Chapter 12 - August 2015

Of course they would not finish on time. Jen was standing there, behind the headlights and next to the photographer, being forced to watch Lana's shooting for Olay, a skin care brand both of them had signed up to advertise for. Lana was moving like she had never done anything else in her life, a black leather jacket thrown over her shoulders. Sometimes she smirked into the camera and then bit her lip to gave it a more seductive look. Jen looked at her stomach that was flat like always. No sign of a baby bump at all. It was probably too early for that. They were supposed to finish half an hour ago, but apparently it took longer than they had expected. Delays on set were pretty common, though.

After her breakdown on the bathroom floor, Rose and her had come to the conclusion that she should see Lana as little as possible. Even less than she already did. No looking, no talking, no spending time together. Too bad that Jen had already broken rule number one. And she was about to break rule number two, as Lana was walking towards her after the photographer called it a wrap on her.

»Hey Jen! Sorry that you had to wait, they had some issues with the lighting. How are you? I haven't seen you since Paris!«, Lana said while trying to take off her shoes. No wonders, they looked pretty uncomfortable.

»Yeah I was… kinda busy. How are you? Your shooting was great by the way you, uhm, looked great.« Jen's level of sophistication seemed to be pretty high today. In her mind she slapped herself in the face.

»Thanks. Oh you know, I had better times, but life goes on.« She smiled, but it was a fake smile. It was easy to distinguish if Lana was truly happy or just faking it.

»Is something wrong with the baby?« What terrified Jen more than the thought of Lana being pregnant with Fred's child was the thought of Lana losing the baby. Something horrible like this could not be happening to her.

Lana furled her eyebrows and started to pay full attention instead of taking care of her feet. »Baby? What baby?«

Suddenly it hit Jen that Ginny had trusted her with that information and she was about about to give that away. Lana did not tell her for a reason. She had told people she trusted about this, and Jen was not one of them. »Uhm, a little bird told me about your pregnancy.« She smiled apologetically.

»Who told you that?«, Lana said and crossed her arms. That was not good.

»Someone… I know I'm not supposed to know and I won't tell anyone, I promise.« Jen struggled for words but no matter what she said it would be the wrong thing. This was absolutely none of her business. Actually it was kind of disrespectful to even talk to her about this and deep down Jen knew that.

»There's nothing to know, Jen, I'm not pregnant.«

For a moment, Jen's heart stopped pounding. Probably to throw the load off that she had been carrying around with her for the past weeks. »…you're not?«

»No. I have no idea who told you that but it's not true. And we're not trying.«

»Ohthankgod«, Jen said way too relieved. She placed her hand on her chest instinctively and took a deep breath without even noticing that she overreacted big time.

»Wow okay, since when do you care so much about my life?«, Lana rose one corner of her mouth and parted her lips as if she knew exactly what Jen was thinking.

»I- I don't. It just… would be weird for the show and stuff. Not that they kill your character off or something«, Jen continued to talk herself into more and more trouble.

»That's… what?« Her smile transformed into general confusion.

»It wouldn't be the same without you. Filming, I mean.« Not good enough. Certainly not good enough to convince Lana that there was no intention behind Jen's actions.

»I've signed for six seasons and I'll stay for six seasons. Okay?«

»Yeah cool whatever, I mean you can do whatever you want, you know.«

Lana was walking past her and Jen thought she had survived the disaster that was this conversation. God, could she have embarrassed herself even more? What the hell did she think she was doing?

Before Jen was able to flee from this situation, Lana turned around one more time. »I don't understand you.«

»That makes two of us«, Jen mumbled.

»I just hope for you that one day you'll be brave enough to say what you want to say and stop hiding yourself in a safe place because that will never make you happy«, Lana said almost annoyed.

»What is that supposed to mean?« Jen wanted to play it cool although she had a feeling what Lana wanted to tell her by that. It made her furious that Lana thought she knew her better than she knew herself. Just because he had been pretty obvious about her feelings when they first met, she was not like that anymore. She had grown a lot and had learned to keep herself under control. Also, why would Lana want for her to say it out loud? It would not change a thing as this woman was happily married. Or maybe just married, at least.

Lana sighed. »Nothing, Jen. Please, forget it. There's a lot going on right know and I say things that I don't mean. Have fun shooting.«

»Do you wanna talk about it? You look like you could use a… friend.« Jen almost choked on the word »friend«. It felt wrong to describe their relationship like that because Lana had never been just a friend for her. Not for a second.

»I'm good, thanks. See you on set.«

She left and Jen had no idea how she was supposed to survive until filming would start again. No matter how cringe worthy this conversation had been for her, it got her worried. Lana was not in a good place, she had said so herself. There was nothing Jen could do about it, which was eating her alive.

The night before filming, some people from the cast were invited to go to a concert of Christina Perri that took place in Vancouver. Emily was there too and it did not take long for Jen to connect the dots and figure out that it was her who was pregnant. They were allowed to wait backstage until the show started because of safety issues. Jen fangirled a little when Christina Perri showed up and greeted them personally.

Normally it would not be much of a problem to avoid Lana there because Jen could just stick with Colin like she did when they were on set, but her plans changed rapidly when she saw that she came alone, without her husband, which was unusual as he accompanied her to almost every public event. She was standing apart from the group, constantly tugging at the sleeve of her pullover. Jen had not even noticed that she was there yet because of how quiet and almost invisible she was. This was so unlike her. People just knew when she was in the room, always. No one seemed to notice her, not even her best friend Bex, as they were busy questioning Emily about her unborn baby. Without thinking about it twice Jen abandoned all those rules she had made to protect herself from getting hurt even more and walked up to Lana. She just had to make sure that Lana was okay before she could let her go forever.

»What?«, Lana snapped before Jen could even open her mouth. She looked tired, as if she had not slept in days. »I'm not in the mood for conversation.«

Also Jen had a hard time handling this harsh attitude. It was intimidating, and Lana had never really snapped at her like that before. »I'm not here to start a conversation.«

»Then what are you here for?«

»I'm here because I don't want you to be alone.« Jen did not want to come off as annoying or intrusive, but her instinct told her that Lana could use someone who was just there for her.

»You should go back to the others, I'm not very good company right now.«

»But I wanna be with you.« That silenced Lana and to be honest, it silenced Jen too. But thankfully not for long. »You missed Christina Perri. She actually came to talk to us and she said she was a huge fan of our show. Especially of Hook. Isn't it weird? She's a celebrity herself but she's a fan of us. After the concert she wants to meet us all again and take a group photo with us. She's really nice.«

Lana rose an eyebrow at her. »I thought you didn't wanna start a conversation.«

»Sorry.«

»I still wanna know who spread the rumour about me being pregnant«, Lana said observing the group to figure out who's fault it could have been.

»No one did. She meant Emily but I misunderstood. It was my mistake.« Jen was glad that Ginny was not here today. This would have made the situation even more awkward.

»What made you think of me in the first place?«

»I don't know; it seemed kinda logical to me.« She had told Jen in Paris that she wanted to raise a child of her own. Jen was so sure Ginny had been talking about Lana, she did not even question it.

Lana smiled disappointedly and straightened her sweater. »Well, it won't happen that soon, so…«

When the concert started, the cast was escorted to a lounge from where they could watch the show without the risk of being the center of attention. Everyone knew they were here though, as Christina gave them a shoutout during her concert and even dedicated a song to Emma and Hook. Jen was not mad at people for liking them. People who did not work for ABC could not know what was really going on.

Jen stayed with Lana in the back, behind the rest of the cast. Lana was so small; she sometimes had to raise herself on tiptoe to see what was going on on stage. Jen offered her to go with her to the front, and surely no one would have minded because Lana was one of the smallest of the group along with Emily, but she denied and said that she would rather stay in the back. Jen was the only one who understood the reason why. Lana seemed to be getting messages, someone was sending her texts. Messages that made her so sad that she had to fight to hold back the tears.

»Just turn it off«, Jen said because she could not watch the devastation in her eyes any longer. No matter who texted her and what they said, it hurt Lana and she did not deserve to be treated this way.

»I can't. If I don't open the messages he'll tell me in person. And I'm tired of fighting.«

It was not much information, but Jen got it. Lana put the phone back into her pocket and focused on the stage again. She found a gap between Colin and Bex that allowed her to see at least half of the band. However, Jen could not be bothered to watch the concert. Instead, she stared at Lana again and fought her inner voice that told her to do something very, very stupid. She had no idea if it was the song, they started playing »arms«, or if it was her heart that screamed so loud that she could not ignore it any longer, but no matter what it was - she surrendered. To assure herself that she had completely lost her mind, she briefly closed her eyes, before slowly moving her hand towards Lana's. At first their pinkies slightly touched and Jen looked up to her in panic to see her reaction. Lana did not even look at her though, because she probably thought it was an accident. This time Jen did not hesitate to take Lana's hand in one movement and instead of looking up to her, she focused on their hands and prepared herself for being rejected in an instant. But nothing happened, so Jen went even further and intertwined her fingers with Lana's. Her skin was so soft and Lana's hand felt so good in her's, better than in Jen's memories from a few years ago, when she had the chance to hold it while they had been dancing. The pounding of her own heart was currently louder than the music that was playing and she was convinced that she would collapse any second. She was also still waiting for Lana to withdraw her hand, but it never happened. Jen started to tenderly stroke the back of Lana's hand with her thumb and hesitantly lifted her head to face the woman next to her. Jen swallowed when she saw Lana's expression that was a mix of shock and confusion. Jen was sure she was about to ask her what the hell she was doing. Instead, they were just staring at each other for a few seconds, neither of them able to fully comprehend what was happening. It was Jen who turned her head back to the stage first. Eventually Lana did the same, and so they were standing there, hand in hand, enjoying the concert as if it was the most common thing to do. Only when the show ended, and they were thrown back into reality, Lana delicately withdraw her hand before anyone could see what was going on. She did not say anything, and neither did Jen. Instead, they separated and joined the group as if nothing ever happened. Jen finally knew how it was to hold hands with her and how was she supposed to want anything else now?