"Kim, its gonna be fine. This is the last ultrasound. You'll live." Jack whispers, unassuringly. He takes my hand that had been trembling since we'd entered the hospital. "And I'll be here with you the entire time, okay? I love you and I'm not going anywhere." He squeezes my hand, and I try and nod. I'm so scared. What if I did something wrong? What if I hurt the baby? I did fall about a week ago. I was not this nervous the first two times, when I definitely should have, considering for 3 months of my pregnancy I didn't even know I was pregnant. I'm coming towards the end of my third trimester. And so is Mika. We're both around 35 weeks along and she had her appointment yesterday. Lately I've been so tired, and my back hurts so bad, plus it feels like my organs are rearranging themselves. Quite painfully, I might add. But the worst part are the false labor pains. Ever since the first one Jack has been living in our guest room, In case, I don't know, I get a contraction in the bed, and he can be there to take me. He doesn't want to miss a thing. My mother has been much more supportive, she hardly ever goes to the country club anymore. Its securing to know that she's there for me, no matter what. It comforting to know that everyone's there, especially Jack. Right now we're looking for something to rent, so we can raise the baby with no interference. I mean, Jack I love our friends and family, they just aren't the parental figure material. For the first few months we'd like to be the only thing the baby sees. Except Jerry and Mika, Jerry and Mika get it, considering they're in the same situation as Jack and I. So I wouldn't mind if they dropped by every now and then. But other than our mothers and fathers no one else can come around the baby. Did I mention we don't now the gender yet? I mean seriously I'm supposed to have the baby in like 6 days and we have no idea what we can name him or her. Jack really wants a boy, he feels that raising a boy is easier, which it is. Boys can be free and play, while girls are told to stay in and cook and clean with mom. But I pointed out, that if we have a girl we 'll raise her so that she can make her decisions and allegations without the permission of a man.
"Kim Crawford?" Someone calls. Jack looks up first and makes eye contact with the nurse in the doorway. She nods and gestures for us to come on in. Jack stands and starts to make his way over to her, but soon realizes that I am not following. He turns to around, and looks around to make sure no one can see his crazy girlfriend acting, well, crazy.
"Kim. Kim, come here." He says as he shoots fake smiles at onlookers. I keep my hands in my lap and my head bowed.
"You are making a scene." He whisper-screams.
"I just..." My voice breaks. Jack looks around once before rushing over to me. He kneels in front of me and put his hands on my knees.
"Kimmy...," He coaxes as he strokes his hands back and forth on my thighs. I tighten my lips. "Kimmy, come on. How are we going to have kid if you're acting like one?" He tries to peer through my thin veil of hair. But I turn my face away and pout. The nurse clears her throat impatiently, Jack looks up and gives her the 'one minute' signal. She pushes her lips to the left side of her face and raises on eyebrow with sass. Jack rolls his eyes and looks back at me.
"You love me right?" He says with a flirty smile that he had trademarked.
I raise my head and blink at him with a glare. Jack doesn't seem to notice. He shoots me a wink.
"Then please, please come into the exam room, with me. So we can finally pick out a name for the baby." He begs. But he says it in such a way that it makes it sound as if I should feel privileged to even be in the room, even though I've been carrying the thing for almost 9 months. I oblige to Jack's flirtation and get up. We walk through the huge glass door, together.
…
"Mika!" I yell into the bathroom of the bridal suite in the hotel. "You okay?" My tone was probably full of worry. God, I bet I sounded like her mother. "You need a bowl of soup or a warm bath or a helicopter to flee the scene?"
I was going to be a fantastic mommy.
"No!" Mika replies, twice as loud. "I am fi-" Before Mika can finish saying what I assumed to be "I am fine," puking sounds begin to echo through my ears. For a moment, I feel helpless. Panicked. Should I get her some milk, which helps my morning sickness? Or was it just pre-marital jitters? Either way, I realized that sitting there would be of no value to her or me. I fling open the bathroom door, knocking over some possibly important things. I'm next to Mika before you could sound out Anthony Jeselnik's last name, holding her hair back, and spreading a towel over her nearby wedding dress, so it didn't get lost in the battle.
"You absolutely sure you're fine?" I ask sarcastically after Mika's finished. She snorts and shoots me a stink eye. It's the first time I've ever seen or heard her do something so mean-spirited.
I kind of liked it, to be honest.
"Oh, yes, of course, Kimberly. I am fantastic. I am completely together, despite that I am about to run down the wedding aisle," I try not to cringe when Mika pronounces aisle wrong. "9 months pregnant and on the brink of the deportation." She laughs emptily, tears welling up in her pretty eyes.
"Hey, now, Mickey." I begin, overcome by the need to make her feel better. "Don't try to talk yourself out of this. You and Jerry belong together. You would've wound up together if you had been pregnant or perfectly celibate, okay? You're gonna get through, and tell this story to someone one day, and they're gonna laugh at how stupid you were being." My words are mixed with slight laughter at the end of my speech, until both me and the bride are rolling on the bathroom floor, laughing for no reason in particular. "Now stop puking and put on that beautiful dress. It's a direct order."
The rest of the day is a blur. There's buzzing and crashing and kissing and beautiful pictures. Somehow, I ended up in a wedding.
"Do you,Jerry Martinez, take Mika Ahdoot to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, honor and cherish, till death do you part?"
Jerry smiles like the goon he is. "I dizzy-ooh." He sing songs.
"And do you, Mika Ahdoot, take Jerry Martinez to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, honor and cherish, till death, due you part?"
I smile to my self as I stand behind her. However there's a long pause. Mika leans over and puts her hand on Jerry's shoulder.
The Reverend seems every bit confused as everyone in the room. Mika waves her arm behind her, I guess signaling me. Jack walks forward too and we form some sort of football huddle. Mika's face is twisted in pain, and Jerry seems to be crazy-worried. I put my hand on her back.
"Mika? What's wrong? What hurts?" Jack asks with concern. Mika pauses and her faces seems to wash over with relief,
"Would now be a bad time to go into labor?" Mika says with a laugh. I clutch the bridge of my nose.
"Right now? Are you sure, they could just be those false labor pains."
Mika shakes her head. "No, Kim, this the real deal. It feels like someone is shooting me in my privates. Jerry laughs and shakes his head, he looks up at Jack and I.
"Well, we gotta get outta here. My wife's going into labor."
…
"Mika, honey, you've got to breathe. Or it will hurt worse." I say to Mika as she leans forward as another contraction comes. Her face is now red and sweaty.
"I don't believe it could hurt much worse than GOING INTO LABOR." she seethes at me. Jerry giggles to himself and gets up. He puts his hand on Mika's but she pulls away.
"Do not touch me. You did this to me." She says with, I don't know eeeviil? Jerry is taken aback. He retracts his hand.
"Well, I'm going to the cafeteria, would you like anything?" He says sweetly. Mika glares at him and scoffs.
"Yes actually," she says. Jerry smiles thinking she finally starting to be nice. "FOR THIS PAIN TO STOP. Pick that up, in the damn cafeteria." Jerry's eyes are now so wide, he looks like a cartoon. I look at Mika in amazement. She's just on a real mean streak. Jerry nods and practically runs out the door. Mika rests her head back on her pillow.
"I wish this was you." She whispers. Barely. I roll my eyes.
"Well you're a week farther along than me." I laugh.
Mika pushes all of the air out of her body through her nose. "You suck."
"Not as much as you do." I retort with a laugh.
…
After 12 long hours of labor Mika is hardly crowning. The doctor's are considering c-section. If she was in labor any longer she would start to lose blood. Mika is okay with it, but Jerry is wary. He questions the doctors.
"Will she be okay? Will the baby be okay?" He asks. The doctor's easily deflect these questions and tell him to put on some scrubs and follow them into the surgery room. Jerry does so , obediently, and follows Mika's gurney into the surgery. She reaches her hand upwards, already under the influence of anesthesia, so she is trembling with numbness. Jerry takes her hand and she tries to intertwine their fingers though she is entirely too loopy to do so. The nurses shuffle her into the room with Jerry close behind and let the white swinging doors rock behind them. Jack, Milton, Julie and I are left in the waiting room. An awkward silence fills the open space.
"Sooo..." Julies says rocking back and forth.
"You know," I start with a cough."I've been reconsidering this whole 'baby shower thing you've been talking about and-"
"Really!?"Julie says with enough enthusiasm to kill a horse. I try to say 'yes'. but once she starts on the subject she won't stop. "I'm so glad you changed your mind because I already invited everyone. I just knew you'd cave! Oh my gosh, I'm so excited!"
"Would have never guessed." Milton mumbles underneath his breath before getting up to get some coffee. Jack tags along.
Julie turns back to me. "Kim, I basically planned everything twice, because I wasn't sure if you were having a boy or a girl. So tell me so I can pick the theme, boy or girl?"
"Boy. Its a boy!" Jerry shouts as he runs into the waiting room as Jack and Milton come back from the cafeteria. Jerry goes in to hug Jack but Jack pushes him away when he sees the blood and other miscellaneous liquids on his scrubs. Jack gives him a very enthusiastic thumbs up. Jerry glares at him.
"They say that Mika is gonna have to stay for another day but she'll be out by noon. But the baby is fine." Jerry cheeses extremely hard and laughs in maniacal happiness.
Julie shoots up from her seat "Did you decide on a name?" she claps like preschooler Jerry nods.
"Azan, It means power and strength. Mika thought of it." He smiles. He flicks his nasty gloves into the trash. He seems happy to see us, but eager to leave and be with Mika. He looks over his shoulder every two seconds.
"AWW. That's a great name!" Julie exclaims. Its like 4 in the morning, how is she so excited. Jerry simpers and brushes his hair back .
"Go be with your family, man. We'll come by later to see the baby, okay?" Jack resolves towards Jerry. Jerry smiles at us and rushes down the hall to Mika and Azan. Jack looks at me. "You ready to go home,babe?"
I nod and turn to Julie " Call me tomorrow. We can talk about the party then." I pat her hand as Jack walks over to help me up. I take his hand and he gently pulls me to my feet, though he is strong enough to have thrown me across the room with ease. He doesn't let go of my hand.
"I'll see you later Milton, Julie." He calls behind us as we leave the hospital. We begin to toward the car.
"You think you'll be that happy when she's born?" I ask with a playful as I climb into the backseat ( Jack no longer allows me to sit in the passenger seat for fear of an accident). He smirks as he pulls out onto the street looking at me through the rear view. "I don't think I could be much happier than this."
I smile back at him.
…
"Julie I said no. I meant no."
"Oh come on! Who doesn't want cupcakes at a baby shower?! Its a given! Cupcakes are a must." she pouts over the phone as if I can see her.
"Julie, no. I don't like cupcakes If I see cupcakes I will walk right back out the door and leave.: I state adamantly. Julie just doesn't know how to listen...
"But, Kim- "
"Julie. What-did-I-say. I'm going to hang up on you if you so much as think about having cupcakes at the party."
"I just- I don't get why? Why not?
"I don't want to talk about it. Julie if I see a crumb from a cupcake I will promptly walk out and go home."
Julie tries to stutter a response but I hang up the phone. I groan and lay on my side to give my aching spine a rest. Someone walks down the hall towards my room. Jack comes into the doorway. He smiles at me.
"Hey you wanna get something to eat?" He asks jingling the keys in his pocket. I nod and try to sit up but I fall to my knees in a sharp pain. Jack jumps and stops my head from hitting my carpet ( which- though it is supposed to be soft-is actually quite hard). "Kimmy?! What's wrong?" He says trying to sit me upright but I keel right over in immense pain that's infecting my entire back.
"My back it just-" I suck in a breath as another sharp pain shoots through my spine but slowly it fades. "It hurts some."
"Some? You can't stand up! I'm calling the doctor."
"Jack I'm fine. I'm pregnant, I get back pain sometimes."
"Are you sure you're okay, Kim?" Jacks asks I force a smile.
"Yes, baby, I'm fine. Go get the food I'll just lay down for now, okay?" I smile at him in a way that says I'm okay, I'll be okay. Jack's face is still wary . "I just don't want to to leave you alone and you end up hurting yourself and the baby." I try to sit up but Jack hooks his hand under my knees and behind my back. He picks me up with ease and walks to the other end of the hall. I look up at him, very confused, he walks into the guest room , (his room now, I suppose) and puts me on the bed.
"You'll be sleeping in my room for awhile." He says as he pull the covers over me. "I want you to be close to me in case you hurt yourself. I need to be able to protect you."
"Jack, my mom-"
"Will just have to deal with it. You are the mother of my child. I am going to protect you." H e looks at me firmly. I shut my mouth and stop arguing.
"Okay. Papa Bear." I laugh with a raised eyebrow. He leans over and gives me a kiss on the forehead.
"I'll be right back, Mama Bear." He smiles and walks out the door. "Don't get out of that damn bed, Kim." He yells upstairs before closing the front door. I wait until he pulls of to whip out my phone.
"Hey, Mom?"
"Yes, honey, what is it?"
"Its my back. Its getting bad again. Mom, I think its happening again."
"Oh, Kimmy."
"What are we going to do?"
…
"Don't look!" I squeal at Jack as he peeks through his fingers at me. He sighs at me and closes them. I slip on my nightie over my behemoth stomach and boobs.
"I've seen you naked, Kim. I don't see what the big deal is." Jack says , exasperated, taking his hand off his eyes.
"Yeah but, not like this. While I'm- you know- fat."
"Kim you are not fat. You're pregnant, big difference" He says reclining on his pillow . I smile at him
"Thanks." I say not doing the typical thing where girls disagree with a compliment for attention. Jack actually taught me that...
"You're really pretty.: He said with a smile before stuffing his face with a felafel ball. I shake my head.
"Thanks, but-"
"Hey," he points his spork at me. " I gave you a compliment. Take it."
I nod slowly, kind of weirded out by the things he found passion in. "Thank you for saying I'm really pretty." I say forcefully. It feels weird, actually taking a compliment
"Fake it til you make it, Kim" Jack smiles with a mouthful of food "Oh. And you're welcome." he says as if to say 'there you go'.
I lay down on the bed next to him on my side . He scoots closer and throws one arm over my body and intertwines our fingers. I reach over to the bedside table and click off the lamp that illuminates the room. We are now in complete darkness.
"Kim?"
"Yeah?"
"I want to marry you."
My eyes flick open an I crane my neck to look at him "Are you – Are you serious?" He nods against my skin and kisses my neck.
"Yeah I just, I want all this Jerry-Mika stuff to be settled first. And I really can't wait to meet my baby girl." his hand travels to my stomach . His breathing grows deeper.
"Jack?" no answer "Jack?" He must have fallen asleep. I tug the cover over more and try to do the same.
…
Flashing lights.
Wet pavement.
Hot car.
It is spring and humid. We sit in the car laughing and talking. Daddy is driving.
He is drunk and he doesn't see me. He laughs and talks about nothing, Talks about the world I haven't seen. Talks about sports he doesn't watch. And he glances at me for a second.
And it looks like love.
He looks at me with love. Nothing has ever felt so good. And then it is over. We veer left and roll three times . My seat comes forward and pins me. My back is crumbling inside.
Shattering.
I heard my back shattering.
He looks at me again with blood in his eyes, sweat on his brow, cuts on his face. He tries to forge a smile but I can't even move.
It no longer looks like love.
It looks like guilt.
...
"Kim! Kim, wake up!" A voice shouts wakinfg me from my stupor . My eyes flick open and I feel my damp limbs and moist face . The lights are clicked on. " Kim, you were having a nightmare. Sweating and shaking and crying." He says wiping tears from my face. He looks disheveled with is brown mop in pathetic disarray.
"I'm- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."
"No, Kim Don't apologize Just talk to me. What was the dream about?" I glance at him over my shoulder warily. His eyes plead with me. "Please, Kim."
I sigh and sit up with my back to him so I don't have to look at his face when I divulge my recurring nightmare.
"When I was 6, my dad and I got into a car wreck. He was drunk off his ass. Half of my spinal discs dislocated , some shattered. The doctors couldn't figure out a way to fit them back in without crushing my entire spinal column. So I was given a wheelchair and told I would never walk again. That was the last time I saw him." I slur quickly, trying not to reminisce about the worst day of my life.
"Kim, why didn't you-"
"Of course," I cut him off. "after two years of being in a wheelchair, they figured out something. I have plates in my back that help me walk and sit up straight."
"Is that why your back hurts?"
I nod in response. " The doctors said if I started to feel pain. My plates would need to be taken out and I'd be in a wheelchair, at the the end of a waiting list for years."
Jack is silent . I turn towards him and he looks upset. "Kimmy, I don't know .. we'll be okay, though. We'll be fine. We always are." He utter to me. I clutch the bridge of my nose and lay back onto my pillow. I put my hand on his chest and he wraps his other one around.
"I hope so," I say. " I really hope so."
…
"Kim just put on the dress!"
"I look fat!"
"You're harboring a human being inside you! NO ONE CARES!"
"FINE!"
"Kim, COME ON. I'm gonna be late for work!"
"Okay." I slip the maxi-dress on and slip on some sandals. I glance at myself in the mirror. I'd curled every last but if my hair so it poofed all over the place. The orange ombre dress cascades down and creates a very flattering (but still pregnant) silhouette.
Okay. I look good.
"Are you ready?"
"Yeah!" I say snatching my purse off the bed. "Here I come!"
…
"Kim! You finally came!" Julie exclaims as I walk in. I wave goodbye to Jack and close the door behind me.
"Yeah. Sorry. Jack was taking forever." I lie as I walk into what can only be described as a Pink Wonderland. My friends sit around chatting and eating hors d'oeuvres. Julie looks at me in disbelief. But ignores my lying and turn to the party.
"Everyone! Kim has finally graced us with her presence! " She says sarcastically to the partygoers. She smirks at me. "Now its really a party."
...
"Jack, Jerry, Milton you realize that baby showers are kind of a 'just female thing' right?" Julie says leaning into her boyfriend's chest. Everyone had finally left and all my real friends had arrived. Jack and I sit underneath Julie's throw cover. Mika sits in Jerry's lap. She had lost her baby weight.
"The party's over. I'm allowed." Jerry replies tearing himself from flirting with his wife. Jack laughs. There is a knock at the door which interupts our comfortable silence. Milton nudges Julie who gets slowly and walks over to the door.
"Hi. Yeah. I'm a friend of Kim's." The person at the door says. I can't actually see his face but I know that voice. How do I still remember it so clearly..?
"Oh. Okay. Come on in." Julie says walking into the front room. The man follows.
Dirty Timberlands.
Fleece vest
Plaid flannel.
Scruffy, unshaved cheeks.
Green eyes, like mine.
Why had he come back?
"What? No cupcakes, Kim? You used to love them when you were little." The man says starng me in my eyes. Because he isn't actually talking about goddamn cupcakes. This is his way of saying hello. Like a psychopath. He keeps direct eyecontact as he snatches a cookie and takes a bite. Julie looks at m ein confusion and my friends shoot me weird looks. Jack's body tenses against mine as if he has some canine sense that I know this man.
I can only stare in disbelief.
"Kim, who is he?" Jack says glaring at the man with caution.
I blink once and the man smirks at me as if to say 'Yeah, Kimmy. Who am I?'
"That's," I stutter for a second. " That's my father."
...