Chapter 12 - Darth Maul comes racistly

Obi Wan and I took ages to clean out the sand from the hyperdrive of Padme's FUCKING ship, especially since I was frightened of the sand and I didn't like its coarse and rough irritating texture and the way that it got everywhere. But I didn't mind because I got to spend lots of time alone with my Comrade, and we were becoming quite close.

We were about to leave when suddenly a wild Darth Maul appeared.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING HERE? I THOUGHT YOU CHOPPED HIM IN HALF AND HE FELL DOWN A FUCKING VENT?" I said to my Comrade in a working class voice.

"Yes I did, I don't know how he is here." replied my beautiful Comrade.

I looked at Darth Maul again, noting his red face which was cultural appropriation of the Communist colour red and his yellow eyes which were also cultural appropriation. I realised that the top half of Darth Maul was racistly strapped to Savage Opress (who was also committing cultural appropriation with his yellow face) who was oppressively running towards us. Darth Maul was also holding a culturally appropriated lightsaber that he had stolen from a poor working class family, a racist act that contradicted the redistribution of wealth.

My Comrade Obi Wan jumped out of the ship to meet him with his hammer and sickle red lightsaber at the ready. I turned on Padme's FUCKING ship and tried to steer it to save my Comrade but the controls were not very good, evidently they had been designed by a FUCKING CAPITALIST.

"Start flying Comrade!" Obi Wan called in the voice of Lenin, "I will deal with this!"

I didn't like the idea of flying while my Comrade was left to fight those racist and oppressive Capitalist attack dogs, but I knew that - just like Mao or Stalin - Comrade Obi Wan had a revolutionary Soviet 5 year plan that would eventually allow him to triumph.

Instead of advancing to fight like a real working class man would, Darth Maul smiled racistly. "Obi Wan," he began, "I have been waiting for you."

Savage Opress merely grunted oppressively in agreement because he was too stupid and oppressive to form actual words.

"I can't say I feel the same." replied Obi Wan progressively.

Darth Maul cocked his head, smiling and resting a racist hand on the blank space where his racist hip should've been. "What? You didn't miss me?"

"No." Obi Wan replied in the cold voice of a tireless worker struggling against the system.

"You know, you were all that I could think about." Darth Maul let out a racist sigh. "You may have forgotten me, but I will never forget you…" Then the FUCKING RACIST winked at my comrade RACISTLY.

"HOLY FUCK!" I screamed in the voice of Gorbachev "THAT RACIST FUCK IS TRYING TO RACISTLY SEDUCE MY FUCKING COMRADE!"

Luckily Obi Wan was not tempted by (the remaining half of) Darth Maul's racist body. "All I ever think about is how to liberate the galaxy from the scourge of Capitalism!" He cried.

"What if I could change that, Obi Wan." Darth Maul extended his racist hand. "You cannot imagine the depths that I would go with you, fueled by my singular desire to-"

"WHAT THE FUCK? STOP MISQUOTING YOUR OWN FUCKING LINES!" Obi Wan yelled, rushing forwards with his lightsabre and fearlessly slashing at Darth Maul.

Savage Opress oppressively activated his culturally appropriated lightsabre and stepped in the way, countering Obi Wan's blows with oppressive force. My Comrade fought bravely in the name of the revolution, but against one and a half racist Capitalist oppressors he was out numbered. I flew low over the desert (or at least as low as I dared to, considering all the FUCKING SAND), and Obi Wan quickly caught on. He progressively leaped up onto the boarding ramp of the ship as it soared overhead, and we quickly left Darth Maul, Savage Opress and all the FUCKING SAND behind.

Savage Opress roared oppressively, while Darth Maul waved and blew racist kisses in Obi Wan's direction.

"Are you alright?" I cried sociallistically, rushing to Obi Wan's side as he stumbled up the ramp. He collapsed into my arms and I gently lowered him to the floor, stroking his handsome, bearded face with comradely tenderness.

"What was that?" Obi Wan asked, looking up at me, confused by my actions.

"I'm not sure." Comrade Qui Gon's force ghost appeared next to us. "But it was fucking gay whatever it was."

I wasn't sure if Comrade Qui Gon was referring to sexy racist Darth Maul or me stroking my Comrade's face, but either way I was annoyed. "FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, CAN EVERYONE AT LEAST TRY TO GET THEIR FUCKING LINES RIGHT?" I cried.

Comrade Qui Gon snickered in the background.

Obi Wan gave me an oddly intense look, then progressively sighed. "Onwards, Comrades… to liberate Naboo."