Weep Not Too Much
Chapter 12: Endurance
The following day, the first one of the weekend, Mai spent the morning with Yasahiro, Natsumi and Akihiko. Yasahiro's room was the largest and all of them gathered there, playing games, reading books and drawing. The window was open wide, letting in the fresh morning air and the dappled sunlight made the space look more like a mystical place than the abode of a ten year old.
Mai and her eldest were engaged in a game of pai sho, something the boy was quite adept at for his age. He was sharp and observant, always keen to learn and Mai needed to watch herself carefully. She was not one of those mothers who let her children win at games. If they were going to defeat her, it would be with their wits. That was how they improved. In the one year that he had been playing, Yasahiro had gone from being finished after one or two moves to giving his mother some real competition. She was proud.
"You might want to watch your red rose piece, Yasahiro. That's just a suggestion." Mai wasn't above giving those.
"Hmmm, let me think, Mom." The boy rubbed his chin much as Iroh would stroke his beard and examined the board carefully.
His hand hovered over the board, touching one piece and then another. Finally making up his mind, he moved the white lily piece and captured Mai's knotweed tile. He beamed brightly and looked up at his mother.
"Nicely played," Mai exclaimed. "You'll need to have a match with your Great Uncle Iroh next."
"Do you think I could beat him?" Yasahiro's voice was excited now and his eyes sparkled with delight.
"One day I think you will, but probably not for awhile. Ask him to play. You'll learn more from him than from me."
"Okay, I will. What do you want to do now, Mom?"
"Come sit with me over by Natsumi. I promised her that we would do a puzzle together."
"Aww, that's boring, Mom. Can't we do something else?" He caught himself then and meekly agreed.
"Hey, you don't need to be all careful around me, Yasahiro. I won't break. I'm sick but I'm still the same mother. Do you understand?" She pulled the boy close for a moment and pulled on his topknot affectionately.
"Yeah, I guess. But I don't know why you had to get sick. I don't want you to die. What are we supposed to do?"
He was crying now, big, fat tears rolling down his round cheeks. He swiped at them with one angry hand and then fell into Mai's arms. She ran her hands up and down his back and whispered comforting words in his ear. It tugged at her already fragile heart to see him so distraught. She silently cursed the illness and swore to fight it until she could fight no more.
"Oh, sweetie, I wish that I could promise you that I'll be here until you're all grown up with kids of your own. I can't do that because it is possible that I'll die. But I want you to know that I'm working hard to get better. I want to live more than anything. I love you and your brother and your sister so much. Look, now I'm crying too." She brushed away her son's tears and then her own. "Come on; let's go play with your sister."
"I'm sorry that I made you cry, Mom." Yasahiro's face was forlorn looking and tears threatened to fall again.
"You didn't make me cry. It happens easily these days, that's all."
"Okay," the boy snuffled. "Natsumi, are you still working on that puzzle?"
"Yeah, and I'm stuck. Mom, you're going to help, right?" The seven year old girl, pretty in her pinkish toned tunic and skirt, her brown hair falling down her back, was impatient to get going.
"I'm coming." Mai got up from her cross legged position on the floor and moved over to her daughter. "All right, let's do this."
Little Akihiko, suddenly feeling left out, crawled up into his mother's lap and move the pieces around, much to his sister's dismay.
"Stop it, Akihiko! You're wrecking it."
She slapped the boy's hand away and wailing ensued. One look at Mai's face was enough to have Natsumi apologizing and kissing little fingers.
"We'll start over," Mai declared.
By the time the morning was over, the Fire Lady was ready for a nap.
While Mai spent time with the children, Zuko spent time with his uncle. Junichi was over at Mai's childhood home, visiting with his sister and brother-in-law. Tom was over there as well. So the two men sat in the library, a lovely, quiet and relaxing room, sipped tea and talked.
"I came up with this particular flavor just the other week," Iroh informed Zuko, beginning with a neutral subject. "How is it?"
"Uh, it's good, Uncle, really good."
The mellow flavor of green tea had been enhanced with several citrus ones. It was a delicious combination of tangy and smooth.
"Ah, I'm glad. Believe it or not, some of my experiments do not work out quite so well. I recall one time when I decided to add some special Fire Nation spices to plain oolong. The result was not pleasing to the tongue or to the nose."
Zuko chuckled softly but his heart wasn't in it. After a long pause, he spoke in a choked voice. "What am I going to do?" The Fire Lord's tone was so heartbreakingly lost and broken that Iroh actually gasped.
"Oh, my nephew; I ache for you so much. I wish with all my heart that I could fix Mai for you. I would take her place in an instant if that were possible."
"Uncle, I don't want to lose anyone."
"Of course not, but I've had a full life already while Mai has only just started. Loss is a part of living. That doesn't make it any easier to bear. I know that all too well. It's especially tragic when the person is far too young like Mai or my Lu Ten."
"How, Uncle, how did you cope? How did you get over Lu Ten?" Zuko was eager now, eager to hear of some mysterious cure all for grief and pain. He knew that it didn't exist. He knew that he would need to work his way through the grief slowly and methodically, much as he had learned his bending.
"I cried and I shouted and I stomped my feet. I burned many things. And when I finally calmed down, I cried a lot more. I tried to figure out why my son died. I looked for someone to blame. I spent time imagining that he was still with me, funny and brave and strong, my little boy, my only child. But that was just denial and it only served to hurt me more. When I finally accepted that Lu Ten was gone for good, I focused on all the wonderful memories I have of him; his birth, his first steps, the first time he made fire, his first girlfriend, teaching him pai sho. I focused on those and eventually, the pain eased. I won't lie to you, Zuko. It never goes away completely. Should you lose Mai, and I pray that you won't, you will feel that loss until your dying day. But I wouldn't trade the years I had with Lu Ten for anything. I'm glad that I knew him, despite the brevity of our time together. He made me a better person."
"Sometimes I think that it would be easier if I'd never met her. Then I wouldn't feel all this misery, wouldn't feel so damn awful. But, it's like you said. I'm proud to call Mai my wife. These past fifteen years have been…." Zuko paused for a moment, searching for the right words. "They've been so fulfilling, Uncle. Mai and our children are more than I ever dreamed of having. I love her so much it's like I'm going to bust apart. And if I lose her, I'll never be the same. She makes me whole somehow. Maybe I'll only be half a person."
"No; you're strong and good and brave and you have children to raise. They will keep you sane and whole, nephew. They will be your salvation."
"Hmmm, yes, I know that the kids will need me. Mai's talked about that with me more than once. She's worried that I'll completely fall apart, isn't she?" Zuko took a last sip of his tea and then set the delicate red cup back down on the tray.
"Indeed she is; she wants Junichi and me to help you through."
Zuko laughed then, imagining Mai's uncle comforting him. "You, I can see, but Junichi? The man will probably kill me in my sleep and run off with all three kids. He's never forgiven me for leaving Mai during the eclipse. He tries sometimes, but I know that he only tolerates me for Mai's sake."
"Ah, yes, he can be a difficult man though he's not without his merits. He certainly adores his niece and gave her more love than her parents ever did. Am I right?" Iroh's eyes twinkled now and he poured himself more of the brew, warming the liquid with a quick burst of heat from his palms.
"Yeah, you're right. And the kids love him."
Smiling and shaking his head in disbelief, Zuko got up from his seat and wandered around the bright, cheerful room, full of row upon row of bookcases. Colourful bindings, reds and greens and browns and blues filled the shelves and Zuko had the sudden urge to run a finger along all of them, feeling the ridges and bumps, and differences in size. Natsumi always did that when she visited the library. Maybe it was in her blood. Smiling again, Zuko suggested to his uncle that they go outside.
"Look at the sunshine. Do you feel like doing a little bending? I've giving Natsumi and Yasahiro a lesson after lunch. It'll give me a chance to warm up."
"That's the best idea I've heard all day. Let's go, Zuko."
Once outside, the sun's heat seemed to pump life into him, saturating his skin and sinking deep into muscle and bone. It felt good and right like he was where he should be. As Zuko watched Iroh stretch and limber up, he could see that the old man felt the same. The sun was the source of all fire, the source of life and an integral part of their existence both as human beings and as firebenders.
"Are you ready, Uncle?" Zuko asked mischievously.
He tossed a perfectly formed ball of fire at the man and Iroh tossed it back, beginning a strange game of catch. Their joy was childlike and pure and exactly what each of them needed.
Mai sat on the sun warmed grass with Akihiko nearby. The little boy played in the dirt, his huge stuffed dragon his companion, as Yasahiro and Natsumi went through bending forms with Iroh and Zuko. Neither child had yet shown the brilliance of their Aunt Azula, but both were coming along well. Plenty of practice, but not too much, and calm, nurturing lessons were the perfect recipe for success. The fact that both children loved their element and enjoyed the art of bending didn't hurt either. They wanted to make their father proud, and they did. Zuko placed no unreasonable expectations on his children. He simply wanted them to learn at their own pace.
The Fire Lady divided her attention between her youngest and the other children, but as the afternoon wore on something else began to occupy her mind; pain. She'd noticed a slight increase in its severity over the past few days. The tea wasn't doing its job so well anymore. Not wanting Zuko to worry even more, Mai had kept that information to herself. But that wouldn't be possible for much longer. She decided to pay a visit to the physician. Maybe he had a suggestion.
She caught her husband's eye and he stopped immediately, almost running over to where she sat. "Are you all right? Mai?"
"Whoa, take it easy, Zuko. I need to go rest," she deliberately lied. "Can you look after Akihiko for me?"
"Oh, yeah, of course; you go. Don't worry about anything." He held a hand out to Mai and helped her up. "Are you sure that everything's okay?"
"Aside from the fact that I'm sick, yeah, everything's fine." She gave Zuko a quick kiss, feeling guilty for lying again, and walked slowly back inside.
Chiko's office was in a small wing of the palace, an out of the way, almost disused section, which the old man preferred. Mai poked her head in the door and he motioned her inside. Kana was there too, looking through medical scrolls and taking notes.
Mai shut the door, cleared her throat and sat down across from the physician.
"What can I do for you, Mai? It's not time for your exam is it?" He smiled at her kindly.
"Noo, that's tomorrow. Don't you have a schedule, Chiko?"
"Yes, I'm just making certain. Sometimes I forget things. I'm not quite as young as I used to be." The old man grinned at Mai then and she couldn't help but smile back.
"The tea for the pain, it's not helping much anymore. I'm uncomfortable, very uncomfortable." As if to emphasize her plight, the Fire Lady pressed a hand to her abdomen and winced as a sharp jolt of pain hit her.
"Oh, dear; you can add an extra pinch of herbs to your brew or I can get you something a bit stronger. It will make you, how should I say this, less alert, though." Chiko reached across the table and took Mai's hand. "I'll get you whatever you want. There's no need for you to suffer."
"I want to know what's going on around me. I want to be aware. I would rather endure the pain than be in a stupor. So, I guess it's an extra pinch of herbs then." She shrugged and gave the physician a wry sort of smile.
"Come talk to me anytime, Mai; if you can't endure any longer, I'll get the other herbs for you."
"Okay; Chiko, don't mention anything to Zuko. You know how much he worries already. He wouldn't be able to function."
The old man chuckled though nothing was really funny. "Yes, he does indeed worry about you. Tomorrow we'll discuss everything, all right? You go make yourself some of that tea and have dinner with your family."
Nodding, Mai got up from her seat and walked slowly to the rooms that she and Zuko occupied. She needed to lean against the wall more than once, catching her breath from the onslaught of agony. Once inside her rooms, she collapsed on the bed, all thoughts of the tea forgotten. Sleep was an escape from the pain as well. She closed her eyes and turned over onto her side, wrapping a blanket around her body and curling up into a tight little ball. Zuko found her like that an hour later.
A/N: I want to thank everyone for their very helpful and inspiring comments. Arizony suggested writing two endings and WeAreSeven suggested that also. I cannot believe that I didn't think of that myself. So I'll get to write about Mai's death and its ramifications as well as her survival. I've still got a lot of ground to cover before I get to that point.
Thanks again for the support. The reviews for last chapter made me feel so good.
Alabaster