She knew he would never revert back to the smiling, goofy kid that she'd met when they were four, no that happy Ichigo was gone… But in spite of that, she always felt like Orihime had brought out the best in him; he smiled more and was beginning to open up, rather than isolating himself from everything with that same discouraging scowl. But all hope of him being happy again was shattered the moment he felt his own hand tighten around her throat when he lost control to his hollow. All he'd wanted was to become strong enough to protect his friends from the agony that he'd known for so long… but he was never strong enough to protect them from the darkness growing within himself.

Tatsuki shuddered, knowing that that pain was more than any one person could bear. What was he thinking now…?

A few days after the accident, the orange-haired shinigami pulled open the door to Urahara's shop and walked in without a word. Outside, rain clouds were beginning to gather and he knew he would have to make this quick if he were to make it before the storm hit. He'd been wandering aimlessly around town trying to clear his head, but finally decided that it was about time he went back home. He'd worried his family enough already. He found his body lying in one of the screened-in rooms, right where Urahara had put it when he first left for Hueco Mundo. He merged back with it and turned to leave without waking anyone.

"Not even going to say 'hi' then?" Kisuke stood against the wall of the hallway with his striped hat shadowing over his eyes. "You know, everyone's been looking for you. You should probably go down to the training grounds so they know you're still in one piece."

"I'm just going home, Kisuke," Ichigo responded without so much as looking up.

"Well, it's up to you, but I should tell you that nobody's really in any fit state at the moment. Ms. Kuchiki, in particular, has been taking everything fairly hard. I think it'd be best if you at least tried to exchange a few words."

"Tell them I'm sorry for leaving them hanging, but I can't stay here."

"Suit yourself."

Ichigo walked out into the small courtyard outside the store, but stopped when he heard some footsteps coming from behind him. He turned to see Rukia glowering at him as she tried to catch her breath.

"So you're just going to avoid everyone, is that it? You think that will make it all go away?" she snapped.

"Rukia, I'm not in the mood for this. I'm not dead or anything, so quit worrying about me."

"Oh, so I'm just supposed to sit back while you tear yourself apart, then? Do you think Orihime would do that?"

"Don't talk about her," Ichigo responded, a slight menacing tone lacing his words.

"She existed, Ichigo. And she's a part of this."

"Just buzz off, Rukia."

It was enough to set her off, and the raven-haired shinigami quickly threw a fist his way. He blocked the punch midair and knocked her hand away. "I'm trying to help you, you idiot!" she screamed. Her eyes were bloodshot with fatigue.

"I don't want any help."

"You can't keep doing this to yourself, Ichigo!"

"Well that's rich, coming from you. You damn well almost let yourself get executed because you thought I was dead."

"And you had the good sense to call me an idiot! Don't you dare try to play the hypocrite card with me!" Ichigo was suddenly shoved against a wall as violet eyes glared back at him. "So help me, Ichigo, I'm going to knock some sense into that moronic brain of yours!"

"I already told you I don't want your help!" Ichigo spat back.

"And why the hell not?"

"Because I took Orihime away from everyone! You, Uryu, Chad, Tatsuki- there isn't a single person that hasn't been hurt by it! I promised I'd protect her, Rukia! I promised!" In a split second, his expression had changed from one of frustration to guilt-ridden agony. He continued to raise his voice- the pain in his words was unbearable. He was breaking, shattering. "I nearly ripped you guys to shreds! I-I-"

His shoulders shook and he covered his face with his hand, muscles completely tensed, as he drew in uneven breaths. Rukia stood speechless. There was no way to console him. Grief… depression … words like those couldn't even begin to describe the scene in front of her.

His head jerked back up just long enough for her to catch a glimpse of his glassy, bloodshot eyes. "I KILLED HER!" he screamed. Without wasting a second he rushed past her and out of sight.

He could hear Rukia calling after him, but he kept running. He needed to go somewhere, anywhere. But there wasn't a single thing that didn't make him think of Orihime. Overhead, the rain was beginning to fall in large drops. He was running down the street where they had run side-by-side to rescue Rukia. He turned abruptly and started down a dark alley.

"I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you, Ichigo… I'm so glad that you're alright… You have such a good heart, Ichigo…" He tore through the alley at a dizzying pace. "Come on then, Ichigo, join in with me!... That's what the Ichigo I know would say to her!..." He hit a slick spot and fell face-first onto the puddle-ridden ground. The raindrops were now pounding onto the back of his head as he staggered to his feet. "Just please don't let yourself get hurt anymore!... If they still believe in you, then you must have something worth believing in…"

Ichigo cried out as he grabbed a nearby rock and chucked it through the window of an abandoned building. His shoulders were shaking as he collapsed to his knees. He was now choking back tears and the rain plastered his fiery orange hair against his face. If this was how it was going to be all the time, he wouldn't be able to take it much longer. In some ways, it hurt worse than when his mother had died. The harshest blows came from the knowledge that he was the one who had taken her away, and that for the entire time since he'd known her, he'd taken her for granted.

As he slumped against a nearby dumpster, he thought about how he was never going to see her smiling at lunch with a big happy smile on her face. She wouldn't sit next to him at Urahara's center table. He wouldn't see her looking out the window during class. She wouldn't be there for him after his battles. All of it was gone. He could practically feel the emptiness growing inside him.

Suddenly, the back door of the building swung open, and four darkly clad thugs walked into the alley. One of them, a man with a charcoal grey beanie pulled down to his eyebrows, spotted Ichigo sitting by the dumpster.

"Hey, you! Did you just try to trash our place?" he snarled.

Ichigo ignored him and turned his head away.

"I asked you a question!"

"Bite me," Ichigo muttered.

"What did you just say?" He stormed towards Ichigo and yanked him up by his shirt collar. "You got a death wish, kid?"

Ichigo simply stared back at him. The man scowled and threw him to ground. Ichigo grunted as he skidded across the concrete, scraping and bruising his bare arms.

"Boys, show the punk why he shouldn't wander our streets at night."

With hardly any time to spare, Ichigo found himself being pummeled from all angles. Fists sailed towards his face and he gasped for air as one of the men stomped on his chest. But as painful as it was, he couldn't find it in him to fight back. All he could think about was Orihime. He just wanted to see her again, to tell her how much he loved her, how much he needed her.

His body was reaching the end of its limits and the taste of blood was strong in his mouth. Within a few minutes, he was kicked onto his stomach and found himself drifting into a welcomed state of unconsciousness.

"Ichigo… Ichigo please eat something." Yuzu and Karin stood outside the door to their older brother's room. The night before, their father had found him lying in the streets, covered in blood and bruises from a fight. They had helped in cleaning and bandaging his wounds, but after that, he had shut himself up in his room, refusing to talk or even eat.

"Ichigo, please…"

"Come on, Yuzu. Let's just leave him alone."

"B-but Karin-" the young blonde-haired girl whimpered.

"You two go downstairs and eat your dinner," Isshin said as he climbed the last few steps of the staircase. "I'm going to have a word with your brother."

The two girls nodded and headed to the kitchen while Isshin knocked lightly on the door, an act that was a rarity for him. "I'm coming in, Ichigo."

As the door creaked open, the light from the hallway flooded the front half of the room. Isshin could just barely make out the outline of Ichigo as he lay facing away from the door. "You're worrying your sisters, you know. At the very least, you could eat a little to ease their minds a bit." The boy didn't move. Isshin rubbed the back of his neck and sighed. "I know you miss her, son, and I'm sorry you have to go through this again. When your mother di-"

"It's not the same."

Isshin stopped and stared at his son who was still lying motionless on his bed.

"It's not the same at all. I wanted to help her but I wasn't strong enough." He cried out and slammed his fist down on the bed. "What's the point in working so hard if I still can't do a damn thing right?"

"If that's how you really feel, then I've failed you as a father." Ichigo sat up and stared back at his father with fatigued eyes. "You expect too much of yourself and nothing of others. You aren't the only one involved, Ichigo. You need to snap out of it and realize that you aren't responsible for the world's problems and that you can't stop them either. Try your damndest to help those who are close to you and don't look back on things with regret. That's the son I raised."

"Well that son's been letting a lot of people down lately… I got her involved in my problems. She even said she was sorry for what happened. She didn't do anything wrong! She was just trying to-"

"It sounds like she felt the same as you."

Ichigo inhaled a shaky breath as his father stood up and headed towards the door. "You couldn't bear having her worry about you, but did you ever think that she was feeling the same way? Think about what she'd say to you now…"

He closed the door again and Ichigo was swallowed back into the dark of his room. From outside, the pale moonlight was beginning to creep through a gap in between the curtains. He laid back down on his stomach and peeked up at the night sky. As he waited for sleep to take him, he couldn't help but notice how much dimmer the moon seemed tonight, sitting in the middle of the starless pitch-black sky. In his last few conscious thoughts, he sympathized with the moon, wishing the sun would shine brighter on the other side so that the moon could illuminate the town and remove the grim sensation that hung in the air.

A/N: You know, sometimes I think I'm a little too mean to Ichigo in these things... But hey, at least I can promise that I'll show him some manner of happiness in the near future. :/