"Chakotay…I,"
She paused, taking in to account everything she was feeling. This included endless love for the man who knelt before her, but also gut-wrenching guilt for the other man whom she had left in sickbay a few short hours ago.
"I want to say yes," she said, the tears filling in her eyes.
"Then say it. Kathryn, I love you more than anything,"
"I love you too, but…" her heart was physically breaking under the pressure.
"But you're conflicted about Paris," he said getting up off the ground.
"For three months we were together, we got married. We were going to be a family. Suddenly I wake up to find that none of that was real. I know that you're real, and I know that I love you, but this is all such a mess, and I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want,"
"You mean you don't know who you want,"
She was silent, unsure of what to say or how to respond.
"I think…I shouldn't have sprung this on you. Kathryn, I know you love me, I know we can be happy together. I won't accept an answer right now, but promise me that you'll think about it,"
"I promise,"
"Hey, stop crying. There's been enough of that for a lifetime, don't you think?" he said.
"I didn't bring you here to make you upset, I brought you here to spend time with me, to remember more vividly the time we spent together. I thought we could go for a walk, and maybe after that, we could relax in front of the fire. Later we could try and pay your little monkey friend a visit," he suggested, trying to lighten the mood.
"You did not create a holo monkey!" she laughed.
"I very much did, just as pesky too. I really went for authenticity,"
She laughed, harder than she had laughed in days. The two walked out the door and went on their way.
The next morning, Neelix announced that there would be a party in the mess hall celebrating the triumphant return of their Captain and Lieutenant. The attire would be formal, there would be cake and champagne, and all the favorite foods of both people being celebrated.
Upon hearing the news, B'Elanna walked down the corridor confidently. When she reached his quarters, she took a nervous breath, scolding herself for behaving like a schoolgirl. She rang the chime and was immediately granted access.
"B'Elanna, I was just about to find you," he said.
"Well, I saved you the need. I actually came here to ask…if you'd be my date to the party tonight? And before you hesitate and think about whether the captain would be upset, I already heard she'd be attending with Chakotay,"
He paused, careful not to let his anger or jealousy about her last statement show, but it was difficult. He thought for a moment that if she was going with Chakotay it would only be fair that he go with B'Elanna.
"I'd be honored," he said.
"Great, pick me up around 1900 hours," she said.
"I'll be there,"
A few hours later, Kathryn looked at her body in the mirror. It had been a long and emotionally tiring day. After they left the holodeck, Chakotay asked if she would attend the party with him later that night. She accepted with little hesitation but mentally screamed that she shouldn't have done that. Tom might become upset, but she felt so horrible about the proposal earlier that she knew she couldn't say no to such a simple request.
During their conversation in the program, she attempted several times to broach the subject of the baby, but he stopped her each time, saying that they should talk about other things.
So there she was, getting ready for a party, partly in her name. So many problems could arise, but the only one she was concerning herself with in that moment was finding a dress that fit. Her breasts had become bigger, along with her stomach. While she wasn't much bigger than her original size, it was enough of a change that most of her clothes needed adjusting. In a moment of frustration, she actually tore one dress while trying to remove it.
Finally, she gave in and replicated something new before any more fashion casualties occurred. The dress was strapless and floor-length, and made of some sort of soft velvet. It hugged every curve and was sexy without being inappropriate. She was the captain after all. She pinned her hair loosely, allowing a few curls to frame her face. Her makeup was done simply, and she felt beautiful, but one look in the mirror and suddenly the voice in her head started to tell her otherwise. She thought that maybe it was too much, or not enough, or that her stomach was too far out. Normally she was a confident woman, aware of her appearance, but that night for some reason, she second-guessed everything.
She was so caught up, that she hadn't heard the chime ring. Chakotay got worried by her lack of answer, so he punched in the override. He walked back into the bedroom area and immediately had his breath taken away by the woman standing in front of the mirror. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes upon. Her hands were rubbing her stomach, as her eyes searched her own body, scrutinizing every detail.
"You look incredible," his voice frightened her.
"I didn't hear you come in," she said.
"I chimed twice with no answer, I got worried so I let myself in,"
"Oh,"
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"Nothing…just…do I really look ok?" her voice carried so much uncertainty and insecurity.
"You look more than ok," he said.
"I should've put something looser on, it's so obvious that I'm pregnant when I wear this,"
"Kathryn, You look beautiful in what you have on. The crew is going to be supportive of your pregnancy, no one will treat you differently. Besides, you can't hide it for very much longer. I say we rip this band-aid off..together,"
"You're right," she nodded.
"I know. Now let's get going before you're late to your own party,"
The mess hall was bright and lively. Everyone was bubbling with excitement to see the guests of honor.
As soon as the doors opened, Tom and B'Elanna were met with cheers and applause. Harry even managed to throw a large bin of confetti at the pair, who became both full of anger and laughter.
As they settled in and started conversations with old friends, the doors opened again. This round of cheering was even bigger than the last, and Tom took a moment to take in the image before him. She was gorgeous, and his mind drifted to all those nights by her side, their first kiss, their first time together, their wedding.
The cheering in the room turned to delightful surprise when several crew members noticed the captain's hand over her rounded stomach. Many of them threw in congratulations as they cheered. She simply laughed and stared in amazement at her incredible crew, thanking them for their kind words.
As the excitement wound down, Chakotay held out his hand and asked her to dance. She quickly accepted and they made their way out to the middle of the floor.
Other couples soon joined, but Kathryn's eyes remained on one.
As Tom swayed with B'Elanna in his arms, he couldn't help but steal a quick glance from across the room. Right away, he noticed that she was staring back, tears threatening to fall from her eyes.
B'Elanna looked at Tom and knew exactly where he was staring and why. In a split second decision, she turned his face towards her and kissed him passionately. He pulled back after a few seconds, to see Kathryn running out the door and a shellshocked Chakotay standing alone in the middle of the dance floor. Some of the crew stopped dancing, observing the scene with confusion and interest.
"What the hell was that B'Elanna," he said angrily.
"What? I thought that you…that we were…."
"I said I have a lot to figure out, Kathryn too. Throwing yourself at me in front of her…what were you trying to accomplish?"
He started walking away.
"Tom, wait!"
But he didn't, he kept on walking.
She kept her head down and her pace quick until she found somewhere she could be alone. It was an empty cargo bay, the only light came through a few viewports. Kathryn walked over to and looked out, nothing but stars streaking past. Her tears flowed freely. She felt foolish, confused, and angry. She wanted to move on, she wanted her old life back, she wanted to marry Chakotay and be a family, but when she saw Tom kiss B'Elanna….
The familiar hiss of the doors let her know that her time alone was up.
"You ok?" Tom asked gently.
She chuckled sarcastically.
"I think you know I'm not, or else you wouldn't be here," she answered.
There was a silence as he stood next to her. Neither knew what to say.
Finally, he broke the silence.
"Do you regret those three months? Do you regret being with me?" He asked.
"No," she answered without hesitation.
"I wouldn't go back, I wouldn't change anything. The time I spent with you was …incredible, but none of it was real. It was all a fantasy, an illusion," she said.
"You said that before, but I don't think that's true. It was real for me. What I felt, what you felt, you can't look me in the eye and honestly say it was fake," he waited, but there was no reply.
"If you could do that, we wouldn't be standing here right now, you wouldn't be so upset," he said.
She still didn't answer him. There was no way she could, he was right.
"Why are you here. Is it because of the kiss?" He asked.
"I have no right to feel jealous, I know that," she said guiltily.
"But we can't help it. When I heard you were coming with Chakotay tonight, I got so angry,"
"We have to stop. We shouldn't be talking about this, we need to move on," she said.
"Move on from what, the fact that I love you?"
"Please, Tom,"
"That we're going to be a family?"
"Tom.." She had to do it, she had to tell him the truth.
"Kathryn, give me one good reason we shouldn't be together,"
There it was, her opening, her chance.
"Because the baby's not yours! It's not yours, it Chakotay's," the words spilled out quicker and angrier than she had intended. The look of hurt on his face made her wish she had been gentler.
"H…how?"
"I was pregnant before we were captured, I didn't know,"
He paused before whispering.
"And do you love him? Do you want to be with him?"
"I think I do. I know that a big part of me does, but there's still this…other part, that belongs to you. I fear it always will,"
"That's how I feel with B'Elanna. I want to be able to give her my whole heart, she deserves nothing less, but I don't know if I can," he said.
"You will. I think what we need is to try and reconnect with them, get to know them better and try to find happiness, but in order for that to work we can't be spending time together,"
"You want to avoid me?" His hurt expression made her heart crumble, but this was a conversation that needed to happen.
"Only for a little while. We'll work different shifts, we'll stay away from each other during our time off. Hopefully, it will be enough to give these relationships a real chance, to give everyone a chance to be happy," she said.
"What if that doesn't work, what if you and I can't find happiness with other people?"
"Then we try finding it together," she said.
"But what if you do and I don't? Or the other way around? Will one of us have to live in suffering seeing the other live happily with someone else?" this was a real and deep fear that both of them had. The pain of being alone, watching the person you love be with someone else it would be unbearable.
"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, but we cannot go into this with that attitude," she said.
"So then this is goodbye," he said sadly.
"Only for a little while," she replied.
He stepped forward, cupping her cheek gently in his hand.
"Goodbye Mr. Paris," she said softly.
"Goodbye Mrs. Paris," he said.
She smiled tearfully, and he pulled her close for one last kiss. It was gentle at first, but seeing as it may never happen again, Tom took the opportunity to show her all the passion and love he had for her. It left her utterly breathless. She felt that nothing would ever break them apart, until something did, or rather someone. The two jumped apart like guilty teenagers only to see Chakotay immediately turn and leave.
Kathryn looked at Tom with a glance he understood to mean she was sorry. He nodded and she ran out the door, almost crashing into B'Elanna on her way.
"Sorry," she yelled, flying past.
B'Elanna looked at Tom, who had since turned to look out the viewport.
"You ok?" She asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine," he replied.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have kissed you like that. It was insensitive, especially to the captain and I don't know why…" her apology was interrupted.
"It's fine B'E, really," he said.
"Something's wrong. What is it, you can tell me," she moved her hand to his shoulder.
"Nothing's wrong, I'm just processing things," it was the truth. That conversation, everything he learned, it was a lot to take in.
When he turned to face her she saw a smudge of lipstick on his lower lip.
"And kissing her, that was part of the process?" She said sarcastically.
"How did you?…" he asked, surprised she knew, but even more surprised she wasn't beating him to a pulp at that moment, he probably deserved it.
"Lipstick, I'm not wearing that shade, but she is, and now so are you," she said, wiping it from his mouth.
"Listen B'E it isn't what you think. We…we were saying goodbye," he explained.
"Goodbye?"
"We want to try and fix things, back the way they were. Kathryn with Chakotay, me with you,"
Her heart ached. She was hoping he would say this to her, but his expression didn't tell her that he was happy.
"Is that what you want?" She asked.
"I think it is…yeah. B'Elanna I love you. You deserve nothing else but to be happy, but it wouldn't be fair unless I told you that I'm not completely over her, I'm trying, but it's not simple,"
"I understand, and I'm willing to be patient with you, but I refuse to be anybody's second choice," she said sternly.
"You will never be my second choice, I just need to focus on remembering what we had and try to rediscover our future together, whatever that looks like,"
"What about when she has the baby? Wouldn't you want to be a couple to raise a child together,"
"It isn't my baby," he said, trying to hide the bitterness from his voice. That might give away how much he wished it was his.
"It isn't?" She asked, confused.
"Apparently she was pregnant before we were taken,"
"Oh," she said, putting the pieces together in her mind.
There was a pause. She wasn't sure what to say.
"Listen, why don't we go back to the party. Then we can go back to our quarters and talk some more," he suggested.
"Our quarters?" She said, surprised.
"Yes. Our quarters. I shouldn't have let you go back to your old ones. Maybe we can talk about getting rid of those, making your stay a permanent one,"
She smiled brightly and nodded. She was at a loss for words.
He took her in his arms and kissed the top of her head.
"I love you," she whispered so genuinely.
"I love you too," he said, and he meant it.
She pulled back from him with a devilish grin.
"Now how about we go dump a whole thing of glitter on Harry to get back at him for that confetti bomb earlier," she suggested.
"You got the glitter?" He asked.
She pulled two vials out of her clutch bag.
"Pink or purple?" She asked.
"Pink, definitely pink," he answered.
The two laughed and made their way back to the party.
Kathryn asked the computer for the location of Commander Chakotay and it quickly told her that he was in his quarters. She started running. Her heart beat fast and her head was spinning, but the only thing that mattered was finding him.
Finally, she made it to his quarters and rang the chime. There was no answer. She rang it again only to be met with the same reply…nothing. Finally, she decided to punch in the override code, but before she got the chance, her vision began to blur. Her hands flew to her head as everything went dark and she collapsed. In her last moments before completely blacking out, she was terrified and praying to whoever was listening, that her daughter would be ok.
Chakotay had heard the chimes and wished she'd just leave. He didn't want to face her. He didn't want to hear how she was sorry but she couldn't marry him because she was in love with someone else. Eventually, the chimes stopped. He waited for her to override the lock, but it never happened. Instead, he heard a thump. His head shot up, but he was unsure what the sound even was. Something in him told him to check outside, the other part of him considered staying and not bothering to look. Against his better judgment, he opened the door.
Immediately his heart dropped into his stomach and he wasted no time rushing over to her. He silently chastised himself for hesitating to open the door at all.
"Kathryn? Wake up!"
He felt for a pulse. It was strong, but beating rapidly.
Her eyes fluttered but never opened. She was not responding to him.
"Commander Chakotay to transporter room one. I'm requesting an emergency transport of the Captain and myself to sickbay,"
"Aye, sir,"
With that, he held his breath as the two of them shimmered out of sight.
Author's Note: Thank you for your opinions, most seem to favor a longer more fleshed out story. That's what I originally intended, but I just wanted to be sure people would be interested in a longer story, I'd hate for people to lose interest. I will post one more chapter this upcoming week and then I will take a small break for finals (I'm so not ready). Thank you for the nice comments. Also I wish creative writing was a final, but you know instead its math and chemistry and all that other fun stuff. Anyway I hope you all liked this chapter, please let me know your thoughts.