Chapter 12

Christian POV

Another sleepless night! Taylor still hasn't told me if he got a hold of Flynn. I sure hope that Flynn will come back. I can't do this by myself. There is so much to do. I am a fuckhead. That is a fact. That is not what Flynn calls self-loathing.

I've made a list of things that I need to fix and I really want Flynn to see it and help me achieve my goal. This has to be my priority. If there is any hope what so ever of me ever being happy I have to succeed. Flynn always told me I wasn't willing to do the work. Well, I'm rolling up my sleeves and ready to do whatever I have to do.

Taylor breaks my train of thought, but what he says makes me want to fist bump him. "Sir, excuse me, but I reached Dr. Flynn and he said he could see you at noon. He would prefer to meet you here. Should I confirm that with him?" "Yes, Jason, please confirm. I know it is Sunday and Gail is off, but could ask her if she would prepare light refreshments and just leave them on the table in front of the sofa in the great room." "I'm sure Gail won't mind doing that, but if there is a problem I will let you know."

I have to get my list finished and make a copy of Linda's letter. I want Flynn to have both. I am going to meet with him in the great room. No more behind closed doors. I have to be open to what he has to say. No better place than in an open space. Too much of my life has been lived in the dark and behind closed doors. It is time for that to change.

I took a shower and shaved. I was shocked at what I saw in the mirror. I need to get some sleep. I almost put a suit on, but caught myself. This isn't business, this is personal. I went with jeans and a sweater. It's almost noon. I better get moving.

Just as I get to the foyer, I hear the elevator and see Jason waiting for it to open. I notice the refreshments on the table. I nod at him and he nods back. Just then the elevator opens.

"Dr. Flynn, welcome" I say as I extend my hand. He shakes my hand as he says "Mr. Grey". We both burst out laughing. We haven't been that formal in years. But I guess it was a great ice breaker.

I lead him to the sofa and tell him to help himself to the refreshments.

"J, can I still call you that?" I wait before proceeding, he nods in the affirmative. "J thanks for coming today. I am in trouble and I really need your help. I trust you. You know my history. J I have to fix myself. I need to become a grown-up in my personal life." Wow, I got that out. J is just sitting there staring at me.

"Christian, I have been waiting for this day for years. I think you finally realize that you have to want to change in order to change. You had made strides towards that during your time with Ana. But that day you told me you were divorcing Ana and didn't hear a thing I said to you I knew our time was over."

Please don't say that you won't help me. That is all I can think right now. I would normally blurt out some bullshit, but I sit silently waiting for the next shoe to drop.

"I realized that you just wanted me to be one more person who told you were right. I couldn't do that. You weren't right. You were going to destroy your life as you knew it an in the process destroy another person, Ana. I could not and would not condone that. You were lost to me that day. Now, if you are willing to listen and work, and not want to hear that you are always right, I am willing to help you. What do you think about that?"

I let out a breath that I didn't realize I was holding. Thank God! J will help me. He is so right, how can it be that I didn't see it. I only ever wanted him to help me justify all my actions. When he didn't I got pissed off, which meant I was pissed off a lot. During my time with Ana I wasn't as bad, because most of the time he was right and I had Ana to keep me on track. I notice J shifting in his seat. Oh, I have to answer him.

"J, when do we start?"

Flynn POV

Taylor called this morning and told me that Christian still wanted to see me. He told me he was calling him Jason and that he actually asked Gail to fix refreshments and he understood that it was her day off and she wouldn't do it was okay. Taylor was floored. I can't say I don't blame him. This is not the Christian I knew. I told Jason I would see him at noon and to call if anything changed.

I will not play games with this man again. He wanted me as a yes man. He always wanted me to agree with him, I didn't and then he would get pissed off or just totally shut down. He was the most frustrating patient I have ever had.

That day, that he told me he was divorcing Ana, and all of his reasons I lost it. I knew where this was really coming from and tried my damndest to make him hear me. When I realize he wasn't listening I told him to leave my office and to never come back. I told him his calls would be rejected and if I never saw him again in my life time I wouldn't be sorry. I know that part wasn't very professional, but I had reached the very end of my rope with him.

Jason and I have been in touch over the years. Poor Jason, he should be put up for sainthood. I have gotten some information about Christian over the past years, and it appears I have helped Jason keep his sanity.

I had my speech all prepared that I was going to give Christian. This could be the shortest meeting he and I have ever had.

When I walked in, there was tension emanating from Christian. He was quite formal so I followed suit, but then we both started laughing. I immediately noticed he relaxed. I noticed he looked, like hell, but he was not disheveled and he was dressed casually. No business attire, not even business casual. He led me to the sofa in the great room and not his study. He asked to call me J, something he just fell into and I actually enjoyed the nick-name.

What he said to me shocked me. I never would have expected to hear those words from. He has finally come around and realizes that he needs to change, and most importantly he wants to change. I truly believe him. This time, I think he will succeed.

He gave me a copy of the letter Linda left for him. He also had a list of what he called things he wanted to fix. I let him talk. I wanted to hear what he had to say and determine where he was at right now in his own mind. I let him catch me up on the last 5 years, since the last time we spoke. I was impressed that he didn't return to the BDSM life-style. It was shocking that he has remained celibate. I also was intrigued as to why. I made a note to discuss that with him at a future session.

He seemed to be tiring, and by his looks, he needed sleep. I asked him how he wanted to his handle his sessions with me. Did he want to come to my office or would he prefer we met here, at his home. Not something I would normally do, but, I sense something different about him in this open space, and my gut was telling me it might be more productive to continue our sessions here. He was appreciative of me asking and asked if it would be a problem for me to come here. This was a new demeanor. Not sure how long it will last, but we shall remain positive. I told him I wanted to see him every day next week. We both agreed that he would be my last patient of the day, so I would meet him here at 6 every night. While I was there he emailed Andrea and had his scheduled cleared of anything past 5. We shook hands, and then he grabbed me into a man hug. I was speechless.

I went back to my office because I needed to read this letter and wanted to look over the list that Christian I had made. I wanted to prepare my patient plan.

Linda was a true friend to Christian and very wise. It amused me that she set tasks for him to complete. The most shocking one was that he must make amends to Ana. She hit the nail on the head about his guilt. His self-loathing must have been in overdrive these past few years. Now I know why he is ready to listen. Yes, he will succeed.

His list was a series of questions. We could work with this.

Why didn't I go home that day? Why did I want to alone and not with Ana?

Why am I so consumed about keeping everyone I care about safe?

Why do I over react and feel guilty when I fail at keeping people safe?

Why do I keep secrets from people I love? Can I learn to be honest?

Why do I feel I have to always be in CEO mode and control people? Can I stop?

Why do I consistently hurt the people who love me and care about me?

How can I ever make amends to Ana? Should I even try?

Christian knows the answers to most of these questions. I am so looking forward to using them with him. He just needs a refresher course on all the years we have worked together. Behavior modification may be a bit harder for him. He really does need to learn how and when to be Christian Grey CEO and how and when to be just Christian. During his marriage to Ana, he was slowly learning this important lesson. He would have succeeded if he would have stayed. Ana was the best thing to happen to Christian. This time around there is no Ana. My job just became a bit harder.

Ana POV

I am cooking for the week like I do every week. I checked my schedule next week and I have nothing in the evenings. So, I had Luke take me to the grocery store, since I missed the market yesterday. I told Luke we would be eating in every night next week, and I thought he was going to hug me to death. Luke and I eat dinner together. We have been doing that for the last 5 years. He can't cook a lick and I hate to eat alone, so it just makes sense. Luke is like the big brother I never had. His first priority of course is my safety and he is very good at his job. But over the years he has become more than just an employee. Yes, brother sister is the right way to describe our relationship now.

I am making lasagna as surprise for Luke. I haven't made it for the past 5 years. It just brought back to many horrible memories. But every time we go out to eat, if it is on the menu Luke orders it and then tells me that it not as good as mine. He makes me laugh every time.

Over the past few years I have reclaimed many things I felt I lost during Christian or post Christian. Some big ones, like self worth, lost that one post Christian. Now a little one, making lasagna again.

I know as soon as Luke smells it baking; he is going to be in the kitchen wanting to eat it now. Laughing out loud, dancing to the music playing on the IPod, and cooking. Life is good.