Chapter 12

It was no use, Jen thought, she just had to see her, especially knowing she was so close... Anyway, her attempts at distraction by throwing vibrant paint onto a canvas and using a spatula and her fingers to recreate the powerful emotions she felt whenever she laid eyes on the girl just was not working. At all! Touching the canvas with her fingers was just making it a more sensual exercise, leaving her wishing that it was Tilly's skin she was touching...

Oh sod it! She decided. She had to see her. She just needed to come up with a good enough, plausible reason... She stopped suddenly, the mist of an idea forming, and rushed to clean the acrylic paint from her hands, shaking them dry as she left the room almost at a run, following after the two girls, fully prepared to search the whole of that college block for her. Wherever they were, they couldn't have gone far. Damn. Should've texted... the more sensible part of her scolded. But she'd left her phone in her bag, back in the studio, and anyway, she was more in tune with the less sensible, more impulsive, instinctive part of her at that particular moment in time: such was the power that Tilly had over her!...

She found her at last, sitting with Maddie in the campus cafe, deep in conversation about something over steaming lattes. At least, Maddie looked deep in conversation, intense, while Tilly looked more vague, as if she was deflecting. Jen approached them, trying as she neared them, to assume the expected persona of college tutor, despite the urgent, impatient, hammering of her heart at being so close to her younger lover. Neither of the girls had seen her and didn't look up until she spoke, which suddenly made her cheeks redden a little.

"Erm... excuse me, you two... hi... sorry to disturb. Er... Tilly, I thought I'd just catch you quickly when I saw you walk past... The thing is, you need to sign quite a few coversheets that are supposed to accompany your coursework pieces so they can be submitted properly if they're called for... I think you must have been absent when the others did it – perhaps at that Cambridge open day a few weeks back? Anyway. It's totally my fault for not chasing you up about it – but could you come along this afternoon to do it? It will take some time I'm afraid... but I'm not teaching today at all – exams in full swing and all, you know... Would that be ok?"

Wow, quite a little speech!... her inner voice acknowledged. She could feel the rapid drumming of her heart which seemed so loud that she wondered if they could hear it too. Good grief Jen, get a grip, you're acting like a teenager!... she scolded herself, fighting-back a wry smile which wanted to emerge at the irony of the thought. Yes, she often felt that Tilly was older, more mature, than she was.

Tilly certainly appeared to be calmly in control, as she sat there looking up at her with her delectably piercing emerald eyes, which never seemed to miss a trick. "Ok miss, yes that's fine, we won't be long here..." Tilly answered, and then turned to her friend: "...although... Mads, rather than coming with me and being bored for ages, why don't we meet up later yeah?"

"Yeah sounds good, 'cause you can be a nerdy bore sometimes Tils, ha." Maddie replied in agreement.

Then both girls smiled politely at the student-teacher, which she took as a sign to leave.

Jen's pulse was racing even though she purposefully made herself walk back to her room as slowly as she could, taking slow, deep breaths of fresh air with every step. The whole time she was filled with the unsettling thought that Tilly had been so controlled, cold even, with her, making her wonder if she'd been wrong about the younger woman's feelings for her – as if their previous moments of intense passion and intimacy had barely happened between them. The thought was crushing, and led her to open her breaking heart to more insecurities, especially because her own feelings for the student seemed so raw and desperate, they made her feel so vulnerable; child-like, almost...

By the time she'd returned to her easel she was utterly depressed and convinced that this was it: she'd over-read their relationship and actually, Tilly had just seen it as a momentary experience – sensual, exciting, perhaps even very special, yes, but only ultimately a transitory experience; one of life's passing learning curves...

Curves... Jen saw, then, the curves of the younger woman's body... all her curves... even those which she knew only she had witnessed... and a stronger part of her challenged her growing doubts: Give the girl more credit! She has integrity Jen. Soul. And she loves you, you know that! Yet even when her own soul knew that to be right, on some level, she still felt disorientated and almost nauseous with it.

She sat down at her desk, quite emotionally exhausted, beginning to wonder if she'd done the right thing inviting Tilly up there, to her, alone. She tried to calm her chewed-up stomach by taking a sip from her water-bottle and then rested her throbbing head in her hands, closing her eyes.

Perhaps it was because of her throbbing temples – or the throb of her entire body, which had awakened at the sight of the redhead – that she didn't hear her door open, or the set of clear footsteps make their way across the room to her... So that when she looked up, the first thing she saw was Tilly's piercing emerald eyes gazing into her own hazel ones, and she blinked, startled, believing it to be a dream.

"Hey, are you ok Jen?" Tilly asked her gently, stretching out a silky hand to stroke the side of the student-teacher's face and carefully move a longer wisp of dark hair behind her ear. Her tender caress smoothed away Jen's doubts in a surge of relief and moved her to tears, which she quickly tried to blink away, hoping they'd gone undetected. But Tilly had seen them and was moved by them herself, and without hesitation she leaned across Jen's desk and impulsively pressed a forceful, heartfelt kiss on the older woman's lips. "Hello, my beautiful, talented lover" she whispered, "Do you have any idea how much I've been missing you?"

Jen smiled at last, and it felt to her that it was the first time in days. "I have... some idea, yes! God, I've missed you Tilly! Didn't realise how dead I'd been feeling until I saw you walk past here with your friend – "

"I'm sorry Jen! I know I promised to stay away, but I got roped into coming this way with Maddie – and she has a way of taking charge of people. Sorry!"

"It's fine. Really. Truth is, I'm secretly glad to be honest. I've been going silently mad not being able to see you. Here, look at this – " Jen rose and held Tilly's hand and led her across the room to stand in front of the canvas. "You see? ...It's abstract..." she added, and continued to explain, in response to Tilly's quizzical look: " ...This is all I've been able to churn out for the past few days – pure emotion!"

"But Jen, that's beautiful!" Tilly enthused, genuinely loving its effect. "I love the vivid colours and swirls: they give it a real energy! It's so passionate and sensual, full of touch and depth and power, but also vulnerability and longing... It's very sexy."

"All the things I feel when I see you." Jen said in a hushed whisper as she stood slightly behind her, sheepishly.

Tilly turned to face her and their eyes connected searchingly.

"Tilly, I – " Jen began, pausing to find the right words to express the depth of her feelings for her, thinking how stunningly special she was. But she wasn't given time to finish before Tilly moved to her, suddenly reaching out to hold her head while she kissed her, passionately, hungrily, on her lips and then, when Jen instinctively responded and kissed her back, she gently pushed her lips apart to kiss her tongue with her own and lock into a melting embrace... They couldn't get enough of each other, despite where they were, with its proximity to the danger of being discovered. No. All thoughts of secrecy melted away as they melted into each other, both of them feeling as though they had, at last, returned home where they belonged.

After a good five minutes of earnest, soulful kissing Jen suddenly remembered the dangers facing them and broke off, answering Tilly's surprised look by leading her by the hand into the stock cupboard and closing the door, locking them in. Then she turned back to the younger woman with a predatory look and a raised eyebrow which asked permission, suggestively, to return to her arms. Tilly smiled, now her turn to look sheepish, looking up at Jen's enticing hazel eyes, wanting and willing to do anything and everything with her, right there, right then. Jen saw her hunger and smiled tenderly, knowing that the emotion reflected her own.

The tension and urgency in the air between them was almost excruciating and both women seemed undecided as to whether to jump on each other and rip clothes off, or take it slow and savour the tension, like the drug it was so quickly becoming... Jen reached out first, stroking Tilly's face lovingly, and then stroked along her partly open mouth with her thumb, all the time gazing at her with hazel eyes that were now darker, more sultry – very, very sexy. Tilly couldn't bear it any longer and grabbed at Jen, snatching her by the shoulders, her wonderful, powerful shoulders, to pull her into her for a desperate kissing embrace. And then both lost control: hands reaching, stroking, grabbing at clothing, untucking, untying, unfastening, pushing jackets and cardigans away, lifting tops over heads and onto the floor, unzipping skirts and jeans which dropped to the floor, stepping out of sandals and shoes – all without the barest of interruptions from their constant kissing of lips and tongues, eyes closed throughout. Until they were both in just their underwear. Then Jen slowed things, reluctantly pulling away from Tilly so that she could see her, look at her and allow her eyes to drink in the vision of beauty that stood before her. Tilly did the same.

Both of them allowed their eyes to wander over the smooth curves and undulations of each other's body, as if re-familiarising themselves with a landscape they had been missing and yearning to return home to... And then Jen moved in once more, stroking softly along Tilly's stomach, around her back, to unclasp her bra which fell to the floor, and then return to her chest, neck, shoulders, drawing swirling waves down and around each breast, before bending down and taking each in her mouth, one at a time, until they hardened and Tilly shook, moaning, head back and resting against one of the shelves which held tubes of paint. Seeing how she affected the student, watching her move because of her touch, was the most powerful reason for being alive, Jen thought, feeling her own body awaken and ache in response.

At that point Tilly surprised her again with her maturity as she seemed to collect herself and regain some control, though it was clear that it was an inner struggle... "Now it's your turn..." she whispered, approaching Jen for another sultry, hungry kiss. As they kissed, Tilly was more forceful and the student's hands echoed Jen's earlier dancing patterns as they, too, smoothed across Jen's stomach to her back to unclasp her bra which slid to the floor and then return, though this time they moved straight to stroke Jen's nipples which were already stiff. Jen moaned too, while Tilly was kissing her, the slight sigh escaping sweetly onto Tilly's tongue which made her own body tense and stiffen again in anticipation and hunger. And then, once again, neither lover could bear that hunger any longer, pushing knickers to the floor themselves and stepping out to press their entire nakedness into each other's... Still kissing, never stopping, both sets of hands wandered across the other's terrain: massaging breasts again, stiffening nipples, then stroking down around buttocks, across hips, along groins, to between legs, exploring the silky warmth which lay there waiting, inviting contact... Both women, still locked in a passionate kiss, moved in time with each other, as if in a dance which took them above the earth and into another dimension; a higher state of existence completely, and they both shuddered together in complete and absolute heaven. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. Nothing at all except them being together...

They both rested against each other; arms wrapped around each other's heaving, throbbing bodies, smiling restfully, both in a state of heightened bliss but also final peace. They remained that way for a few minutes, tracing faint lines of happiness lovingly across each other's faces and arms as marks of affection, and ownership.

There was no need for words. Words couldn't express the surging emotions they'd both shared; words would have cheapened it somehow, in terms of defining something that was indefinable and therefore far more special because it couldn't be labelled; it couldn't be contained... So they both dressed in silence, smiling the whole time and snatching looks at each other, admiring glances, flirtatious, free. Then when clothing hid their newly remembered bodies, which felt marked, somehow, for all eternity, Jen unlocked the door and they both re-emerged into the wider room, instinctively finding their way across the space together, holding hands, to stand in front of Jen's painting once more. She lifted Tilly's hand and kissed it and Tilly smiled in response and looked at her lovingly.

The moment ended with the impatient buzz of Tilly's phone which reminded her of her arrangement to meet Maddie later. Time had once again passed too quickly for both of them.

"Listen, we need to meet up more. Even if it's only one a week it's a killer but it's better than nothing. I can't go longer than a week from you again." Jen confessed and Tilly agreed. "Perhaps if you could come see me here every Thursday afternoon, like today, when I'm not teaching and I'm by myself, it would be safe enough to meet up here after all." Jen suggested, thinking about her lighter timetable now that the year twelve study leave was in full swing and the year thirteens had now left. We'd just need a believable cover story to justify you needing to be here... and lots of prepared excuses to explain why we might be locked in the cupboard!" she laughed. "Let me have a think about it and text you. And if you think of anything let me know too. I've loved... this time with you – even just spending time talking, you know that don't you? We don't have to always – "

"Course I know that! I've loved it too..." Tilly replied quietly, still in awe at the emotions Jen had given her; the heavenly heights where her love-making had taken her. She squeezed Jen's hand. " Guess I'd better go now though. I really don't want to..."

"Yes. I know. Text me tonight ok? Or I'll text you." Jen said quietly too, feeling exhausted but happy. Then she thought about her unwelcome visitor and what could be the best thing to do about it... " I need to talk to you about something – " she added, " – but not right now, it's nothing really. Next time will do. "

"Sure?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Okay, I'll see you ok? You take care... And I'll be thinking about you constantly. And missing you."

"I know. Me too. Take care. Text me."

And with that, as simply as that, they kissed a soft lingering goodbye and Tilly left, phone in hand, on her way to meet her friend as if nothing had happened. Yet her whole entire world had shifted and moved and she felt more alive than ever before and had to fight the urge to shout it from the rooftops.

Jen sighed, watching the doorway where Tilly had moved through it only seconds before: she could still see the outline of her body momentarily if she squinted, which she did, if only to trick her mind into thinking she was still almost there with her.

That moment together had been more than she could have ever imagined! How silly to doubt their relationship! She looked forward to texting later. And as for her ex? Well, what could she really do to separate them? Nothing at all! Jen allowed herself to relax a little about that particular issue...

I mean, it's not as if she knows anything really anyway... she was only fishing for information the other night... No. We're absolutely fine. I probably won't even see her again...

She smiled to herself, and walked back to her desk to tackle the last of her paperwork.

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Why is it that, just when you think you're all sorted, life has an uncomfortable way of turning everything upside down?...

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