Chapter 12: Voir le Monde dans un Grain de Sable

Have you ever witnessed eternity fly by? Fleetingly let it pass only to capture an instantaneous glance… Have you ever held the sun in its morning? To bask in its light… with drops of gold raining for the earth who yearns it. Have you ever slept through a nightmare only to wake in a sanguine dream? In there, was a story of you running eternally through the Elysian Fields. Very rarely in the time of world did anyone ever hear the sounds I sing nor seen the visions I dream. For a transient eternity I flew through cerulean skies, with halcyon days passing by. But in the end I fell, ever so hard, due to my beguiling spell. A spell of illusion conjured by my own thoughts, traitorous pride telling me that there is much to be fought. Under the sun did I stand in my own sunshine, only to realize that I had lived amongst my shadows. Forget-me-nots and hyacinths were planted on my grave, only to have them wilt on that honorary day. It was that day when I soared, escalating to heights never reached. And then I fell, like Icarus in his foolish dream.

Why am I so desperate? So forlorn and pathetic? The seasons change with me as I change with the seasons. Spring came and i was jubilant and lachrymose. They saw me bitter as snow while i laughed with day. Summer came and I was as exuberant as ever. But the spirit within me waned away. Now I am an empty shell, reliant on constant social and emotional pivots to stimulate my indolent mind. The disposition I'm in has made the antithesis of what I was trying to fight. Why is it that it's so easy to fall, fall so hard down the bottomless depths? Yet so hard to climb, stellar walls whose zenith reaches that of the basking sun? I wish you would return and change me to my senses. What has undergone in my passing by? What has these catabolic changes brought upon my world so divine? Beseeching the deaf with deafening pleas, I wait the day when I am finally at peace.

* * *

I awoke to a derelict bedside and a sleeping baby. My mind was stultified by a grueling night, its senses exacerbated by anxiety and acrimonious forebodings. I tried my best to retain the fading lucidity, but the morning felt groggy and unwanted. It was as if my languorous body refused to acknowledge that night has come and gone, playing deaf to the lark's gentle song. Obstinate and emaciated, I lay still in the comfort of my cumbersome sheets and pillows while my eyes peeked at the window to find cerulean skies with a bare wisp of clouds accompanied by an ostentatiously radiant sun. It must've been close to afternoon and I was still in bed. Somehow I remained entitled and indifferent. I gave birth yesterday. Surely a woman such as I requires days of rest, especially since I already started standing and walking the night right after. Oh what a dreadful decision! Now I can feel my torn muscles and aching womb and there is absolutely nothing in the vicinity which can alleviate the pain.

Moments passed and I could hear the insipid moan of my child warning me of an incipient burst of rage. As soon as the slight moan turned into a screeching howl, footsteps thundered in the corridor outside my room and the doors flew open. "Good morning mademoiselle," Isabelle uttered hurriedly as she dashed to the cradle, picking up the child. She tried hushing and consoling the plaintive infant, but when she could no longer, she turned to me and asked, "Shall I bring him to the nurse?"

I gaped at her stupidly. "I have a nurse?"

She nodded in response, but froze to her spot, waiting for me to arbitrate her next movement. "I'd rather nurse him myself Isabelle." The maid nodded curtly and gently handed Akira to me. She bowed out of respect and proceeded to leave, shutting the doors behind her.

A nurse? Sesshoumaru must've sent for her. I did see the imperative need for one seeing as how I had a lot of milk to spare thanks to the many consequences and effects of pregnancy. Oh whatever, knowing him, he's just trying to be meticulously cautious. It must be an overbearing attribute to have the onus of making sure every preparation is made. Sometimes that perfect man can be pitiable.

Minutes later, the child began to fall asleep again, shutting its sensitive eyes from the bright lights. At that point, I had nothing else to do but to lie indolently and wait for time to bemuse me. Time passed very wearily. It was as if energy was sequestered away, postponing all vivacity in what could be an exuberant spring day. The clouds shifted leisurely, waiting for every grain of the sand to slowly drip into the past as they swirl into the aurous depths of the sun. Winds gently passed by, like dulcet breezes serenading idle passer-bys. What a tired spring I was in. What a disheartening this day was, droning me into idle sleep whilst time furtively passed me by.

The clock ticked and next I knew my door suspiciously opens with an unknown silhouette, inquiring for my presence. "Mademoiselle you have visitors. Shall I let them in?" asked Isabelle. She fretfully stays behind the protection of the massive door, her fingers clutching rather strongly.

* * *

Hours passed and the Poulains visited me. Our time together was terse and yet rather delightful, but it seems with the health of my newborn child all tensions were severed and our jovial sentiments were rejuvenated. I was too weary to cherish the brevity of our little reunion and Akira's introverted temperament didn't prompt anymore trivialities. There was no other sentimentality which called for a longer visit.

Spring was rather lethargic. The days progressed without sporadic temperature changes or assistance from the clouds. The cerulean skies looked derelict and yet apathetic to its uncharacteristic loneliness. The ambience was quite dull and quiescent all throughout as I was left by myself with the baby. My thoughts began to meander to the very person it has been fixated on: Sesshoumaru. Where was he? What was he doing? What's he thinking of? These frivolous questions would tenaciously resonate in my mind for weeks, lost in my own cupidity.

One fainéant day, I took it upon myself to take out the new carriage (a humble gift bestowed by Sesshoumaru) for a walk with the somnolent infant. It would've been lucrative to let him experience and bask in the aurous ambience of spring with its effervescent, and yet dulcet pleasures. I began with the immense botanical garden situated in the fields behind my mansion. Its pulchritudinous enclosure was veiled by walls of green leaves and vines, acting as a gatekeeper to my esoteric Garden of Eden. I've heard much about it from Sesshoumaru as well as the maids. It, apparently, is a scene of absolute pulchritude, in which even the most illustrious of words could not heed its true caliber to justice. Of course, with such a dull spring day, I looked forward to seeing it. Perhaps it would provide solace from the mundane inanities of my inactive opulent life.

I began my terse trek as I approached the fenced gate of the garden. The path was laden with cobblestone and bushes of larkspurs and marigolds. Rows of narcissus bordered the cobblestone path in the most intricate of arrangements. Upon entrance, I found a latent yet unexpressed awe at the beauteous sight. Indescribable yet simple, I could not express how jovial and simultaneously beautiful it all was. Varieties of flowers, nuanced with color, protruded from every patch of ground in the garden with the exception of the cobble stone path. The arrangement of their foundations were made so that they harmoniously stood amongst other flowers, vying for the attention of the visitor's eye yet living in placid equanimity. There were rows of ruby, columns of sapphire, and squares of emerald… The incongruity of colors paradoxically blended into a fine idyllic scene, as if personified from the most illustrious of poems, in which they emulated the radiance and splendor of rare, lapidarian jewels.

Akira and I stopped briefly in the center of the garden, where a majestic fountain of marble continuously poured pristine water, flowing back and forth in its ivory infrastructure. The fountain was pure pallid marble, with concentric levels. The bottom basin was gilded with picturesque images of angels and fruits, prancing around in their own dimension. I simply sat on the ground holding Akira as I basked in the scene before me. The sun reflected luminously in the flowing water, as if it sparkled real gold in its flowing basins. I want to stay here forever, and to stare in awe in my own visual reverie.

My own thoughts were interrupted as I heard approaching footsteps brush against the grass. I turned my head immediately to the source of sound and found the unlikeliest and most detestable of men. "What are you doing here?" I coldly inquired. It seemed as if our every encounter turned into a frigid interrogation.

Naraku smirked as he stopped before me. "My lady, I was told you would be found here. Couldn't a friend drop by for a greeting? It's been weeks since I've last seen you." I ignored his banter and continued looking on at the gardens, which was ubiquitously filled with spectacular sceneries. What a friend you are! My sardonic mind continued deriding him. I couldn't forget that he had divulged to Sayuri of our unforgivable escapade before I realized I was pregnant. "Are you upset my dear mademoiselle? Perhaps you long for your master?" He continued on his jocularity, oh so exuberantly raining on my parade.

"If you wanted to ruin my time here, you've accomplished it. Can you please go?" I glared at him, giving him the most spiteful of glares one could ever give.

"Don't be so cold," he sternly replied, adopting a more serious mask. He stood adjacent to the carriage and peered at the awakened baby, his eyes curiously meandering at the foreign environment. "He's grown a lot in these few weeks, but looks a lot like you. Funny, I expected Sesshoumaru's child to be the mirror image."

I stood and pulled the carriage more to my side, snatching my child before he could give him anymore devious and sinister stares. "If you're being spiteful that it's not yours, well I'm sorry to rain on your parade as you have done to mine." I made for my departure and was about to walk away until he uttered a truly rancorous remark.

"Yes I'm sure I would love to have fathered the bastard of a childish whore. But of course, my one and only dear friend, whose wants and needs are wholly pleased by another woman mind you, was given the pleasure." The enigmatic man was full of sadistic wants and pleasures. In fact, I'm sure it was his life's aspiration to wreak pain and unendurable discomfiture to those around him. He grinned on, knowing that he had picked on a rather sensitive nerve, triggering a series of volatile reactions with his opprobrium.

I immediately turned and marched up to him. His Machiavellian eyes and grin all watched up at me, who remained before him, indignant and begrudged. One more second of his disquieting stare and I slapped my hand across his face. I knew that he did not expect it, at all, nor did he ever dream of experiencing it. His expression remained stoic, but his eyes… they deceived him. Right away I saw their appalled gleam, disgusted and shocked.

But right before I could withdraw my hand from the stale air, he instantaneously snatched it, and an icy shudder soon emanated within my bones. His Herculean hold strangled the life out of my arm, feeling the squeezing pain of his growing anger. I pleaded with my hurt eyes for him to release me, to end this indecorous affair. But he lingered on, glaring with the most ominous of eyes, the pupils gleaming with scarlet and fury. His resentment eerily permeated throughout the atmosphere. Suddenly, the beauty and joviality of the garden vanished, as if an ethereal entity wallowing away into nothingness. Everything was dark and foreboding, the reality becoming a macabre dream.

"Let go me-…"

"-I came here bearing news for your insolent self!" he interrupted, hushing my feeble voice into the recesses of my throat. "Sesshoumaru and Sayuri are to be married in this coming weekend. Don't look for him. Don't inquire of him. Don't you make any move that will ruin everything." His harangue was stern and petrifying. I stood there mortified, numb from all emotion but fear. I was no longer an autonomous individual with an autonomous body. I was merely a creature caught in his infuriated web. I cowered under him, shaking and debilitated. Seconds stretched as far as they could in this space and time. It was as if it barely crawled, letting me endure more of this unprecedented fit of rage. For a moment, it seemed as if a cloud passed over us, casting a lugubrious shadow upon the vicinity. And once the shadow passed and the cloud made way for the sun, Naraku let go of my hand, but not without exerting all his force in throwing it down so that I was pushed to the ground. I gasped and recollected my senses as I felt my back hit the stone ground. For the moment my body was indifferent to the pain and shock. I was concerned with the latent horrors within the man before me. His equivocal countenance became more and more frightening.

I could not articulate my emotions at all. They were in a whirlpool of fright, anxiety, depression, fear, and loathing. I merely looked at him, giving a stare which inquired the question of all questions. Why? Why had he hurt me? Why did he dare hurt me in every possible way there was? What did I ever do to deserve his mendacious and yet tumultuous actions? Not only was his willpower to hurt me perturbing, but the news he brought became even more disquieting as it seeped in my palliated mind.

Within a second, it seemed as if Naraku's extemporaneous fit of anger evanesced, soon forgotten, as he recollected himself and returned with a more expressionless demeanor. This time however, he had no contrivances up his sleeve and he looked at me, as if he was sincerely contrite. In a minute he offered his hand, and I grudgingly accepted. When I was back on my own feet, I cautiously withdrew farther from here and closer to my baby carriage, turning my back onto him. "Please leave me be," I whispered. I could not remember the last time I was frightened to those extents. Perhaps long ago, to the time when I was an orphan and under the carnival master's care, when he would intermittently wreak all havoc and abuse as a way to vent the inevitable. But I never expected it from a man like Naraku, who as furtive and contriving as he is, seemed more like a gentleman in terms of handling a tenacious woman.

As I was about to take a step forward, he placed a tender hand on my shoulder. Initially I was scared and ready to evade whatever pain he was willing to inflict. But he showed no sign of hostility. Instead he lingered there with his hand on my shoulder. Then, very slowly, he turned me around to face his apologetic eyes and cupped my cold cheeks. It was such a startle seeing him so meager and unlike himself. He always seemed so proud and egocentric that he felt he was above repentance. At that point, I had no idea as to what to expect. The day and its transpirations were so bizarre that it soon felt like a dream, vague and amorphous.

"Do not waste your time, lamenting over him. You're very young and above this whole scandal." His words echoed in my memory, like the words of a ghostly soothsayer. But as soon as I could take in all that was happening before me, he ambled away dejectedly, and the eerie air soon disappeared, like a nightmare ending with the eyes awakening to the sunshine of morning.

* * *

I had a lot to contemplate that evening, but more brooding than contemplating. First off, I witnessed a side to Naraku I dare not describe or even try to remember. The austerity and brevity of the situation left me vulnerable and utterly shocked. Second, there was Sesshoumaru's imminent wedding to that dreadful woman. Although I knew it was inevitable and soon, I did not acknowledge its coming for a long while and lay in the back of my mind like a benign tumor waiting to degenerate my mind. I was so distraught that I couldn't concentrate or even notice my crying child pleading for me to satiate his thirst. But in the end, a fretful Isabelle took him to the nurse, asking me to rest and rid myself of whatever affliction I was currently under. It was very disheartening and shameful of me to be negligent of my maternal duties, and I had no excuse except for the totally unanticipated bomb mercilessly dropped in my secluded oasis. I just simply couldn't believe any of it.

I decided to sleep my worries away. Although most wouldn't recommend such a method, it seemed like the appropriate remedy, for it was quick to numb the throbbing anguish parasitically growing in my heart. But later in the night, I received another uninvited guest. His clandestine efforts to trespass were all easily seen, for although I was fast asleep, I readily woke to his presence, the very man I had yearned for all this time.

When I turned over my bedside to greet him, he placed a finger on my mouth to hush the inquisition. In the darkness of my chambers, I could still see the full moon shedding its pallid, ivory light upon his face. However, the light showed me more than I had expected. For that night his face seemed worried. There was nothing in his expression which revealed so, but I could see the lassitude in his once illusive, amber eyes. They had a listless gleam, as if sick with indolence and yearning for a cure to his weary plight. I sat up from the bed and cupped his cold face with my tender hands, amiably gazing at him. "What's the matter?" He, in turn, took hold of my hands, his rough and frigid skin caressing my warmth. His touch disheartened me even more. It felt like he needed my warmth. What indeed was the matter?

Sesshoumaru merely continued gazing listlessly. "Nothing. Don't worry." He sat there for a moment, unsure of what to do. The man before me was so unlike the perfect, charismatic man I knew. He became the antithesis of the man who seemed wholly incapable of feeling and melancholy. Something obviously happened. But I wondered if it was connected to Naraku. Both were quite different, hiding under a whole new persona.

"Naraku visited me today… He told me…" my words choked as I began to sob. I did not mean to choke in my own tears, let alone shed them. What had overcome me was unknown, but I was suddenly swept with despondent dejection and sadness. I dolefully embraced him, uncaring whether or not he wanted me to, hiding my tears on his stalwart chest. "You're getting married…" I whispered harshly. We both knew that the day was to come, whether it was soon or not. And he was fully aware that I knew, but somehow he was able to empathize. It was as if I was completely transparent and he sensed the grief I was drowning myself in. As if there weren't enough surprises, I was overcome with scorn, begrudging him of my plight. "How could you come back?! Knowing all this? How could you?! Coming in here… as if I didn't care at all when you knew I did… You know I don't want you to! But you tease me… coming back here and giving me false hope!" I broke from his embrace and faced my back towards him, giving him an extremely cold and distasteful shoulder. All my rancor and resentment poured into my tears as I cried in my own little corner, mourning that which I couldn't prevent.

All the raucous of my sobs woke the Akira from his innocent slumber, crying a louder cry than mine, angry that I dare wake him with my own trifles and predicaments. I quickly rubbed my face dry and rose from the bed, leaving Sesshoumaru by himself, deep in a rather disconsolate reverie. I carried Akira and cradled him in my arms, falling under my maternal trance and was quick to withdraw in another bout of tranquility and sleep. I kissed his soft hair and gently returned him to his own cradle, gazing for a moment at how serene he was compared to his emotionally tumultuous parents. I almost envied him for having been shielded from the callous talons of reality.

"He's almost a month old now, right?" Sesshoumaru asked. I turned and nodded tersely, returning my attention to the dormant baby. I could feel Sesshoumaru's gaze at my back, his emotions emanating upon my skin as if I was being caressed by his watchful eye. "I've been a negligent father," he said rather disappointedly. He walked up next to the cradle and gazed along with me, brushing the palm of his hand against our son's head.

"You've been busy. It's alright." I assured him with ingenuous remarks, but he sensed their lacking in altruism. I distanced myself from him, facing the window and basking in the darkness shed by the night sky, scarcely dotted by stars, but they were bright and luminous nonetheless. Sesshoumaru approached me, turning me towards him to make the statement he had been trying. "I had to see you tonight. That's why."

With that simple sentence, all my suffering was alleviated and my questions answered. At that moment I didn't care anymore if it made sense for him to spontaneously visit me in times of need, despite his imminent wedding. Although we both knew that my status as his concubine would remain even after his nuptial solemnities, somehow we felt that the affair would be constrained and he would be forced to focus more on a legitimate family he would soon start with Sayuri. But all was swept away and for this moment, I forgave him. I absolved his sins, for now, and I let him kiss me with all the passion that lay hidden within him since we last met.

We made love that night, and it was very ardent and sincere. Once we were done, I obstinately refused to sleep, for fear of him absconding without my knowledge. We both lay there, still and content as we gazed at the ceiling somnolently. In the moment of our peace, Sesshoumaru began to utter incoherent words, but with graces bestowed upon me, I heard him.

"After all these years, I remembered you. After all this time, I still had to see you, and I couldn't avoid you."

I didn't know exactly what he was saying or what he meant by those vague words. Their meanings were esoteric only to him. But I felt certain there was an affinity made and somehow I could relate. I echoed to him a poem I once read in the library of the mansion. It was spontaneous and unexpected but I felt it appropriate to the inscrutable meaning of his words.

"To see a World in a Grain of Sand

And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,

Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand

And Eternity in an hour."

Sesshoumaru gave me an inquisitive look, but said nothing. I'm sure he knew what I meant and where it originated, but he ignored me. In the darkness, our eyes were welcomed to much-desired and much-needed sleep, closing slowly as to cherish what was left of the moment. Right before I could close my eyes into utter darkness and embrace slumber, I whispered to his ear, "That is how I feel when I am with you." And in a short moment I fell victim to my weary body and dreamt, for tonight needed a dream to be remembered, a dream to walk and cherish for the road ahead was turbulent and despondent. That was where my future lay.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

A/N: That last bit of poetry at the end was an excerpt from William Blake's poem, Auguries of Innocence. The chapter title was taken from the first line, but I turned it into French. I hope this chapter wasn't too fluffy or boring. Enjoy and read.