For Tali, the realization of what just had happened seemed to come slowly. After Shepard had had to nearly drag her onto the ship, she remained standing motionlessly in the cargo bay. Kal took over command over the Terrin and led the ship's escape from the planet. They got away smoothly, but even that came at a high price: The shuttle had flown away before the landing manoeuvre to distract the geth dropship. Its pilot had known that this was a suicide mission.
Unsure what else to do, Shepard led Tali to the officers' cabin. She followed, but showed no reaction. It was only after some time in the cabin, that first sobs escaped her. And shortly after, all Shepard could do was hold her. With the mission over, the weight of all that had happened came crashing down on Tali. Only after she and Shepard had laid down did she begin to calm down some, but even so she cried herself to sleep.
Waking up again involved a strong reminder of what they had lost. There was nothing awkward about it anymore, like last time they had risen from this berth, since the officers' cabin was empty except for them. But at the same time this fact was a stark reminder of what had happened. Tali was very quiet, but collected. Her movements seemed a bit lethargic, but not aimless.
Even after they had gotten up they stayed close to each other, seeking as much physical proximity and comfort as they could get. Neither one spoke. There simply was nothing to say. They had watched their friends die, but their lives just went on.
It was another sad irony that now they had time for a common breakfast, now that they could not truly enjoy it. Both ate slowly and lethargically, almost mechanically. They sat close to each other and now and then Shepard stroke over Tali's thumb. That was the only form of communication for most of the meal, which happened in complete silence until they had nearly finished it.
Only then did Tali speak up, after a quick look on her omni-tool: "I just checked. Our course for the Migrant Fleet is set. We'll come close to Omega, so I'll arrange a slight detour for you. You should easily be able to find a flight from Omega to the Citadel." Her voice was very flat and monotone.
Shepard suppressed a grimace. The Normandy had been destroyed close to Omega. But he did not want to depress Tali further by reminding her of that. Besides, the station was the centre of the Terminus. It was indeed probably the best place to get transportation to the Citadel.
"I hope this all works out quickly," he stated. "I..." He hesitated, but then said quietly what troubled him: "I feel a bit guilty about leaving you alone like this."
"You know it's necessary," Tali reminded him. "I'll manage. So far I always have."
True, but that's hardly an encouraging thought. You shouldn't have to 'manage' like this. But Shepard doubted Tali would be receptive for such thoughts. She would probably insist that life is not about what one deserves. And as much as he would like to convince her how much she deserved and to hell with what life is about, he did not have the mental energy. Not after what he witnessed some mere hours ago.
Instead he asked: "When do you figure we'll arrive at Omega?"
"Depends," Tali answered. "In three days, maybe only in two. I...I should arrive at the Fleet two days later."
For the first time since the end of the catastrophic Haestrom mission there was some inflexion in Tali's voice. For whatever reason, she did not seem to cherish the thought of returning home.
"I'll tell Goyle to hurry," Shepard stated and staged a miserable attempt at a smile. "I'll wait for you."
"And I'll return to you as soon as I can," Tali answered, "but even so that will take weeks. I should concern myself with what needs to be done now. And now... I should show myself around the ship, lead the crew. But I don't know if I can, after I've failed them."
"Have you?" he asked. "Or was this a foolish suicide mission from the beginning, and you salvaged as much as you could?"
"It was," Tali agreed, "But I don't want to find excuses." Shepard shifted his position, and she leaned back against his chest. "I just... I wished this all had never happened. But this is a foolish wish. I'll have to make the best I can of this miserable situation. So I should take over command of the ship again."
It still took some time for her to find the courage, though. It pained Shepard to see how she had apparently lost all the self-confidence that so far had been so typical for her. Since he had first met her, even when she had been unsure about anything else, she at least had always trusted her abilities. But not anymore, it seemed. This saddened him, but also angered him. Tali's current state was solely the fault of the Admiralty Board. If I ever meet those people...
Finally, she left the officers' cabin. Reluctantly, Shepard stayed behind. She had asked him to, since in her mind it would undermine her authority if she appeared too reliant on him. He could see the logic in that, but he did not like it. All he could do, though, was to provide some emotional support outside her work shifts. He also made sure that for now at least she would not work overtime.
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Tali looked at the datapad in her hands with disdain. Communications with the Fleet had just been reestablished, and her father had wasted no time in giving out new orders, about where, when and by whom she would be debriefed once she had reached the Fleet. He had not even included a personal message for his daughter, even though he knew about the casualties her team had suffered. On the other hand, at least he also ignored her detour for Omega.
She was disappointed. After her talk with Rael before the mission she had held such high hopes that her relationship with him might improve. It really had seemed that he might change his ways. Instead, he now appeared as uncaring as ever. And I'll have to report to him... to the man who had sent her on a suicide mission. The man who was to a large part responsible for Rekem's and Marre's deaths. And who also happened to be her father. The thought made her extremely uncomfortable.
For now, she focused on leading the ship. My collapse after the evacuation was bad enough, after I... After she had witnessed Marre's death. Oh ancestors. I'll never see them again. She started to breathe heavily, but managed to suppress the thought. Everybody on the ship had lost friends and comrades. She could hence not expect others to take over her job. Until she had brought the crew safely back home again she did not have the luxury of mourning.
So now she was doing her second shift on the bridge since the departure from Haestrom. The room was eerily empty. Only a skeleton crew remained to bring them all home. Another reminder of our losses.
It also made noticing other people much easier. Tali looked up from her datapad when she saw somebody moving and spotted Kal. A pang of renewed guilt hit her. It had been him taking over for her after her collapse. He had been forced to carry her burden. She had not seen him on her last shift, so she decided that now was the time to clear matters.
"Ah, Kal, wait" she told him. She approached him close enough to speak quietly: "I wanted to apologize. And thank you. For having taken over for me, when I failed in my duties. I'm sorry."
"No need, ma'am," Kal replied. "It's understandable that you were in no position to lead the ship. Not after having witnessed your friends dying."
"That's no excuse," Tali insisted. "You saw your entire team die, and yet you managed. Only I failed."
"There's a difference," Kal argued. "In a way it's my own damn fault that I got to watch my comrades dying - because I signed up for this job. I volunteered to be a marine, and dying is part of the job. You signed up for nothing, ma'am, you've been forced into this mission. I've come to realize that this makes a great difference."
"Sounds like you talked to Jon," Tali commented.
"It wasn't just him," Kal answered. "Bottom line is, you'd rather be a civilian and that's okay. It's our job as marines to protect civilians, so... that's what I did, in a way."
"This... is an interesting point of view," Tali commented. "I don't think it's one the Fleet shares. Martial law gives the Board the right to draft anybody."
"That's the law and I respect that," Kal stated. "But maybe the law should be adjusted."
"That would be nice," Tali said quietly. She paused for a while before continuing: "How do you manage?"
Kal hesitated. His body stiffened. Finally he sighed and answered: "I don't. Not really. Every time I've slept since then I've woken up sweaty and panicked from nightmares. That's why I've hardly left my cabin since the escape. The former marines' cabin... it's all mine now."
This was a very open admission, but in quarian society that was normal. No secrets between shipmates. When Tali did not reply, he continued: "It was easy enough not to think about it while the pressure was still on us. While we had to fight on Haestrom, and get away. But now it has come all crashing down on me. But... if you want an advice, ma'am, keep your friends in your memory. It might hurt thinking of them, but surely all the good times you had with them will make it worthwhile."
Tali was unsure how to respond to this, so instead she said: "After all we've gone through, I don't think you need to address in a military style every time. Call me Tali."
"I... will work on it, ma'am" Kal promised. He paused. "It'll be good to return home. To see our rusty old ships again."
"Yes," Tali answered unsurely. She was glad for Kal that he could feel that way. For her matters were not that easy.
He picked up on this. "You don't seem overly happy, ma'am... Tali."
How could I? After what her father had told her about board politics, after he had sent them on an unprepared mission to geth space, which had caused the death of her friends, after he had drafted her for that mission, how could she now look forward to seeing him?
"It's... complicated," she answered. "I... I can't tell you everything. It has to do with classified data."
"I see," Kal stated. He sounded concerned.
Now that she had brought up the topic, her worries grew the more she thought about it. It was not even so much that she disliked the idea of seeing her father. She outright dreaded meeting him now. She did not know what she could say to him, or if she could say anything at all to him. He had apologized to her before the mission - but he had let the mission go through, had let her watch Rekem and Marre die. How could she be quiet about this to him? Yet, on the other hand, what could she say to him?
"I... I'm sorry, Kal," she said hastily. "I need to go."
Quickly, she walked, nearly ran, to the officers' cabin.
When she entered, she found Shepard doing physical exercises. He stopped when he saw her and looked up concerned.
"Tali. Is something the matter?" he asked.
"It... it might be," she answered.
He stood up from the ground. "I was already wondering after your last shift. You seemed so... I don't know. Agitated. Erratic."
Tali was a little bit surprised he had noticed, but confirmed: "I was. I am."
"Then please, tell me what's on your mind," Shepard urged her worried. "We'll arrive at Omega during your next shift. Tomorrow, so to speak. And then we'll depart."
"And afterward I'll return to the Fleet," Tali tried to explain. "And I... I..."
"You don't want to return home?" Shepard asked, sounding a little bit surprised.
"I do!" Tali answered. "But I... it's my father. I'll have to report to him."
She told Shepard about her conversation with her father before the mission and about what she had learned about Board politics. She explained how she blamed the Board, including her father, for the deaths she had witnessed. She only left out Rael's request for geth platforms. After all, he had explicitly asked her to keep this a secret, even to Shepard, and even now she still followed that request.
"He apologised for drafting me for the mission, said he had been wrong," Tali almost talked herself into a rage, "but he did nothing to stop it. He just let it happen. With all the deaths that followed. If he really had cared he could still have stopped the mission when we talked. Korris and Shala surely would not have disagreed. So, what am I supposed to tell him now? How can I even look him in the face? He promised so much, but his promises aren't worth anything."
"So, what do you want?" Shepard asked her.
"I do want to return to the Fleet," Tali told him. "To see my work again, at least for a while. To see Gillian again. To see my friends again." Quieter she added: "The ones I still have, that is. It's just... I want to return home, but I... I dread meeting my father. After what he has caused I just don't want to see him. But those two things can't be separated."
"Maybe I should come with you?" Shepard suggested half-seriously. "I have half a mind to meet your father anyway." Shepard's voice made it plain that he was not thinking of a friendly, pleasant conversation about modern galactic fashions with him.
Tali had to laugh, but it was a sharp, bitter laugh. "I don't think that would be wise. You shouting at Board Admirals probably wouldn't help my problems."
"It would probably end like that," Shepard admitted sheepishly. More seriously he added: "It's just... I can understand your dilemma. And I want to help you. But I can't think of any way how I can."
"I don't think there is a way," Tali said. "Maybe I'll just have to go through with it. So that I can see Gillian, so that I can then return to you."
"That sounds... suboptimal," Shepard judged.
"Sometimes there are only suboptimal solutions," Tali said.
Shepard smiled sadly. "Just you see. One day I'll get that attitude out of you."
"And who would give you your much needed reality checks then?" Tali asked, half humorously and half annoyed by his larger than life idealism.
"Oh, I'm sure there are other young quarian women on pilgrimage," Shepard answered as if he was seriously considering it.
"One wonders how many would put up with you," Tali stated dryly. "Besides, you're getting too old for them."
"Ouch," Shepard said. He sighed. "Okay, even if I can't solve the problem, I can't shake the feeling that I'd make for an awful partner if I can't even give you emotional support during all this."
"Much as I'd like you by my side, we should stick to our plan," Tali answered. "You'll have to offer emotional support afterward. Or... before."
Shepard raised an eyebrow. "That, I can do. After all, we still have one ship night..."
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Omega. The rotten core of the Terminus.
Shepard was watching on one of the bridge's computer terminals how the ship began the docking manoeuvre. Soon, he would depart, and leave Tali alone with her problems. He did not like that thought at all.
She still hurt from the death of her friends. While they had planned an enjoyable last ship night together, that had not come to pass. She had been overwhelmed by the memory of her lost friends. She had cried most of the night and he had held and comforted her. It was understandable: The traumatic events on Haestrom were only some few days back, after all. He had been in a similar condition after the Skyllian Blitz, and that was a mission he had emerged from as a hero. Since then, military life and experience had hardened him, but as he had told Marre, he did not think of that as a good thing. It would be a loss for the world if these experiences made Tali more cynical or less caring.
As it was, she was in a miserable state and would have to face a great fear. That isn't fair and it isn't right. He shot a glance to her. She was standing on the bridge, too, and her nervousness was plainly visible.
She turned towards him. "The manoeuvre is almost finished. We should go to the airlock."
"I..." No, I don't like this at all. Shepard sighed. "I suppose so."
He followed her. He was clad in his grey heavy armour, the utilitarian armour without decorations he had gotten from Cerberus. It was the only piece of equipment he had obscuring his face, something he and Tali had agreed would be wise. The 'Hero of the Citadel' was simply too well known. If he were to be recognized on Omega after two years of 'death', it would draw too much unwanted attention. So he would pose as an anonymous mercenary passing by in full body armour.
Kal joined them, though he stayed at a respectful distance. Probably wants to see me off, too. Shepard appreciated this, but his mind was focused on his worry for Tali.
When they had reached the airlock, he said quietly: "We'll see each other again soon."
"I know," Tali replied. "It's just... I... I will..." She stopped.
This strengthened Shepad's worries. "Do you really think we should go through with our plan?"
"It seems a little late to change it now," Tali said uncertain, "and besides, what would be the alternative?"
"Nevermind about too late," Shepard answered. "We can still think of something else. Hell, give me a call and I'll come flying to the Fleet. What matters is what you want."
"I want... I don't even know myself anymore," Tali said. "I want to return to the Fleet. I want to come with you. And I don't know what I could possibly say to my father. I... I just don't know."
Shepard's heart clenched. Finally he said: "Come with me then."
"What?" Tali exclaimed.
"Your father claimed he cares about you and that he'll be more understanding of you now. Well, let's test him," Shepard argued. "You can return home once you're ready to face him."
"I... ah..." Tali stuttered surprised. Then she shook her head sadly. "It wouldn't work. If I go with you, that would be desertion. If my father doesn't bring that up, Korris surely would, if only to score a point against my father."
Shepard's eyes narrowed. "It's only desertion if you're officially accused of it."
"What do you mean?" Tali asked. Before he could answer she added: "You have a plan."
"I do," Shepard confirmed.
"Then... then..." Tali began unsurely before catching herself. "All right. I'll come with you."
Shepard noticed that she had not even asked what his plan was. He was somewhat touched by that implicit trust.
"Kal," she called the other quarian over. "Do you feel able to take this ship to the fleet?"
"Ah, sure, ma'am," Kal answered. "Why?"
"I'm going with Jon," Tali explained.
"That comes as a bit of a surprise," Kal admitted. "But all right, if that's your wish, I won't stop you. But... what about the Board?"
Tali's voice became icy, almost angry: "If the admirals have a problem with this, they can go to hell. I just watched good friends die."
"Understood," Kal acknowledged. "I don't have a problem with it, I just hope this doesn't get you into trouble, ma'am."
"It won't," Tali claimed, "Let me get my belongings. And Kal, next time we meet - I hope you'll have learned to call me Tali by then."
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Rael'Zorah read the text on his holoscreen again. Tali had sent him an official message, notifying him that she would not return to the fleet and instead accompany Shepard. And she had made sure he would have to agree to that. He flinched. Shepard! That damn human and his influence on Tali.
Shepard was throwing everything into disarray. Already before Rael had feared for his once in a lifetime chance to get geth platforms: With Shepard around it was not sure how loyal Tali would be, especially not after her show of defiance when he had drafted her.
That was why he had asked Tali for a favour, instead of just commanding her. As soon as he had learned that Shepard was with her, he had known a secret order would not work. Tali might have confided in Shepard, and the human would have explained to her how Rael would have had no way to enforce this order without it becoming public. With Shepard at her side, Tali would have realized that her father held no power over her.
So instead, Rael had called her, had apologized to her and had then asked her. It was not like the whole conversation had been a lie, but it had still been annoying. Under normal circumstances, Rael would never have spoken so openly about his emotions. And he meant what he had said about Shepard: Even now, even after the human had caused so much trouble, Rael could not really be unhappy about Tali having met him. He had lost his love and still mourned for her, and he was actually glad that it now appeared his daughter had been spared this pain.
His apology, though... he had exaggerated a bit there. He had been shocked by the news about Freedom's Progress and that was why he had told Tali about what had happened behind the scenes of the Admiralty Board. And it was true, he had been very demanding and at times also very cold towards Tali during all her life. However, the universe simply was not a very nice place, certainly not a very forgiving one. All he had done was to prepare his daughter for that fact. Maybe he had been a bit hamfisted in his attempts, but he still believed that, by and large, he had been right.
He had preplanned a career path for Tali, and despite what he had said, he was not truly sorry about that. His daughter had an enormous potential, so he saw no shame in wanting to unlock it, for her own good and the good of the Fleet. And after centuries of exile, the quarians simply did not have the luxury of being able to consider the individual wishes of every single Fleet member. He had wanted for Tali to become a proper quarian, a model quarian, and surely that was not a bad thing?
And in modern quarian culture that meant having some very specific skills. Engineering, research, but also military command. The Fleet was still under martial law and hence only military careers could make a quarian become truly important. So Rael had done his utmost to ensure Tali would have those qualities. Even if it went against her wishes. As far as he was concerned, quarians could not afford individualism in these times.
There was also another factor: Quarians worshipped the ancestors as a collective, but also single individual ancestors, especially those who had made a name for themselves. Important quarians would be remembered by their descendants for generations. The reverse of that was that not only did quarians look up to great ancestors, but every quarian also wanted to have great descendants to remember them after their deaths. Considering that Tali was his only child, the only one who could continue his line, Rael thought that gave him some right to shape her according to his wishes.
He had been forced to tell her something else, in order to get her to send the geth platforms to him. And he did truly regret the times where he had been too inconsiderate, where he had only thought of his plans for Tali and not of her. He had wasted years being too cold to her. But he did not regret how demanding he had been and did not regret having left her little choices in her life. Those things had been necessary.
Though it might turn out to all have been for naught. With Shepard's influence on Tali, it was questionable she would continue the military career he had laid out for her. Years of dedication, by me and by her, and all rendered pointless by that one human. And yet, he was still genuinely happy for her. It was a conflicting emotion.
Sighing, he closed his holoscreen, stood up and left his office. On the corridor, he saw Shala'Raan approaching him.
"Ah, Rael, good, I wanted to talk to you anyway," the fellow admiral greeted him.
Rael hid a grimace under his helmet. Shala'Raan made him realize one of the things that looking back he did truly regret: After the death of his wife, her close friend Shala had practically been more of a parent to Tali than he had been. She, Han'Gerrel, he and his wife had all been close friends several years ago, but that had ended after the death of his wife. Since then, Shala had been a painful reminder of her. As a consequence, Rael had begun to only speak with her professionally anymore. Only their mutual addresses by their first names remained of the old times.
"Ah, might be a bad time, Shala," he told her.
"Just one question then: Did you get a message from Tali, too?" Shala asked.
"I did," Rael simply confirmed.
"Don't be too harsh on her," Shala told him. "Her reaction is understandable after what she has gone through."
"Maybe," Rael admitted.
"And... it would maybe be better for everybody concerned if we could confirm her 'redeployment' as quickly and as quietly as possible," Shala stated.
Rael sighed. There was no point in pretending anymore. Shala seemed to know, too, what was at stake. "I suppose we'll have to. And we'll have to explain to Korris why this is necessary."
"Or we convince Han," Shala suggested. "It's about Tali, so surely he'll side with us. That would give us a majority."
"It would also deepen the fractures inside the board, so I'm surprised you'd suggest such a course," Rael commented.
"You and Korris need to cooperate more," Shala agreed, "and I hope you could be more understanding of each other. But for now we should concentrate on keeping Tali out of this political mess. You know Korris would have little problem with hurting her to get to you, or to make a political point."
"True," Rael confirmed icily. His loathing for Korris was no secret. He thought the fellow admiral to be a cowardly would be sell out to the geth and hence would put nothing past him.
"I'll go see Han then," Shala said. "We can talk later about how to go from there."
She walked off. Again, Rael sighed. So she got a message, too. Either Tali or Shepard has thought of everything. He could have at least tried to keep everything under wraps while still ordering Tali home. But Shala knowing everything, too, forced his hand.
He activated his omni-tool and read the message again:
To: Admiral Rael'Zorah vas Alarei
From: Tali'Zorah vas Neema, Expedition Leader
Admiral,
I am hereby informing you that I will not return to the Fleet. Whatever enemy has depopulated Haestrom and other human colonies must be powerful enough to also be a potential threat to the quarian race. Therefore, I have joined Spectre Shepard in his mission to investigate this threat. I hope the official confirmation of my redeployment can happen smoothly and quietly. I am sure you and the Board have an interest in quiet and peace in the Fleet, and news like this, or also certain other news, would disturb that peace. I hope your research will continue successfully and without disturbances. We will have the talk we spoke about as soon as I return from Shepard's mission.
Rael'Zorah was a politician. He recognized a veiled threat when he saw one. And he knew Tali had the upper hand here.